Traditional Proposal

I would say the man probably does not get the ring! LOL! I don't think there's anything abnormal about doing that. It's not old school in my opinion, but what does that even mean anymore?? DO IT! :) I think it's a great idea! Let us know how it goes!! Afetr he says yes it is a good time to tell him how you deserve a nice ring for all the nervousness! :)

Hi Bonnie,

I see you've got a range of opinions here, but I'll add mine as well for whatever it is worth. I am currently a single mother and I am engaged to be married. We are to be married in July.

I personally would not ask a man to marry me. However, I did do a couple of things. One, I let Stephen know when we were first dating that my goal was to be married again, and that if he was not interested in pursuing marriage at all, then we didn't need to be dating. Secondly, I let him know that I wouldn't wait forever. I don't think it takes long to find out if a person is someone you could spend the rest of your life with or not.

Also, I refused to live with him without being married. I told him that was absolutely not possible. I would not attempt to blend a family (he has a son, and I have 3 children) without a commitment first. It is too hard to blend a family in the first place, and then add to that the ability to walk out the door if someone becomes too unhappy with the situation! No way! I want to know that we both intend to live the rest of our lives together and we are committed to our relationship first before I ask my children to live with this person and accept this person as a part of the family.

There are also a few other aspects worth discussing. Think about the REASON you want to be married to this man. And why you aren't willing to wait for him to propose to you.

You see, I made it clear to Stephen that I did not NEED to be married for any reason. I can care for my own emotional needs and physical needs, I can care for my own children, etc. I want to be married because I wish it for myself. I prefer being connected and committed to someone else. I prefer being in partnership. And because it is the highest honor you can give another person...to stand in front of a person's family and friends and vow that you intend to live the rest of your life with this person come what may.

So, if your boyfriend is not currently ready to honor you in this way, how can you make him? He may agree to marry you because he doesn't want to hurt you or to lose you, but is that the right reason to get married? He may say no, and are you ready to end the relationship if he does?

Stephen has been a single man for 10 years and he has gone out with many, many women (and why not, he is a gorgeous, sweet and sexy!). In that 10 year period, he has proposed to 2 women. The first one, he admits, was a rebound relationship after his divorce. However, when it came down to actually planning the wedding, he got more and more nervous and ended the relationship. He said that since then many of his girlfriends haven't so much asked him to marry them, but have asked, "Are you ever going to ask me to marry you?" and he would immediately say, "No, I don't see our relationship going there." What is a woman to do?

Then he has proposed to me. I thought he might propose to me last summer, but he waited until the week before Thanksgiving. He had decided he wanted to announce it to his family at Thanksgiving dinner. I was feeling impatient, but it turned out to be so great! His family was SO HAPPY!

So, what I'm saying is this. Be patient and wait. If he loves you enough to marry you, nothing will keep him from asking.

And if you are impatient to ask because of some emotional or physical NEED you are feeling, then you need to address that in your own life and heart. Another person can NEVER meet the needs that you are meant to meet for yourself, and you can't expect another person to do so. You need to be full and complete in yourself FIRST before you attempt to join your life with another.

L.

Hi Bonnie,
I'm a local mom with 9 years experience as an event planner. Three years ago I opened my own business and have extended my experience to include wedding planning. Traditional ways for many seem to fall by the wayside or are no longer the "norm" when it comes to any part of wedding planning - starting with the proposal and ending with the honeymoon! Some women for example have changed the total structure of tradition, by extending their wedding party to include their best male friend(s) standing in the place traditionally held for the maid of honor or bridesmaids.

With all that said, you asked for a woman's opinion on the subject, of traditional proposals, and personally I have to tell you that I remain a pretty traditional gal when it comes to marriage proposals.

In today's society of wedding planning, I've realized that anything goes, and there really is no "norm". Tons of etiquette suggestions on how it could or should be done, but really, the bride and groom combine their thoughts and dreams and make the details play out the way they want them to. No longer the day where once traditionally the bride and her family made all the plans and were financially responsible for the cost of the wedding. The groom no longer just shows up the day of the wedding with the responsibility of the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon costs. More and more I'm seeing that the groom wants an opinion and input on everything from the cake to the ceremony. Heads up to the parents who thought they'd get off easy if they had all boys, because often times the total expenses are drawn from his or his family's resources as well.

I'm going to throw out a few things for you to consider or ponder before you make your decision.
1. Are you both on the same page when it comes to making a lifetime commitment?
2. Will you be taking anything away from him, if you are the one to break tradition and step into what has been commonly the man's role? I don't know him at all, but...Will he feel threatened?
3. Is tradition important to him?

Every person is different Bonnie, but first hand experience and 28 years in an insanely happy marriage tells me that no matter how young or old you are when you marry, no matter what your circumstances, a man still wants to be the man, the provider and protector and leader of his family, and I don't think this is a generational thing - I think it's a man thing.

I'll be praying for you
F.

I think this depends upon the man in question. My husband never really did propose as such, we just started planning the wedding. Shorly before it, he got down on one knee, totally shocking me, and asked me to marry him. I was so flabbergasted, I didn't respond. But I did marry him the next week as planned. :-)

I would tread somewhat cautiously with this. How long have you been dating? Are you living together? Is he 100% committed to you? Do you have the same goals? Want the same things in life? Is he someone you can truly trust to give your entire life and your daughter to?

If so, I guess, I would say it would be "easiest" to feel him out a little, rather than simply blurt it out -- ask him what kind of woman he'd want to settle down with, or if he's ever thought about settling down. (Non threatening, in case he's not into commitment -- a good way to find out without totally embarrassing yourself or him)

On the other hand, I have a single mom friend who lived with a guy for 5 years and he never would make the commitment to marry. She finally got sick of living in limbo, and they broke up, because while he wouldn't move out when she asked him to, he wanted to make the relationship work, he didn't want to lock himself in to make it work for a lifetime.

Know your man, before you ask. And pay attention to Beans and her needs. While it's nice to have a man in her life, if he's not the "stick around" kind, don't push the relationship, because she will get hurt WAY more than you will if it breaks up. Right now Beans is your next of kin -- your closest familial relationship. IF/when you marry, she will be deposed because your husband will be your "next of kin". It will cause many many changes in your relationships, and you need to be prepared emotionally and intellectually to create an atmosphere in which those changes can be coped with victoriously. :-)

I think it all depends on if the man is traditional or liberal. I think alot of men look forward to asking the woman and planning a special way to do it. They enjoy seeing your response and they feel proud somehow that they have made the decision to commit fully to the one they love. However, there are some that wouldn't mind it, I think if you have talked about maybe someday getting married or you know you are going to be with him forever and it doesn't matter to him who proposes then its fine to do. If you don't know if he is tradtional or liberal maybe casuallly bring it up to find out " I read that so and so just got engaged and I think she proposed to him" just to see if he has a reaction. If he seems ok with it great if not then he may want to ask. If he wants to ask, that is a big thing that he may look forward to and an important commitment for him and you may want to wait for him as not to steal his thunder so to speak. But if you are sure he wouldn't mind then I think its ok, and no specific rules apply, do your thing and it will be special. Whatever you choose I wish you the both the best in your lives together.

I think that it means that you know what you want. It's no big deal to me at all. WHo cares if it normal or not? "Normal" doesn't exist, but your life and how you live it does. If you feel ready for that step, I would go for it.

My DH asked me, but I was going to ask him if he didn't hurry up. If you want to ask him, pick a romantic time to ask. Do what a man would do as far as having to scene set. Do things that he would like. My DH had an engagement ring from me and put it on as soon as I went home, to tell my children and Mother.(He had already asked them permission). If his family is still alive eask to speak with his Mother and Father to see what they feel about your possible union. Getting permission isn't needed but when you have kids its a nice touch. Does your DD approve of this future? You might want to include her as she will be part of the family you are proposing on making. Also, be aware that by doing this you might not get "The Diamond". You might just have a wedding band. But if that happens when you are shopping for rings find a nice reasonably priced set that has a diamond with it, just in case he doesn't get you one (but I like bling, adn it might not be important to you).

P.S the engagement ring that I gave my Dh resides on his hand at all time next to his wedding band. It a black and Titanin band. I was at the store glancing at jewelry, and WOW! have they came down in price!!!

Asking a man to marry me would be the last thing I would ever do. I've been married twice and I can tell you its best when the man asks the woman, when its his idea. I think it goes back to the whole caveman thing where the man takes care of everything. The man you want to marry is completely head over heels in love with you (and your daughter) and would do anything to make you happy and spend his life with you, making you his priority. Along with this comes respect, loyalty, kindness, consideration and caring.

You are still young, you are still going to school and you should continue to focus on your daughter. No man should ever become more important than her in your life and I know its easy to allow that to happen at times, especially when our kids grow up and don't need us as much anymore.

I agree with the other poster here, if a man is dragging his feet or making excuses doing the right thing when the time comes then its time to rethink things and reevaluate if he really is the right one.

Think long and hard about this. I wish you lots of luck.

Is this not 2009?!!!

I proposed to my husband over 10 years ago (and we are still happily married with 2 wonderful kids). I never would have thought about doing it but one day when we were dating during a casual conversation he said to me, why shouldn't a woman propose to a man? He got me thinking...

I prepared a picnic dinner, had sewn "will you marry me on the napkin" & gave him a bracelet I had made (cheasy but very us at the time), later we bought the ring together. The only thing that was weird was telling others (family, friends, etc).

I would do it again!

good morning Bonnie,
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO .
and NO.
A women does NOT ask a man to marry her . well you certainly CAN bring the topic up ,give hints , stop @ the local jewerly store in the mall etc ....
HOWEVER, if you are with this 'guy' a year and NO RING ...W_A_L_K_
you will NEVER EVER get a ring .[ if you think you are to ask him]
Some Men in our society are great , happy , fun ,educated, henceforth, NON COMMITAL MEN .......!!!!!!!!
Flip side of coin ; let's say you 'asked' him , It will not work out ... you can not force love and commitment .
You HAVE a CHILD to raise. you have school to complete .. the time is not correct for you .
you are learning to be independant at this time . This is good and healthy for you and your DAUGHTER ..
A good man will enter your life after your daughter is grown ..
I know I made you angry . sorry . I am a MOM of daughters .
Good luck
Guys make GREAT friends , they fix your car, they take you for food, they are nice to you ,they can help you with your studies ... etc. why mess this up ??????
t.

Hi Bonnie,

The traditional proposal is that a man asks a woman. The reason being is that if a man does not love a woman enough to ask her to marry him, he will treat her with dispect.

Men are picky about who they ask to marry them. They want a woman who they can take home to their mother. The other women they use for their free fun!

Don't throw your life away with a man who you have to ask to do the right thing.

All the best. D.

Have you given him hints about marriage? If you have mentioned it a million times and been together a while...and still nothing...i would be very weary. I think a small part of me would feel jipped if i had to do the proposing. I have to think if he has not initiated it, then he could have reservations. I wish you the best of luck in your descion.

Bonnie - only you really know how "your man" will respond if you ask him. I've been married almost 9 yrs...and there were times I wanted to ask my hubby to marry me (we dated for a LONG time before he popped the question) - but I knew he would be the type that would want to pop the question - he is very traditional. Now - on the flip side...my mother actually asked my father to marry her (circa 1968). She gave him a tie pin with a small diamond in it. Strangely - my father (at the same time) pulled out an engagemnt ring for her :) Sweet story...but my mom knew my dad wouldn't be offended if she took the initative and asked the big question. I disagree that women can NEVER ask. Depends on the situation and the guy. True - most guys would likely find it strange...but there are guys who are receptive to women taking the reigns.

All the best to you!!!

I am not sure if you should do the proposing .. but these days things are done a lot different. Men likes to be the ones coming up with the idea, or think they did (ha-ha).

Okay, you decided to propose! If it was me, I will take him to his favorite sports game and pop the question when he is in his happy place. Beer in the hand watching the best sports game with a "hotdog" .. a little toothpick card stuck into it saying "Will You Marry Me!" If he does not look and just throw it away have another one ready and say you dropped this. He will look then.

Or, discuss marriage over a nice candle light dinner at a restaurant. Of course, his favorite restaurant .. make it all about him!

This is hard!! Good Luck!!

Let us know what you decided and how it works out for you!!

Personally I don't think anything is "wrong" with it. The most important thing is the personality and ego of the man. I know if I had proposed to my husband we would probably have never been married. He would have been so put off by it. OMG I am laughing at the thought of his reaction! And I know I wouldn't have wanted it that way either, I wanted a surprise diamond somewhere romantic but I'm just that way.

My sister recently got engaged. What happened with them was that she initiated a conversation about their relationship and if it was going to move forward (after 5 years) or if they needed to start seeing other ppl. Her boyfriend told her that he wanted to get married but had been waiting for her to finish college. Then they went out together and shopped for rings. And let me tell you, it's a helluva ring. She has me wishing I had picked out my own. :)