What Are Deal Breakers in a Relationship?

Well if you are talking about being boyfriend and girlfriend then that's ok.
But if you are married, then no.

Yes. He will never change and you will become more frustrated and resentful. Go now while the opportunity exists.

I think it is important to consider the kind of relationship you are in. If you are girlfriend and boyfriend then it could be handled differently then if you were married. I think that there are different levels of being dirty. I have a million other things on my mind and I have a few things lying around. Never do I get to the point of being filthy though. I think that if someone leaves banana peels, beer cans, 3 day old dirty dishes in the front room etc. it does show a lack of care and pride. If I was going with a person like this then I would have to say adios. If I was married to a person like this then I would raise complete hell.

All people are different, thank goodness, but there are some personalities that just find it very difficulty to do the mundane. Such as household cleanliness. If he is a stand up person in all other ways, meaning he works and supports the family, he treats you with respect, he participates in the family other than cleaning, then i would have a one on one with him & let him know that these are your expectations for the house & what you need to function. Ask him if he is able to step it up and if he's not, then is he willing to pay for a maid to do his share. Now with that said, i must ask whether your house cleaning expectations are "normal" or borderline OCD. Nobody can truly answer that, but you. If he is a stand up guy & your expectations are normal, then he should have no problem with either stepping it up or hiring someone to do so on his behalf. My normal is vacuuming once a week, sometimes 2. Dishes once a day. Sweeping every other. Laundry once a week. Bathrooms once a week. Kids rooms every other day. My sister who is borderline OCD - vacuum once a day along with dishes after each meal, sweeping 2-3 times a day, bathrooms once a day or more if she knows anyone had a bowel movement. Rooms daily. Windows once a week. etc... So slob is subjective is my point. To my sister, I'm a slob. To most of my friends, I'm a neat freak.

A friend of mine had a trick that she used to get her husband to stop leaving things around the house. He had a really nice car that he kept really clean and really took a lot of pride in, much more so than the house, so whenever he left anything of his where it shouldn't be, then she would put that item in his car. I think after finding enough dirty underwear, dirty plates, wadded up receipts and the like, he finally got the message and started being less of a slob at home.

Another thing you may want to consider is develop some kind of weekly schedule or checklist of the things that need to get done on a daily or weekly basis for you and your partner to use as a guide on what needs to get done and assign chores if you think that will work for you. Maybe your partner needs a visual reminder of what he is supposed to do or maybe he needs to be told specifically what is expected of him.

And then, if you have the money, definitely think about hiring a housecleaner to come in once every week or once every two weeks.

Lastly, I guess the deal breaker is whatever you decide it could be. If you have children together, the I really do think think you have to pick and chose what you will and won't put up with a lot more care and concern. Personally, I wouldn't break up with some one because he's a slob because I chose to marry the slob and I married the person, not his housekeeping skills. But that's just me. . .

My husband is not the neatest person in the world. but he is a great father, a hard worker and always make sure we have what we need. And he spoils us, so I keep him around.LOL

Deal breakers are different for each person and if you feel so strongly about a clean house then maybe it can be a deal breaker. But, you have to ask yourself if this is really the issue at heart...maybe it is, but maybe you're using this because of deeper issues. Or do you feel that because this person keeps a messy house they are irresponsible, lazy, etc...which is a bigger deal breaker than someone who is just messy. I would figure out which of those the real issue is, but bottom line, whatever the issue, if it bothers you that much, then it's a deal breaker.

If the person is a loving caring hard working honest person who respects me and our children, then to me, no, it is not deal breaker..

But this is a personal opinion.

Every marriage is a give and take. know I am not perfect and my husband puts up with my nagging, whining, loud, opinionated, bossy personality, so I have to be careful about what I say is a deal breaker. He loves me just the way I am.. So I give him the same back..

If he is a keeper in all ways but the sloppiness.........I'd suggest hiring a housekeeper.

I personally do not think 'living like a slob' is a deal breaker, as everyone has different tolerance levels for orderliness.

You will never find a perfect mate when it comes to cleanliness.

There will always be areas that cause concern when it is time to share space.

With that said, the deal breaker part is in how you both compromise. Can he have one area of a room where he 'throws' his things. Can you make one part of the house that is perfect for you and he doesn't mess up? If neither party is open to compromise, and neither has an open heart about understanding what the other needs, then you have a deal breaker.

I say this from A LOT of experience, as my husband and I do not share space well. He would, and has, turned the living room into a garage at times. And I feel like his mother asking him to put it away. But I do....and he does.

The best marriage saving tip for us: I found a mover whom I really trust and hire them when my husband is out of town to move my furniture. Otherwise, my husband and I just argue and argue about where things should be placed. And it really ticks me off that he is not more compliant with letting go and letting me set up the house. When he comes home and it's all done, he always likes it. And it takes the movers only a couple of hours to do this. And if I ask a couple of more inches that way, the movers do it willingly.

So if you really love this man, sharing space can be worked out with or without him.

Anything that seriously bothers you is a deal breaker. Deal breakers are personal, there are no general ones, except maybe the deadly ones (like psychopaths or drug addicts). I would not want to have a man that would not hold my hand in public.

Have you made a list of what you don't want so that you can know what you do want? Make a list, 2 columns. One side, state what you DO NOT want, then rephrase it in the 2nd column as what you DO want. Then fold it in half and concentrate on what you do want and look for that. Do not settle, see men that come close to that list as you getting closer and closer to what you want.

Also,don't count on changing anyone, that is not your job. They did their job of getting you to recognise what you do and don't want. Let them go and move on to the better choice waiting for you to let go of the old one.

What you want is important, don't ever let it take a backseat. If you are not happy then you cannot participate in any else's happiness.

Peace

of course it can be a deal breaker. Anything can be. It is up to you to know what you can live with and what you can't live with. If you have lots of money you can hire a housekeeper to keep up with the slob and then maybe it wouldn't be a dealbreaker, but that is not usually a the case. Someone who is a slob is someone that has something a little wrong with them. You may want to try to find out the reason they are like this. Is it, they are too overwhelmed to clean, do they just not care, does it stress then out, is he or she a hoarder? If this is something you can't live with then yes, definitely a deal breaker.

Some really neat insight here M.. This site is a wealth of not only information but also support. I love Jennifer's and Laurie's problem-solving and I too help client's put a limit on their "mess" (not only physical but emotional mess --smile). More importantly for me is to figure out the method to his madness so to speak. How did he get like this and why? It may be a control issue -- when we feel out of control about any aspect of our lives, we tend to want to control other parts. He may feel out of control about something, perhaps even from something long ago, and then react to it in leaving things untidy.

When it comes to deal-breakers, Tori and Nkechi framed it well; anything can be. Of course, if he knows how serious this is for you and still continues, he is sending us a message. I just want him to clearly understand what it is and how much it affects you. S. A. K., MFT

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/Chino-CA/S.-A-K...

There are lots of different kinds of messiness, all the way from creative-and-I-must-have-stuff-around to poor-mental-or-physical-health to don't-give-a-**** to passive-aggressive types trying to make a point or get even. It could be a reason to break up if the partner can't accept or tolerate it. If the partners are married, it might be worth looking at the deep structure first.

Just remember when you are in a relationship, the longer you are in one, the more things get magnified. So if there is a habit, or behavoir that drives you a little nuts right now, just a wait a few years when the passion has slowed in the relationship it will be one of the many things you will then regret not paying attention to. Make sure you really love almost all things about the current person and aren't questioning the rest. If you are questioning it, it's a deal breaker. I for instance didn't pay enough attention to certain qualities and now they are "breaking me".

If it is that important to you, find someone neat to fall in love with. Remember you cannot change someone. If you fall in love with a slob it will be a life long battle. While people can learn some new habits, changing basic nature is next to impossible.

deal breaker!
best, k

This is a very personal question. To me, neatness and cleanliness is paramount, but to my co-worker, whose office looks like it was hit by a tornado, it isn't, and her boyfriend seems to be the same way as his car has been turned into a mobile storage closet. It depends on how you were brought up and what is meaningful to you, which is why I say it's something very personal. I married and lived with a slob for over a year, thinking he needed "a woman's touch" because all male bachelors tend to be messy as no one is around to ask them to clean up/help them clean up. Stupid mistake. We lived with boxes and critters for a year, while I was pregnant having to bend down and trying to clean up. I was miserable, cried, and could not stand it. Nothing, not even seeing me bend with my huge belly, pleading and tearful moved him to help clean up. People don't change and I learned that the hard way. Now I have a phobia of living with others as I feel they will destroy my clean, neat home I work so hard to maintain in perfect order. Like someone else said, if it's minor things like getting socks off the floor and into a hamper, it's no big deal, I can do it, but once you turn my dining table into a tool shed, and my living room into a box storage of personal items, there will be trouble, and lots of it.

If you can live in a gross mess its not a deal breaker, if you can not. Its a deal breaker. For me pride is huge in ones self. If someone can live without self pride then how do they live day to day. Pride follows you into money matters, caring for others....I mean if you do not like this mess and he does not care it is a concern that things will not get better. Self Pride is an indication on how you will raise a family. How you will deal with each other. I wish you luck!

Yes. For me, it is. I made a list of about 200 things I wanted in a spouse and was unwilling to waiver or compromise on about 198 of them. I think that being a slob does move into other areas of their life. If they can't clean up after themselves and respect their things, it's a sing of laziness and then what happens 10 years down the road when planning a date or watching the kids is too difficult?

My husband hit everything on my list of needs, starting with honesty, sense of humor and integrity to amazing sex, great with kids, spiritual, etc. He was EVERYTHING except that he was taller than I wanted and skinnier than I wanted, but if that's the only things he wasn't on my list, I compromised. ;)

Select. Never settle.

it depends. does this person leave dirty socks on the floor? are they cluttery? or do you have roaches and ants crawling all over the house, etc.? i don't see why you can't live with the first. clutter can be aggravating but can be dealt with. bugs and stuff. that's gross.

It is really what can you tolerate. Also how are the other areas of your life together. If he doesn't want to "clean up" - can he afford a housekeeper or someone to come 2-3 times a week to help maintain a clean environment for you?

This is what comes to mind. I know how you feel of wanting to have a clean environment.

Blessings,

A.

It varies from person to person and couple to couple. Early on in our dating days, I told my boyfriend (now husband) that I considered smoking to be a reason that would cause me to seek a divorce. He agreed (and still agrees) with me. We've seen too many friends and relatives drop dead over the years because of it.

No. Not if that is the only bad quality! When did we start looking at peoples minor bad qualities and juding them based on that one thing and not accepting them for their differences. Maybe he has a strength in an area where you have a weekness. No one is perfect. Perhaps you can teach him to be more organized and maybe he can teach you something in area whre you can grow. I taught my messy husband how simple organizational tools can help him keep neat and has taught me (a controling neat freak) to stop and enjoy life more. My saturdays used to be spent cleaning. Now at least twice a month I have fun on saturdays. He taught me that when I look back on my life - or my kids look back on their life with me, I dont want to say - I sure am glad I had a clean house. I want to say I spent some time making wonderful memories with my family. Hope you can find a way to see through it but bottom line is you have to do whats right for you.

If you are planning on having kids in the future.. you have to keep in mind that a messy house is a dangerous house for a young child. You have to look at every situation that it could be a problem. good luck.

;

Definitely a deal breaker. Cleanliness is next to godliness, so ummm...that speaks for itself.

Yes. It can be a deal breaker.

Note: please be sure that this is not a sign of derpession or some other type of obsessive disorder.

He will NOT CHANGE. Don't ever expect that he will, or that he'll love you enough to change for you. You need to learn to accept him as he is, or break it off.