My four year old has been talking agressively for about six months now. He talks about hitting, knocking people's heads off, people being or will be dead, dying and a little about killing. I'm appalled to hear such things come out of my baby's mouth. He'll say things like "then I'll/he'll be dead". I tell him we don't talk that way. I do moniter his tv, but have no control over what his father lets him watch(we're divorced). I know his dad lets him watch things I wouldn't, and his dad always tries to blame it on the other kids at daycare. I'd really appreciate any feedback - in our society, I am very concerned about the effects of exposure violence and aggression on our kids.
Hi everyone; thanks so much for the responses! My broadband has been down so this is the first I've seen them. I really appreciate the reassurance because I don't want to make too much out of something that may be, to some extent at least, normal. I just didn't know kids so small said things like this. He is compassionate, and I think it's an excellent idea to nurture that. I love the stories, and plan to print them out and make them into books as a project with him :). I look forward to implementing some of the other advice as well, although I will admit that I'm a little unsure about the whole reward and punishment thing since I've read and heard so many conflicting opinions. As for taking legal action, that isn't an option. We've currently been in and out of court for nearly four years and it looks like there is finally a possibility that it may settle down soon. That is a great suggestion for some situations, but I've fought on behalf of my son to the point where I am no longer willing to taint his childhood with legalities unless it is absolutely neccesary. If the past four years has taught me nothing else, it's taught me that I simply cannot control everything around my child. It's my job to do the best I can, which I have and continue to do legally and in other ways. Yes, this is hard to swallow and doesn't seem right! But it's a lesson I've learned the hard way. Hopefully things will improve so his parents are on the same page. And thanks for the prayers!
I am having the same problem but I am married and my son still says things like he is going to whoop my 8 month old daughters a**... i put him in time out when he says things like this but his aunt laughs... if you get any advice let me know...
S.,
You need to nip this talk in the bud asap. When he is in school if he makes any of those comments, he will be suspended. I know this because my third grade son said something similar and was suspended for three days. They don't care if he's a kid-they are very serious about that kind of talk now. I think it's sad and rediculous but I understood the policies and why they have to treat all comments serious. My son learned the hard way why we can't say things. I'm not sure a four year old has the maturity to understand but you need to try.
I have no advice, unfortunately. I'm hoping I can figure out how to read your responses in a few days because I have the exact same problem! My almost 4-year-old does the same thing -- the crazy thing for us is that I know he did not get it from TV. I'm glad to hear that my kid is not the only one. I have hoped that somehow it's a natural phase of processing at this age. But it does seem bizarre and I share your concerns. I hope you get plenty of responses!
V., Mom of almost-4-year-old twins and an 18-mo-old
I have an almost four year old as well. He has seen spider man and ninja turtles while visiting relatives and friends. I don't allow him to watch anything like this at home. He also has made comments about death and killing that at first really disturbed me. After talking to several veteran moms of boys about this subject I relaxed about it. My son has a wonderful, loving father at home. The two of them spend lots of time together, and Dad is on the same page as I am with the television and everything else. My son is also a very affectionate, and compassionate little boy. Though I don't like this kind of talk, I feel like if I make a huge deal out of it that it will become even more interesting to him. Whenever he is saying those things I always let him know that I dissaprove, then I try to redirect his thoughts to something else.
I think at this age, or at least with my son, he doesn't fully understand what death is. We have talked about it, and I've explained it to him, but I think it seems like fantasy to him. When he is a little older and fully understands everything, then I'll be concerned, but for right now, I think this is pretty normal behavior for a boy. Your situation is tough in that you can't control what goes on when your son is with his father - but if you do your best to teach your values while he's with you, they'll hopefully stick, and you will at least know that you did your part. That is all we can hope for as parents. You can not control everything they see and do all the time. None of us can. Just be the best mom you can be while you have him with you, and let him know that you don't approve when he says things like that. Good Luck!
I would say question his dad and if he denies the allegations, go and petition the court for other visitation rights.
talk to u ex and try to make him understand that maybe some of it could be coming from daycare but however not monitering what he is watching is also a problem as well. and its surly not helping the situation.
My six year old son does the same thing. We do monitor his TV (not divorced or separated here, so I'm not sure how much effect that is having). I suspect that my son is getting it from some kids at school. Just keep reinforcing that it is not acceptable. We are thinking of giving automatic time outs when it happens here, but because we jump on it as soon as it happens I think the frequency is being reduced.
Hi S.,
Does your child play video games? How about people that are visiting in the house while your son is there? Does he overhear inappropriate conversations? I might sit him down to have a talk about why he is saying these things. Ask him if he really understands what he is saying and let him know that "big" boys don't talk about such things. Also, ask him to draw you a picture of what he is thinking. Sometimes children are better able to tell parents what is going on by drawing.
I hope that these suggestions work.
~ Meg
I've watched the super nanny on tv and I like how she show's parents the time out and boards for doing well with stickers.
I think you may have to come up with a board with your son and stickers and as he doesn't do this behavior he gets rewarded however if he dose this bad behavior he gets a time out for it period. I do myself have 3 boys and we get times outs 1 min for each yr of age. It has helped with the bad talk at our house and other bad behavior. I have sticker board myself and as they do things like help dust the tv, help water a few plants and bring me their dirty dishes the get helper sticker (this helps them have something to do and he proud of doing). At the end of the week I let them play a game on my computer (learning game) and I let them pick a special treat from the dollar store (coloring books, book, ballons) etc.. It's helped at our house. I think you may have to sit down and you and your x husband need to be on the same page. No you have no control over him but he should want your son as well to do well and realize that when he goes off to school he can't have this behavior he only knows it's not good if you both tell him it's not..otherwise when he's in kindergarten his teacher is going to be calling you and not saying these things is going to be a shock to him. You are going to have to talk to your x and if he can't help guide your son in a good manner then maybe you should consider pulling the visitation card or else this little boy is going to be very confused.
I'm sure this is very frustrating and aggravating for you. Some of what you describe is probably actually normal behavior. My four year old has gone through phases in which she is quite interested in death. She knows about heaven, and as her young mind processed it, she would sometimes say to me she wanted to die (meaning because she wanted to go to heaven). Needless to say, this was very disturbing to me. However, she didn't mean it in a bad way. She was just processing ideas and incorporating information. She also gets defiant, stubborn, and somewhat rebellious at times, all of which I feel are within age appropriate boundaries.
It's unfortunate you cannot control all of what your son watches. However, you can help him learn what is appropriate and what is not (and why it matters). Perhaps he'll be a good example for his dad.
My boys (ages 9 and 10) sometimes say or act out things I find violent and they consider interesting "action." I think the best talk we've ever had about it was when I taught them about compassion. One of the major problems with so much violent media is that there is no compassion, which makes it seem like there are no consequences. Ask your son to think about how he would feel if his favorite toy got lost. Could he imagine how his friend would feel if he/she lost a favorite toy? Would he feel bad for a dog that hurt its leg? Wouldn't it be sad if someone he loved was injured or died? Point out to him that these feelings are called compassion. When we look at violence from the point of view of the impact it has on others, it makes us more likely to feel compassion and less likely to condone the violence. Perhaps he can begin to understand that.
There is a magazine called The Friend that I love to read to my children. It has great stories that teach morals in an appropriate way for children. It is so much easier to get the values I am trying to teach across through stories than by lecturing. These are my children's favorite bedtime stories, and I love what they teach and how it is based on stories of children their ages. You can read it online (no sign ups or logins required). You can read by issue or do a search for subjects of interest. Here are some stories that pulled up when I searched for "compassion."
http://www.lds.org/Static%20Files/PDF/Magazines/Friend/En...
http://www.lds.org/Static%20Files/PDF/Magazines/Friend/En...
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=21bc9fbee...
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=21bc9fbee...
To see the magazine issues, you can go to
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=1d2f083ff...
I hope this helps. Good luck.
S., I really think you should just keep tell your son that it is not proper to talk about killing or hurting someone. This should be done in a very loving way. And also keep talking to his father about what he lets him watch on tv. I have a 10 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. Their father's mother lets them watch things I would not let them. She always has done this. Now that they are older they let her know that It's not right and she feels bad. This is because I kept telling them it was not proper. So just keep doing what you are doing. It will sink in to his sweet little mind.
It is harder when parents are divorced. Also boys have more aggressive tendencies. Boys have been knocking heads off for a long time. They will say these things and not realize the seriousness of what they are saying. I used to see my kids change in behavior after watching shows on TV. I was able to not allow them to watch those programs.
The best you can do is to teach him when you have contact with him and not let him watch those violent shows when you have him. When he speaks aggressively like that, let him know that you disapprove and discipline using a method that works with your child. Always discipline immediately and alway follow through with anything you say.
I am a mother for four children (three are boys). They are young adults and teens now.
Hi S.,
I agree w/LaJoyce. Other than combatting the good with your good parenting, that is perhaps your only choice. Petition the court for a hearing. In the meantime, take him to a counselor and let him talk to them about what he does with dad and watches or sees. As an impartial party, he/she can assess the situationan and make recommendations. You can then take the results with you to court and share it with the Guardian Ad Litem or other court advocates. Your child has to be helped now, before he actually acts out on something he's seen. I'm praying for you. A.
