My husband and I left our then 13.5mo with my mother for four nights while we left the country for a "work vacation". I hate to assign labels, but I think that he's been somewhat traumatized by the experience. Now, three months later, he still gets nervous and clingy whenever we go visiting them or they come to our house. He's more clingy than he was before we left. He sticks very close for about 5-10 minutes, before venturing out to play on his own. I don't like forcing a child into situations that are so uncomfortable that they get themselves all cried out and then don't trust. People say that kids don't remember, but I do, and I have the issues to prove it.
My question is this: Can you tell me some non-CIO ways to help him past this point? Currently, I call in the evenings and let him get used to hearing from her more often and saying good night. He kisses the phone and smiles. We have extended visits at their house, and he's pretty comfortable moving around over there. They (my mother and her husband) also visit with us, and he seems comfortable with that. The problem comes in when it looks like my husband and I are leaving him.
Second question: Is it possible that he just doesn't like my mother? I know that toddlers are not always consistent in their responses to people; sometimes they have warm greetings, and sometimes they will ignore those same people. He doesn't often greet my mother with hugs and kisses. He kinda blows her off like she is just anybody else he knows. He often has to be prompted to give her hugs and kisses, maybe half the time or more. I'm pretty sure that that hurts her feelings, but I don't like the idea of forcing children to hug and kiss if they don't want to. (No, I'm not one who wants to let them do whatever the hell they want. I just think that at a certain age, forcing that on them can teach them to ignore their own personal red flags regarding touching.)
ETA: He didn't always hold on for that long before playing at home or at their house. He would just move around like he owned the place.
Regarding CIO--just thinking in terms of leaving him with them and letting him cry for a while. I prefer not to do that.
He used to greet my mother with hugs and kisses, and now he's backed off of that. I'm referring to changes in his behavior that might seem like regression, however insignificant.
Marda P. - You're hitting it. My mother's visits are pretty much about him and not us, so it's that much more obvious when he pushes her away. We can sit around and watch TV, but she wants to be engrossed in his world, and he doesn't want to be bothered. I think that I've been wondering lately if I should be doing something more or if my go-with-the-flow-and-play-it-by-ear approach has been too lax. (Yep, this over-thinker also plays it by ear.)
Dad on Purpose - Lol, what are you talking about? When I said that I call my mother, I'm talking about giving her a call so her grandson can talk to her, and that happens maybe a couple of times a week, depending on what he's doing and saying. I feel your pain, though.
Fanged Bunny - Sounds good. No, I don't think that I have the issue. I want him to be healthy, and I am not one to think, "Oh, he needs me!" I want to be there for him if he wants Mommy, but I don't insist that he want Mommy. I give him a kiss and tell him bye-bye and that I'll see him "in a bit". That's how I let him know that I'll be back. Sometimes he is cool with that; sometimes he wants an extra hug. Whenever I feel the "Oh, my baby doesn't need me for that anymore" tug, I smile through it because I encourage him to grow and develop. I am careful not to hold him back because of any"needs" on my part.
Sounds good--just checking! I spent so much time caring for other people's children and forgot some of this stuff for my own. Unfortunately, my "over-thinking" has nothing to do with his being my only child. His being the only one only affects how many questions I ask you guys. I over-think with other people's children, too, and many other aspects of my life; I just don't express every thought. It's how I'm made.
Thanks for your responses. I'm on the right track.
I know it's hard, but I think you're over analyzing. It's separation anxiety & is common in kids that age.
I know you don't like CIO, but what you need to remember is that the crying usually stops right after you leave. It's the prolonged goodbyes that make things worse.
Just remember that it's a phase & he will grow out of it.
Or could it be good old separation anxiety? My DD has done weird things - like refuse to say good bye or good nite (because if she doesn't say it, it doesn't happen, right?). I would continue to encourage them to know each other, but at 13 months there is so much that could be going on it's hard to say if it was just the vacation or not. If he doesn't give her hugs and kisses, she should still say good bye and try not to be offended. I think this will pass.
I think perhaps YOU are the one who was traumatized by the work vacation. This age normally doesn't like to be separated from Mom or Dad. Separation Anxiety. This is just another stage in your child's life.
I suggest that this is the usual separation anxiety that starts at this age. I suggest he isn't traumatized. In fact if this happened some time ago he probably doesn't even remember it. Babies have no long term memory.
Note: I remember things from 3 and 4 but not 1 year. Some things I do remember independently but many I remember because they were family stories.
I see my 14 month old granddaughter several times/week. She has begun to not want to leave her mom or dad's arms. Sometimes she doesn't want anything to do with me or even her brother and sister. She's only happy in Daddy's arms. Other times she'll play on the floor and even show me things but she doesn't want me to hold or kiss her.
This is an age when independence starts to set in and separation anxiety gets real.
I agree to not force her to interact with anyone. Just hold her until she wants to get down. Don't talk about it, even. You greet your parents as usual and ignore what your baby does. That way she doesn't get into the crying cycle.
I suggest that if you're leaving him you do what you'd do with any other caretaker. Hold him for a bit, then get him started playing with something, tell him goodbye, you'll be back and leave. Then grandma plays with him or even just hold him until he's thru crying. Sympathize with him. It's OK to cry when left. Being left is painful and knowing you'll return is a difficult lesson to learn.
I suggest that you can gradually work up to leaving him for longer periods of time. Start out by staying away for only 10 minutes before returning. This works for some babies but not all. If it doesn't help, I suggest that you just have to leave and let him and grandma work it out.
What is grandma's demeanor around him? Is she clingy, wanting him to come to her or does she let him make up his own mind? Often we try too hard to get someone's attention resulting in the child to push that person away.
It's likely a little separation anxiety. He's associated her with you leavinghim for a few days. At this age, they don't really "know " you're coming back (especially since you didn't at least once for several days). Just keep doing what you're doing. Might also consider adding a baby sign for "be right back" and you and DH use it EVERYTIME you leave him so that he begins to know you will come back. We have to do this too because of some visitation that was truly traumatic. We're working through it with our LO, but it takes time. I agree ... They do remember and associate certain things. Right now, ours is afraid of certain stores, 'cause that's where the visitation happened. We try to visit those stores daily for a good experience to help outweigh the bad. Best wishes.
I'm going to offer up two conflicting bits of advice. Use either or both, or neither if neither seem to feel right to you.
1. play peekaboo. in your own home with you "disappearing" around the corner for longer and longer stretches at a time. it makes your leaving a game, and builds his confidence in your returning.
2. if you choose to leave him with your mom again, don't leave for a short stretch of an hour or so, but leave for 4+ hours. That way if he gets unsettled, he has a chance to wrap his head around the fact that he is there and in your mom's care. He might settle down and they can do something fun/rewarding for him together. This might work out better than leaving for 10 minutes, then leaving for 15, then leaving for 20. That might only have him worked up over and over again.
one last thought, and not a suggestion. could it be that some of the sep anxiety is on your part? our manny would pick up our DS from my parents. for the first 2 months, DS would invariably cry on pick up, but manny reports, would be settled and smiling by the time they reached the corner. My parents though, poor dears, were concerned that DS was anxious without them, and would insist on walking along with manny to our apt. manny reported that DS would cry for a minute or so after they left, and then was fine. The prolonged good bye did not alleviate the tears, it just postponed them.
good luck to you and yours,
F. B.
I think there are a couple of things going on... I do think he associates his grandparents with his parents leaving. Smart kid! The only thing to help is what you are doing- let him be clingy for the 5-10 min and go one his own. Once he realizes you are not leaving he is ok. Studies have repeatedly shown that this is the right way to go. Just be supportive of him and don't force anything!
Also, at this age, they get a new, and sometimes more intense, form of stranger anxiety. This often surprises some parents because it is much more intense and widespread than the one that occurs about 6 months of age. Again, what you are doing is the right thing- letting him talk on the phone and not forcing him when he is in their presence.
One other thing I would suggest- when they come to your house and once your son is comfortable, have grandma take him outside or to the park. He is on familiar territory, so less inclined to be anxious about it. Go slowly and lengthen the time that they spend with each other.
And remember, This, too, shall pass!
**Adding this:
A baby/child, also can get over-stimulated and overly bothered.
Then they will pull away. Or get fussy (because they don't talk succinctly like an adult nor have the vocabulary yet).
So, I would tell Grandma, not to get so hovering. Again- a child this age and even until 3 years old, they do what is called Parallel-Play.
And if your child needs space, then Grandma needs to do that.
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I would not, "expect" a child this age to greet other people with hugs and kisses. Nor make him do that.
Kids this age don't even know social rules and they don't even have social skills yet.
Kids this age do what is called "Parallel Play." They do not interact nor play, like older children. Children parallel-play... even up to 3 years old And this is normal.
At this age, personally, I would not make a child have to... give hugs and kisses to someone, if they don't want to. Your Mom should not get offended. This is about child development. Your child is only 1 year old.
For me, I went by my child's cues.... and did not want them to feel they HAD TO kiss/hug someone if they were uncomfortable or did not want to. Why? Because I wanted them to know themselves, and about how to follow their instincts.
Now, at this age, there is also separation-anxiety and stranger-anxiety, and so MANY phases.
So many phases.
For example: my son when about your child's age, he was SO afraid of an Uncle. Even if he knew him. Why? Well, because this Uncle has really unruly crazy bushy hair. And he looks like a caveman.
Oh well.
And separation-anxiety, is something that occurs at MANY ages... and it is manifested differently, per age. It is not just in babies.
Then well, I assume your parents are kid friendly, and good about child care and safe and caring.
My granddaughter got that like with my neice right about the same age. She liked my niece A LOT at first. Then my niece came to the house, picked up my granddaughter (GD,her mom and dad lived with me) and took her out for an afternoon. The first time was fine. The second time, she was crying like crazy when they left the house. The next time my niece came to the house, my GD started crying really hard as soon as she saw her and clung to her mother like we were trying to throw her into a fire!
My niece is absolutely wonderful so we know that it wasn't anything she did. I think my GD just didn't want to go with her and started to associate seeing her with leaving mommy. I have found that right about 12 - 15 months, kids get a little clingy anyway so this just made it worse.
Tell your mom not to take it personally and very soon it will pass and she will be your LO's favorite. After all, what kid can resist a loving grandma!
Sounds like this likely has little to do with grandma and a whole lot to do with separation anxiety from his parents who left him with grandma for 4 days. At this age, separation is huge. The two most important people in his world took him to grandmas house and left for days and days. That was traumatic for him, and he's terrified that the two most important people in his life are going to do that again or maybe even worse - not come back.
Start telling him every time you leave him anywhere "mommy always comes back." When you pick him up, tell him, "See? What do we know about mommy? Mommy always comes back!" Over time, he'll learn to trust that you are going to come back and won't need to be so terrified. Also, you are going to have to leave and let him cry a few minutes because some of that is done for show and some is cured by "out of sight, out of mind."
Updated
Sounds like this likely has little to do with grandma and a whole lot to do with separation anxiety from his parents who left him with grandma for 4 days. At this age, separation is huge. The two most important people in his world took him to grandmas house and left for days and days. That was traumatic for him, and he's terrified that the two most important people in his life are going to do that again or maybe even worse - not come back.
Start telling him every time you leave him anywhere "mommy always comes back." When you pick him up, tell him, "See? What do we know about mommy? Mommy always comes back!" Over time, he'll learn to trust that you are going to come back and won't need to be so terrified. Also, you are going to have to leave and let him cry a few minutes because some of that is done for show and some is cured by "out of sight, out of mind."
wow I think from all of your posts regarding your son you sound like a mom to an only kid to a T (I am ne so I feel for you). Stop over evaluating the behviours of a baby. Most kids do that. I never slept away from my daughter at that age at all and she would freak if I left...even with her dad, and I'd have to sneak out while she was busy.
If I tried to leave her at the gym daycare she';d cry the entire time so they'd always call M. back. Why? you asy did she do this? Because I was a first time mom and ALWAYS came back...and she was and is stubborn! She knew if she cried even if it was an hour I'd come back, and she was genuninely upset. Yea I never ended up worknig out.
Any time I've watched my nieces or nephews at this age, the same thing.
Its common. Hes not traumatized by you going away. He's a kid and wants his mommy.
I'm a little confused.
A child that age sticking close to the parents for 5 to 10 minutes before running off to play? How is that not normal? My kids spent a LOT of time at my in laws and other peoples' homes when they were little but there was always a bit of shyness and adjustment upon arriving. They just sat with me until they felt comfortable enough to get up and play. 5 to 10 minutes sounds about right, depending on the time of day, the length of the drive and the individual child of course.
And what does he need to cry it out for? That's a bedtime term, right? Is he having sleeping issues at night?
