"What Teachers Really Want to Tell Parents"

I didn't have time to read the entire article, but recently, I signed my daughter up for Kumon.

I asked the instructor, where do the parents wait? Are we allowed inside the classroom?

She smiled and very politely said, there are no parents in my classroom. Do you see how orderly this is, could you imagine the mess I would have with the parents in here.

I found it pretty funny because I can see the truth in it.

I base my opinion about teachers on MY personal experiences with them. So, no this article does nothing to change my opinion.

Maybe all of this is true. I don't really know, because I can only speak from my own experiences. I'm the person sending my well-mannered, well-rested, well-fed child to school ready to learn. If my kid steps a foot out of line while at school, believe me, my child will feel my wrath when she gets home. My children know that they must be respectful at all times toward the adults who are in charge of them - whether that's us as parents, whether it's a teacher, whether it's a grandparent or a friend's parent.

That being said, teachers need to stop whining about how hard teaching is and how horrible parents are. I spend a LOT of time in my kids' classrooms volunteering, and by and large, the kids behave. The parents volunteer. We donate money. The teacher asks us to do something, and we jump to do it. There are a LOT of jobs in the world that are hard, that pay a lot less than teaching, and that have significantly fewer benefits. Most jobs do not enjoy the public support that teaching does (what would happen if I asked my employees' parents to come to work and help me move my office? Would they all jump to do it? I doubt it! Yet, last week when my 3rd grader's teacher asked for help packing up her classroom, 4 parents showed up with boxes and performed the move ourselves.)

Most of the teachers I've encountered have been hard workers and seem to care about their students. However, not all of them have been effective as educators. It's hard to take a profession seriously when 100% of the failure to achieve success is laid at the feet of the clients. That definitely wouldn't fly in my industry.

My thoughts are thus: teachers are afforded little respect these days and it shows. From slamming them for the profession they've chosen ('Those who can, do; those who can't, teach') to berating them for the pay they make, the vacation time afforded to them, and on and on and on ... it's pretty sad. Some of the most successful countries in the world value their teachers beyond measure and support and pay them quite well. Teachers in such countries are highly respected. And those teachers are turning out some of the brightest humans on the planet (I'm thinking of Finland right now, btw)

I think back to my parents during the time that my brother and I were in school. My parents took our education and their relationship with our teachers seriously. If one of us got in trouble, hell, they believed the teacher. If one of us wasn't pulling our weight, they listened to the teacher and the hammer came down at home. There was no excuse-making. There was no arguing with the teacher. There were no requests to change grades. (What the heck is that? You get what you *earned.*)

So, yeah, I think it's a sad state of affairs for teachers these days and I don't envy them one iota -- and I have a lot of friends that are teachers. Anyway, that's why I support my child's teachers and give them the respect that they deserve.

Oh, by the way, did I mention that I'm the daughter of a teacher? :)

I agree with a lot of this article.

However, just like any profession, there are good ones and bad ones. I have NO problem backing up a teacher if they say there was a problem with my child. If my child misbehaves in class, then he will be writing an apology note to the teacher that night. I have NO problem providing extra supplies for the teacher to make the class learning experience better. I have no problem volunteering in the classroom as my work schedule allows. I WANT the teacher to feel like they can contact me with any problem that they have with my child. I also want to feel like I can communicate with the teacher if I see a problem with my child's work at home. I expect to have a partnership with the teacher to give my child the best education possible.

That being said, I am frustrated with some teachers and their lack of "follow-through" if you will. For instance, I am on the PTA Board and I have convinced the PTA to give some money towards science supplies for the school. I met with the science lead at the school and requested a list of supplies that they wanted to purchase with the PTA money. Additionally, I came in on my own time and inventoried the stuff they already have so that it is easier on the teachers to make lesson plans. I have also contributed PERSONAL money to this project. I have yet to receive the stuff that the science teacher promised to me.

I cringe when I see that I cannot get a response from a teacher. How in the world do we teach responsibility and accountability to our kids when we do not follow through on what we said we would do? I get that they are busy, but damn, so am I. I work full time as well. Teachers get a lot of benefits that workers in other industries do not get to have. Yet, there are teachers that seem to complain incessantly about everything with their profession.

I will 90% of the time back the teacher. My kids get in big trouble for any negative feedback from them - whether it be academic or behavioral. That used to be 100% but got downgraded due to some issues with a teacher this year. I had other parents telling me about the harshness a teacher was showing towards my child for no wrong doing (they were in the hallway watching and weren't in my inner circle so the teacher wasn't aware they knew me). As well as an overall dislike of the teacher my other children in the class. But despite an unlikeable teacher, I do teach my kids that they need to learn how to adapt and still make it work.

However, I take great issue with the following paragraph:

"One of my biggest pet peeves is when I tell a mom something her son did and she turns, looks at him and asks, "Is that true?" Well, of course it's true. I just told you. And please don't ask whether a classmate can confirm what happened or whether another teacher might have been present. It only demeans teachers and weakens the partnership between teacher and parent."

The article even later on goes on to say "there are two sides to every story" in defense of teachers. Well, in defense of children, there are two sides to every story. If I'm asking "is this true" it could be a way to trigger the child to fess up. In my house, infractions are punishable. Lying about infractions are even worse. "Is this true" is character building - allowing the child to own their mistakes as well as offer apology in front of said teacher. It also gives the child a voice if the whole story isn't painted. "Johnny is it true you punched Jimmy like your teacher said?" "Yes, mom, it's true and I'm sorry. However, Jimmy had punched me three times that the teacher didn't see and I was defending myself". Johnny is still in trouble for punching and would get grounded at my house, but at least everyone is then aware of the whole story and maybe the teacher can watch Jimmy a little better. Long rant short: "Is it true" does not correlate to "the teacher is a liar".

I find the article insulting to me as a a parent. My children have had wonderful teachers, and we have trusted them, appreciated them, listened to them, and loved them. Until we came across my seven year old's current teacher. She's disorganised, does not follow through on what she has told us she would do, and is not supporting our son to progress. She is unprofessional, and is continually taking days off. We turned up to our parent-teacher interview this week for which I had taken the day afternoon off work and driven an hour, only to find out that she wasn't there.

Teachers are human, but they are professionals paid to do a job. We support them by following their suggestions, reinforcing them etc, but it goes both ways.

I am also the daughter of a teacher. He is still remembered by many parents in the community as a great, respected teacher. Not once do I recall him having trouble with parents.

I'm a middle school teacher (on leave) and I completely agree with the article, parents are the biggest source of stress for all the reasons the author lists. But, I also have a 2.5 year old in preschool, and I'm getting a taste of the other side. My son's summer school (camp) teacher has some issues with his behavior, as did his regular school year teacher. I absolutely believe and support them, but the summer school teacher has a way of talking about him that makes me feel like she doesn't like him. It's amazing how much this makes me upset and defensive, in a way I swore, as a teacher, I never would be. It makes me wonder how many times I came across that way as a teacher myself. I will also tell you a dirty little secret about teachers, at least middle school and high school teachers. When kids chronically misbehave, we always assume it is somehow the parents' fault, either because they are permissive or their lifestyle contributes to the problem, etc. Now I worry my kids' teachers will think the same of me!

I have a lot of respect for teachers. My dad was a teacher, it's a hard job. This article has a lot of valid points. However it seems to spend a lot of time blaming parents and implying that teachers don't make mistakes too.

She kind of lost me with this quote "One of my biggest pet peeves is when I tell a mom something her son did and she turns, looks at him and asks, "Is that true?" Well, of course it's true. I just told you. And please don't ask whether a classmate can confirm what happened or whether another teacher might have been present. It only demeans teachers and weakens the partnership between teacher and parent."

I used to take the teacher's word for it, like she demands. However, Iearned the hard way that the teachers were relying on the word of other teachers, or kids, or parents when they were handing out consequences to MY kid. That's when I started asking my kid directly, because I found out the teachers (they worked in a pod) were making him a scapegoat. When pushed they admitted no, actually no one saw what happened, they were just taking another kid's word or worse assumed my kid did it because he was standing closest. Uh Uh, You expect me to respect you and you expect my kid to be honest but you're willing to take sides based on the word of another kid or flat out assumption? Nope, just lost my trust and respect.

I do not have rose colored glasses on where my kids are concerned, I know that they are capable of mischief and I hold them accountable when they mess up. I expect teachers to tell me when my kids mess up and I will work with them to hold my kids accountable. I will also get their side of the story first, because as their Mom I am their advocate first, then their judge & jury if warranted.

Excellent article, D.. Thanks for posting.

I tutored at-risk high school kids for awhile in the 70's, and in several cases, it was the parents' demands that their kids be handled as exceptions to the rules that gave those kids the "right" not to put out effort toward learning.

And I know a couple of bright, caring, motivated young teachers now who have become discouraged and are considering quitting the profession for exactly these kinds of reasons. It will be a loss to the kids who love them, but they are exhausted by the everyday battles they are confronted with. And, as TallyS mentions, it's a clear minority of parents who are causing the most distress.

I don't know whether there's a fix for these critical problems, other than one teacher at a time dealing with one parent at a time. I sometimes wish kids in high school were given parenting (and citizenship) classes as a matter of routine.

I know lots of teachers that gave up teaching because of the parents.

I know I would never become a teacher because of the parents.

I will never understand the reluctance of parents to trust their child's teachers. And I will never understand the extent to which parents involve themselves in every little aspect of classroom life. From O. extra point on a test to questioning every little remark/decision made by a teacher.
I have O. child--you'd think parents of an only, if anyone, would be that way, but I see SO much of it it's alarming.
The way I look at it, I'm satisfied with our district so I trust that the teachers decisions, methods, whatever will benefit my child. This is HIS academic experience, not mine. We help with homework, etc., but refuse to micromanage every detail of academia.
Good link!

In all my years of schooling, preschool through high school...I had ONE good teacher. The rest, I don't even think cared, wanted to be cool, worried more about socializing with other teachers, or took a freaking nap on their desk. Most just read straight from the book and took the tests straight from the book. Besides the one teaching, I never had anyone actually TEACH anything. (It got better in college, so I'm not counting higher education.) ONE. Out of 13 years of schooling, out of dozens of teachers.

I'm sure there are good teachers out there, but I can only base my opinions on my experiences. There is a reason why I'm homeschooling, and it's not because of other parents. Honestly, the article does nothing to change my opinion about our educational system and the teachers (many, not all) are a part of it.

My son was in a terrible class this year. If I were his teacher, I'd want to tell some parents, "Your child sucks, and so do you."

That's why I'm not a teacher. :)

I get that there are good and bad teachers, as there are high and low achievers in every industry. But I don't believe anyone enters into this profession expecting to make an easy living. I feel that most teachers want to make a difference in their students' lives. If they are not able to achieve the level of excellence that they initially hoped, I have no problem believing that the sheer grind of it - from dealing with the parents, school administrators, politicians, and students themselves - could wear anyone down.

As a parent, I do wish that it were easier to identify those who would be better suited to other occupations early on and to quickly give them other options. I also wish that schools were more open to collaboration with parents who want it. I feel a sense of having sold my and my children's souls to the school system since I have opted to enroll them in public education. It does sort of gall me that school officials act like they know better what's best for my children than I do when they can barely remember their names. But that's more on the administrative level.

As a parent who volunteered in my child's classroom this year, I totally sympathize with what our poor teacher had to deal with every single day. And I absolutely blame the parents of her worst behavior problems. The level of disrespect in some of these children shocked me until I met their parents.

I think this sort of follows the 80-20 rule (80% of the problems are caused by 20% of the parents). Unfortunately, that 20% of parents burn the teachers out.

My dd does get in trouble for talking sometimes, and I've never doubted the teacher.
There was another teacher who didn't follow up on some other kids' bullying behavior (I think she wanted to be well liked) and I brought up the issue at a conference (but I told her I just wanted to get an adult opinion on the situation). I rarely take things to a higher level...it usually just causes ill feelings and doesn't always solve the problem.

Good article.

As a parent, the main issue I have with teachers is that they are too busy to take time out for my child. I do not mean tutoring, as that is forced upon children in this state, which as I can see, it is nothing more than additional childcare, which I fought against it, since it is my job as a parent to help him if he is struggling with something.

I mean take time out to email/write/etc when something happens or he is doing poorly. Heck, even send home homework would be great. My son had very little homework in 4th and 5th grade, both were public schools in Texas. He had tons of homework in Kindergarten in SC.

He struggled in "reading" which is nothing more than reading short stories and picking the best answer, of which most have two correct answers, but one is more correct. The only answer the teachers had was for him to come in before school to get extra tutoring, but it did not include those stories that he had issues with, it was brand new stories, thus did not help out at all.

We tried to get the teachers to at least tell us what they were covering each week so that we as parents could make up homework and they did not want to give out that information!

As a military family, each state does things completely different, so the first year we spend getting our son caught up with what is required for that state, which most of it is just techniques.

I have been very disappointed with out Texas public schools are run and shocked at how little most parents care!

I have upset so many people at the school it is unreal and it is all because I asked questions. My son came home with a "5th grade fundraiser" with zero information on what they were rasing money for, so I threw it out, I didnt want popcorn anyhow. Two weeks later another was sent saying that if we hadnt sold $50 worth of popcorn that we now HAVE to sell/buy $150 worth of candy, again with no information on what they were raising money for. We went to the front office and even they could not tell me, which they took a teacher out of class to answer and let's just say that the teacher was rude and upset at having to answer a simple question as to what the 5th grade was raising money for and why it said "HAVE TO" .... (turns out it was for those that cannot afford the month long play time or as I see it cheap daycare during May...water park, tshirt, movies, etc...not remotely educational AND we had an option to pay as we went which ended up being FAR cheaper)

But back to the issue, school is for learning, not to drop off your child for someone to watch or for the teachers to make sure he learns. But I can say that the teachers here need to be allowed to assign homework or at the very least have a site so that we know what he will be going over ahead of time so that we can make up homework so that he can do well in school and remember what the teacher went over once.

Well, sadly, I have to agree with this. I decided this year not to go back to teaching preschool (other than substituting with two great teachers I've always wanted to work with for my own reasons).

Most parents ARE pretty good. But I'd have to say that there's one thing Clark did not address, which is that some parents are living in denial about either their children or the home situation. So, when discipline issues are addressed at school which parents choose 'not to see' at home, conflict and hurt feelings may arise. These are the parents who can't understand that their child needed to be disciplined or have a consequence because *they haven't been applying discipline or consequences this at home*. When families are out of balance and the child (and their feelings) rules the roost at home, it's hard for parents to have the objectivity necessary for sending their child out in the world to be cared for and educated by others. Getting that feedback challenges a perception they have of their child which they've created themselves as a coping mechanism for problems they haven't yet addressed, either stemming from their own childhood experiences or their current situation.

Sarah Lawrence Lightfoot's "The Essential Conversation" is a powerful book describing all of the emotional baggage that goes into parent/teacher conferences/interactions and how this can become the source of conflict between those two sets of adults. She does not claim any more 'rightness' on the side of either parent or teacher. I have seen this in my own son's class, a few incidents where the teacher was wanting to help a child grow to manage themselves better and to grow as a person, and it was the parent who held that child back by making excuses which I am SURE the parent felt were legitimate reasons for the lack of growth. Being in denial about one's own parenting challenges and about WHO their child is (esp. when the parents aren't around) really holds back progress. It's frustrating to deal with professionally and sad to observe.

I'm not saying their aren't bad teachers, either. I know there are. This was just to reflect on the challenge teachers face when working with families whose dysfunction/perceptions obfuscate reality and cause conflict.

I agree with most of the article, but with reservations, D.. As a substitute teacher, I don't have to deal with parents. Yeah me! I feel like I get the best of the job - the enjoyment of the students and spreading my wings getting to teach. I don't babysit the kids - I really teach the lessons. I'm honored that the teachers trust me to do that.

Where my reservations lie are with the bad teachers and the teachers who don't like a child's personality and take it out on them. I've seen that while working with teachers, and as a parent. In my own experience as a parent, I've had some wonderful teachers over my many years in the school systems with 2 kids. And I've had a couple of teachers who either shouldn't be in the profession, or they've been teaching too long. I've always been professional with them and worked with them. Sometimes, that's just not enough. Like it or not, I am supposed to be my children's advocate. It's my job when a teacher is being inappropriate.

It has not been my experience in ANY of the schools my children have attended that the worst teachers give the easiest grades, so I disagree with that part of the article. (Of course, none of the schools my kids have attended have been easy schools - we choose where we live based on the school systems.)

I do believe that the best thing that we can do as parents is support the teacher in front of our kids. And when a teacher is WRONG, we need to deal with it. There is not a hard and fast rule as to how to do this. It would be best to talk to the teacher first, but if that is a real problem or you know from experience that it won't do any good, then it's time to talk to the counselor and/or principal. I've only had to do that twice in my two kids' school careers. Both times, it was the entirely appropriate thing to do. In an earlier question about a teacher who could not handle a classroom, I recommended that the parent talk to the principal to get the teacher help in learning how to appropriately manage her classroom. (She was treating kinders like they were much older children, which means she doesn't know what she is doing.) A teacher on here fussed at me for recommending going over the teacher's head. All that does is allow a poor teacher to continue being a poor teacher. In any other profession, someone doing poorly comes to the attention of the boss. It should be that way with teachers as well. If I did a poor job substituting, you'd better believe my principals would talk to me. I would WANT them to so that I could learn to do better.

Overall, however, I believe that there are wonderful teachers who can make such a difference in kids' lives and help them look back with fondness over their school career. I love seeing my kids' teachers long after they've had them, giving hugs and catching up with their lives. My kids love that too.

This is awesome, thank you for sharing! And thank you for your hard work and dedication as a teacher!

D. thanks. I have tried and tried to tell the mamas on this board how most teachers think and what is said in the lounge about whiny parents. They refuse to hear it. As you can see most of the flowers given are to the mamas who disagree with this article...

My biggest parental problems were in the high income schools: "my child says that you are don't give them breaks in dance class", "my child says that she has to leave her water bottle at the door", "my child says that you are leaving next week for surgery--who will be the substitute?".

In the low income schools, there are no real parental problems unless the parent feels you have disrespected their child.

I agree with the article.