Vetting a Therapist

Hmm, honestly, do you think your husband could be right?

People who have a hard time with therapists and therapy in general are people who aren't willing to take a good hard look at their own shortcomings. They tend to use excuses like "she's not listening, that's not what I meant, she's turning my words around, etc" If you can't find a therapist after three or four times then it's time to admit the problem really might be YOU.

If you want someone to be fair and sympathetic, and just agree that it's not me it's him, then get together with a girlfriend. If you want someone to really help you make changes in your life, get a therapist. And be prepared for the tears and pain the truth can bring, it's not for the weak.

ouchers!

I would let her read this forum. Tell her your fears, your concerns, & your past experiences + your husband's words.

When you put it all together, they all may be right.....:) #1 didn't agree with you....#2 yelled at you & told you to listen.....& your husband said you wanted someone on "your" side.

Please listen to their words....they're all telling you the same thing. (sigh)

I wish you Peace & Happiness....& kudos to you for trying to make your life better.

Is your husband saying this to you with a sense of humor? Or is he perturbed at you for putting him through this again?

I don't know that you are going to get what you want, regardless of what therapist you choose, if you aren't willing to hear both sides - yours and your husband's. I've never been to a therapist, and I certainly don't blame you for not liking to be yelled at, (and I wouldn't put up with that from someone I'm paying either), but perhaps you do need to listen when you are there. Your husband deserves consideration too.

I would tell this person tonight exactly what you said here. That way you are putting your cards on the table. I cannot see a reason why you wouldn't.

Dawn

Our first therapist was a recommendation and it was a total flop. We couldn't have been more different nor had more different attitudes. We might as well have been speaking three different languages. The next one was also a recommnedation but this time from a close family member. During the first visit I took the bull by the horns. I told her our issues with the last one and told her neither of us was seeking vindication. Based on her smile and reply, I knew we'd found the right therapist. She worked wonders for both of us. I think it is hard to find a good match so it might take a few tries. Good luck.

I tend to give TOO MUCH information to all my healthcare professionals. I want them to know everything. I would definitely tell the new therapist concerns from the old ones. How do you fill out your questionnaire? I told our therapist--when we went in for our six-month check-up--that I was not interested in trying to change my husband but in how I could gain some insight into our dynamic so I could better adapt (or cut loose). I made it clear that I wanted to work on my end, the things that I could control. That approach made a difference. Voicing it kept me on task, because sometimes I actually did want him to see how wrong he was.

Before you go, be honest with yourself about what you hope to gain. Be as specific as you can be. Then, express clearly to your therapist what you hope to gain from your sessions. Voice your concerns stemming from past treatment, and then COMMIT to a certain number of sessions. Ask your therapist to quantify this for you. It's not an exact science, but given your goals and where you are, he/she should be able to tell you about how long it should take to get you "out of the woods". Whatever that number is, commit to it. It won't always look, feel, taste, smell, sound pretty, so you have to be committed to going THROUGH the fire that can be your therapy. If at any point you feel that you are being mistreated, address that in session. Maybe the therapist has gotten a little personal; maybe he/she just hit a nerve with you. Deal with that issue, as well.

How did you find the other therapists? The one we've used for our son have been direct referrals from his doctor. No craziness, just straightforward visits with good advice from the therapist.

I might start off the meeting explaining what happened before and asking the therapist about his/her approach to therapy. Could save you some time if you find out it's another crazy method that doesn't match your needs.