16 answers

Daughter Who Thinks She NEEDS a Boyfriend

My daughter just turned 11 years old in October. She has recently started showing interest in having a boyfriend. She says that all of her friends have boyfriends, which I don't believe they do or even are allowed to.

She wanted an email account so I finally set her one up about 3 weeks ago. I only allow her to get online for a short period of time and only if her homework is finished. I also have her password.

She is growing so maturely that it scares me. She is getting breasts, wears a 36 A bra, has lots of pubic and underarm hair, started shaving last year, but still has not started her period. I'm sure it will be anytime.

So, I guess my question is, what do I tell her about having a boyfriend? I have told her that she isn't old enough to have a boyfriend, but feel like I'm being mean or unfair to her. Help!

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

my daughter went through the same thing. I have found that regardless to what I say they will still have a boyfriend. The good thing is that at that age it is usually just at school. and all they do is call each other boyfriend and girl friend and mabye hold hands. even now that my daughter is 15 I allow her to have a boyfriend but she can only see him at school, and he can come over the house as long as I am home. I don't think boyfriends are a bad thing as long as they know the rules and understand the good things and the bad things that can come with a relationdship.

She is way to young to have real bf. and she is blossoming very early. Sounds to me like it might be time for "the talk". just tell her the same thing my mom told me...no dating till high school...no car dates till i was 16 and you have to meet the boy before she can leave the house with him.
I had me 1st "boyfriend" in 5th grade...we never held hands, barely spoke, only talked on the phone like twice. but we were "going together"...haha what a joke. i didn't have a real BF until i was 15.

More Answers

Could it be that your daughter thinks she needs a boyfriend b/c all the pre-teens on TV have boyfriends and they are seen as beautiful and "cool?" My daughter is still too young for this issue to pop up but I teach a bible study for high school age girls. I encourage them not to date until they meet a man that they think they are going to marry. The reason is b/c a girl's emotions do funny things when they are alone with a boy. Almost every woman I talk to has many regrets because they dated too young and they did some immature things with the other sex. I hope your daughter doesn't get caught up in the lie that dating around and fooling around with guys is fun and exciting. Until "Mr. Right" comes around, perhaps she can hang out with a group of guys and girls and just enjoy being young.

1 mom found this helpful

At her age boyfriends begin to happen, but my experience is their definition of boyfriend is vastly different then our idea. A boyfriend to an 11yr old is someone who is their exclusive person in school, but there is not much contact outside of school. My middle school daughter has had supossed boy friend since elememtry, but they never called the house or spent any time together outside of school. Good luck.

Dear C. ,I agree she is to young ,but A small crush on a boy is totally normal at her age ,sound like she is muturing very fast,Kids these days do I have a 15 -8 and 21 all boys and people think my 15 year old is 18 or more he has a beard and is over 6 foot tall .This makes it hard as a parent you have to be more careful ,I had a older lady try to hook up with my son 15 ,no way !!!So maybe dont allow phone calls and emails at this time .13 I can see it but not just yet !Hope this helps and God Bless yah

She does not need a boyfriend!!! I would let her have friends that are boys but not a boyfriend and you are not being mean by not letting her have a boyfriend. YOU are being her MOM, her parent! You have the right to say no! If she's interested in boys and shes going through puberty and you let her go out with her "boyfriend" she might come home with your grandchild. She is too long and she has a lot to learn. You need to teach her to say NO to boys and mean it and how to stop it(if they are handling her wrong) and to report it to you. Also, monitor her when on the computer, do not let her go into chat rooms or IM someone without you being there. She is at a very delicate age and there are old men looking for girls her age. You are to be careful for her and teach her at the same time. Sorry this is so long, hope it helps though.

my daughter went through the same thing. I have found that regardless to what I say they will still have a boyfriend. The good thing is that at that age it is usually just at school. and all they do is call each other boyfriend and girl friend and mabye hold hands. even now that my daughter is 15 I allow her to have a boyfriend but she can only see him at school, and he can come over the house as long as I am home. I don't think boyfriends are a bad thing as long as they know the rules and understand the good things and the bad things that can come with a relationdship.

Hi, C.

I'm C.. I have only a almost 3 year old son. So, I haven't personally came across this situation yet. I though, had a little sister and I felt she didn't care if my mother was aproving of her dating or not. I think back on it and I am pretty sure if our mother got more personally involved with our personal lives she may have had a better chance of getting my sister to take advice on a friendly bases rather then a controlling parent. My sister was a rebel from the start so, I pray with your daughters early development you wont have as much of a headache as our mother did with my sister.

I was a book worm. boys were never an issue for me till I was in my twenties. lol just incase you wondered why I am talking about my sister other then myself.

I live in Nettie also. Maybe some time we could chat over coffee.

Lots of luck!
C.

C., I was in your shoes a few years ago. My daughter who is now a freshman in highschool thought the world was going to end if she didnt get a boyfriend. I explained to her that she was so young and there was so much to do. I told her that boyfriends would come when the time is right. I also made sure she stayed involved in youth group and gymnastics. She still complained now and then, but we both lived through it (lol). She is now in highschool and is too busy for a steady boyfriend. She has lots of friends who are guys but no boyfriend. So just hang in there, and she will see mom is right, she wont tell you she thinks your right, but she knows.
D. N

I always wanted a boyfriend, too, but surprisingly, I never really had one. Of course, I had the benefit of having an older sister and brother. When I would try flirting with my brother's friends, they would tease me and my brother would get annoyed. My sister helped emphasize that boyfriends at that age are silly because they are so immature. She was right. It's not until guys are adults that they usually understand how to properly treat a girl, and even as an adult some men don't get it.

Try pointing out all the careless and insensitive things guys do at that age. Also, let her know that the best boyfriends start out as friends. You might want to ask her why she wants a boyfriend, although she may not know. If it's because she wants someone to care about her, point out that guys don't really care at that age. If it's a status thing, mention that the guys worth having are the ones that will respect you for being yourself. If it's for physical reasons, think back to your first experiences. I know my first kisses were disgusting. The guys slobbered on me and gave my tongue whiplash from all the movement. :)

Good luck! My parents told me I couldn't start dating until I was 25, so I don't think you're being harsh. At 11, you're just starting to notice the bigger world around you.

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