13 Yo Daughter Wants a Boyfriend

Oh, isn't this another joy of parenting! I agree with what has been mentioned above. I would talk with your daughter and listen to her definition of a boyfriend. It will allow you to begin communication about this next area of development for her. I would also clearly let her know that single one-on-one "dates" are out of the question until she is 16.

Having been a teacher for 10 years in the middle school, I know that boy-girl friendships do occur. Some are more mature than others. If you tell her "no" she will have a relationship behind your back. I would advise that you listen to what she wants and determine what, if anything, out of what she wants, you agree with. How can you make it a situation that allows her to develop socially, yet be safe for her age and maturation level?

I have always encouraged parents to discourage single-focused relationships by encouraging group activities. And don't leave it to other parents to chaperone those activities, invite them to be at your house where you can monitor and interact with her friends. This will allow you to monitor the relationships she is developing, have healthy dialogue with her about what you observe and keep that door of communication open.

You will most likely find that if you allow these friendships to develop, evolve and go their own way, they won't go anywhere, especially when there is enough opportunity for healthy interaction within the context of a group.

Both you and your husband will get to model for the kids she has over what concerned, caring, positive relationships are in the process! Kids need all the positive role models they can get!

Please read Stacy S's post.
Makes so much sense.

Dear K..
What is the purpose of dating at such a young age? She is not ready for a ligetime commitment and letting her date young will lead to her giving a piece of her heart away that her husband will never have. How many times will she do this until she is married? I have a 14 yo daughter. She won't date until she is ready for courtship. My daughter has been taught that dating is really for courting for marriage and since she's not ready for marriage she's not interested in dating. It protects their hearts, spirits and bodies. Your husband is right about the hormones raging through boys and girls as well. It is too easy to loose control. Encourage great friendships. I have seen it work many times over now with older kids that their wonderful friendships turn into the best marriages. It will take some work to train her to this way of thinking. God bless.
Stac

I am remember being that age and I was allowed to go on group dates like ice skating or roller skating, but nothing alone. 13 is too young no matter how mature she is. 16 is and should always be the age limit for dating.

Maybe I am old fashion, but they grow up soon enough. Keep them for as long as you can.

Good luck on your decision as it is a parent's decision and once you make it you can't change it.

R.

K.,
Well, I have two teenage daughters and a teenage son. The reason I did not like having our middle child have a boyfriend at that age was because it was very distracting from school work. ON the other hand it was very innocent, and nothing went wrong. The boys in Jr. high don't expect a whole lot....the ones in high school expect a lot more. I know this probably does not help you a whole lot, but it is what we experienced so far.
(she is 16 now).
W. M.

I feel 13 is a bit early for a boyfriend. Friends that are male as well as female are fine but when you start talking boyfriend, things move so much quicker these days.

Open your home to her friends, both male and female... you can have control of what goes on. My parents always did that. We were not allowed to even date until we were 16 but the home was always open to our friends.

I would have to agree with your husband, 13 is way too young. Even though she is trustworthy you don't always know if the other person is. Also, peer pressure is huge and I'm hearing things that 10 year olds are doing. It doesn't matter if they will always be supervised, if they wanted to be alone, they would find a way. There is no okay, no both sides. If you "think" you are okay with it, you are not okay with it. If I saw my 13 year old daughter kissing a boy I would probably freak out (in private) and then talk to her. 13 is young and though they think they know it all they don't. If they are kissing, what more are they doing? There will always be that question. Tell her there is no hurry and to wait. (easier said than done) Good luck

In my opinion better to allow it and have open communication about the situation than have her sneaking around behind your back and all lines of communication closed. I had a very good friend growing up that wasn't allowed to do anything, and she did everything "bad" she could think of behind her parents back just to spite them. Lay out the rules ahead of time about what is allowed and not allowed etc then trust your daughter. If you forbid it then she will just be more determined to do things and she won't tell you about any of it which is much scarier to me than her having a relationship that you know about etc.

DO not begin this power struggle/fight with your daughter. I can understand her father's concerns, but telling her she cannot have a boyfriend will probably backfire on the both of you. I don't know how strong willed your daughter is, but I very clearly remember in my teenage head (yes, she is a teenager) doing exactly what I wanted regardless of whether or not my parents told me I could. The more my parents tried to control me, the worse I got (sneaking out the bedroom window, lying about the places I was going, drinking, etc). I was doing this at 14.

I say let her have a boyfriend, but closely monitor her activities. She can have him over to your home, he can join her at school/church functions. He can join you as a family when you go to pizza or movies.

Saying no will make her want it more, saying yes will probably allow it to pass quickly.

You should talk to your daughter about what she thinks it means to have a boyfriend and what you remember about having boyfriends. I was not allowed to date at 13 (ie I couldn't go places alone with boys) but I occassionally had boyfriends. I remember that the boys would pressure me to kiss them and I wasn't ready so I stopped having boyfriends.

I agree with the idea that a boyfriend is practice for long-term committed relationships and marriage. She is too young for that. In addition, physical contact while dating tends to escalate with each person you date. You always do a little more with the next person you are serious about, so you don't want to start that early.

She will have a lot more fun in "group dates", but her personality will probably determine what happens. The best thing may be to talk through everything with her and then see how you both feel. What does she want her life to be like? How will this help or hurt her efforts to get there?

I have told my daughter she can't date till she is in high school 16 yrs old preferrably - if she gets good grades and does a extracurricular activity and maintains those things and does well at home then she can date - I want to show her the importance of her education but it seems your daughter can be trusted but 13 yrs too young for me as well - not sure if that helped but I wish you the best :)