Unsolicited Advice - Vancouver,WA

I think you did just fine. Staring blankly at her without responding was exactly what she needed. And it worked, right? She shut her trap!

I would have been tempted to say, "After 90 minutes of sitting next to you, Aunt Bertha, I wish someone would give ME some entertainment!" haHA!

I don't think I would categorize your Aunt's comments as "unsolicited advice." I believe it was more in the line of "criticism." And, as far as criticism goes, if the situation is really as you described it, this particular bit of chastisement was completely out of line.

Sounds like your child was bordering on angelic behavior. I play with my kids in a restaurant just for fun. Their life is SUPPOSED to be fun right now. I have 4 children. My twin boys are 20 months old. We rarely take all the children out (my oldest is 5, and I also have a 3 year old) but when we do, we try for the best possible behavior but realize that these are CHILDREN and that they cannot and should not be expected to behave like mini-adults. My boys still occasionally throw food on the floor. My girls are usually either giggling together or giving each other the evil eye and complaining about some imagined slight. As a result, we only go to "family friendly" type places like Izzy's or other places that are not going to be cheesed off at my request for 2 high chairs and a booster seat. When we DO go out, it is almost always for some sort of family event. I am the only person in my immediate family that has kids right now, but aside from my siblings, my other relatives have all had little children and THEY UNDERSTAND. My siblings don't have kids, but thay also UNDERSTAND. They realize that little kids have energy and need to move around. That even the best behaved child at that age still believes (perhaps rightly so) that the world must revolve entirely around them. That adult conversation is SO BORING. We don't let the kids run like hooligans, disrupt other diners, or behave poorly or disrespectfully, but we also don't set our expectations at an unreasonable level.

I guess what all my ranting is ultimately leading up to is this: Your Aunt doesn't get it. Does she have children? If not, I don't think she gets to vote on your parenting policies (kind of like men don't get to complain about their wive's behavior when she is pregnant...if you haven't been through it, you don't get to whine about it.) If your Aunt doesn't get it now, no snappy comeback will assist her in getting it. Your best bet will probably be to ignore it.

If you feel like you must respond, how about this? "Well, I am always open to advice from someone who has been through this. Based on your extensive experience and training with children, what do you recommend?" If you can get just the right tone of condescension in your voice, it should put her (nicely) in her place. BUt she sounds a little too obtuse to get it. Good luck.

I like the way you handled it. Her comment was rude and therefore doesn't need a response. She wasn't giving advice. She was telling you that she didn't approve of what you were doing. Advice would be giving you another suggestion so that you could meet your goal.

I have some friends that have never had children and they also make this sort of negative comment. I usually just ignore them or look at them with a puzzled look on my face while I continue to do what I was doing that was working. I don't allow any further comments in front of my grandchildren. This means I don't make a comment. Fortunately my friends know that when I respond in this manner it's not open for discussion.

Sometimes they will say something to me later. One friend likes to tell me that I'm spoiling my granddaughter. I keep it light. I might say, well, "it's my job as the grandmother to do just that." She also says that I'm not consitently enforcing the rules with my grandchild. I agree with her because what she's said is correct. I know that I'm weak in the rules and discipline area. And I've decided that although I continue to work on being more consistent I feel OK about what I'm doing. Incidentally my friend has never had children or even been around children since she was a child. I believe that some of her criticisms are prompted by her jealousy. We've been friends for 30 years. When our friendship began neither of us had children.

At least my friend is specific about her complaints and we are able to talk about them from time to time. She never makes a comment in front of the children.

If you don't see this aunt very often I'd just let it go. If you will be seeing her often, take her aside when things are going well and tell her that you are aware that she would parent differently; that you are comfortable with the way you are parenting but if she feels strongly and wants to make a comment to me she should do it outside the hearing of children.

You did handle the situation that you described effectively. With perhaps the exception that you let it cause anxiety/anger on your part. Try not to take such comments personally.

Some people may give you good information. Listen and accept anything that might be helpful. Giving information is more acceptable than rude criticism offered by your aunt.

I have been in situations during which a young child was gearing up for being out of control. Sometimes this is in a restaurant. If I can think fast enough for a diversion I offer it, by doing the diversion myself. For example I may point to a big balloon and ask what color is that? Or stooping down and asking the child a question about something they're carrying or wearing. Sometimes mothers look at me gratefully. Others glower. I leave if I get glower.

I started doing this after noticing that people did this for me when I was with my daughter who was acting out. I really appreciated it.

sounds like you and I have a similar philosophy for managing children in a positive way. If Someone else doesn't agree with it, it's their problem.

You did just fine. Having the perfect retort will only start an argument-and there is no point arguing with people who have forgotten (or don't know) what it's like to have a child that age.

Hi, Esther!

I raised five children, all of whom are grown now, and I am enjoying grandparenthood immensely! I always took a three step approach to the type of comments that you encountered:

Step 1: Nod and smile as sweetly as possible.
Step 2: Say something like, "Thank you so much. I appreciate your concern for my child."
Step 3: Do what YOU think is best for you and your child.

Getting into a face-off will only be bad for you and your aunt, and you don't want to have that conversation in front of your son. I always tried to give the benefit of the doubt and chose to feel that they were just trying to "help." It doesn't make the comment less rude, just makes my response to it a little calmer and keeps me out of a bad confrontational situation.

It amazes me how free people feel to give advice and/or criticism. I had all five of my kids in six years, and on almost every trip into public with them in tow someone would ask either if they were all mine, or if I had figured out what caused that, etc. ad nauseum.

I appreciate that you were trying to entertain your son so he wouldn't disturb others. I have been in plenty of situations where the child is running around the restaurant screaming and climbing the walls while the parents seem completely oblivious to the grief being caused to the other diners. You are doing your son a great service by helping him learn that courtesy in a public setting is a GOOD thing.

Auntie needs a little help in that area, eh??

Keep up the good work, mom.
M./Nana

Like a duck with water. Let it roll off. Throughout your life these comments will come at you and you can let them hurt you or not. I remember giving advice or reminding myself that my child will never be allowed to do that.... until I had one. To this day I still apologize to my sister for the things I said. I didn't have a child and until I walked in her shoes and had my own I KNEW NOTHING! Many people THINK they know what they are talking about, but most don't. You are a good mother and obviously dedicated to your child. Her advice was not appropriate and until she walks in your shoes she has no idea what she is talking about. Having a child teaches you how to let things go. This is one of those things. Good luck in the future, it sounds as if you are being a great Mom, keep up the good work.

Based on your description of the situation, you and your son were behaving perfectly reasonably.

It's so hard when someone makes comments like that.

The best thing to do (although it's always something very hard for ME to do!) is just to smile and say, "thank you. I'll keep that in mind for next time." (and of course promptly put it out of your mind).

I am strongly against unsolited advice, especially when it is rude and is an attempt to undermine your authority as a parent.
You could say a few things:

"Mmm-hmmm" (saying you heard her without using words)

"Thank you for your input, I will take it into consideration."

"Do you realize that he's been sitting here well behaved for almost 1-1/2 hours before fussing? That is a very long time, and I think he's entitled to some entertainment after being so good for so long."

(if someone really steps over the line)"You had your chance to raise your children your way, and now it is my turn to raise my children my way."

Any way you put it, it's best for you if you don't let someone undermine you as a parent. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but you aren't entitled to live by them, or tolerate insults.

You did great. You're a great mom, who was in-tune enough with your son to know when he was getting restless and play with him to keep him occupied when the restaurant visit got long. 18 months is still quite young and when it gets close to bedtime his ability to control himself is going to go waaaay down, not out of willful disobedience but out of fatigue. As a parent you have to understand that and not expect too much. But you know this already, which is why you were handling the situation so perfectly. I agree with others who said you should let the comment go. Just know that she doesn't know what she's talking about and you're instincts are right on target. People are going to say rude stuff sometimes. It helps if you are secure in your parenting to not let it shake you.

I'd tell the old bag were to go is what I do. Not really. I'm only kidding. I am always shocked that people can be so obtuse.
One time when my first child was just a few months old I pulled my car up next to an ATM, in March mind you, on a 60 degree day, and stepped out literally next to my car to get some cash from the ATM. It took me maybe all of 30 seconds and a woman sitting in her car next to me had the "balls" to get out and tell me my baby could die of heat exhaustion, and how dare I leave him in the car. Did I mention this is March, 60 degrees out side. Anyway I cried the whole rest of the day. I thought about what I wish I would have said to her. I couldn't believe someone could make me feel like such a bad mom. Like I didn't care about my child. If that happened today I wouldn't stand for it. Maybe I am less mature then most moms, but I don't think anyone has the right to make you feel like your mothering isn't good enough. Being a mom is tough as it is. If she can't give "advise" with love then she should keep it to herself. I do think kids can behave, but 18 months is still quite young, and kids should play. If it bothers you enough that you are still thinking about it, then tell her that. So I guess what I'm saying is tell her where to go. I guess I wasn't kidding.

You are awesome, way to go mom!!!! That is one lucky kid.

As for the Aunt, sometimes saying nothing is the right thing, you are right on track!

She probably comes from an era where parenting "rules" were much less kind to kids. (our goal is to meet their developmental needs so that they grow up healthy emotionally & secure. That generation thought children should be seen & not heard.) You were paying attention to his needs first, adult conversation came second. It's OK that she didn't like it. If you kind that you need to say something, a simple "thanks for caring, but I have my own opinions about that" should suffice.

God Bless you, I'm glad more & more moms take this approach with their kids.