Trouble with My Step-daughter

I know this is tough on you and tough on your step-daughter but you are right in saying enough is enough. The main thing is you and your husband MUST be a united front. You both need to sit her down, lay down some ground rules, explain your expectations of her, behavior, chores, etc... and then follow through. She should start earning some of those special things she's demanding. Do NOT let her manipulate the two of you or be disrepectful. I am remarried and my husband and I always try to work as a team in our parenting. We back each other up at all times and the kids know this.

I also strongly suggest that the three of you get counseling. Again, you and your husband MUST stay united! Otherwise your step-daughter will use you against each other. She needs a place to express her anger and get it out so she's not taking it on the rest of the family. She has a right to feel how she feels BUT there are appropriate ways of showing it and ways that are not appropriate. She needs help finding the right ways to express her grief, hurt and anger. If you can't afford it, get it from your church. Pastors are trained to counsel and offer support. Hope this helps and I will pray for you and your family.

God bless,

Chris

When I seen your message I just had to respond. I have a step-son myself, and I have went through the exact same thing. I have no idea how old your step-daughter is, but I know it's normal for her to act that way. She is afraid you are taking her daddy away. You and your husband need to make your relationship #1. When you put the kids first it makes the relationship unstable. Kids have no idea what they need. They depend on their parents for that. When the kids are always put first your marriage gets neglected, and it makes the whole family unstable. She knows that all she has to do to get what she wants is start whining and acting up. She will continue to act the way she does as long as it's getting her what she wants. My husband and I had to have a long talk with both of our boys. My son was treating him in the same way his son was treating me. We made them understand that they had to listen to us both, and we started enforcing some strict punishments for misbehaving. Yes, she is going through a tough time right now, but making her center of attention and bending over backwards to give her whatever she wants is DEFINITELY not the answer. What she needs is a stable home environment. You and your husband both have to agree, and she has to know that neither one of you are going to put up with her behavior, or else it will never work. Be Strong!! It takes time. Remember that she is the child and you are the adult.

How old is she? How does dad act towards the temper tantrums? Will he back you up or does he think she can do no wrong?
I agree, she needs to feel loved and cherished, but she also needs to know her boundries. You and your husband need to set those boundries. Enough is enough when you do something about her behavior. The main thing to remember is that you need to be firm and consistent. You'll want to stop this behavior now before it turns worse. Communicate with her and let her know that you love her but you cannot and will not allow her to hurt you and others with her words and actions. Don't give in to her every request. If she wants to do something fun, she's going to have to deserve it. Award her good behavior, while letting her know you won't put up with the bad behavior. The one-on-one is a good approach. Also, you and dad need to have a united front. When she sees you together and tries to interfere, have HIM tell her to wait while he greets you and the "grown-ups" have a moment. Before he greets you he can greet her and show her love and attention. After her, you and he need to talk about your day and what you got accomplished or need to get done...etc. Dad is going to have to help show her that her attitude will change. She is loved and needs to show love in return.

Good Luck and best wishes to you all.

Dear A.:
"I don't even want to play with you. The only reason I am is because I am grounded and have nothing better to do."
If you hear something like that, I would put her in a boring room (no toys, no TV) and take the other child in the living room, say with a toy or book. Wait until she apologizes. Explain to her (in private) how hurtful it is. If she refuses, you may have to cancel their play date.
One thought though: Could a line like this come from thinking that you only deal with her because you married her dad? It could be a cry for help, especially if she knows you can hear it. She may be trying to tell you something. Still not acceptable behavior towards her friend...

"Should we continue giving her the special attention that she needs?"
Hell no. Not that kind. But you may want to find out what drives her to such behavior.

Regards,
W.

A.,
I can not imagine what you are going through, but I can imagine what your step daughter is going through, because that was me about 25 years ago. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my father re-married when I was 4. It was all about me and daddy for 2 years and then all of sudden another woman comes into the picture. I couldn't stand her. But not because she wasn't my mother, but because I was jealous of her. She was taking my daddy's time and lessening my time with him. I hated her and in fact I would do things to cause them to argue. This went on for about 12 to 13 years. When I turned 10 my step mom taught me to ride a bicycle. When I turned 15, I finally grew up and realized that hey this woman isn't so bad. She puts up with me and still tries to help me do things. I started to think maybe I should give her chance. Ever since then things have been great between us. She taught me to drive when I was 24 and has been there for me in everything.

Moral of this story is maybe you should just be patient and give your step daughter some time. My suggestion would be stop thinking of her as your step daughter but rather your daughter. This might help you to be more patient with her. I know it's frustrating because I saw that look of frustration on my step mom for 10 or so years. Just relax and take things one day at a time. You'll be surprised when the day comes and your step daughter comes around. No worries.

Also your husband might want to consider spending some one-on-one time with her. Just the 2 of them to show her that he has forgotten about her.

R.

To begin with you need to figure out what drives her behavior. Then you need to figure out how to extinguish her unacceptable behavior. Find something that has meaning to her and take it away from her until she has changed her ways. If she likes watching TV then tell her "if you can be nice to the other kids then you can watch TV?" If she sarts out being nice then changes the TV gets turned off. The key to this working is consistency. Dad has to support you as well and if mom supports you that is great. I don't know how your relationship is with mom but if the two of you work together to have the same rules at each house then things will be better overall. Even to the point of punishment being followed through from one home to the other if you can work with mom on that.

How long have you been married to her dad? How many children do you and your husband have together? In my brief assessment she appears to be angry at you and maybe blames you for the fact that you "stole" her daddy from her mommy. I would suggest that you get the entire family into some family therapy as soon as possible. Blended families are the hardest thing to do. I would start with her then add other family members as the therapist deems appropriate. At some point I would expect step daughter, dad, you, and mom to be involved to be a complete success. Without everyone, you can have a measure of success but it won't be as good unless everyone works together.

Another big thing I see is parents talking bad about the other parents. you may not realize it, but her mom may be showing you disrespect while she is with her. This will transfer to your house when she comes over. Your husband also needs to lay down the law about being disrespectful towards the people in your home and that it won't be tolerated.

Good luck, C.