Yearning Towards Motherhood – Standing Between Infertility and Alzheimer’s

Mommy. Mom. Mama. Mother. These were the words I yearned for someone to call me. But in my early 30s, I faced my first miscarriage. At the same time, my own mother began showing signs of Alzheimer’s disease. The woman I had always turned to could no longer be there for me.

I put off trying to become a mother in my 20s because I was busy with my career as a magazine and newspaper journalist. But I had no idea what I would face in my 30s. My mother had been healthy all of her life. I had expected her to continue thriving, to be a supportive and loving figure for me and my future kids, well into her 80s. But that wasn’t to be.

In her mid 70s, my mom lost the ability to care for herself. The next several years brought more miscarriages for me. As I stepped into the role of caretaker, the dream of becoming a mother drifted farther and farther away.

I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. My vision of what my life was supposed to look like was shattered. I wanted to be a mom and that wasn’t happening. And my own mother was changing into someone I didn’t know.

Writing my story helped me process what was happening in my life. It wasn’t easy. Every day there were new struggles as my mother turned into an overgrown toddler, always on the go, with no sense of how she could hurt herself.

Amazingly, despite the challenges, a part of me felt more alive than I’d ever felt before. Being with my mother taught me to embrace the present. A sense of compassion for others and appreciation for each moment grew within me as I experienced the ragged edges of my life. I couldn’t help but be inspired by my mother – her will to live, communicate and love even as her faculties slipped away.

At the age of 40, my husband and I were blessed with a baby girl. I experienced both the ecstasy of becoming a parent and the grief of not being able to share the experience with my mom. Holding such joy and pain at the same time both bruised and stretched my heart. Little did I know that God was preparing me for the job of being a mother.



Ann Campanella, a former magazine and newspaper journalist, lost her mother to Alzheimer’s while she was trying to become a mother. She shares her story in her memoir, Motherhood: Lost and Found. After a series of miscarriages, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Ann blogs at Fields of Grace and is a guest blogger for Careliving.org. She lives on a farm in North Carolina with her family and animals. You can follow Ann on Facebook and Twitter