When Is It Time to Call It Quits with a Drinking Husband???

A substance abuser will not stop until they hit bottom. And bottom is different for each and every one of them. For some it is the loss of a job or their spouse walking out or both for others they have to lose everything before they quit drinking or using. Some only quit when they die.

Al-Anon will help you to learn how to deal with him. But my best advise is to leave him before the violence escalates.

Great advice from the other moms. I say make 2 phone calls: first to Al-Anon, you need all the support you can get; and second, a good lawyer.

Dear C.-

My ex was an alcoholic. For many years, it appeared to be 'harmless' to those around him. He was, initially, a social drunk - happy til he passed out.

As the years went by, I realized it was more than that. I suggested counseling for us both, and we both went, until the counselor suggested 'no drinking' for a few weeks. He never went back.

I thought I should stick it out for the kiddos. I started attending alanon. Their advice was to 'detach with love'. The problem was that by then I had little love to give as I watched the drinking escalate.

Anyhow, as I was still planning to hang in their for the kids, he did something UNSPEAKABLE to one of the kiddos (in a blackout state).

I wish I had left sooner.

I found out about some affairs post divorce.

He quickly re married, and although I had warned his new wife about his alcohol use...she assured me I was mistaken.

He spent several months in and out of hospitals the past few years for 'liver issues'.

My regret, quite frankly, is that I did not leave earlier.

His choices were/are clear. He has not seen the younger kiddos in years now.

Just my story.

Best Luck!
michele/cat

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ETA for Carrie-

No 'god' that I am familiar with would have wanted me to stay in my marriage. It was not 'god' that abused my child...it was my drunken spouse.

SHAME on you for the 'bury your head in the sand' advice...

AMEN

C., your story is way too close to my own for me to offer any objective guidance.

It's been 6 years since I left and I'm STILL not sure I did the right thing.

Sending you clarity that I have not been able to find.

:(

ETA: carrie unless you've lived as a child of an alocholic parent i think it's best you dont reccomend she stay til death do her part, when he could be the one to cause her death or something equally horrible to one of her kids or herself!
there is a way to reccomend trying without making someone feel guily for not trying. sometimes it IS healthier to leave and i'm sure no god wouldve wanted my mom to stay with my dad who abused us and her.

i've never heard of an alcoholic not remembering. are you sure he doesnt say that to avoid it?
my dad would drink from 5am until he fell asleep every night. his tolerance was high but he was abusive verbally and physically.
i can tell you from the perspective of the child of an alcoholic , my brother and I wshed they would have divorced. my mom did what you want a few times but always let him back in because he would watxch us and she could escape....she even had a protection order on him once and still let him back in.
only you are in charge of your life. control it. if he is unhealthy for your kids leave...no ultimatums...J. leave...if he gets better to proove he can and for himself then good..but give it a good time befoe letting him back in.

its not a matter of loving the kids or you more than the bottle its an addiction
my dad never saw it as a problem for us. even during his sober times he would think the problem was us not him

Alcoholism is a sickness, one that cannot be cured until he admits there is a problem. No amount of asking, nagging, threatening, loving,or blaming is going to change him, the change has to come from himself. The consistent blacking out is a real problem. What if drives in that condition and kills someone?

You have reached the point at which I would separate, the point where you feel that it is possible that you and/or your children are in danger when he drinks. Please find an Al-anon group in your area, both for you and your children. The damage that he is doing to them is real and needs to be addressed. Don't wait, most alcoholics have to hit bottom before coming back up and you don't want him to take you with him.

OH NO, Carrie, it CAN get worse.
Go to an Alanon meeting and listen to people who talk about growing up with alcoholic fathers, and picture your kids standing there in 15 yrs. complaining about their childhood.
Picture your kids growing up and marrying someone similar to dear old dad and continuing your story.
Picture your kids in his car, you know he doesnt consider himself drunk after just a few!!
He's a grown man, if he gets better you can take him back. In the meantime protect your children as best you can.

if he won't go and get help you or your children don't need to live in that kind of fear my friend lost her life because of her husband's drinking he was perfect when he was not drinking and he never hit her but he got to drinking one night and beat her to death and didn't remember any of it . he got life but their 2 kids are the ones suffering now so please try to get him help or for god sake's leave if he loves you all he will try to get help we all need help some times.

Till death do you part! no matter what.. 1. God. 2. yourself. 3. your spouse. 4. your children... . . .. Put him in rehab... It can only get better... When it is all over he will love you much more for being by his side hand helping him get his live back... It is a Sickness "yes" hard to deal with but he still need you now more then ever... Do not turn your back on your husband stand by his side and HELP.. him.. Send the kids to family if needed but he needs you as well.....

I don't think there's an easy answer to your question.
But I can offer this:
-When HE admits he is powerless over alcohol and it is affecting his life nevativy, then HE will seek help.
-when YOU feel that you are sick and tired if being sick and tired of the lifestyle he is causing, it's time to leave
-If you feel the environment is unfit or unsafe for you or your kids, it's time to leave
-When you do leave, don't think it will trigger instant change on your husband. It won't. He might get worse. Be prepared for either fork in the road.
-Until you decide, go to Alanon. They will help you see things clearly, as there is a completely different set of right/wrong/help/hurt rules in any alcoholic family. You will learn how to place THIS responsibility right where it belongs--on HIS shoulders.
-Don't stay "for the kids"! I grew up with an alcoholic father, and I can't imagine why my mom stayed as long as she did--it had to be "for the kids." Guess what? Wish he was gone WAY before he was. It's SO dysfunctional for kids to grow up like that.
-Stay strong, have a safe place to go, in case you need it.
-If you give him an ultimatum, stick to it.
-Detox from alcohol can be severe. People die. Find a safe, medical detox place IN CASE he agrees to go.
-30 AA meetings in 30 days would be a good place to start,
All the best to you & your family!

Sadly, I don't think an ultimatum will be the end all, he is having regular blackouts and is very ill. My thinking is that he will not stay healthy very long and that will establish a time table. I suggest you got to al-anon or get into some other group that helps. He may not have a million years if he is drinking as badly as it sounds. My prayers go out to you.

As someone with an addictive personality (i use to smoke 1.5-2 packs of cigarettes a day --for years), I get addiction. Only the addict can quit. This has nothing to do with you or your kids. I'm sure he loves you all terribly, but he is under the grips of a strong force that he cannot control. It is controlling him, and only he can break that force. In short, he will only straighten up when he is ready to straighten up.

So, where does that leave you? You need to accept that he has to make the decision by himself. If you cannot tolerate living with him till he hits that point, then it is time to leave. But please do not leave to give him an ultimatum. He has to make the decision to quit --all by himself --or it won't work.

My first answer would be it's time to call it quits when HE won't quit...

That said... if someone isn't getting better they are simply getting worse. Oh it would be nice if every time we gave an addict an ultimatum they'd take us seriously (coming from a family of MAJOR drunks) However, they don't care because they are deep into their disease... Therefore, the only person you can help here is you and your kids...

Have you considered going to an Alanon meeting? I mention this because even if you aren't the addict, you've probably experienced isolation and loneliness over the years due to your husband's drinking.. but if you can attend a meeting, you ll find that you don't have to be alone, you needn't go through this by yourself.. They also have meetings for kids. Anyway, by going to a meeting, you ll meet and hear other people's stories who have experienced similar situations and learn how they survived and are doing better. Although it would be great if your husband would stop drinking, he may not.... and that is a tough pill to swallow.. but 14 years is long enough.. Don't you deserve to have a happy life as do you kids?

I am not suggesting that you leave your husband flat out, but consider this. while you may not have left him...... by virtue of his drinking, hasn't he in some way already left you and the kids? he may be there physically.. but as long as he is drinking he isn't there 100%... and not only as a wife do you deserve a husband who is there 100% I well imagine you would agree that your kids deserve better as well..

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you and the kids all the best

First of all I would try to get him in rehab. You might even have to have an intervention maybe with the couples from our trip. One other think I would do is set up a video camera. That way you have proof. And you can show him when he's sober. Don't show him your only copy as he may destroy it. But you may need it if you ever have to go to court. My friend never thought that her husband would lay a hand on her but he did when their 4 kids were sleeping and she was taken to the hospital. But if you tape it you have evidence of how he gets.

You need to help him with his sickness before leaving. Even though there have been some bad incidents with the kids, there is still hope that he can be helped. If today is the first day of him being sober, than it can get better. And in the long run the family will be closer and better off. It will not be easy, I can promise you this. But you have to figure out if he will be on board with it first. Talk to him. Tell him you need him to stop drinking and see what his reaction is. If he thinks it's not an issue, ask him if he'd be ok attending some family counseling so he can get a better understanding of how much it affects all of you. And if he's the good guy I'm guessing he is, he will work on making the change.

My MIL left my FIL with no notice when DH was 12 and his sibling was 11. She left because he was an alcoholic. Didn't give him a second chance. Didn't help him try to get treatment. Well, a year after she'd left, he quit cold turkey and hasn't touched it in the 30 years since. She had so much pent up anger at him that she couldn't/wouldn't come back. And who suffered in the end? You guessed it - DH and his sibling. They suffered BIG TIME. Took him about 10 years to become functional again.

So give him a chance, talk to him, and you'll get an idea really quickly if you need to give the ultimate ultimatem. Good luck to you and him both!!!

Sorry C., I've had experience with alcoholics in my family. My experience is that they don't believe they have a problem and won't change or get help. They just make everyone miserable, and everyone has to "tip toe" around them pretending everything's okay.

Fortunately for you, you're an adult and have the ability to move you and your kids away from it. It's terrible for your kids to have to be around this. I would file for the separation today and hopefully he gets help...then go from there.

Hi C.,

Yes, you need to pack your bags. Remember, your actions speak to your children louder than words. If you want to teach them that it's okay for your husband to act like this towards you, then stay. But, expect them to do the same thing to not only you, but to other women as they grow older as well.

Your husband needs a wake up call. But, you should note all of these incidents in a notebook or some such thing and you might want to get those friends who witnessed this behavior to write out what they saw and sign it because if you do decide to divorce, the child custody may get crazy especially since it sounds like he's a functioning alcoholic.

Life is too short for you to live like this. I too had to leave an alcoholic husband and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Just keep thinking of the welfare of your children (what this is causing them psychologically as well as potentially physically).

Best of luck,
S.

Intervention time.

Give him your ultimatum....he gets help or you and the kids are gone.

Sorry C..

Addiction is serious and can not be ignored. I have it on both sides of my family and I know that it is hard to live with and hard to deal with. You do not want to be with him the way he is and yet you feel bad for leaving him alone to deal with it or to drink himself to death. The choice is yours and yours alone but if I were you I would do the intervention and offer him your help to get him through this but I would be prepared to walk away should he not accept it.

~The other ladies have a good idea with the video tapping him? Maybe if he saw himself how you and his boys have to see him, he might think long and hard about seeking help?

I haven't read all of your post. I'm answering based on my experience of learning when to call it quits in a relationship. Call it quits when you realize that the relationship is not providing what you need and the other person is unable or unwilling to support you in meeting your needs as an individual and work with you in meeting your needs as a couple.

I needed counseling to help me learn what I needed and how I could provide for my own needs without a partner. Once I could be self sufficient I could let someone else into my life. I have had alcoholics in my life and learned that they cannot be supportive of anyone else; not even themselves. There is no hope for a relationship as long as one of the couple is drinking.

After reading your post, I urge you to make a break from him. He cannot stop his way of behavior until he completely stops drinking. He will continue drinking until life is so miserable for him that he has to stop. When you stay with him he has little incentive to stop. He will continue to hope that you won't leave and continue to drink.

I urge you to go to Alanon meetings or even AA meetings so that you can learn about alcoholism and have support for making a decision that will protect you and your boys.

People die from alcoholism. Probably his best chance for turning his life around is your leaving him. It may help if you think of it as a major step in his recovery. That does not mean that he will quit drinking yet. But it will definitely be a huge milestone for him in the right direction even though it will not feel that way. The other thing I would caution is to talk to a divorce lawyer in advance of any big moves as it will be very important that you are the custodial parent and your children are never put in an unsupervised visit until he is a safer parent. You wouldn't let an impaired person watch your children if they were a babysitter or teacher, you certainly can't do it now, so just as a practical matter, try to remove some of the emotion and work on a safety plan with a lawyer/mediator until he gets help.

Addiction's hard for all concerned. He doesn't think it's an issue, so it's not. Alcoholism is a cruel addictive illness.

When he's like this, ONLY if you can safely do so, take a video clip of it to play back to him later. Since he cannot remember, confront him with physical undeniable proof of it, with family if at all possible. Don't do it alone.

Goto AA(can't remember the name of the group atm, it's "I need coffee o'clock") meetings for yourself, so you can see you are not alone...

Get yourself together. The meetings will help you find clarity. Your kids need you to be stronger. After you have done that, you can come to a decision, though from your post, you seem to have already made up your mind, so it's all about getting it together now.

Lots of love to you Mama.

He is an alcoholic and just like a cancer patient can't control the tumors, he can't control his drinking. In one sentence you say he is functioning well, but in another you say he gets so drunk he can't function. I would imagine that you've lost the friends who went to the couples trip with you? If so, how does he explain that? And if not, have you asked one of the other husbands to talk with your hubby?

You do need to pack your bags. All the ultimatums in the world cannot and will not get a person sober. He has to want to do it for HIMSELF - not you; not the kids; not his job; HIMSELF! You can't hang sobriety on other people. People tend to disappoint other people. That disappointment will lead him right back to the bottle.

No, this has to be done by him and because of HIM. Instead of you packing your bags, however, I would get a good lawyer, file for separation and immediate and exclusive possession of the home. Then pack his bags!