What Do You Think? - Yukon,OK

Updated on September 23, 2011
A.T. asks from Keokuk, IA
20 answers

Is it inapropriate for a woman to go out to lunch with a male friend?

I have read most of the responses and i see where you all are coming from So here is the rest of it DOES IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF THE GUY FRIEND IS GAY??? I didnt voice this at first bc i dont think it should influence the thought if it is inappropriate or not. Fact is he is male and that was the intent of if it would be inappropriate. I gave some back story as to let you see what is in my relationship to see if it influences your thoughts on having a male friend. EVERYONE seems to jump to conclusion if a married woman has a male friend outside of their marriage there is some sort of secret cheating or something going on. I never said I didnt tell my husband and i never said waht his response was. The reason for my posting is bc my friend thought it may be inapprpriate bc we dont hang out like we use to before my relationship BC of my relationship

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DO any of you have male friends out side of you sign other?

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answers from Dallas on

i wouldn't mind if they were gay. Would it be ok with me for my husband to go to lunch with a girl? I personally wouldn't like it even if she wasn't hot! I never get to see him why should another lady? My husband would have a fit but if he was gay, maybe not.

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answers from Chicago on

I personally think it's awkward to have male friends and see them 1:1 when you're married. I think it's fine to socialize with them and include them in activities as long as it inlcudes your husband. If you need friends I would reconnect or seek out female friends who have similiar interests and are in the same stage of life you're at. I think to maintain a healthy and trustworthy marriage that's what you need to do.

Saw your update.....No it isn't appropriate to catch up for lunch given your emmotional vulnerability right now. If you want to catch up for lunch take your hubby with you.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I think you need to make some girl friends. I wouldn't want my husband to go out with a woman, and he wouldn't want me going out with a guy. Check out www.MeetUp.com to try to find other women in your area. They are usually very friendly and very open to new friendships. I have a hard time making friends with women, because my own insecurities cause me to feel judged, but I have made some good friends from MeetUp.

ETA: Yes, I have male friends, but I don't hang out with them one-on-one, and I don't text them or call them all the time. If we want to spend time together, we make it a group event, with our spouses...even if my hubby complains a bit about going out with my friends...I do it for him too.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You ask us to stay on question but you sure give a lot of background into how unhappy and unsatisfying your marriage is, so how can we not comment on that?

The only male friends I have are the spouses of other couples my husband and I are both friends with, a few guys from high school that I only see/talk to on facebook and my gay "boyfriend" that I get together with once every couple of months.
Why don't you just invite this friend over for dinner, that way your husband could meet him too?
There's nothing wrong with having male friends but I am wondering why you don't have any girlfriends. I can't believe after five years of staying home you haven't connected or formed friendships with other moms. What about before you were married, and while you were dating your husband, didn't you have a circle of friends then? Do you no longer speak to any of them?

I think you are very lonely and need to get out and meet some other WOMEN. I can't imagine not having the girlfriends that I have in my life, they make me laugh, let me cry and give me strength!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Orlando on

I don't think it's inappropriate to have lunch with a male friend. I do think it's inappropriate if you have to lie to your husband about it. I didn't read any other responses but he sounds super controlling if you can't even have any friends.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Roanoke on

I agree with the previous responses. It sounds like you're in a rut with your husband, but seeking out attention/friendship with the other guy isn't the answer right now, even if you say you're just acquaintances. Whether or not you look at the other guy romantically, the way it might look to your husband is not ideal (and vice versa if the situation was opposite). My advice is to put your energy into your marriage and communicate with your husband to improve your relationship. There's nothing wrong with craving friendship to have someone to talk to, but you have to consider your husband too. Do I have male friends? Yes, but only if my husband is involved also, because my husband is a part of ME.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Redding on

Since your husband isnt an attentive one, he will not like you going out with a guy friend unless he just plain doesnt give a sh*t. That's my opinion.
You would be too vulnerable to a male's attentions since you lack it at home.
He SHOULD be feeling very insecure. Shame on him.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Eh.....it's iffy ground because your marriage sucks. If you were happily married and your husband didn't care about this and you were being open with him, that would be one thing. But that's NOT your situation. I think that you're sticking your toe into dangerous waters. "Screw him I'll do what I want" is not a very safe thought in marriage (and I would know, I think it all the time and my marriage is lousy).

Why not get some girlfriends? We all need friends but having them be of the same gender avoids issues of like this. Yes you have a right to a social life, but you can do it without alienating your husband.

Do I have guy friends? Yes, but they have wives and kids with whom I am also friends and they are "family friends" and not just my friends. Usually if we get together, it's part of a group and not at all awkward. My high school boyfriend and I are also friends but my husband takes issue with that, so we keep to FB and the occasional phone call but don't see each other alone and I think that's fair.

There is nothing inherently wrong with having friends of the opposite gender but it your situation, I think you're playing with fire because you are unhappy and resentful. It doesn't take much to go from friends to more than friends when you are feeling taken for granted and unfulfilled and magically, someone else seems to value you in all the ways your husband does not.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

It is inappropriate if you are writing this post. Your husband doesn't sound like he's a very attentive and loving husband. From what I gather, you are in a rut with this marriage and need to find some outlet to make you feel good. This friend happens to be that outlet. Honestly, from what you wrote, your marriage sounds more like the two of you are roommates, not spouses. When you separated those times from your husband, did the two of you ever get those issues that separated you two resolved? I think if you want your marriage to change, you need to find a marriage counselor.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

Funny how people speak of friends as men or women.

I have friends. All kinds, from all sorts of places I have worked volunteered and met through other friends. My husband is the same. There is not 1 time I have been concerned about his friendships because I trust him. He is a good man. He is smarter than the any women that may want to tempt him.

I have actually watched women flirt with him, but he is very intelligent and cut them short and explained he loves me. He dropped those people out of his life at that moment. Same has happened to me. I love my husband and do not need the drama.

From being here on mamapedia I feel like there are different mind sets..

Some people are not jealous, because they are secure in their relationships and are mature and do not have drama in their lives. Many have been married for a long time and just love their spouses.

Then there are those that maybe have been taught by their Religious beliefs that only women can be friends with women and men can only be friends with men. That there is some sort of temptation that a person cannot control, so do not chance it.

Then there are those that are in relationships that their spouse or significant other abused their trust so they do not trust anymore. Or they are products of marriages, where a parent was in a relationship where this has happened. (I am a child of this, but my father was an alcoholic and I have dealt with this issue too) This has now shaped this person to not trust others or to worry about themselves or their spouses.

If you are secure about yourself, secure about your husband. Then there should not be a problem. But it sends up red flags to me when I hear that 1 spouse just cannot allow their spouse to have their own friends. You have a right to pick your friends and your husband is allowed to voice his opinion, but in the end it is your choice.. Same goes for him..

The 2 of you have different expectations and this is a pretty major one in my life. I would go to marriage counseling because this sounds like a trust issue. You trust and he does not. Hard to have an open marriage with that going on. Especially for the rest of your life.

Your life is worth being able to have friends.. A lifetime is a very long time. It can be filled with all sorts of people, or only the people your husband says you can have.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I don't think it's inappropriate however I am not your husband what will he think?? Are you okay with him being friends with a woman and meeting her for lunch? Honestly ask yourself that question. My hubby and I live by the following motto if there is something that he or I don't feel good about then it is the other's job to make them feel better about it. If you can make your husband feel okay with it then go ahead but if not then I wouldn't. I would be really ticked off if I told me hubby something bothered me and he still went right along and did it.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

A friend is a friend ... if you are hiding it from your hubby then there is a problem to me.
Yes, I have friends of the opposite sex ... and I will say it again ... A friend is a friend ... if you are hiding it from your hubby then there is a problem to me.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I have male friends outside of my marriage - I meet them for lunch and dinner and we don't have hanky-panky going on...

Sounds like your husband is a jerk - sorry - but that's the best way to put it - self-centered, total control freak - jerk...ANY MAN who told me I can't have friends can kiss my lily white behind!!! Don't let the door hit you on the way out...

If he's not involved in the marriage, kids or home - why even bother being married to him and holding your life and kids back? this is the example you are setting for your kids and marriage... please understand I do NOT want to see marriages break up - however, if one is absent, doesn't participate and controls who you can and cannot see? dudette? gone!!

YOU GO GIRL!!! Get your friends back!! Get yourself back!!!


answers from Chicago on

Well what's ok for my significant other and I might not be ok for you two.

I have male friends but only two that I'm close enough to that I would do things with them like lunch, shop, etc. And they're both gay.

There is no jealousy or mistrust between my significant other and I so either of us would be ok with the other having a friend of the opposite sex. Doesn't sound like that's the case in your relationship. You and your hubby sound like you're on very shaky grounds as it is. If I were you I wouldn't add anything more to upset the balance.


answers from Los Angeles on

It's ok in my relationship to have friends of the opposite sex...and yes even hang out one on one.
The thing is we don't hide it and we often invite spouses along.
One of my best friends is a guy. We spent a lot of alone time together. We worked together, our desks were right next to each other for 6 years.
My guy and my male friend are also friendly (it was important for me to introduce my guy to all of my friends). So they now talk on their own too.
I would expect the same consideration if my guy had female friends, but none of the female friends he has are close. Thats just how it works in my relationship.
So do I think its inappropriate to meet up with a friend (male or female) to catch up....only if you mention it to your husband and it causes a problem, or if you don't WANT to mention it to your husband. I could call my guy and tell him I am meeting up with "joe" and he would tell me to say hi for him.
Good Luck!



answers from Philadelphia on

I had a male friend from graduate school that I occasionally went out to lunch with. The day my husband told me it made him uncomfortable was the day I told my friend I did not want to go to lunch. My husband never said not to go. He just wouldn't do that but since he is the most important person to me how could I ever make him feel uncomfortable. If your husband does not care than go and have fun. Just be careful you don't start looking to fullfill a need that is not being met by your husband.
At one point in my marriage I told my husband I really needed a boyfriend. I told him I would really like it to be him. Luckily he took me seriously and things have never been better.

I had lots of male friends before I was married. They all came to my wedding. Once I got married and they got married, kids came along and circumstances changed etc. I haven't seen tthem in years but I am friends with some of them on facebook.


answers from Kansas City on

if you have to ask then you know it is NOT. you are obviously not happy in your marraige and are thinking of any and all excuses you can to make this okay. if all you wanted was people to tell you it was okay then you are on the wrong forum, we are all very opinionated. I think you are just looking for a replacement for you hubby who you arent happy with anymore. it doesnt matter what any of us say, you are going to do what you want regardless, you just want some validation.



answers from Los Angeles on

I would feel very uncomfortable if my husband did this with old 'girl' friends, and I would not do it with male friends because it seems slightly wrong. Your marriage doesn't sound healthy and this would probably put more strain on it. I agree with ReverendRuby about your husband's depression.

Make a friend out of your husband.

Edit: hang on, I just finished my answer then looked up to see the question. Has it changed completely? And yes, I do think it makes a difference if the friend is gay.



answers from San Francisco on

You need girlfriends not anymore manfriends

THe guys I hang out with have wives and we all go out together or meet up at eachother's homes for fun..but all together. We even all vacation together as families or as couples. It is alot of fun.

You are not happy in your marriage..your husband sounds like he has withdrawn from you and the kids. Don't look for companionship in these male friends.

Really...get some girlfriends and go out on occasion. I too find it easier to be pals with guys and had many of them before marriage. But, I believe it is inappropriate to be alone with a man in "date" like settings. Sooo, put your energy into finding some gal pals and work on "dating" your husband. Don't let him make excuses or stay entranced with his technological "friends".(phone,ipad,wii) It is not a healthy path you two are on. You seem to be living separate lives while living in the same house. I would be bored out of my mind and unhappy if I were living that way...and feel trapped if my hubby did not allow me out.

Set up some dates out together. Don't let him make excuses that it is not part of his personality..it is important to you and he should make efforts to make you happy...and to nurture your relationship.

Good luck and best wishes!



answers from Los Angeles on

If you were good friends and want to catch up, ask your hubby if he minds. If he does mind, then respect his wishes. He's your husband. He has the right to be uncomfortable with you hanging one on one with another of the opposite sex. My husband always took me along if he had a female friend asking him to lunch. He's part of a twosome now and he knows it. If your hubby doesn't mind, then go ahead. If your friend wants to meet AGAIN one on one, however, I think thats where you start heading into inappropriate territory. Intimate friendships w/ the opposite sex is just asking for trouble. Inevitably your husband will annoy you or bore you or whatever and this "friend" will seem a lot more interesting, exciting, etc. b/c you don't know him as well as you knwo your husband. That sucks that you don't have girl friends but it's time to make some! Go to some mommy and me groups! I'm sure you'll realize you have a lot more in common with other moms than single men.

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