Side Effects of a Good Fight

A dear friend recently shared with me that she and her husband had an argument, in the car, in front of their 7 year old son. Now, this particular friend is one who happens to have incredible insight into interpersonal relationships. She had done a lot of work on herself and, as a couple, she and her husband have built a relationship rooted in honest and effective communication. On more than one occasion, she has served as my own moral compass when it came to my life’s challenges.

Now, I don’t remember the reason she gave for this particular argument. What I do remember is that she noted how grateful she was that her son was in the car, at the time. She said that she is always happy when he sees them argue. To most of us, this might sound absurd. Our tendency is to shield kids from anything painful and the thought of two parents fighting can be extraordinarily scary for a child.

So, I asked why she was eager to expose her son to these arguments. She said that, while she and her husband have their disagreements, they always handle them respectfully. They talk honestly about their feelings and what they each need in order to resolve the issue. I’ve always said that the best way to teach a child anything, from table manners to tuning a piano, is to model the desired behavior. By allowing her son to see how she and her husband respectfully work through a difficult situation, they are teaching him to do the same. She added that, as he gets older and engages in his own relationships with others, there is no way he is going to tolerate anyone treating him without respect. He’ll know what a loving and communicative relationship looks like, and he won’t settle for anything less.

What a lucky kid.

Gila Brown, M.A. is a Child Development Expert and Parent Coach, with over 15 years of experience working with children. She specializes in parenting school-age children with grace, using principles of attachment parenting, positive discipline and effective communication. Visit her to get a copy of her free CD ‘Help! My Kids Just Won’t Listen.’