Why Do People Rarely Recipocate with Having Kids Over

I think everyone has busy/crazy schedules with work, family, and social obligations and it's hard to find time for a play date. As they get older, I prefer having the friends at my house. I know what they're doing, who they're with, what they're eating, etc.

We are Guilty as charged. You see, we have a delightful, typical 13 year old who has a lot of friends. But at home, we are a family of 5, and two of our children have autism. It is not that that is so bad, but one of them is extreemely sensitive to change, and it is just too upsetting to have vistors, especially youngsters who might be put off by her behavior (which is not that bad, uless we introduce a trigger like a new friend for her sister.)

Sometimes it takes me an invitation or two to feel comfortable enough to explain, and I have to admit, there have been times that I never felt comfortable exposing our situtation to the other parent. We do our best to take the other chlild someplace outside our home, but that does not happen as often as my NT (neruotypcial) child is invited out, for obvious reasons.

In anycase, ustructured activities would not be possible at my house, and I would be willing to go out on a limb and say that there is a chance that this is true for a percentage of one in 110 children who may have a sibling with the same issues.

Something to consider,

M.

Speaking for myself...1) I get busy; 2) we are not the best at picking up after ourselves on a daily basis so we need to set time aside to do a good clean up before having anyone over; and 3) if #'s 1 and 2 cause a significant lapse in time, I forget to make the plans. It isn't that those people aren't important, but with doctor appts, family gatherings, school functions, kids activities, etc something is bound to get lost in the shuffle. I am sure some people are oblivious, but I venture to guess just as many are like me.

Some people are just more into playdates than others. Some parents dont' want to hear the whining of their other kids when one has a friend over, sometimes it may be overwhelming to have 2 or 3 extra kids over if you're trying to accommodate each of your kids. Some parents may have a lot of driving around to do - if the kids are in a lot of structured activities, this may be the case. If you have a little one, they may not be doing much, but much of the weekend may be taken up with driving the older kid(s) to baseball, soccer, dance, scouts and birthday parties.
Are you a SAHM and the other moms work outside the home? Just curious about that, I don't know your situation and that of the other moms but my experience as a working mom was that when my kids were younger and there was more supervision involved in playdates, I was just too busy to really keep an eye on extra kids a lot of the time - between driving the older one to her activities and having to catch up on all the errands, grocery shopping and chores at home that I don't have time for during the workweek. My kids did invite friends over, but not as often as they might have liked (as in, not every single weekend)
It also may be that the other kids are not asking for playdates. Are you deciding there will be a playdate or are your kiddo's asking, "Can Parker come over?" Some parents just may never call if their kid doesn't think to ask for a playdate. May be as simple as that. As you can see, there may be many reasons that parents don't reciprocate.

I'm just getting into the playdate thing with my 5 year old. I LOVE the idea of having kids come over, but at her age - most moms want to come with them until we all know each other better. So I have to be "on". That is much harder time to carve out vs. 2 5 y.o. just playing together.
But really my big set back - is that even the drop off involves parents coming on in and checking in - which means I feel like my house needs to be clean.
My house used to always be clean, but not anymore. Not with a second little one and a daddy in grad school. There is always a massive laundry pile going on and oh, the clutter. At it's best - my house is "presentable" for 2 days tops before it starts up again. It's just too much added pressure into my routine to deal with playdates - even though i know they are good for the kids.

So, there is one more perspective for you 8)

This is too funny because my friend and I talk about stuff like this all the time. I JUST said to her yesterday something about "I think that moms think that there's this underlying understanding that if your kid gets invited over, it means that it's your turn to have their kid over next time!" I don't get it. I mean, if you invite another child over, and assume that it means your child will be invited over the next time, then why don't parents just ask that in the beginning? Say something like "hey, would you be interested in doing a day trade so the kids can play together a couple of times? Your son could come here this week, and we could figure out a time they can play at your house next week or the week after?" I think that it boils down to women thinking that people just "know" what they're thinking. Think about it, women say all the time things like "why doesn't my husband offer to help out more......why am I the only one making attempts in my friendship with my best friend...." Women have a horrible tendency to "assume" things on other people. People are only human and all completely different. It's unfair and completely unreasonable to assume that people are on the same page as others. If you want something from someone or help from your husband, then just ASK.

You may just be the "cool" house on the block!!! My sister worked hard to gain that distinction on her street. They always had the big swingset, all the sports equipment, allowed water fights in their yard, had a refrigerator/freezer in the garage stocked with drinks and popsicles for the kids. Who wouldn't want to come over to that house to play? This was exactly what my sister wanted and she is thrilled that the kids congregate in her yard. She always knows where her kids are, doesn't have to worry about them being out of sight but also doesn't have to be outside wandering the neighborhood hovering over her kids while they play. If it really bothers you, stop inviting kids over until they reciprocate but I would probably just take it as a compliment that the kids prefer to play at your house.

Good luck,
K.

I have two teenage boys and they have several friends whose parents never have kids over, but they are at our house a lot. To be honest, I now prefer it this way, because I know who my boys are with and what they are doing. The same cannot be said when my boys do go to another's house. It may be annoying now, but you might be happy about it when they are older!

Everyone does things differently and as you said yourself, you can't force other people to be considerate . Honestly, if you are so intent on keeping track of how many times the other parents reciprocate, then you are having the children over to play for all the wrong reasons. You want to make your childrens lives as full and varied as you can, if it means you are the 'only' parent who has friends over to play...so be it. Part of your answer may lie in the fact that you are involved in different activities that some of your children's friends seem to be. If they are involved in structured activities, then they need to be certain places at certain times, I know that 2 of our 3 daughters were very involved in Fast Pitch Softball and it virtually consumed ALL of our summer hours!! Between games, practise and tournaments we were involved in it almost on a daily basis.
Don't spend so much time "comparing" and trying to "even things out"...just go with the flow and enjoy the time with your children!!

Hikermom,

My kids are grown. This was my experience too. I found other mom's couldn't quite take the commotion of having kids around, but the good news is your house will be the fun one with great memories. You can keep an eye on your kids and who they hang around with and your own children will bring their friends for you to meet as they grow older. I know you'd like a little down time yourself once in awhile.......sorry about that.

I'd flip this to the positive. Look at it as Karen posted, your house is the cool house. Now you know where your kids are, and you can relax :) You may appreciate it even more when they are teens. Being connected with your kids can be a gift :)

If you really need them to get out for a while (haha) go ahead and call your friends and make a suggestion.

J.

Honestly, I think in part it may have to do with they DONT want to be responsible in the event that something happens to your child.
In a way, be glad that the kids come over your house in that you can more closely watch your children as well. I actually prefer it that way, not too mention, the idea that many kids do have structured activities is also another reason they may not invite your kids (much less others) is because if they are like a friend of mine who has her kids doing something EVERY DAY... then on their one day off, Sunday.. the parents may not feel like watching other kids... and instead want a break..
right or wrong, kids these days are very structured.. for some, it does keep them our of trouble and really as long as the parents don't over do it.. albeit, some do.... Anyway... I wouldn't take it too personally, in fact not at all.. I assure you, if those other kids are going to structured activities ALL the time, then it's the parents who are probably burnt out... Have you thought about entering your oldest child into something? this way, he can play with his other friends and or make new ones? might want to consider it.. iI play freely as a kid, but looking back, more structured events might not have been so bad..
best of luck to you

my house is that house too. it used to bother me and with my neighbor i had to completely change and not invite her as often because i knew she wasn't reciprocating because she didn't want her picture perfect house become a mess. i thought that was vain. so i stopped inviting her. the rest of the moms, i still do most of the inviting because our house and yard is a giant disney place.

My girls are 8 and 10, and when they were 4-6, we were totally involved in the playdate dance. They got invited to many, and I felt it my duty to reciprocate back. So I did for the most part. Mostly, the kids enjoyed it, and I didn't mind. BUT. . . if you get into this with multiple friends and have multiple kids yourself, and everyone expects a weekly back and forth, it very quickly can fill up your calendar and become hard to keep up with (especially for a more introverted, anti-overscheduled personality like myself). Then I started to feel like as my daughters got older, THEY should be in charge of their social calendar, not me. And really, they each have a handful of friends in the neighborhood, so their social needs were pretty easily be met the old-fashioned "go out and play" way without all the scheduling. I think parent-directed playdates can be overdone. Little kids are happy playing with most anyone, and big kids need to be guided to make their own friendship and free time choices. So I stopped the playdate madness. Yes, I know I ruffled a few feathers, because we were very entrenched in it, but it all got to be too much. And we are busier with a few activities, and with family, and just plain downtime. Now, if my girls want to invite a friend over, THEY need to ask me, and take some initiative to make it happen. And I know they are choosing people THEY really like to be with, not just the friends I can easily call up because I am comfortable with the mom. I will help, advise, and encourage, but I will not orchestrate their friendships. We've lost touch with some old friends that no longer run in the same circles, schools, activities, etc, but that is a learning and growing experience. Also, sometimes as kids get older they grow apart, even though the moms still feel an obligation to "keep it going" I do tell my kids it is nice to reciprocate playdates, that is what good friends do, and if they like playing with so and so, they SHOULD invite them over here next time. But I don't force them to. I tell them they will get out of friendships what they put in to them. And if I notice a certain friend hasn't invited or called my DD for a year, though my calls/invites her out movies, outings, playdates, sleepovers, etc., it's time to think about the balance of give and take in the friendship.

I have as many kids here as I can because I want to know who my kids are plalying with. My daughter is going into middle school and I recently have had to tell her she is not allowed to play with a certain girl.The minute she gets to our house she tells me all the things she is not going to do that her parents want her to do.And I see her do exactly that. I do not judge the kids because they open up to me and I get alot of information. My house can be a huge mess I tell parents that. When the kids are younger just ask if you can take turns. I have a friend who usually says whos turn is it? When people ask if their kids can get together. You may want to pay attention if you ever ask if your son can have bobby over and your daughter can go to suzies house. I tell parents when my kids were little(like yours) I can only take so many ,can you take my son this time?

It might not be the parents. It might be the kids. They might be saying they don't want your kids at their house and prefer to come to yours. As you said the other kids are involved in the structured activities, and they probably enjoy coming over to your house because you let them be kids. I know my friends always prefered my house because we were able to be kids, and didn't have a ton of rules and didn't have our time all mapped out for us.

You are showing the friends that there is another way to raise kids and do things. This will be important as the kids are older and decide how to raise their own kids. Also look at it this way, but the friends always being at your house, you know who your kids are hanging out with. Though they aren't that old yet, as they get older their friends will still come around, and you can make sure they are hanging around the right kids.

I didn't read all posts, but my response is based on when I grew up...I am almost 40. I know things are different now, but even when i was growing up, my house was always the house everyone hung out at. My two brothers and I always had a friend for dinner or staying overnight, and I definitely was not invited over to the same friends houses even 25% of the amount of time they came to my house. Not sure why that was, and my parents never complained about it. They always enjoyed having our friends over and it didn't really seem to matter that we didn't get invited by the other parents as often. I don't agree that it was right, but it was just my experience. I think I will take that same approach with my kids, I will always welcome my childrens friends over and hopefully times have changed and their will be more reciprocation. But I've found that you can't expect the same of other people, you can only do what you want to do and realize that it may not be reciprocated.

I recently posted a question about this with my own friends. I'm afraid, from the responses I got, that most people do not consider invitation reciprocation an important form of etiquette anymore. In fact, some of those responding to me called my ideas immature. It's regrettable, but at least you know it isn't personal.

Sometimes it would be nice to have other parents take on all the kids. But there are circumstances sometimes that prevent that. It's nothing to do with your children's behavior...I'm certain some people just don't have the time, energy, or forget or whatever about having kids over.

Have you asked them if your child can go over and play. They may not know if you don't say anything.

Many people don't normally keep their houses neat enough to be willing to have company over! Some don't feel confident in caring for others' children. Others are simply selfish and would prefer to have a break than have extras around! A few are probably oblivious and don't even think about inviting other kids over. There are lots of reasons why they may not invite other kids over.

My advice? Appreciate the fact that you can provide a safe, healthy environment for your children and their friends to play together in an unstructured and enjoyable way.

So much diversity in the responses! That should tell you something right there. And yes, I recently felt like I was on a first date with a mom I didn't know well when we all went to the park together. Here is an old idea, but a good one. You teach people how to treat you. It might be that simple. Maybe make yourself unavailable for a while. Take the kids to parks instead of the yard. Or just speak your mind.
For the record, I'm old school. It is polite to reciprocate. For anything. Not that you accept graciousness from others thinking that there is a price on it. That isn't a matter of reading anyone's mind. It's manners.
Anyway, change it or accept it. Which is more important to you?
Oh, and I was recently thinking of a quote from Ermma Bombeck (anybody remember her?), something about getting old and wishing she'd had friends over more often. Even though there was a stain on the sofa. Why do I assume everyone else is doing it better than I am?!