Tween Advice

You can't "get him to see" really. He has to figure it out on his own. Yes, this is very age/developmental. My son is 13 and I was SO frustrated with him in 6th grade. (We still have our moments, lol). But, he really is a super kid. I get compliments all the time. I spoke with many of his teachers in person and on the telephone when he was in 6th grade, because I was concerned about this or that, but every one of them reassured me that it is VERY typical for the age. So try to keep that little bit of info thumbtacked to the front of your brain.

He isn't really TRYING to be difficult or do the wrong things, but his brain is going through some serious development (seriously, read up on the development of the teen brain), AND his hormones are whack, AND he probably is hitting growth spurts in jumps and starts, AND his friends at school are all changing and moody, too.
He is testing what he can do, and he is testing what he can get away with, and how it feels if he does/doesn't get away with it. Realize that. But he will still test. No matter how much talking you do. I'm not saying not to talk to him or that it is not helpful....just don't expect it to necessarily change his behavior. When lying has some real and painful consequence for him (I don't mean a punishment from you either, I mean where it really hurts--- you no longer trust him, his friends lose trust in him, somebody stops hanging out with him b/c of it, a teacher accuses him of something that he didn't do b/c they know it is par for the course with him.... THOSE sorts of things will have an impact. And he will figure it out.

Keep talking with him, point out the longer term ramifications of what he might be doing, or be tempted to do (now or in the future) and get him started thinking about how he will feel/manage it if/when it does... 'You know I am disappointed that you didn't tell the whole truth about _____. It makes me sad that I am beginning to wonder how much I can trust you. You DO realize, that trust is something that can be thrown away very easily but be VERY difficult to regain? Sometimes people NEVER are able to regain full trust in people, when it has been broken. Do you want your friends to believe you when you say something to them? (yes). Do you want your teachers to always assume what you said is NOT the truth first, and have to be proven wrong EVERY time? (no!) Eventually people will stop assuming you are honest from the start, and will start assuming you are not. Like the boy who cried wolf. Eventually no one paid any attention to what he said, even when it WAS true. That can happen with teachers, with friends, and yes, even with me and Dad. I want to always be able to trust you. Even if you make a mistake and do something wrong, or don't do something you should have done, it is more important to me that you are honest about it, so that I can always trust what you tell me."

Granted... you can run into the "speech" mode and they tune you out.... but, I also believe, truly I do, that if you make the effort to GIVE the speech, that even if they tune you out, they GET that what they do and who they ARE, MATTERS to you. That they are IMPORTANT to you. And THAT sticks with them... even if they don't 'hear' a word you have said.

Hang in there.... I think it gets easier....

I think Victoria is right on track. He sounds like a great kid who is going through very typical tween behavior. Just because it's typical and normal doesn't make it OK, though.

Keep on keeping on. Spend the time with him. Encourage good behaviors. Call him out on the unacceptable stuff, like the lying and stealing. React appropriately, but don't over-react. I've found that, when you use the same tactics back on kids that you don't want them to engage in in the first place, they really lose respect for you.

What you're doing matters and DOES have an impact, even if it's not apparent right now. I don't think there's a magic silver bullet to get through to kids what they are not developmentally ready to understand (at least, if there is such a trick, I haven't found it!) but the constant reinforcing of what you and they know is correct is really, really important. Stealing and lying have consequences. His parents love him, always. Limits are real and enforceable. Even if no one is watching, there is a moral value to honesty. These things are important -- and your consistent, loving parenting will help him realize these things over time.

Sometimes, especially for the small things, a calm BRIEF conversation that corrects the behavior and lets the kid know how disappointed you are is the most effective punishment. There's nothing wrong with a kid being *appropriately* ashamed of his behavior and realizing that he's let people down.

Hang in. Keep a steady course with firm, loving parenting and clear rules that are consistently reinforced. He needs to get through this period; there's no getting around it. With your love and guidance, he'll come out the other side as a loving, well-grounded young man with a terrific future ahead of him.

In my opinion the best way to teach a child how much lying and stealing hurt others is to lie to them and steal from them.

Tell him you are going on his dream vacation, make all the plans ect. Then the next day or a few hours later tell him sorry I lied, we are not going to .. . Then have a frank discussion about how he feels knowing he was lied to; then tell him 'I feel the same way when you lie to me'.

Take his favorite game system or game and hide it. When he comes home from school and sees it is missing say OMG it's been stolen!!! Let him vent--yell whatever. When he calms down talk about how violated he feels that someone would steal his game.

We can never understand how it feels to go through anything until it actually happens to us. I know this sounds very extreme but his behavior could become extreme if you let this go.

The BO issue will go away when he discovers that girls don't have cooties.

please listen to victoria and KN, please do NOT take RR's advice. kids learn what we do, not what we say, and stealing from him to teach him not to steal is reverse psychology gone very wrong.
this is a difficult age. i love that you still give him great quality time with his parents and that he knows he can talk to you. try not to succumb to the temptation to talk him to death, but DO tell him honestly how sad and worried it makes you that you can't trust him. try to set him up for success (don't leave that wallet right out in the open if money is his temptation right now), do offer sensible (not effusive) praise for responsible behavior, and try to give consequences that are natural to the offense, eg if he lies about going to a friend's house, ground him for a week, or if he lies about who he's been texting, take his cell phone for a week.
this too shall pass!
khairete
S.

Lying and stealing isnt a natural part of puberty. It has been my experience ( Boy 18, Girl 20, Girl 13, Girl 7 ) that around this age..is he in junior high? ...school is generally the source...peer pressure and bullying. You have to find out and believe me..no matter how much you complain to the school officials..it dont go away..the grade thing is a good indicator of bullying..kids this age dont tell parents most generally about it..my 13 yr old was bullied everyday when she was 12 and I found out about it when it got to be to much for her and she ran away from school. After 2 soul wrenching hours and the police looking for her, I found out the problem..I was stunned. It has calmed down but hasnt stopped. I am up at the school everytime she tells me something. She finally opened up about everything. Junior high and high school kids are vicious. So much goes on the staff doesnt see everything. I pray your son opens up to you. This is a delicate phase of a pre teen and teens life.