Ugg Drama and Expecting Free Advice

Don't tell her off. You'll be causing more drama.

Talk to DH. If he doesn't want to do it anymore (and I'm gussing he doesn't), ask him for someone to refer her to. Then call her back and say "I'm sorry DH can't (or doesn't have time to) give you good advice on this, but he'd be happy to refer you to his colleague Dave, who is an expert in that area. Dave's office number is XXX."

No matter what she says, keep repeating the above.

I might take her call and just tell her--maybe lightly--that he has already given her more than he gives even his own blood for free and she's really pushing it to keep asking. Then add, "He doesn't want to have to say it to you, so he asked me to. If it comes from him, it'll be pretty harsh." Either she's going to pay him for his service or she won't get his service. It's that simple. Tell her that.

No charge, but tips are appreciated.

Tell her to call the person that did the work for her a year ago. I am sure they will be helpful.
Or... tell her your husband is really busy and the best way to get an answer is to call him during work hours. Tell her you are sure he can give an estimate or whatever for the work and that the first time it was for free but the second time he will charge her $100 or whatever and he will take it off the final bill once the work is complete because too many people try to take advantage.... You know take free advice but then use someone else. Don't feel bad either...she has a lot of nerve!!

For a few years, I was VERY close to making a living as an artist. Since I was spending a lot of time on it, family members decided it was appropriate to give me their requests for (free) art. Uh...really?

Now, these are people I LOVE, and it ticked me off. I usually just told them I had a lot of commissions, but appreciated how much they liked my work and that if I had time to do it for their Christmas gift, I would. THEN I started getting calls from an aunt requesting I do (free) art for her in the style of one of the local artists where she lived - she wanted the work this artist did, because her friends had it, but she didn't want to pay for it.

When I told her that it would be unprofessional of me to copy his work and she'd really be better off commissioning him, she was peeved - and my MOM called and chewed me out for being so selfish (yes, it's terribly selfish of me not to spend all my time making free art for family - I should absolutely be willing to ruin my reputation and throw away my chance to make a living doing something I love; yeah, OK). In reality, they just didn't get it, but still...it was a pain in the neck for me.

My advice? If you must talk to her, I suggest gently replying to her request with "You know he gets paid to do that, right?" Or ignore her, and if questioned at some point, say "Oh yes, we were terribly busy. Were you able to find a good professional XX?"

Good luck.

ETA: I have nothing against doing favors for friends and family. I think most people are OK with that - up to a point. In my example, people who said they'd love to have a piece someday or asked if maybe I'd consider doing X for them if I had time generally got what they asked for. But they didn't keep asking, and it was clear in how they asked that they understood they were getting a gift.

Call her back when it's convenient for you, like a year from now.

:)

I seriously thought this was going to be about drama around Uggs, the boots. I was curious. Obviously it has been a long day for me :)

In most fields, people don't charge for advice. It's one thing if she's asking him to do actual WORK for her for free, but advice usually IS free, even when people aren't family at all.

It's like, if you ask me, "Should I use 'which' or 'that' in this sentence," I'll just tell you, free of charge. If you say, "Here is a first draft of my 500-page novel; will you edit it, please?" I'll tell you my hourly rate and advise you that I wouldn't be able to start work for quite some time.

It seems appropriate for your husband to set boundaries in terms of her interrupting him at work, and he could certainly take a message and get back to her later, but that's probably it.

More generally, it seems like you have a fair bit of resentment toward your dad and his wife. This is natural, and it's more than understandable. But putting a price tag on advice doesn't sound like a solution.

Wait for her to ask husband for a specific piece of free advice, something for which he normally would get paid. Then husband (not you! Him!) needs to say politely, "I'm going to give you a name and number of X, a colleague in the business who might be able to help you from now on."

In other words, he needs to firmly refer her to someone else (yes, even a competitor) who is going to charge her!

If she comes back to him whining that this person wanted to charge her, and I bet she will, he needs to say (again very cheerfully and politely), "Well, in our business, this is how we make our livings. It wouldn't be professional of me to continue giving out advice to family members pro bono. I really think X can help you out and (s)he is worth the fee you would pay, but it's your choice." Then change. The. Topic. Every. Time.

If she calls you whining that he won't give her free help, just play the "I'm not part of that loop" card and say, "You know, this is between you and DH, and if he's recommending someone else, I'm sure that person is fine." Then change. The. Topic. Every. Time.

I best she calls you both a lot less. If she complains that he gives advice to other family members, just say, or better, have HIM say, "Yes, but that is done on a paid professional basis." Still I would tell him never to take her on as a paid client even if she offers - she sounds like a pain.

Very tacky.

I happen to go to relatives for work and pay them extra (cousin highlights my hair and I pay her more than i would someone else for the same work). My friend who lives on the east coast and is a hair stylist says her MIL and Aunt in law will have her cut their hair not only for free, but wont tip. She is shocked by their rude behavior.

I had a different cousin help me write a legal letter a few (err many) years ago and he did it for free (he's a lawyer and i was fresh out of college in the workforce). He did me a favor.

I think if you are equal or higher rank (aunt is higher rank than niece) then pay the relative for the service. If you are lower rank (daughter to mother) then the elder could be kind and give you a deal and help you out.

Of course I am trying to think what your husband to know if my beliefs make sense.

My time = $$$

Your husband's time = $$$

He should not feel obligated to give professional advice that he would get paid for under other circumstances just because he's family.

Now if he chooses to give that advice, its his choice.

It sounds like someone wants free advice then goes elsewhere to shop a deal. I would not be ok with that, unless it was someone who was true to me and my family and had proven that they are not just a user.

Stand your ground with hubby and watch out for your family.

This is your husband's issue, not yours. Throw it in his lap. He has helped her for free before, so he's kind of created this situation. He should draw a line between the family and his profession. He can be light but firm about it, saying, "I'm sure you understand that doctors and lawyers and counselors and real estate brokers get approached all the time by people wanting free advice, and as much as we'd like to help, it's just not feasible. I'm sure you understand."

It's not clear to me if you all need the income from helping out the family and therefore you want to continue to use family members as clients. It's okay if everyone's on the same page, but it can create hard feelings. If this MIL is aware that he provides services for other family members (I realize they are on the other side) but not aware that he charges them, she may think she's "entitled" or even "invited" to consult with him. It's possible that she considers this a way of "reaching out" to a semi-estranged family member because it's the only way she knows how to communicate, although it's also possible she's just looking for freebies or attention, or both.

Your husband needs to tell your father's wife that, at home, he's off the clock, and he just gets so many calls from friends and family looking for free advice that he doesn't have a second to himself anymore. He can offer the MIL an appointment in his office to discuss the matter, and tell her his hourly rate is X. Otherwise, he can give her a referral to another professional in the same field if she'd rather keep it outside the family and on a strictly professional basis. Which does she prefer?

If she calls your home, you simply say that your husband (or his firm's secretary) handles all the appointments for professional advice, and you just handle social invitations. Give her the number of his office in a firm but warm way, just as you would any other acquaintance with whom you aren't going to get into a confidential discussion. Then change the subject and ask her how her garden is or if she's seen a new movie. Be friendly but on a completely different topic. If she persists or calls again, just repeat the same script. Try not to get aggravated because it builds a wall. Just plead no knowledge of his schedule, and say, "Oh, when my husband comes home, he's all in 'family mode' and he tries so hard to leave his stressful job in the office where it belongs. He spends all day dealing with things and he just doesn't want to handle them at night or on weekends. I can't blame him. So we make it a point not to handle his professional responsibilities in the house. I'm sure you understand that." If she persists, you just say you don't know and she needs to call him in his office.

People can't take advantage of you without your permission.

I am sure it is fair to say we ALL sound a little crazy when we are in desperate need of any urgent advice-mooch or not. Please try to put things into perspective given the fact that you are exhausted from your own hectic things.
I personally don't think it's an issue you want to "tell her off" about, and risk family fall out. Frankly you would probably regret doing so once your own life calms down a bit. I understand you don't like her-for whatever reason....but I think you might be a little more harsh with her because you are already so put out with her. Times are hard financially for everyone-perhaps even for your father and his new wife. Try and be objective for a minute.
If in fact your husband is more expensive and they are indeed strapped for funds, wouldn't it only make sense that they call your husband and try to get as much free advice as possible? Finally, if needing representation and the money isn't there, it would seem like the only logical thing to do would be to find the best bang for your buck. Please understand that it wasn't a slap at your husband-it's a matter of money...or lack thereof.

Perhaps she needs to know that your husband charges even his own family for his time and advice. That should make things very clear on how he views handing out "free" advice for even the distant-not-so-close wife's stepmother. Perhaps a quick text just stating that you are all so busy but if she needs to contact him, she can make an appointment with his office and leave the office number. Unless she's an idiot, she should get the message loud and clear.

Best to say nothing.

In loo of best say, why don't you ask the guy you paid last time.

Well, re: is this what family does. Actually no. My BIL is a chiropractor. He will offer advice and recommendations, but the second you broach the line for adjustments, etc we pay. He works independently, owns his own business and if he gives his work away for free to family where does it stop? Friends? Neighbors? Neighbors' friends?

It is a slippery slope. Also, what I do for a living is based in my mind and creative collateral (if you will) while I have done a press release or web write up for family or a close friend it is ONE time and we usually barter service.

I agree with others. Let your hubby address the situation with her and handle the way he feels best. If you speak to your dad's wife again, tell her it is between her and hubs.

good luck.

Business is business and family is family the two should never mix. As you can see by the posters all of the issues they have had about the "free" jobs from family.

If she insists, which she probably will, come up with a dollar amount that it will cost. Otherwise refer her out and don't do anything for her again. You can say no and they will get over it or not. But this is your life. Let her find her own way.

Sometimes you have to be blunt with family members in order for them to understand that what you do is not a service but a business or is a profession and that you get paid for the expertise. Steer them towards the phone book sorry Google and let them work it out.

the other S.

PS That would avoid the drama and any headaches.

Honestly - doing anything at all for her is more of a pain in the behind whether she pays your Hubby or not.
She can call all she wants - you and/or Hubby do not have to answer or if you do - just say 'No, we're not doing this anymore' - and then follow through.
You don't have to give any reasons or excuses or tell her off (avoid wasting breath on her) - you don't have to explain yourself.
After that if she's harassing you or Hubby (at work or at home), then block her calls.

I get asked for free advice pretty regularly. My general rule for friends and family is if it is something general that I know off the top of my head, like I can answer a question in a ten minute phone call and that's it, I will try to help. HOWEVER, I can only answer very general questions without getting into tricky waters, ethically. Not knowing your husband's profession, I don't know if this would apply, but are there any ethical or liability reasons for him not to give away advice? Could he just let her know that he is in a tenuous position liability-wise/ethically, and he either needs to have a clear cut contract with her or he can refer her to someone great? My understanding is that in many professions the magic (and often true) answer is "that's not my area of expertise."

If he flat out does not want to tell her that he isn't going to give out free advice, then here is how I would handle it: Every time she asks him a question, he says something like, "I don't know, I've never heard of that before, I don't know how that would work...etc." No matter WHAT she asks him, even if it's something simple, then then answer is something like he doesn't know. Every single time he needs to do this and she will get tired of it. Good luck.