Treating 8 Yr Old Step Son like My Own Advice?

Sounds like someone needs to get involved with this child and be a parent. When I got my stepdaughter she was pretty helpless at 10. Shw was just ignored a lot and someone did all the work thinking that it was easier than teaching her. I think he is used to it and needs a fresh approach. Looks like you are it. Can you accept the challenge? He may be slow, but he can learn if someone will take enough time. My stepdaughter is so MY DAUGHTER now it was worth every second. Good luck.

It sounds to me like he's looking for attention. It;s possible he needs counseling, I suppose, but it doesn't sound like he has developmental issues, so-to-speak.

Good luck!

Examples about his abilities are: if given a task to pick up something or put something away doesn't follow through with either without asking for help,

So help him. Show him. Sometimes a parent will tell a child, "clean this room" and the child doesn't really know what you mean. Be specific. Try not to be angry or annoyed. See if this helps.

can't shower with out help., turning on water to comfortable temperature,

has anyone showed him or encouraged him to do it alone before? If not, then yes it would be difficult for him.

has problems getting dressed and tieing shoes,
My 8.5 yr old son can dress himself, but still wants me around to help him (as a way for connection) and I've been gently and slowly weaning him of this and Encouraging him. He still can't tie his shoes w/o help. Some kids can, others can't.

doesn't help himself to food unless prepared for him.

He's not a self-starter. Maybe his independence was not encouraged. You can do that. But do it with kindness. I'd be really careful of taking him to experts to get him diagnosed and making him feel like there is something wrong with him. Very careful. Yet, I would try to help him. I would read books (anything I could get my hands on, I have a few ideas, no time now to write them down). So this is tricky.

He sleeps with his mother at his house and recently started sleeping in his own bed at our house.
I'm a Big Fan of co-sleeping. I know it seems weird to most people, but it's fine. Though my 8.5 yr old hasn't needed me to lie w/ him since he was about 5.5. (We kicked him out of the family bed at age 2 and encouraged him to sleep in his own twin/bedroom ever since.) I still lie w/ my 4.5 yr old daughter till she conks out.

He would rather watch t.v than go outside.
Normal (unfortunately) though my son would rather run outside than watch TV and if the outdoors wasn't available, he'd prefer to watch TV all day. (I only allow 1 movie night Friday nights and one 30 minute TV show each child, Sat & Sun.)

Hasn't rode his bike since we took off the training wheels last summer.
Do you ride? Have you tried riding with him? My son is very physical and loves sports. He loves to ride his bike, scooter, razor skateboard, etc... We sometimes ride to school. Not all kids are kinesthetic. What does he love to do? Read? Draw? Create buildings out of blocks or legos?

The more I tell him to go outside and play or dress and feed himself the more it seems he will grow resentful of me.
I would try to connect with him. I would read books about child development and BOYS and see if they shed any light on his personality. I think you would learn a lot. One book I recommend to everyone is DISCOVER YOUR CHILD's LEARNING STYLE
http://www.learningsuccessinstitute.com/

Michael Gurian wrote a book about Boys,
Real Boys by William Pollack

Love him like he's yours. Adopt him into your heart.

Hope this helped.

Dear D.,

From what you have described, it sounds like your step-son is indeed having difficulty in certain developmental and behavioral tasks. I'm wondering, however, is it because he can't do the tasks or he won't do them? Do you know if he has the skills necessary to do the things you ask of him, or does he seem sad, lonely, or troubled about something, and maybe his behavior is trying to tell you what he can't say in words?

Please do whatever is humanly possible to put personal feelings aside and develop some sort of co-parenting relationship with the mother. Yes, I know this is hard, but you don't have to be best friends or hang out together. Whenever there is tension between parents (e.g., your husband and the child's mother), children sense it and feel it. It affects them. Like it or not, you and your husband do share parenting responsibilities with this woman, and you all must act in the best interest of this little boy. He is going to need all the adults in his life to be on the same page and be his champion for whatever it is he needs to correct these issues in order to prevent future problems. (By the way, I am a step-parent, too, and one of the best things that ever happened is when the children's mother and I started talking and being on the same page with regard to the children's behavior).

How about school? What do his teachers say? Surely, they must notice some similar things. How are his grades? Talk to the teacher and find out. If there are issues here, these would be independent observations that would make it more difficult for your husband to deny problems. It may be that he could be tested within the school system and recommendations for addtional services could be made. Start now before the problems get bigger.

Talk to you husband and give him specific examples (like those in your post and whatever his teacher reveals) about where your son is experiencing difficulties. Tell him how much you love this child and want the best for him. Tell him you fear if these things don't get corrected now that he will have trouble later in school as well as just getting along in life, in general. When a child experiences behavior problems that are not addressed early, the problems spread to other areas: academic, social, emotional, etc. This puts the child at risk for a multitude of lifetime problems.

I know you have a lot on your plate with a baby, toddler, grade-schooler, a pre-teen, and a husband in addition to your job, but this little boy really needs attention! Some things you can do right now: turn off the t.v ---take the remote away if you have to and limit t.v. watching to a minimal amount (yes, he will balk, whine, and cry---that's okay. Turn it off, anyway). Get down on the floor with him and do puzzles, play games, read books. Continue to strengthen the loving relationship you have with him, and resentment will not be a problem. Enlist dad to go outside with him and ride bikes, go to the park, toss a ball around. Children are more likely to do activities if the people they love do the activities with them. If there are other stable and healthy adults in the family (grandparents, aunts, uncles), get them to help, too. He needs to be away from the t.v and involved in healthy human interactions that can help him develop the skills he needs or the avenue to express what might be bothering him.

When trying to get him to do something, you first have to know whether he can do the task you're requesting him to do. For example, an 8 year-old should be able to tie shoes and dress self, but CAN he do these things? Do you know if anyone has ever shown him? If not, he needs to learn. You can do this by modeling, step by step, and with lots and lots of patience and repetition. Look for progress, not perfection, and praise all attempts toward the required task. For simple meal preparation, engage him by asking him to do little things like making his own PBJ sandwich, washing the fruits/veggies, etc. Again, if he hasn't been shown, show him how to do it first, and praise all attempts toward task completion. Little by little, he should get it. If not, there is something going on, and he may need some occupational or other therapy.

You seem to be a loving, kind, and concerned parent. Trust your instinct and do whatever is necessary to get this dear child whatever help he needs now. Do not let this go on and risk his problems multiplying. It may not be easy, but don't give up! Whether or not you know it, he is counting on you!

All the best to you and your entire family,

J.

It seems to me that he is her 'baby' and behaves like one. Kids will only be self-sufficient if required to be. There isn't anything wrong with him, he is just use to being provided for, and I'm sure if Mommy can't, his sister is required to/steps in. That is just how they roll at their house, but it doesn't mean you can't have some simple requirements at your house. Just take it slow. The first time, stand behind him and have him adjust the nozzle with you explaining how. The second time, yell down the hallway how to do it, the third time, just tell him that you've seen him do it, and that you are sure he can figure it out. He may get a cold shower, but it won't be long before he decides to turn the knob back and forth. Just be positive, let go of your own expectations for him, as he is hers, and love him. He probably responds well to love, most kids do. Good luck!

D. M .... GREAT NEWS - it's an 8-year-old-boy-thing! I am the mother of 4 children of "my own".... 13 Yr old DD, 9 YR B/G Twins, and a 5 YR DS....guess what? My 9 year old boy is, well....everything you described in your stepson. He just turned 9 in December...his twin -- nothing like him. So, yes, for now, you're going to have to say things OVER and OVER and OVER again. Eventually, it will get better. I promise.
Take care,
~L.

PS - My girls are T Totally different! Always have been.

Tough call D.. It sounds like Mom & Dad are enabling him. Those are all things he should be doing on his own, however it is not uncommon for kids to not have good follow through at that age (and then some). I think your biggest problem is the lack of communication between the two parents, in which may be upsetting him. Is he on any type of meds that may be making him feel sluggish? He kind of sounds depressed. In that case, you have to get him moving, take him to the park be sure he eats right, drinks plenty of water, not too many sugars, no dyes in the food, vitamin supplements, and sunshine in his life. What happens if you turn off the TV and just listen to music? Will he keep himself busy?

It is such a tough call to stick your neck out in a situation like this. Of course you only mean well and want to help, however sometimes you are the bad guy for doing so. My nephew, BIL & SIL lived with us for 11 months. During that time, I noticed the mother was not helping with things so of course I became more curious with what she did all day while we were at work. I would come home some nights and the lights would be out and my nephew would be in the room with his mother and he would be screaming. I would ask what was wrong and she would tell me he didn't want to go to sleep. I would remind her it was 6:00 pm and he probably wasn't tired. She would tell me she didn't feel good or had a head ache, so I would tell her to give him to me. Well, her face would have sheet imprints and be all red. Her hair would be standing up and smashed in on one side and it was obvious she had been there all day. Then I noticed a bottle of wine missing and so on. I mentioned it to my husband and he tells me she is fine. Not satisfied, I mention it to my MIL and she is a bit annoyed and tells me she is the nicest girl and they may have had a glass of wine together when she lived with her, but she does not have a problem. I told her what happened a few times and the MIL tells me that maybe she did have a headache...did I ever think of that? I could tell by this point I was going to be the bad guy, however this girl had a problem.

As right as I was, I never did get any recognition for this. The FIL finally started asking questions when they moved out and the mom was never around to answer the phone and the then 4 year old could not be understood because he still goo-goo'd like a baby. She is now gone and my BIL raises my nephew who still suffers from being slow mentally and in maturity.

I guess if you are going to say anything, have a way to prove it before you say it. Or just work with him on your own. If it is anything that I went through, they will never believe you and will want to brush it under the carpet. If at all possible, volunteer to go along to a PED visit if hubby does that and check on what the milestones are for that age group with the PED and see if she/he will suggest some therapy to get him caught up. Maybe you can find some of these milestones on the web, although denial is denial and some people feel stats don't mean anything.

Hi D.,

Wow, I can relate so well to your circumstance. The first and formost issue is this.....though he is not your own child, and the other parents are basically leaving decisions up to you when he is in your care, then you have to make a decision. What kind of relationship are you going to have with him, now and in the future? It comes down to you. I know it doesn't seem fair at times, you feel put upon, and not supported, but bottom line is.....are you willing to step up in the best interest of this child. Based on your concern, I would say yes. The next decision, once you decide on the depth and care of this child is how to approach his behavior. Based on your description of his actions, he is VERY insecure. He needs a lot of love, consistancy, quality time and structure to feel any sense of security. If he has not been trained in bathing, if no one has spent time with him while he masters his bike, if he doesn't feel comfortable playing outside, then you have to analyze the situation and create solutions. I don't feel you are out of bounds stepping up to these challenges if no one else will. It sounds like you may be his only saving grace. He is technically a middle child, and is getting lost in the shuffle. He's also a boy, and he needs his daddy to step up and help make his environment loving and secure. I think counseling is a great idea, but I think it should be with you, dad and your stepson. Meanwhile, even though you may not love him as your own, and as a mom in the same circumstance I understand, you can love him as a child and family member. It's unfortunate, but you may have to take this in stride without support from the other parents as I had to......the result was that I have a great loving relationship with my step-daughter and to this day she thanks me for stepping in. PS: please don't take this the wrong way, but unless you are talking about grabbing a snack from the pantry designated and approved, no 8 year old should have to prepare his own meals unless it is an activity that you are sharing with him. This leads to bad eating habits and obesity in children. I apologize if I sound harsh, I just see that this is another issue that may be easily solved if understood as a health factor.

Blessings,
A.

This is a hard one since, from what you have described, it could be a number of things you are dealing with. Some of the issues that come to mind are:

Depression
Nutritional Deficiencies
Developmental Delays
Auditory Processing Disorder
Laziness

How is he doing at school? Is he able to stay on task and complete assignments during class time? Is he able to carry through on teacher directives? Is his teacher concerned about his performance in the classroom and PE? Is he making friends at school? If your answer is "yes" to most of these questions, I would try to urge your husband to request that the school do an assessment of his skills.

Sorry I can't be of any more help. Good luck to you and your family.

I will tell you my experience here....I have an 8.5 yr old that is NOT a self starter, sounds much like the child you described. He needs to be told to do absolutely everything, and then still wants me to help him. There is nothing wrong with him. In every other way he is normal in his development. So I would say it is a personality thing. Or maybe something "different" with him, but not a medical condition! (My 5 y.o. does things for himself more than the 8.5!)I noticed this a long time ago about my oldest and have been trying to promote his independence this whole time. I try NOT to do too much for him but I have learned he just needs more assistance than others his age. My son is getting better but I have to be VERY specific with directions. For example, one thing I want is when he comes downstairs in the morning, he should bring his clothes for the day down with him. It has taken a long time for this simple thing to take hold, but now he does it every day, after MUCH repetition! Praise when he does it right! You can even do a reward system (allowance? extra tv time? Movie night? or just a HUG or high-five?) when he follows thru on your SPECIFIC requests. Write them down even. As for the bike ride thing, again, not a self starter, I will sometimes have to go outside with my son, help him find his helmet...just get him started, then he's off and on his own to a friends house down the street. You may have to set out the cereal and bowl for him in the morning, etc. BTW I have always been in communication with his teachers, I ask them how he does in class (with these issues) and tell them that it's something we work on at home. They all tell me he does need direction but he is motivated in the classroom and is even a leader sometimes. If I were in your shoes (being the step mom) I think I would first talk to the teacher if possible. Just ask him/her if they have noticed anything in this department to be concerned about? Any ways you can help at home? And delays in fine/gross motor skills noticed? (Tying shoes will be difficult if the child has a fine motor problem, how is his writing?) As for your question: to mind your own business or let him figure things out? I would say NEITHER. YOU must be involved! But you also can't just let "him figure things out". This child needs you, in a gentle manner, to explain your specific request. Explain every task in detail and ask if he understands your directions (how the shower works, etc) Make a checklist for him. Ask what he needs from you to help him accomplish these things. Anyway that's my 2 cents. I have no idea if your step son has something different going on but everything you wrote sounded so much like my son, I just had to respond. Good Luck!!

A lot of those items sound like an 8 year old that has a lot done FOR him. Maybe his mom does those things for him without asking because she does not want the argument, etc. or she is just having a hard time letting go.

OR... Perhaps it is because there is not any co-parenting going on in the situation and this is a source of attention. If there is a way to get together with his mom for his sake and discuss the situation and try to come to an agreement so that he is getting the same thing in both places, I am certain you would see an improvement!

I will pray for your family, I really feel for you and mostly for him.

God Bless You all!

I don't have much advice to offer, but to let you know you are not alone. I ama stepmom to an 11 year old boy who lives with us and a 8 year old girl who lives with their mom. He just moved in with us last year after much pleading (although my husband has wanted it this way all along, their mother finally agreed).

We have had such a hard time with him and never noticed this type of behavior before he lived with us. It seems to get worse, not better. I also work full time and have a 12 month old girl. So our situations are very similar.

Since he is a little older than your stepson, he is doing most things on his own as far as showering, dressing, eating meals, but beyond that forget it! We've taken him to the doctor who noticed that he has a hard time answering questions when asked, but didn't really give any idea to the problem or solution. His teacher says he's normal 5th grade boy. He gets along great with his friends and can carry normal conversations with them, but it seems we ask him something and he doesn't know how to talk??

We only ask him to keep his bedroom and bathroom clean, and feed and water the dogs everyday. Boy you would think those are the crummiest things on earth!!! We have to get onto him EVERYDAY for the littlest things, like picking up dirty socks on the floor. We will not say anything for a few days just to see how long he will leave them there and he knows we will get onto him. We have come to the conclusion that he is lazy enough that he'd rather leave them there and wait for us to get onto him than just do it and not get yelled at. That goes with everything.

He is a video game and tv fanatic and would do that day and night if he could. We took those away from him for the longest time and it seemed to help a little, but slowly gave those privileges back to him because he needs some entertainment in his life. He does go out and play with his friends every now and then, but only if we tell him to or friends come looking for him first.

As far as your question on how much you should do... I try to let my husband deal with it. If my husband is not home or there's something really important I will deal with the situation myself. My husband is finally coming around with realizing there is a problem and gets more frustrated than me sometimes now. I've learned that if you always complain to him about something, he will get on the defense, but if you let him notice himself then it will finally hit him that there is a problem.

Good luck with everything!!

D., I am certainly no expert nor have experience with an issue such as this, but this doesn't sound right developmentally. I would discuss this with your husband and it sounds like you both will have to sit down with your stepson's mother and get involved for the sake of the child. You yourself may have to make the first move with the child's mother -- and perhaps with a doctor in order to prove to your husband that something is going on. In matters such as these, parents must put aside their differences and do what is needed and right to help the child. I wish you the very best of luck.

It sounds like he might be suffering from depression or some other emotional problem. I think there has to be communication with all three parents, maybe you and your husband need to mend your relationship with his mother.

I commend you for wanting to treat your step-children as your own. Children all grow and develop at different rates as you've already seen with your own children. I have three boys and they're all different. Different physically, in personality, and in their capabilities. He's obviously experienced tremendous changes between his father and his biological mother. Separation, divorce, merging and combining new family members can cause and affect kids in so many ways to include all the examples you've given. He's not the baby in your house, but at his mother's, he is. I don't necessarily think it's Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)... I think it's just him and his age and no, it doesn't just go away. He's sounds normal to me, but I don't live in your house. You have to keep at him with reminders and giving him attention, but it needs to be firm (not harsh or abusive)AND loving. I have three boys ages 5-12 and they have done/are doing what you've described. I know it's more difficult since you don't have open lines with the mother and you don't want to offend your hubby by saying that something is "wrong" with HIS older son. That will definitely not help the climate at home and you're right, it could very well make your step-son resent you. You can't compare him to his sister, so to be fair, just don't do it. This is all stuff you probably already know... I just know that merging families and being a step parent can be difficult. May be you could try spending "special" time with just him. I know you have younger kids to take of that need your attention, but that could get him to open up with you and it provides "positive" attention and gains his trust in you. It will display to your son (and hubby)that your not just focused on the fact that you think there is something wrong with him. I read what Ali and a few other moms wrote and they are right on the money. I wish you well!

Sincerely,
A.

I also think he's just not a self starter but normal. In talking to other mothers of sons this sort of behavior is not unique -- just a sort of well kept seceret. I think our views of what boys should be like dosen't jive with this subset of boy behavior so we think something must be wrong. I say it's just different. I also suspect that when I'm old and gray he's going to be the child that visits the most. The advice I would add is observe and discover his interests - focus his tv viewing around that (history channel, whatever). And take family field trips ( get out of the house)-- into stars- observatory --Rome --the getty villa, etc. Go to the library and check out books on his interests - have him create a project and talk about it at dinner. Lastly, remember no one goes off to college with his mom to turn on the shower. He'll master these things soon enough.

ok, i'm a step mom and my son has a step parent, so here's my advice. in a way, like in my situation, your "step-son" doesn't have another mom so, because you are creating a family, you are his mom for all intents and purposes. he knows you're not his mom, but he has to learn to rely on you as if you were. he has to trust you to take care of him. he may be perfectly normal, he may need some help. being that you're not an expert and you don't know of his past, to me, it's better to be an overprotective mom than a "step-mom" who sits on the side lines. if you are taking care of him full time (as i think i understand), then you need to take him to the doctor, talk to his teacher, help him in any way you can as if he was your own. doing this will make you both feel closer to each other. if it's nothing, at least you know and you've had extra time with him. if it's something, then you can be there with him thru it. i just believe, once you create a family in whatever way you do (marriage, birth, adoption, whatever) then it's your family and you must do what you can!
good luck. let me know if you need any referals, etc. it sounds, in my humble opinion like there might be some delays. good luck!!!!!

Girl, i feel your pain! I am a step mother and it is my most challenging task in life. I love my step children, they are a gift. They have been raised to have different values, rules etc. Mine are 17 and 15. They have no initiative, no drive, no dreams, they are like bumps on logs. It is difficult, they need direction for every move. The mom would not appreciate my ideas or concerns so it is a battle that i have to deal with inside which becomes extremely difficult. I am excited to read some reponses and hopefully be encourgaed.

If you think something is wrong, you are probably right. The problem is how do you address it w/ no help from his mom and dad in denial. Which parent does he live w/ more? Who has medical insurance for him? You could start w/ a visit to a child psychologist (assuming you have the legal right to take him to a DR.) The psych. can help you decide if there are physical, mental or just behavioral issues to deal with and then help you plan how to deal with it. If you carry his medical insurance start there, but if not are you permitted to communicate with his teacher at school? You can request the school test him for special ed. issues, but unless he is failing in school the school may try to tell you it isn't their problem - however if you request testing in writing they must do it. Feel free to e-mail me if you want referrals for specific services. (My oldest has a range of issues(autism, depression, OCD, ODD, ...) and my youngest deals w/ severe ADHD.)

Your step son is lucky to have someone who notices that he needs help in his life. Sounds like there may be some auditory processing issue. Kids with auditory processing issues often have a hard time following verbal multi step instructions. While some like TV - the stories are narrative and they can follow them- do him a favor and make the no TV during day light hours a must. Just turn it off.

If your husband is being an ostrich perhaps you can find someone who will push the right buttons. Maybe the teacher can reccomend testing, or a clergy member or grand parent can talk to him? If none of these will work just tell your husband the you are having the school test the boy. I'd also suggest a good therapist. If this child does not have learning issues, and even if he does, all of this is a cry for help. Don't give up advocating for him - every kid need's one, and it sounds like you are it. Good luck.

It is rough sometimes when you are step parent, because you don't really have much of a say in what happens, other than supporting your husband. Even though you see a problem going on, the mom and dad are not ready/able to see it. The more that you try and press the issue with them, the mom may tell you that he is not your concern and not your son. The best you can do in this situation is to try to convince your husband that an evaluation is needed. Look at his grades/behavior at school. Talk to the teachers to see what can be done to help him improve and whether they can recommend evaluation. Talk to his doctors to ask whether there are underlying medical concerns which could be the problem. When you interact with your stepson, model how to do tasks as many times as it takes for him to be successful. Don't nag him, just be supportive as much as you can and show him that you care. Best of luck to you.

I would talk to his teacher. She/He sees the child for 6 to 8 hours a day (besides you and his father the only other adult who interacts with him the most). They will either support your concerns, give you a more positive outlook, and/or tips on how to help him become more successful and independent at home. Teachers can also let you know if he is behaving like other 8 year olds, etc.
I would recommend that the child's father come to the school meetings with you. If the child is behind developmentally then he is hearing it from another adult and more importantly a professional.
He may just need more attention from the adults in his life. Someone else mentioned that you (stepmother) need to really love him unconditionally. This is so very true. He didn't divorce his mom nor did he marry you. He is only a product of his father and mother's decisions.
I hope I have helped in some small way!

I know I'm late but I have an 8 year old also. He is a slacker at somethings and great at others. Like Showering he will get in and stand or sit and let the water hit him, but won't wash his hair or body, unless you are standing their watching. Cleaning up, egnores me until I make it a game of Lets see if we can clean this whole mess in 10 minutes and we watch the clock till the number turns then we start. Homework, I have to sit their with him, sometimes it's, I'll bet I can fold this laundry before you can finish this page. He learned to tie his shoes in Kindergarden but has forgotten because he doesn't where the kind that tie. As for his Bike, I made him learn young so it would be easier, but to this day he prefers the scooter. And the only time he gets on his bike is when we all go for a bike ride.

I guess my point is his mommy babies him and needs to because of the divorce issues, she probably thinks he needs this special treatment and to sleep with mommy will help him deal with it better. NOT, he needs someone to teach him how to be a big boy, Play games with him for the things he needs help with. Set a timer for the shower let him know what he needs to do in the 10 minutes even if you have to make a list and hang it in the shower. Teach him everyday to tie his shoes, when he gets good don't stop make him show you 3 times how to tie along with his homework. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable about helping himself to food. Buy some kid meals and teach him how to cook them in the microwave and read the directions on the box. My son can cook kid meals, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, popcorn, oat meal along with useing the stove for top roman, mac-N-cheese, and the oven for already made cookie doughs and little frozen pizzas. He loves that he can make something for himself and it's not a hand full of crackers or cookies and chips. Teach him he will be greatful, and teach him to help you with the little ones, make him fill important, then praze him for these things. And maybe go out for ice cream or frozen yogart, your own special treat for just the 2 of you. Maybe let him pick a place to go for a step mom and step son date. Chucky cheese is great. If he knows that you care he will step up to the plate. Good luck! J.

Hi!

I am a school psychologist and would definitely recommend having your step-son tested. Whenever parents are on the fence about having a child tested, I tell them that the sooner a child is tested, the sooner they can get the interventions/help they need. Please, for your own piece-of-mind and certainly, for the sake of your step-son, go get him tested. I am actually surprised that his teacher(s) haven't stated any concerns. If he's doing fine in school, but is very dependent at home, then you need to look at what the differences are in expectations between home and school. Hope this helps!

There's a lot of good advice being sent to you. I raised 2 step kids one boy one girl(already out of the house now)I would definately talk to his teacher. But he sounds perfectly normal to me. Some kids take longer to be in charge of their own stuff. All personalities are different. He is only 8 yrs.Not the end of the world to help him with the shower,shoes etc. I agree with the mom that said help and lovingly explain as you go. I learned that I had to repeat and repeat everyday and I gave up being mad or upset about it.Sometimes we even joked about it.The time is going to go by so fast. Then he will be all grown up. Be the parent that is loving, gentle and kind most of the time. You want him to feel like he's safe in your house. Not judged, not the one who is not up to par. Positive reinforcement.Point out his strengths and build on that.They are little and because of divorse very fragile.We forget that their lives aren't how they want it to be but we expect them to act as if it is.He probably doesn't even know how he feels.Don't expect him to grow up faster than he's ready. It will come.In the meantime enjoy building a close relationship with him.You'll be so glad u did when he's older.Sometimes it's extra hard when their personalities are so different from our own. Change your focus and your heart. You won't regret that. It's so not easy but so worth it. You can do it. Good Luck. Deb G

Mind your own business!! (I have 4 steps 21,20,16,12) Make sure your husband feels supported and gradually let all of your opinions, which sound correct by the way, become your husband's idea. My hubby was absolutly opposed to his daughter getting tubes in her ears. I knew she was really in bad shape and was going to lose hearing. She was VERY shy and often didn't respond when spoken to or just said wha? I told my hubby for a year that he needed to do something. Eventually I gave up. Finally Dad had this idea, 'something he saw on TV' and decided to do the tubes. The shy girl who 'wasn't bright' started talking immediatly and her grades improved. She couldn't hear! We have had many experiences like that. They are HIS kids, they have their own Mom. You aren't a parent, you're a 'bonus parent' or advocate. That means that you get to be supportive of the child and the child has an authority figure to trust. It may not seem like a big deal now but the more you stay out of it the more likely he'll be to come to you with problems. My steps would never take candidly to their mom or dad about teen issues like sex and drugs but they feel safe with me. It is wonderful that my step daughter can talk with me about these things and not have to stumble thru the hard stuff alone. For children of divorce one of the most important people in those years is the step parent. You have to lay the ground work now. Good luck with helping your hubby 'remember' all of his good ideas. You should stay involved but just change your strategy. You need to ambush instead of fighting head on! You are on the right track so continue to trust yourself.

Hello D.,

My first step would be to speak to his teacher. They are skilled in teaching kids and knowing how to handle learning disablilties. She would be a good source to coach you into what you can do at home to help your child.

Have the school test him. That way you have a foundation to start with if by chance you need to talk to his ped.

Best of luck...

Your boy sounds like a lot of other boys, my house if full of them all the time! Yes, I'd say to listen to whatever in you that lead you to ak the question about letting him figure things out sounds like smartest approach on your part. Teachers WILL tell you if your child has problems worth evaluating. Too young to start the counseling-road, be accepting and loving instead of critical and that will alone will bring a change in the boy. You just enjoy your own precious baby! Alicia