Waht to Do When Mom Says "No" to Father's Day

Wow, to be honest I am not really sure how to even respond to this, but for some reason I just felt I had to. I am so sorry for you guys and the boys. What a hard situation. I have two boys and I guess that is why I felt the need to respond. Those boys need their Father and need to be able to respect and admire him. They are old enough that you should just ask them what they want to do for their father. If they wanted to get their father something, then they should have been allowed to. If the mother didn't order or command them NOT to get him something, then I am not sure I would consider it disobeying her. Those boys love their father and should honor him. I think you are doing a great service to them by being the "bigger" parent and setting the example of not bad mouthing and always contradicting what their mother says. This will speak volumes to those boys in the long run. With that said though, you should not allow her comments to go unanswered all the time either. When they tell you things, they are looking for a response. Explain that they can disagree with what someone else thinks. Tell them what YOU think of him and show them the two sides and ask how they feel. Have your husband, their father, talk to them about people saying mean things when they are mad or feel like they have been hurt, but that they don't have to believe it or feel the same way. How do they feel about her living with another woman? That must be confusing to them. I can't imagine how hard this is on them. You are right to be concerned and you are right to try and find ways to reinforce the appropriate behavior. They need a strong and mature example of what a man should be and what a marriage should be and how we should treat others no matter how they are acting. May God bless you and your efforts.

It sounds to me that you're handling this and the hurts in it pretty well. You are right about kids seeing controversy between their bio-parents and that it hurts them. You are also right to notice when their mom's behaviors and dictates hurt the kids.

The key is to acknowledge the kids' love for their dad and for you in all of this. The love is the biggest gift their could ever be, and perhaps a special Father's Day hug is the best gift of all.

As adults, this issue isn't too hard. You just prevent the kids from being hurt. There are many many homes in which the absentee parent doesn't acknowledge the children's birthdays, or give Christmas gifts. . . . be thankful you are in a position to highlight the love you share, and that money and gifts don't do anything to alter that. You can also help save face by having the "ours" children provide fathers' day gifts when the bio kids who aren't allowed to give are not present. As far as I'm concerned, Children are gift enough, without them having to give gifts, too. :-)

Just because "mom" doesn't want to pay for a gift for a man she doesn't love, doesn't mean he doesn't get any gifts. It just means that you would have to give the kids' some money if you want to have them give your husband a fathers' day gift. We aren't really huge on gifts in our household -- at least not for mom and dad, really, because gifts are just things. If "mom" doesn't want the boys to give their dad gifts, can they still visit on special occassions? Maybe the better course of activity is to say, No gifts? that's okay. What we're going to do instead, is to EXPERIENCE father's day. We are going to go and DO something for fathers' day. Got to a ballgame, or on a picnic, or simply DO something special that makes the day a great one for everyone. It is a gift to everybody -- a memory to enjoy -- and it takes the sting of not being able to bring a gift out of the kids' lives.

There are going to be many many times that "mom" says something or commands a certain behavior that is going to leave you two high and dry, and possibly at a real disadvantage with the kids. On those days, you are going to hae to take a step back from your own emotions, and really listen to theirs. Make sure that they know that sometimes we don't understand why other people say what they say, act the way the do, but we can still care about them. We can only control our own behavior, not that other person's, and when "mom" does or says something hurtful to or about Dad and you, then you need to remind the kids that no matter what she says/does, that Dad still loves them, and nothing can take that away. He won't withdraw his love if he doesn't get a fathers' day gift, or if she doesn't let them see him, he will always love them, and always be glad to see them. Focus on the positive things in your relationship with the kids and with you, and celebrate those. Let them know THEY are accepted and loved regardless of the constraints she puts on the relationships. In the end, that will be rewarded, because as they grow up, they will know they are loved and welcomed by your household and they will want to return to you to visit as adults. :-) And when they call and say, "Can I come to visit?" as adults, that they CHOOSE to remain tied to you, THAT's what it's all about !!

She can't really dictate what you do at your house. Why not have them make a craft or card for their dad if they want to while they are there for a visit. You can ask them if they would like to make something for their dad, and if they say yes just go for it. This is what I do with my boyfriends kids. His ex is the same way so I try to have them do things for their dad or go shopping and buy something, when they are with us. That way the children don't feel bad for not getting dad anything, but also don't feel like they are disobeying mom.

First off... wow i feel for you in so many ways. I too am a Step-mom and i know first hand how bitterness can cause many problems. The idea that she can be so vengeful is just unfathomable. Those kids deserve a positive life style at both homes regardless. I would refrain from saying anything negative about her because that brings you to her "level". Obviously she has an issue with something ...maybe not your husband per say. Explain to the kids that all birthdays and holidays that involve their dad will be something special that you all do together. This will keep them from feeling bad about anything, like not getting him gifts and it will also give you all a chance to bond. I have found that stepping up and being the better person is all that matters. The kids will see their mom for who she really is and will respect you for always being someone they can count on. Bottom line... she has issues and at some pint her house of cards will come falling down on her. As far as answering the boys i would just tell them that things at your house are different than things at their mom's house. Explain that you all love them very much and that if they want to do special things for their dad all they have to do is ask you. Good luck with all of it. You deserve a lot of credit for all that you do because being a step-mom is really hard and can be extremely frustrating.

I have walked a mile in your shoes. Let the kids know that it is not the gift that matters but how they feel about their dad. That they can make him a draweing or just give him a hug and that is enough. As for his ex don't ever open a discussion on what she is doing wrong with a barrage of the same bitterness towards her it will do you no good and only further confuse the kids even more.

And if you so feel when they are with you take them to the store and let them shop for dad or each other depending what the occaision is. And most of all pray for the end of the pawn game and don't ever use the children as a pawn as it seems she is clearly doing.

i wouldnt feed into it and arrange fathers day at your place and you help them with the gifts..doing that will teach them the kindness they need for life..as the kids grow i found they know who was wrong

I was going to suggest the same thing as Denise. Rather than focusing on gift-giving, plan a special day together - movie, museum, day at a park, etc - whatever you enjoy doing together. You could serve breakfast in bed or put on a play for him. When you sit down to dinner have everyone tell what they love about Dad, a funny story about Dad, something they enjoyed doing with Dad.

If I were in the same situation I would be inclined to tell the kids that while presents are nice, being together and doing something special is a great way to celebrate a day like father's day, so that is what you are going to do. Take pictures and start a scrapbook. Maybe you could ask them if they were allowed to give presents what they would want to give, then at some later point in time take them out it buy it to give to him.

If this continues I would have to say something to her and let her know how it is affecting the children. Or is there anyone who is friendly with both sides (his or her parent, a friend) who also feels she is being unreasonable that would be in a position to talk to her about it so that it isn't coming from you or your husband? She may be more willing to listen to a "neutral" person. What an unfortunate situation.

Good luck to you!

Well, I am not a step-mother, but my sister is to 3 girls. It was difficult for them too.
I would just encourage them to think for themselves. When they say that their mom doesn't want them to get their father anything, ask them what they think, how it makes them feel, how would it make daddy feel. (I would do the same questioning when you or your husband tell them something, so that you're not only questioning their mother.) Maybe you could make something with them, even if it was just breakfast in bed, or a pamper day (get his slippers, the remote, newspaper...)
My sister and brother-in-law try to never say anything negative about their mother in front of the girls. When the children say something, they try to respond as if it were anyone else. "Oh I'm sure she loved it!" "That must make her smile!" If it is something negative, they sometimes don't say anything, because there is nothing to say. Or they ask what they think about the situation or the comment.
The best thing is to lead by example. My sister-in-law (step-mom to two boys) did this and when her one step-son was old enough to decide for himself, he stayed with her and her husband and rarely goes to his mom's, even on the weekends he is suppose to. The children will figure it out for themselves. They will respond to the environment that is nurturing and loving.

best of luck!
B.

S.,
This is such a sad situation. It's a shame that people do not realize the position that divorce thrusts kids into--not by their own choice, then to have O. of the parents ACTIVELY making things worse is a true travesty.
If I were in your shoes, I would continue to ignore the mother's hurtful actions/words as much as possible. What a dolt! Doesn't she realize that the people she is really hurting the most are her own flesh and blood, NOT her ex-husband? In the Father's Day situation, I would plan a nice family activity to share on that day--take the focus off of "giving gift" and put the focus on to quality time spent with the kids. After all, isn't that the nest part of any holiday? :)
Is this woman reasonable enough to have a discussion with? After all, if you & your husband are accepting of her lifestyle, providing financial support and NOT saying anyting negative about her and her partner, I think it's reasonable to expect the same acceptance in return. My parents were divorced, and even though he deserved it, my mother NEVER said a negative word about my dad and it was a true gift. Kids, when they are old enough, form their own opinions about their parents (good or bad) when they have the maturity to do so. You can help your kids form a positive, accepting opinion of your husband by not being sucked into these childish games yourselves.
Good luck & God Bless!

Wow.. Those are some good responses. I would keep a written record of the negative things that she is saying to the kids. Perhaps, at some point, you and your husband could sit down w/ her to discuss them in a calm manner, and maybe come to a resolution. If the negative comments don't stop, then you may need to speak to your lawyer who can help. I know a couple of divorced people who had this problem addressed in their custody agreements. Neither parties were permitted by court order to say negative things in front of the kids. Good Luck!

You can't do much about what is said and goes on at their mother's house - it happens all the time. Just make the time at your house a positive one, and as the children get older they will see for themselves. The children may have told you about fathers day because they wanted to get him something - you could always take them to the dollar store to do their own shopping - pick out a present - kids love to do that.Their mother may not have wanted to spend the money - did you take the children out to buy her a mother's day present? It's a tough situation, and remember the kids could also make him a present or card also. Good Luck in the future.

All you can do is keep a positive attitude in your your home, when they are in your care. One of the replies here stated to get a councilor & legal guardian for your step sons. I would do this immediately, how your step-sons view themselves is how they feel about their parents. If one parent teaches their children to grow up hating the other parent, those children will grow up hating themselves. Thus more likely to commit suicide later on. That is why in a lot of court orders that there is not allowed any negative talking in front of the child about the other parent. Taking the step children in this route gives evidence of professionals, which is taken much more seriously than friends & relatives. Now if you have the professionals, 3rd party witnesses ...friends & relatives who viewed/heard things, & your own documentation of incidents..then you should have a sure fired way (think of loopholes) to ensure the children's emotional safety. Your husband then would have an armload to be able to turn over to his lawyer, who then should be able to accomplish something. Be mindful, not to talk about your step son's mom's choice of lifestyle/partner in a negative light. Times are changing, and the courts seem to support this lifestyle choice & courts no longer consider it damaging or negative to a child in any way. BUT if this goes against the RELIGIOUS upbringing that the children have known so far, it would go against the children's known religious background (religious freedom) to live in that type of environment. BUT the children have had to be active in their faith with both parents. Proving that both parents agreed to this lifestyle choice of religion & where raising their children in it. Just because the mom decided to turn her back on everything, does not mean she has the same right to force her children now to believe as she does. As far as the Father's Day issue goes, do not make a big deal about the gift for their Dad. Do a cook out, picnic..or some surprize that you all do together to surprize their Dad. Make it a memorable occasion. We call Father's Day in our family, Daddy's Day. Being a Daddy is much more important than being a FATHER. Any man can be a Father, but it takes a special man to be a Daddy. I do not force any activity on my children & it is their choice to participate. What we do is try to make the whole day as special as we can. Breakfast in bed, kids get slippers or shoes/newspaper, anything & everything to make the day special..including getting away for the day in what the whole family enjoys doing that does not cost money to do. Money cannot buy love & it is freely given ..those ties & memories will never be broken. Hope this helps..

S.,

My sister went through a similar situation but it just wasn't father's day, it was every time she had the kids. She finally got the kids a counselor and law guardian. Both of hers were great with the kids. The counselor and law guardian were able to find out what was going on and access the situation where they were living.

As for when the kids are at your house, show them what you do. Celebrate Father's Day with them or any other day that you deem necessary. Have a picnic or cookout with them and let them know that the best father's day your husband could have is one that they could spend with him. To celebrate doesn't always mean that you have to buy a gift for him, thye could also make him something ie. a picture or a card. One thing that I learned through the ordeal with my sister was not to make them choose between parents - which it seems that the mother is doing. Keep giving them all the support that they need and they will know what happens at each house without to much confusion. Also be the bigger person and not talk bad about their mother in front of them.

First, you should explain to the children about the mothers behavior, than she is just upset right now.....

You need to go to whoever is your lawyer or the court and tell them what is going on....the Mother should not be saying those negetive things to her children, that will just land them in the office of a counsoler. Keep track of what they come back saying that their mother is telling them...like a journal.