When Did "Taking an Interest in Kids" Become a "Red Flag."

I take interest in most kids. I compare them to my own. I like kids and I like talking to them. I feel a positive experience with a stranger helps children be more social adults. I have seen parents with both extremes to my interests. Either they pick up the kid and run like the wind away from me, or they say "oh hey watch my baby for 15 minutes while I smoke text and talk to these other people"

Some people are just paranoid. They think everyone is after their kids even though that is statistically impossible. So they find proof to fit their hypothesis.

I go with my gut. It's HOW people take an interest i my child. I will give you an example. I volunteer for a cat rescue, where we clean the cages play with the kitties, give medication, etc. My son comes with me and plays with the kitties. We encounter LOTS of looking at the kitties on a daily basis. On one particular day, a man came about looking at a cat. He was talking to my son, taking an interest in him. It was totally in a way, that I could tell he was a parent. He was talking with my son, answering questions, totally normal parent stuff. Later, another man came along. He showed no real interest in the cats, but instead showed interest in my son. I was immediately uncomfortable with this man, and kept my distance. He kept lingering. He even tried to ask a personal question to my son..."Do you live around here? Where?" I went to management, and they asked him if he needed help, and kept an eye on him. My gut was in knots with this guy. He was completely hyper focused on my son, with no need to be near us...that I could tell. He was just someone who gave me a danger vibe.

If I met a stranger in a cafe, and SHE suggested babysitting my children, or took only an interest in them and not serving me, getting to know me...yes I would be wary. I do think strangers try to make personal contact (babysitting) with my child without any relationship, would make me raise a brow. I would not choose them, just in case. This is not a teenager looking for extra money and asking neighbors he/she may not know well. This is an ADULT, a complete stranger, who has a job, wanting to babysit strange kids she doesn't know. (Of course, I think the other poster asked her, so that is really different. I'm just giving you an example of if she is the one whoa asked. )

I've only ever really had a few times, someone made me feel uncomfortable with my child. I don't think many people will ignore a small child. I think MOST people are just being nice and friendly. I never ignore a child standing there, and I would be shocked if someone was ever suspicious of me. That's why it's a gut thing. I don't assume anyone is out to get my kid, so when I feel wonky inside...I simply honor it, because it's not something that usually happens.

Well, being from the south, especially the "deep" south (I grew up in GA and AL), this type of behavior is not uncommon at all. That being said, I don't throw all caution out the door when strangers try to talk to my kids (especially grocery shopping). I make sure to be involved in the conversation myself just to send the message that "I've got my eye on you" LOL I find that the majority of people who try to speak to my kids are the older grandparent type so I don't feel too threatened by that. Probably would be different if it was a 25 year old guy, can't tell you why exactly but I would find that awkward. There have been cases here and there where some weirdo exposes himself in a Walmart to some unsuspecting kid so maybe I'm a little jaded about that kind of stuff.

The situation that woman was describing wouldn't bother me too much at all. I wouldn't necessarily hire her yet to babysit but since they see each other often, there is definitely some positive relationship building happening which is a good thing :-)

Seriously. I think this subject has really been hit with the "one bad apple spoils the bunch" philosophy. Yes, there are some bad apples out there who are out to prey on kids. Horrifying. But, there are SO MANY MORE good folks who are just trying to be friendly, chit-chat, even just acknowledge the existence of other humans they come into contact with throughout the day. Plus, I think that it's easy and common for kids to feel "ignored" by adults, and it's nice (or should be) when an adult actually takes the time to acknowledge and talk to kids, and kids get a chance to learn to interact with adults. It's sad that what should be considered normal human interaction so quickly gets thrown into the category of "suspect", in order to stay on the safe side.

(Anecdote: when I was a kid in the 80's, apparently "stranger danger" was a big subject and it had my mom freaked out. When I was about 3, she drilled into me so fiercely that I was NOT under ANY circumstances to talk to ANY strangers EVER, that one day we were at the grocery store, I was sitting in the grocery cart with my mom about 5ft away and an elderly gentleman came up and said to me "my, what a beautiful little girl you are", and I screamed at the top of my little lungs "YOU'RE A STRAAAAANGEEEERRR!!!! I CAN'T TALK TO YOU!!!". I remember being scared that I was going to get in trouble for this man talking to me, the poor man was shocked at my response and didn't know what to say. To hear my mom retell the story, he really was just a nice old man, not a creep. Sure, the fear my mom programmed into me kept me on the "safe side", but it also meant that a nice old man got screamed at by a 3 year old.)

I think the "safe side" includes listening to your gut, as other posters have mentioned, and also teaching kids (not scaring them) about appropriate and inappropriate conversations with strangers, so that they can start learning how to listen to their gut too. Personally, I don't want to live in (or teach my kids to live in) a "trust everybody" or "trust nobody" world - I think that undermines community, human connection and social intelligence.

It's tough because there's no "perfect" answer that will always keep everybody safe all the time, and also leave people open to connecting with all the "safe" people all the time. The best tool I have for navigating this stuff is my gut. It's been right 99% if not 100% of the time so far (except for that time when I was 3...). If anyone has a better idea, let me know!

Yes, I go with my gut. And I treat with caution those who take an interest in my kids ;-)

Regarding the previous post, there is a big difference between making friendly conversation with someone who is nice to your kids and agreeing to have them spend hours alone with your kid after only having know them for a few hours.

In the context of the earlier question, the poster asked a relative stranger whether she'd like to babysit and in the interim did a background check that raised red flags. She did that because they have no family in town. Neither do I. But I am very protective of my kids. We rarely use sitters of any kind and have never used day care. I would never ask my local barista who simply makes pleasant small talk to babysit my kids. The only people who have watched my kids are my friends, whom I've known for years and have kids of their own, or the teenage girls up the street whom I've known since they were little, know they've had red cross training and are honors students, etc., etc.

While the barista did not initiate the babysitting talk, I think if she had, I would pleasantly say maybe someday but would never actually consider it without more of a relationship. A stranger making small talk with my kids in a public place with me present raises no red flags for me. But a stranger trying to insert herself into the life of my kids, asking too many questions about school or where we live, or requesting to babysit, would most certainly be a red flag for me. I think that's how some people read it.

It depends on the form the interest takes.
A comment of "Oh what beautiful eyes she has." from a stranger is not a danger signal.
A string of personal questions or attempts to get too familiar with my child too quickly ("So you little cutie, so you like puppies or kittens better? What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? Would you like some now? Mommy said no. Mean mommy. " would be a red flag.

Boy-- this is tough one. You know, I just try to be present and aware. I worked with kids for a long time and realize they are people too, so that if I was talking to someone I just met, and the kids seemed interested in talking to me, I would likely show an interest in what they were saying. Just because they're young doesn't mean that they don't have something to contribute to the conversation.

Would I act all creepy about it? no. Would I glom onto them every time they came into the cafe or wherever we met? No. But I have to say, it is nice to have some interest shown to my own son by those we know, and maybe that's where the difference lies. It might be far more disconcerting to have a stranger doing this than a known friend or neighbor.

I don't believe you go from 'pervert' to 'parent' just by having a baby, if you know what I mean. That's sort of the same thinking which suggests that guys who want to work with young children and are not dads *might* be pedophiles. It doesn't make sense to me. Long before I wanted to have kids, I was a preschool teacher and a nanny. By actively applying for those positions, I was taking an interest in other people's kids, too.

We should not refer to a an adult's 'parent or not' status when we consider if they are 'safe' to watch our kids. I think doing a criminal history check is a more concrete way to screen that person, but I also think that little voice inside our gut-- and being present and aware-- these things are what we should listen to, not suspicions just because a person doesn't have kids. To me, that just doesn't seem like an evidence-based way to make a decision.

i do think it's sad that modern parenting involves such a suspicious view of the world. of course we should be careful and pro-active about protecting our kids from predators. but assuming that all kindly strangers are predators sends a terrible message.
i know i've used my FIL as an example before, but he's the one i always think of when i read posts like this. he's deaf as a post and barely mobile, and as sweet and innocuous as a big stuffed bear. the older he's become, the more he just adores littles. he smiles his big false-teeth smile at them, fumbles in his pockets for candy or change, and just loves it if they talk to him or play near him. most mamas here would eschew him as if he were a real bear. it makes me sad.
that doesn't mean i think everyone should let their kids play with, or be babysat, or go off alone with nice-seeming strangers. but i don't think think that a stranger who seems delighted by your adorable moppet is necessarily creepy either.
khairete
S.

No, I don't think being friendly with children in public is a red flag at all (I am friendly with other peoples' children all the time) but I WOULD find it strange if someone I just met offered his/her services as a sitter, is that what happened?

I would have to agree with you F. B.. 9 times out of 10 that "gut feeling" is correct. It may not be that the woman is a predator. I could be that her parenting skills may not match the same ones at the actual parent. Some parenting skills are down right dangerous. Everyone who takes interest in child welfare, isn't a predator. Predators do seek out ways to have easy access to children and they will "groom" the parent as well as the child, because they have to get the parent's trust up in order to get to be alone with the child. They will be overly helpful and give gifts to the child. They have more than concern about a child's welfare. Any person you hire as a babysitter, has to be checked out to the max. Even someone you feel comfortable with and trust. Background checks, other parents who used them as a baby sitter, as much info as you can find.

That was my question! Yes, I did think it was a little extreme. But I thought maybe it was the way I phrased it. I meant to follow-up with that, but never did. By "took an interest," I mean that I was trying to place my lunch order, she was the person waiting on me. As I'm talking, I realized she's not even paying attention, because she's busy playing peek-a-boo with my one year old. She finally snapped back to reality and apologized, continued with my order. i took that as a good thing--she likes kids, babies. Anyway, that probably doesn't matter, the context. I don't think it's automatically a red flag if someone takes an interest in my kids. I think it's sad that people automatically think that, and also sad that people might not be wary of a woman who shows interest, but would be wary of a man who does. However, when I read the "red flag" comments, I thought maybe I was the weirdo.

I thought that was kinda "funny," too... and I think it depends on the person, specifically... which in the end, means going with your gut.

I mean, how often are we at restaurants where servers (which the woman in the post was) pay attention to our kids? It happens, and I have never once been weirded out by it. And I'm pretty paranoid about other people around my kid...

I guess I just know, too, that servers know they have to "work" the whole table, including the kids. Not that they're not often genuine (it's hard to fake comfort with kids), but it is also kinda part of the job to show an interest in all the guests... seems commonsense to me and not really reason for alarm.

And, yes, I am often walking my kid and dog and people smile or say hi. I got the impression that some of the folks who responded to the question would shoot the passersby nasty scowls (which probably isn't accurate)... Sad, if you ask me. Again, I'm pretty paranoid about people, but I thought those responses were extreme and surprising. It's definitely not unheard-of for a 20/21-year-old female server to interact with my kid (or my nieces/nephews)...

People also seemed to miss that it was the mom who asked the woman if she babysat, which makes quite a difference to me, too. (And I responded to that question, saying no, wait for date night... but not because the server took an interest in her kids...)

Did they really say that in answer to the question? The only reason I thought she probably shouldn't hire her is because she found some shady legal issue that would cause her to worry the whole time the woman was babysitting.

It's not worth hiring a sitter who is going to cause you to worry the whole time you're supposed to be enjoying yourself, so you might as well find someone you can be comfortable with.

Dunno. Very sad, isn't it?

It depends on the interaction. Friend of mine had to get a cease and deist order against a neighbor who was overly friendly toward her daughter. I will have to go find that other thread (if it's still up) to see what was said. But if like Veronica stated the stranger was pushy and too familiar with kids she doesn't know, then that would be a flag for me.

It's one thing for someone to say hi to my kid in the store, ask about a toy, something mindless and move on. It's another for someone to latch onto my child for a duration that is not appropriate. My DD is 4 and still learning who can talk to her and who can't.