Husband Agreed to Couseling!!!!!

Updated on May 31, 2011
M.F. asks from Youngstown, OH
9 answers

I do not feel loved by my husband at all. I haven't for a long time. I know he loves me or we would not be married but I don't feel loved and I am sick of it. Literally sick. I am sick to my stomach everyday and I just hate my marraige. My husband is an alcoholic and I am hoping he will see that when we go talk to a phsycologist. He also thinks nothing is wrong or he just doesn't want to hear about how he is wrong. I am not saying I am perfect but a lot of our issues are him being a jerk and me reacting but I also will be willing to acknowledge and change anything I do that doesn't work for him. He thinks I am not going to follow through on making the appointment. He thinks I am just mad about an argument we had today. I am however relieved he said yes. At first he said no and I told him then he better think about a seperation because I refuse to live like we are anymore. He left the room in a huff and then came back a bit later and started asking questions like what can a counselor help us with that we can't do ourselves and will it be a man or woman? Friends of ours went to a woman and my husband made a comment to me one time that he wouldn't want to go to a woman. So I am going to look for a man who takes our insurance. Any advice would be so great. I have never been to a physcologist for myself so I don't know what to expect. So what can we expect?

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So What Happened?

Thank you to everyone! I realize my husband isn't going to like it once the drinking is addressed, I know he will hate it and probably not want to go. His drinking is part of the problem but there are others. I am just having faith in God that this will work.

More Answers


answers from Modesto on

If he's an alcoholic he's not going to like counseling unless he truly wants to save the marriage. His disease will be challenged. He will be defensive. So make sure you give it time to work, dont just go once and be done with it, keep going and wait for the break through.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

They will just talk to you, usually you fill out paperwork and they ask a lot of questions so they know what the issues are. I advise you to go to therapy on your own too or attend some Alanon meetings they are for people that have an alcoholic in their life. The meetings help you cope. One thing I learned is don't make threats you don't keep, if you say go to see someone or I am leaving etc. you have to follow through. It is sort of like a kid if you keep saying no but let them get away with it they know you aren't going to do anything the same with an alcoholic words are just words until you follow through. Good Luck to you I have been there and it is a hard thing to live with.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

You can ask your Minister to recommend a marriage counselor. I also strongly suggest you attend some Alanon Meetings. You will see you are not alone, you will see things that YOU can do to give your self strength.

Alcoholism is a disease. You need support so you do not lose yourself or your own mind.

Marriage counseling totally saved our marriage 28 years ago..
We were 5 minutes from just ending the marriage..
I am sending you strength and peace.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I cant really offer any insight into the world of marriage counseling. I just wanted to say that im happy there is optimism where there was once no hope. surrender to the process and dont be afraid to say and do things that gave you pause before.

If theres a chance it will work , you guys can do it.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Provo on

We tried counseling and it was a joke. I liked it but my ex was bent on making sure the counselor knew I was the one who was always wrong, My ex went in with a closed mind and he showed all of his true colors because that is what happens. I would say that if he truly wants help, it will be a good experience for you both. Good luck :)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Sacramento on

Definitely go to counseling.
It saved our marriage and other's I've known.
Counseling is great for a couple to understand how each other works, expects, has grown up in their households w/their parents and how to change things.
However, alcoholism is a separate issue: it's a disease that needs to be addressed in addition to the counseling.
If you can't find a counselor covered by your insurance that will take you before 5pm, look in your local white pages for one locally.
We did that and it was tons better than our insurance covered insurance one.
Also, they take appointments until 7pm.
The first meeting is to get to know you and gather info. Why are you here and some background type info.
Then after that they you will come armmed w/issues to address and/or they will lead you into the next phase/question
Go, take quite a few sessions, relax, breathe, have faith it will work. Half the battle is he is willing to go. Sometimes counseling really works and it's worth it!!! Best of luck to you and your husband.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

It would def. help, we also were min. away from divorce but we have been meeting with our Pastor and this couple that are our friends (from church)but they do not take sides at all. If it wasnt for them , our Pastor and God we would be done. Save your marriage, learn to fall in love again, put eachother first and find what brought you together in the first place. I am not saying meet with friends but I am saying that is what worked for us. We had to have someone who knew everything about us , not take sides and be there at any moment and they have been through so much more then we have. Good Luck, God Bless and don't give up. Love is a choice.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

marriage counseling will not save your marriage, though it might be the first step. If he doesn't quit drinking it will not get better. When I went to an ALanon meeting I was struck by how many older adults were still dealing with the fact they were raised in a home with an alcoholic. It had such an effect on them they were still talking about it and it effected their choice of spouses, You begin to see as normal that which you grow up with. I chose to to let my kids grow up with an alcoholic. I hope you dont have to make that choice. I hope the therapist will help your husband see that alcohol is ruining his marriage. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dayton on

Hi M.,
I feel for you as I too was married to an alcoholic. I did so many things to help keep myself sane while I was married. A big help was Al Anon meetings and understanding what my husband was going through. Then I also just focused on me and the kids and how I could keep a somewhat "normal" life for them and myself. We basically disconnected from him mentally and physically so that his behavior would not have the same nauseating effect on us. As was so aptly expressed at one Al Anon meeting, your husband is the one drinking the poison, so why is it that the rest of the family are the ones getting sick? While a person is actively drinking and getting drunk, they are incapable of having a healthy relationship so the first thing that needs to be addressed is the alcoholism. Once they are recovering then the trust and relationship can be restored. It takes a lot of patience. Meanwhile, your husband is concerned about whether it is going to be a male or female counselor probably because he thinks if it is a woman, it is going to be a "male" bashing experience.
If you want to see the most change, start with yourself. Give him all the love in the world, even though in your mind you don't feel he deserves it.
Be compassionate but not enabling. (You'll find out more about what enabling is at the Al Anon meetings.) Keep telling him, "I love you so much! I want what is best for you and for you to be happy." Because let's face it, alcoholics are not happy people inside. They are so focused on themselves and how miserable they feel. They feel the whole world is against them and they justify that feeling every time someone tells them they are doing something wrong or nags them to do something they are not which justifies in their mind why they should drink, to numb those negative feelings. It is a cycle of addiction that is hard to break but is very possible! Once they truly believe and feel you are on their side and truly want what is best for them, they are much more likely to try the things (counseling or rehab) that will truly help them. Sometimes ultimatums help, but you better be ready to follow through with any if they don't comply. If you threaten separation if they don't go to counseling, then you better have your plans of where to go and everything packed and ready to go. If you do not follow through on an ultimatum, they won't ever take them seriously from you in the future. Believe me, alcoholics have heard many ultimatums of "if you don't stop drinking then..." from their employers and spouses and the majority of them are never implemented. Alcoholics then learn to not take them seriously.
There are many professionals out there who can help you. Even if your husband won't go, I recommend counseling for yourself and your kids, if you have any and also some Al Anon groups. Try and find a male counselor who specializes in addictive disorders if that is who your husband might trust. It is very difficult for an Alcoholic to trust anyone considering they think the whole world is out to throw them under the bus. But remember, the worst of things have to occur first before change usually takes place. So hold tight to the support groups and family that you can and try and weather out the storm because there will be a rainbow on the other side.

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