Missing: Teenage Angst

It has been about four weeks since my two teenagers left for their summer adventures (one as a camp counselor and one as a student in Israel), and about two weeks since we met my daughter at her college orientation. Over these past few weeks, I have literally felt my blood pressure drop and my whole being exhale. The anxiety level in my house and within me has decreased significantly, and I have come to a crystal clear (if not obvious) realization: Raising teenagers is really f-ing hard.

As absence makes the heart grow fonder, it also allows the mind to gain some perspective. I do miss my 18-year-old daughter and 16-year-old son. I miss their wit, humor and companionship. However, I realize that there are several elements of their teenage-hood that I don’t miss…at all.

• The backtalk and the continual second-guessing of my rules and “demands.”

• The battle to get their attention because of their incessant need to be connected with their friends via their cell phone or computer.
• The worrying about them driving, making good choices and staying safe (which doesn’t really ever go away, even when they are hundreds or thousands of miles away) but there’s less I can do about it now.

• The late nights spent waiting to hear them (please God) open the door and come up the stairs to my room to let me know they are home safely and then giving me the forced hug so I can do a quick smell test.

• THE MESS!!! The laundry, dishes, orange juice containers left out on the counter, trail of clothes, papers, shoes, baseball gloves, purses, water bottles that just cannot seem to get picked up on a timely basis.

• And the final, but most prominent element – their ATTITUDE, which is summed up in five simple words: “You”… “Just”…“Don’t”…“Get”…“It”… Because I was never a teenager and could not possibly understand what they are going through! I am so annoying, and why can’t I stop asking so many questions, imposing so many rules, and just get out of their way!?!? Gah!!

A dad friend of mine who takes my yoga class told me today that his teens have been relatively easy. They are focused, kind, respectful and great to be around. Several thoughts and feelings emerged for me, including, Have I done something terribly wrong with my kids? How did he and his wife make this happen? O.k., I still have two more, maybe it will be easier with them?

It is not that my teens aren’t great kids, thankfully they are, and I wouldn’t change a thing about their feistiness and passion for life. There are plenty of moments where I do sit back and sing their praises and feel gratitude for how they are turning into fantastic young adults. HOWEVER, I will not deny that my journey with my teens has been far from easy, and that their transitions from childhood to young adulthood have included many, many bumps over the past several years (for them and for me). Furthermore, I have learned a lot about myself and the baggage that I carry from my own adolescence and teen years, which I needed to deal with to in an effort to effectively parent my teens and in hindsight, that was all good stuff.

And for the record, I do not think any parent goes unscathed during their children’s teen years.

I think my yoga friend is in the minority because most of the parents I talk with feel like they are in the trenches with their teens — battling it out and often feeling defeated and confused. It is during those deflated and confused times that I find myself questioning whether or not I have the strength and the know-how to do what it takes to guide my current teens and teens to-be through these tumultuous years.

But as I am gearing up to launch my oldest teen out of the nest next month, I do know now that despite the challenges, which will undoubtedly arise, I am capable of digging up every tool that I have in my growing tool box of strategies and coping mechanisms, and muddle through the teen years with each one of my children.

But for right now, I am truly appreciating the respite from the teenage battleground, which has provided me with the time and space to realize all that I have learned from my two beloved teenage warriors. This time has also allowed me to enjoy extra time with my 11- and 9-year-olds, who are delighted to have first dibs on my attention, and appreciate the calmness in the house… and within me.

“No one knows his true character until he has run out of gas, purchased something on an installment plan and raised an adolescent.” – humorist Marcelene Cox

Julie Burton is an experienced writer specializing in any and all aspects of parenting, relationships and finding balance. She is a wife and mother of four children ranging in age from 9 to 18. In addition to freelance writing and blogging, she is a yoga instructor, an active community volunteer and soon-to-be author of a tell-all book for mothers. She lives in Minnetonka, MN with her family. You can find her at unscripted mom.