Tween Discipline

Aga:

Before deciding that her mood swings are hormonal, may I suggest two small research efforts. First, consider the time of day when your step daughter has her meltdowns. Is it possible that her blood sugar is crashing? As young girls enter their tweens, they often need some regulating of their blood sugar. A small protein rich snack (peanut butter, milk, cheese, yogurt, avocado) in between meals could help her cope with the changes in her body.

The second research effort would be to have a quiet talk with her where she does the talking and you listen to understand. Perhaps while you're riding in the car - just the 2 of you. Tell her how much you love her and ask her why she thinks she's been irritable lately. Then just listen. Help her realize it's okay to share by repeating what she says but not commenting on it. For example, if she says she's "just stressed because school is really overloading her right now." Respond with empathy and repeat her concern "Yes, I have noticed that you have a lot of homework lately. That must be hard." This conversation can set the stage for others and for some joint problem solving.

Good luck.

C.

Aga,

sometimes, we have to use the bad parent as an example. I do not feel bad for doing this, as my ex is a total wreck... I try to teach my kids what NOT to do, and he just has too many real life examples of what NOT to do that I can't help but say 'this is what happens when you do this...'.

anyway, the problem is that this tween girl has absolutely no clue what respect is. When my kids come home from their dads, i notice they act this way. I remind them that in THIS house, you do not raise your voice to people, you will bite your tongue and be respectful to EVERYBODY, no matter how angry you are about something else. my one pre-teen has a habit of letting the smallest thing ruin her day, and then she barks at everybody. I do NOT tolerate this. she has two options, she can talk to me about what's bothering her, or she can go to her room. If she isn't willing to be nice to people who had nothing to do with why she is angry, then she can be alone. Sometimes they're really acting out because yes, they're angry about something, but they're looking for somebody to say 'what's bothering you?'.

since you are the step-mom, i'm not sure what your relationship is like wit hher.... so maybe it would be better received from dad.

Either way, talk to her... find out what her problem is and tell her that you will not put up with her anger and outbursts. I asked my kids, "is it ok for me to come home and beat you because my boss is a jerk?" they both said 'no'... I said then it's not ok for you to come home after a bad day at school and b*itch at everybody for breathing wrong, so if you need to take 10 minutes to remind yourself that you are at home, we all love you, and this is your sanctuary from the rest of your life, then by all means - take 10 and let go of your anger, it will make you sick if you let it take control of you.

In short - find out what the problem is (yes... there is a bigger problem than just hormones - guaranteed), and demand that she respect the people of the house in spite of it or suffer consequences.

I have a seven year old that acts the same way. And I know she is not going through hormonal changes. But what I have found out is that my daughter needs to control her disappointment when things don't go her way. My daughter gets so angry and she lashes out at her sister and my husband and I.
My daughters disappointments run all over the place. Possibly your stepdaughter has emotional issues she does not know how to deal with. My statement to my daughter is, you need to find joy in things even though they don't go your way. And I am trying to get her to open up to me and tell what is wrong. Since she is so young she tells me she does not know why she is upset but after some prodding we most of the time get to the source.

Good Luck! You are in a tough spot because she is your stepdaughter too.

I second the counseling idea, but I think it should be specifically for your step-daughter. I was like this as a tween (and all the way up until my early twenties) and it turned out that I had borderline personality disorder. A lot of people will probably think that's a bogus diagnosis, but it fit me to a T - anger management issues, inability to regulate my emotions, etc... Some cases can be treated solely with counseling, though I found fluoxetine or sertraline to help a LOT. I stopped snapping over every little thing, and was generally a happier person. So that's one avenue you m ay want to pursue, after you've tried talking to her to see if something else is going on.

Sounds like she needs some one on one time with you. Let her know you love her and talk with her about what's happening. She has been neglected by her own mom, she needs you to cherish her and love her like her own mom should. A lot of the attitude is just her age, but she needs boundries of what behavior is acceptable. Also find some activities for her to get involved, youth groups at church, crafts, reading, sports or music. Remember she is living with you and she will be an example for your younger children. They will be watching her behavior and think that it's acceptable. So you need to make sure she is respectful to you and her siblings. Good luck you have your hands full.

Hi Aga,

I was/am a child by marriage and my Mom and i went through a rough patch when I was a tween. i would suggesst that you look into a family counselor, someone that you can take your daughter to and just let her talk. There's probably under lying issues that she can't/won't talk to you or her Dad about that she is dealing with, esp if she is seeing her biological mother on a regular basis.

Being a tween step kid is a hard place to be, especially when there are other kids in the house. It can be hard to know where you fit in the family and depending on what the birth mother is doing, it can be hard to know who to trust.

I don't care if her hormones are raging, she has no right to treat everyone with such disrespect. I would use any punishment you currently use for infractions and stick to it.

With my just barely tween, this seems to work.

It's not only girls...it's boys too. My son is going through the same thing, and I am standing my ground and not giving in. I truly believe that talking and interaction with children at this age is very important. It is so hard to be a kid in todays world, especially a girl. I would get her involved in sports, dance, or activities that would really bring out a positive self esteem. If you attend church, I would get her involved. These are some things that I have done with my son, which has made a huge difference in his attitude.
I also have established the rules in writing, which are posted. A lot of times when my son begins to speak to me in a disrespectful tone, I immediately respond " who are you talking to? " Most of the time, he'll change his tone, other times he will express his feelings. We would then talk. If he didn't calm down, he would have to go sit on his bed until he is calm enough to talk. It took a long while, almost all school year to establish this, but he is now responding positively.There are also other punishments I use when he is not behaving. When he is disrespectful or misbehaves he gets grounded or has to do extra weekend chores. My biggest punishment for repeat or serious offenses is taking away anything that plugs into a wall...game systems, telephone, tv,etc for a week. In example, I would have taken the tv from her for 2 days for her outburst. I would have also taken her watch bands away until she earned them with some kind of house chore. Since I've done this, there haven't been many repeat offenses. There were some days I just could not get anything accomplished due to his behavior, but I stood by my word. I always talk to him about why the behavior is not appropriate and what is expected of him.

Your daughter is a stepchild, so dad would definitely have to be supportive. If you both are on the same page and do not give in, it will get better. What ever you do, do not give in early to the punishments. Once you give a punishment, it is completed to the end. At this age, kids need to learn boundries. It's not easy. On the other side of this, always remember that positive praise will work wonders. It's another way of showing your approval. If she does calm down and talks civil, tell her she did a good job handling herself. Or if you see her handle a situation in a good way, let her know so that it will be a positive habit that sticks in her mind.
I hope this helps:)
Best wishes
M.

Like my mom used to say "Ignore it" and then remind yourself that you are not the mother of a seventeen year old boy who thinks he's a rich bachelor and wants to stay out all night. Hope that helps. Definitely hormonal. Although I suppose even though you have all of those children that one will require a different set of rules as she doesn't seem to follow the pack. I have worked in middle schools for ten plus years and that is normal, but WHY/ WHO KNOWS so back to my mom's brilliant comment and she is the mother of six living children (she is seventy five). Many of us were shrieking girls. That's what she did. She IGNORED US and she is quite healthy. Although her dogs pictures hang on her walls, not ours. HMMM...

It sounds like she needs some one on one time with you to "feel" out whats going on in her world. My daughter is 14 and it is definitely the time when things just going weird in their lives. I cannot tell you how many times that she would come home from school upset because of some "minor" flair up between the friends and of course, they all have to get involved in the mess! Do yourself the favor of listening to her - the story or the issue may sound silly to you but that issue might be what is causing a lot of stress in her world right now. Is she involved in sports or activities? If she is, good for her! The more they have to do -- the less time she has to get involved in the "wild" side or just bad kids. If you are seeing it -- don't turn a blind eye to it. She may balk at first but GET HER INVOLVED IN ACTIVITIES - you won't regret it.

Sounds like she watches too much tv like soaps or something of that nature. She thinks that is how she's supposed to express herself. She's probably PMSing at the same time.

Me I would just gently talk to her about her outbursts. I would tell her that she has every right to feel out of sorts or even get upset about things, but yelling and screaming is unacceptable. Just tell her that she will talk to everyone in the house like a normal human being or she will suffer consequences for the outbursts that include...things like no tv, no radio, no phone time, no time with friends and so on. Make a list for her that are in the order you will excute them. First outburst is such and such. If she goes a whole week without an outburst or meltdown...then you start over.

Explain that as a woman she will feel out of sorts at times. She might even feel a little out of control or nuts at times, but yelling and having meltdowns is not how things are handled. That only happens in on tv or with women that have no control.

Explain that yelling at someone and screaming to get attention or to express yourself is childish (like a temper tantrum). Grown, respected, mature women do not behave that way.

Reiterate that having bad moods, down time, or feeling out of sorts is perfectly normal. It is not how you feel that is in question, but how she's handling herself during those times. We can feel bad without taking it out on others. And it might take awhile to get the hang of controling herself, but you will help. She might have to suffer some consequences for a few out of control moments, but she will get through those times and learn how to manage her emotions.

Good luck!!!

I'm sorry, I have been there and it's not pretty! I'm a mother of five girls and stepmom of two who are grown now. When my stepdaughter was that age she was pretty much the same. Most of the responses you got here are okay but involve too much talk. Your presence, a steady, loving attitude with a little humor, will go a lot farther than a lot of words. Never take what she says personally and do not respond to yelling. If you think back at your own feelings at that age, maybe you'll remember feeling lost, confused and emotional a lot of the time - I do, and it was decades ago!

One thing that I've found does help is homeopathic preparations designed for PMS. The one we have was made by GNC and is not made any more, but anyone who knows herbs and homeopathy would be able to find something. Honestly, it sounds goofy but works. The problem, of course, is getting the person to agree that it's a mood swing and not everybody else being wrong, so they'll take the stuff! At those times I came the closest I've ever come to forcing my girls to do something - I gave them the pill and said, PUT THIS IN YOUR MOUTH - it will not hurt you and may help - and it did!

I know this doesn't sound like much help, but it DOES pass and one day you will hear those magic words, "Now I know what I put you guys through!" I had the privilege of hearing that when my stepdaughter was 19, a mere five years after she stared acting up. Money can't buy moments like that!!

Fixing broken/ripped stuff - around $50
Bus/train fare every time kid stomped out of house - $20
Presents for ungrateful kid who probably did not deserve them - $200
Emotional cost - cannot be calculated
HEARING MAGIC WORDS "YOU WERE RIGHT" - Priceless!!

Hi Aga,
I would try to do some fun one on one girl outings (movie, lunch, shopping, etc). Make it a scheduled outing once a week & let her pick the activity. This will help open the lines of communication. I think her outbursts are stemmed from feeling abandoned by her Mom. Her anger explodes because she does not know how to express it. She needs to learn how to deal with these issues & how to epress her anger in more appropriate ways. I would suggest getting her into therapy or work with a counselor. Good luck.

Well in addition to the typical teen/tween emotional/hormonal roller coaster ride she has the heavy baggage of feeling rejected by her biological mom. That has to hurt.
She is craving & needing nurturing attention.
Family counseling may even be in order so she can learn how to better communicate & express her feelings.
Intervention now will save you from even scarier drama down the road.

Aga,
my daughter is turning 13 next month.So I know hormones are there,but they don't make people act that way.They are more sensitive and annoyed I believe,but shouldn't be angry like that.
I totaly understand that she is angry about her bio.Mom and I would take her out on a fun day,and let her talk about her anger and rejection and aknowledge that she has a right to be angry about her bio.mom.Be sympathetic,but also make clear
their are bounderies about acting like that.Finding other ways to express that frustration.I had problems with my son for 2 years,talking about anger(he has Asperger's).
It was so hard,but we have always been very honest and direct in our household,that helped a lot.He drew pictures when he was extremly angry.I allow my kids to be angry,because I'm sometimes angry,of course,but be respectful about it.
Now my son is a happy 14 year old,thank god.
Good luck MC

God, there's so much going on here. I'm sure you know this, but being a step-mom to a girl whose biological mom is still in the picture (and who is being described as a 'wild-child' by the step-mom) cannot be a recipe for any kind of normalcy. Firstly, a teen girl can almost be like having a psychotic person in the house. Their behavior and anger is often very similar to a psychotic episode. My armchair psychological advice is to never let on that her biological mother is a nut case or unworthy in any way, shape or form. This teenager already knows that even though she probably won't admit it. You, stepmom, are not allowed to step in her biological mom's territory...ever!!! Let her daughter be the expert on her mother. She needs to be the one who makes decisions and be the authority on her mother, not you. This might not always be practical or safe, but let her father deal with this. You might have to keep your distance on this one. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. Good luck.

You love her and she lives in your house--she's your daughter regardless of biology. Treat her that way. Rules should be the same for both boy and girl, with age appropriate adjustments of course. It's your job to teach her how to live in the real world. Structure and limits are important for any kid.
As others have said, let her know that you understand that she is going through a tough time right now growing up (hormones and family situation) but disrespect is never acceptable. She can't act that way in school and she won't be able to treat her employers like that when she is an adult--and they don't love her as you do. Make her understand exactly what the repurcussions/consequences/punishment for disrespect and inapproproiate behavior will be and then enforce it when necessary. Remember to keep it appropriate to the situation, not too extreme for minor situations, more extreme for more heinous incidents.
You may also want to add a positive consequence in sitations where she controls her temper. The best thing is not a bribe, but a heartfelt statement from you: "I am really proud of you that you didn't blow up like you have in the past. You're going to grow up to be an amazing young woman." or something like that. Combined with full-on eye contact and a hug, a soft touch on the shoulder or a kiss on the cheek, this will do wonders. {You may not see an positive response from this at first, you are likely to get the rolled eyes, shrug, etc. but ignore that. When she asks for somehting, let her know your positive response to her is a result of her positive responses to you. "Sure we can go to the mall, I've noticed that you have been really trying to control your temper, you deserve a reward for the effort you're putting out." }
The best thing of all is for her to understand that it is her choice--exercise self control or blow her top. She will reap the consequneces for the choice that she makes. This is a life lesson that we all need to remember.

Consider Kevin Leehman's new book about kids with attitudes. Family CHristian book Store carries it, and you could call a Barnes and Noble to get reference otherwise.
He claims, and has also been on the radio, that we can have the tools to influence change in our teenagers in 2-7 days.
I will be getting a copy, as it is well worth the price.
We have heard him speak, and he is very knowlegable with family raising of kids, and encouraging accountability form parents to help the kids adjust to life changes that they don't ask for.

Pray alot, as this is one of the most powerful resources I beleive we have.

You can let her know that you realize she is going through alot of changes right now but that you still expect her to behave within the accepted rules of the household. Make her dad be the heavy if necessary and you be sympathetic. As the step-parent I would not take that role. Also let her know she should be setting an example for her younger sibling. But don't let total craziness go unnoticed! And don't even bring up her Mom. That will cause her to resent you for sure.

First, behavior is not inherited it's learned. Just because her biological mother was/is wild doesn't mean she will be. The meltdowns are normal, and will get worse before they get better...especially if she's only a tween. Adolescence is tough; its an in between stage where they believe they are mature enough to handle everything, however they still need guidance so they push against it trying to learn how to become independant and to learn personal boundaries. Talking to them about it will cause more ourbursts, and ignoring it will make them think you don't care....CRAZY! I was a very emotional and rebellious teenager, and the best thing my mom did for me was to set boundaries, and walk away from my outbursts. She allowed me my personal space, however always asked loads of questions which we fought alot about, but in the end I thanked her profusely when I grew out of it. Im still apologizing for some of the things I did. But the thing that stuck with me the most was when I asked my mom why she couldn't be my best friend like one of my friends mom's was...she looked at me and told me that I could make friends at school, but what I needed at home was a mom. While it made me really angry at first, I now understand it. Teenagers need love, support but most of all they need boundaries. As long as she knows that it doesnt matter how much she screams and yells, you're still going to love her, but that the rules won't change, you'll be fine. You will get through it, and probably be closer in the end because of it.

I can only say to you that patience is the word.
I had my step daughter say f...you in my face, I was so surpised I was not able to respond initially and just walked away to give myself time to compose myself and when I returned a bit later to talk with her , she did not even have the curtesy to apologize, rather said I should mind my own business next time...so even though I gave her my mind and what I think is appropriate, I think none of it sinks in,she is too self involved, and I realized that I cannot wait for this phase to move on.I certainly did not get any support from the dad, he just said, oh, its between you and her....so good luck to us all......

Unfortunately this is the age that no one tells you about at the baby shower. Talk with other moms, pray, meditate and wait until she is older. You have to stay calm and respond in a normal voice. Or just ignore her and leave the room. This may not help, but at least it will not escalate. My daughters are now 17 and 19 and are beginning to learn how to apologize to me for this type of behavior.
A.

This is coming from someone that has went through all that you are describing. My daughter is now 18 and understands alot, but she is still a teenager.
Your daughter is doing what she feels she needs to do to get attention- any attention, good or bad. She also sounds like she is angry. Teens run hot and cold- and you never know what will set them off.
A great book to read is called "I Hate you, Now take me to the mall!"
Oh, and if you do hear "I hate you", that just means you are doing your job.

It's hard to be patient but have a one on one talk with her and let her know how badly you feel for her because of the mom situation. She'll tell you it "doesn't bother her" or "I hate her", or "I don't care", etc. Let her know that you're there for her. Have special "girl time" with her. Never say bad things about her mom, just that sometimes people have children too early and are not yet mature enough to care for them properly. There must be rules in the house for the sake of peace but they are brother and sister so there will be fights. Ask her to ignore his immature stupidity because boys are soooo much younger, in the head, then girls---chalk it up to that. Get her involved in things in school or summer activiies. Basketball, cheerleading, music, cheerleading,camp, whatever, so she can find what interests she has and keeps her away from the immature one at the same time. The less time they spend together, the better. Where is there father? Get him involved with both of them. He can take the main role with the son and still have one-on-one time with her.

Don't worry too much just yet. They do go through stages, and maybe that is what this is. It is possible that no matter how great you are, she resents the fact that she doesn't have her "mom" there and takes this out on you. Let her know that the two (or three of you - with dad) need to have a talk about how she is feeling. Either leave a good time up to her or be sure to do it when she is calm and more positive. Explain to her that you hate seeing her angry all of the time and want to do something to help. Angry people don't like feeling that way. Hopefully, something can come from a good talk, especially if she knows that you care and it seems like it is about her, not you or others in the home. If things don't improve, you may want to consider the fact that mood disorders, etc. can be genetic. It is possible, because of how her mom sounds, that she inherited a mood disorder, adhd, or some other disorder from mom. Good luck. Get some counseling for her if things don't improve. Like I said, people who are having outbursts and are angry all of the time are miserable and would love to feel better... they just don't know how sometimes.