Photo by: Mairi Stephen

Paper Cuts: Pain of the Past

by Tracey of "Just Another Mommy Blog"
Photo by: Mairi Stephen

I’ve got a bunch of scars. Physical and figurative, they made me who I am today…

The one on my chin? Bike accident at age 8. The tree got in my path and I forgot that I could stop with my brakes instead of putting my arms in front of me.

There’s the long incision across my belly where they cut out the cysts that left a numbness on both the surrounding skin and my psyche.

The silvery stretch marks that etch my stomach and thighs prove that I grew 3 human beings within a fairly small body.

Some scars are so deep and personal that no one else can see where the wound was. No one else notices the build-up of figurative scar tissue around my heart.

They say that scar tissue is stronger and more resilient. I’ve heard that it’s much more difficult to cut through thick scar tissue…

Why then is it so easy for this particular wound to be reopened? Especially since I know that I will not allow myself to be re-hurt by the same situation. I won’t. I am taking the high road and all that by disengaging before the situation is even recognized.

But the memory of the former pain still has the ability to paper cut my heart’s scar tissue, over and over and over.

In my opinion? Paper cuts are the worst as they deceive one and all. Their real power is in how tiny they appear to be and how unexpectedly they arrive.

Screw this situation and the old pain. Screw the memories that cannot be changed or fixed. They are what they are. Sometimes you need to remember that you walked away from that situation to preserve yourself and your family’s welfare.

Remember, remember, remember.

Maybe next time, the scar will be thick enough that my nerves can’t be affected, no matter how many paper cuts it receives.

Tracey lives in Illinois and writes whenever she can in between being a SAHM who homeschools her 3 children.

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33 Comments

A very heart felt blog today and I can see has touched many of your lives. These kinds of hurts that settle deep into your heart and rob you of peace and joy, are griefs that you bear from wounds, losses, disappointment, dreams & hopes that didn't come true. Grief will cause your heart to harden if you hang onto it to long. The Lord allows a time of grief & sorrows, but then there is a time to heal and let joy & happiness flood your soul and heal your heart...

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It is difficult to heal from scars that are deep. Scar tissue is strong, but not resilient, it is tough but not flexible. In the body, we can leave scar tissue alone, or we can try to break it down to be replaced by healthy tissue. When we leave it alone, it can cause disruption in the nervous system's communication along that path, which can lead to numbness, pain, or simply a new route for communication...

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I am so proud of seeing your post up here. This is an awesome post, I thought that the first time I read it.

I am so very happy to see it here.

There has been a lot of comments about forgiveness. I have 3 kids and had to leave my marriage to save myself and my family from further abuse. The main forgiveness that I have had to work on is forgiving myself for putting myself in that position. I think the main relationship we all have to work on is with ourselves. There are some actions that we don't have to forgive in others, just a vow that we will learn from our mistakes and never repeat them.

I am a single mom - who home schooled 6 children - and I too have walked away and have scars like you. Maybe it's not about remembering or forgetting - or growing more scar tissue to protect ourselves. I believe that LIFE is pulling for me, holding me... that there is no event through which Life is not awakening me to my highest self. I could close down in anger and resentment - but that ONLY hurts me ( and the children that I am raising )...

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Wow, you guys... The responses are so heartfelt and thoughtful... I am crying for all of you who are hurting right now. Thank you for everyone who expresses their concern and advice. Letting go of this person meant acknowledging that I can't control everything. I can't fix some things. Some things just are what they are...

I'm 69yrs.old,been through alot in those yrs. Best thing to do is lay all those bad things down and go on with life. Will they haunt you? Yes they'll sneak up on you every now and then but just think of something nice or talk to someone. I chose to go back and talk to that person ..that really helped. Now in real life for the paper cut....use a dab of 'super glue', it works wonders and the pain is gone. Used this for years. "It really works wonderful".

This is easy to say but not so easy to do: feel the pain of the past, really feel it, move through it, and appreciate it for what it has helped you become.

The pain of the past hurt you once. The memory of the pain hurts you over and over and over again...

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I so relate to this...
We want so much to protect our children from receiving the wounds that we received. Sadly, we can't, because even if we protect them from those, they will end up with a different set of scars from different reasons.

Maybe it's because I was hurt so badly growing up, mostly because of neglect, indifference, anger or ridicule...

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This post is timely for me right now. We've had a very tragic and unexpected death in the family and it has brought so much up from the past.

Years ago, during my second miscarriage, I read a great book titled "Unspeakable Losses"...

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Congratulations on homeschooling your 3 kids. I homeschooled my now college age daughter. Best thing that I ever did. She is a mature and confident young woman who is working and attending Junior College.

Apart from emotional "paper cuts" I also have daily physical ones that nobody can see. I suffer from Fibromyalgia - I look perfectly healthy (from the outside) but have to take a whole cocktail of pills just to function. All the "cliche's and platitudes" have been said. I just want to share what I'm trying to teach my children (and am trying to practice myself)...

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Wow...letting Jesus take our pain and also the pain caused by us is both a priviledge and an immense responsibility. It is necesary to let it go and truly trust in Him to heal it. This world is our classroom and the struggles given to us make us what God wants us to be. Therapy, parayer, meditation, can all help us break the cycle of abuse we find ourselves in. I have done painful things to others in my unwitting stupidity, or moral weakness. They have done these same things to me and to others...

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I recently had to let go again of an adult son who caused me and the rest of the family pain (again.) It was very difficult and I still feel guilt sometimes but other times I realize this is not my fault I did the best I could raising this child along with the others I have raised and are raising. As you stated Tracey I can't control things nor fix things that is now in my son's hands and God's.

I just wanted to say that I completely know where you are coming from, and for you to put in the words that you did amazes me. As hard as it may be to let your guard down, remember that if you don't give it a chance you may never have the opportunity to experience something great. Thank you for your blog.

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