Toddler Sleeping in Our Bed

Ferberization is a technique invented by Dr. Richard Ferber to solve infant sleep problems. It involves "baby-training" children to self-soothe by allowing the child to cry for a predetermined amount of time before receiving external comfort.

I ust to nanny and we did this with the little girl I kept, it worked great. I was going to use it on my little one but I was blessed with him sleeping throught the night.

I think there are a few things to try.
You could help her pick out new bedding for her room, then she might be so excited she will want to sleep in there
You could try an incentive chart, each time she sleeps in her own room, she gets a sticker and then when she gets a certain amount, she gets a special treat
You could try laying with her in her room, patting her back, giving her a special toy to sleep with, etc
If you really feel that it is time for her to sleep in her own room, it probably will not be an easy transition due to her age. But you can do it and she will be fine :)
Good luck

Actually, this behavior is quite healthy and shows your daughter is closely bonded with her parents. Yes, folks will tell you this is an awful thing to do and I was absolutely one of those people before I had kids, but learned very quickly that this closeness is a core human need, which is even stronger in infancy/childhood. Indeed, there is some research showing that if this core need is not met, it causes lots of problems in the teen years.

Anyways, what really worked for us, was to put our sons bed next to ours and then gradually he transitioned to his own bed (around 2 1/2) . You could do this now with the crib, just put the side next to your bed down. With my younger son, who we thought would be okay in a room with his brother, we quickly learned otherwise, so we just put a sleeping bag, blankies, etc on the floor by our bed. This worked until he was ready to be with his brother.

Once my boys did move to their own rooms, they never once got up in the middle of the nite to come to our room whereas it seems that many folks that think the kids should be in their own rooms early on have great difficulty keeping them in their rooms.

And, I will tell you that this ABSOLUTELY does not make them overly dependent or immature nor does it impact their independence later. My 13 1/2 year old son is extremely independent, self assured and has few fears and is "all boy". My older son (now 16) has always been extremely mature for his age and is a self confident teen. And, it also turns out that both my sons had food allergies and intolerances that we did not learn about until they were older. So, this also may be why they needed that extra comfort early on.

Speaking from experience, I used to try to get into my parents bed at nite up to the age of 6 - they eventually started locking their bedroom door and I would sleep on the floor outside their room. As a child and teenager and even young adult, I had self esteem issues, some of which I didn't over come until I was in my early 40s. I am thankful that my kids didn't have to have this experience and rather than following advice, I listened to my instincts.

It's not unhealthy (IMO, it's actually unhealthy to force babies to sleep alone), and it's not a "bad habit" - it's about where and how the whole family sleeps best. If it bothers you, then change it; but if not, don't worry about it.

All my children have done this to a certain extent, and we have gently guided them into sleeping by themselves. CIO was not necessary. At 2, it is still normal for her to wake during the night. By the time she is 3 or 4 or 5, she will not wake as often, and you will find that if she goes to sleep in her own bed, she will sleep there all or almost all of the night. One thing that you can do is set a time for her to stay in her own bed. For example, if she goes to bed at 8, pick 12:00. If she wakes up before 12, put her back to bed in her own bed. If she wakes up after 12, she can come in your bed. Just be consistent and as she grows up, she will spend more and more time in her own bed.

It is not unhealthy behavior. In fact, in most parts of the world, it is the norm. We are born to crave human touch and connection . . . your baby is just in tune with his needs. Yes, some children do sleep in their own bed without problems, but it has to do more with their nature then what you did or did not do. It sounds like your little one is just saying he needs more snuggle time with you and your husband.

I am another one who does not think this is unhealthy.

My daughter is 14 now. She slept well in her room until age 5. At that time, we were all upstairs and we could hear her if she needed us. In 2000, we built our current home. It is much larger than the first home we built.

She started sleeping downstairs with us. Her room was on the opposite side of the house and upstairs and we were downstairs. We understood that this was a big transition for all of us. I mentioned it to my pedi and she told me...."treasure this time to bond because there will be a day when your dd does not want to be near your bed". So we let her sleep with us. We did bond well as a family.

Of course, hubby and I made our time together, we still go on date nights after 20 yrs and keep the fire going. You have to work around that if you have a little one in your bed.

DD grew into the idea that the entire upstairs is "hers" and she took ownership of it, moved up and did just fine. We did not PUSH, we let he make this move on her own.

To this day, hubby leaves very early every morning. I go back to bed and daughter will come down around 6:30, crawl in with me for some mom time. Sometimes we fall back to sleep before we have to get up at 7, other times, we just lay there and chat.

I see nothing unhealthy by bonding with your children. You certainly need a good bond because starting with teens (mine is now 14), it gets harder and harder to parent and you need a good base to keep your relationship strong.

I know not everyone feels this way....you have to do what is right for your family. I do not believe in the CIO method, I believe in giving love to the children, gradually make big moves.

Best wishes.

My daughter sleeps with my husband and I, too. She's 17 months, and has slept with us since she was born. We plan on letting her sleep with us until she's ready to move into her own bed. Why are you desperate to move her to her own bed? Because you have the feeling that it's a bad habit and it's perceived as being 'not good' in our American culture, or because it's a real problem for your family? Once I examined my own feelings toward my daughter sleeping with us, I found that I was only uncomfortable because it seemed everyone else was telling me it was wrong and she was way too old to be sleeping in our room, etc. In my own heart, it feels right to me to have her there with us, and we all sleep better because of that. If you find that it's a real problem for your family, then I'd suggest what some other posters have said; read Elizabeth Pantley's book, as well as Dr. Sears' book.
Good luck!

Please read Elizabeth Pantley's "The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers."

By the way, In most countries in the world, babies and toddlers sleep with their parents. It's not unhealthy--we just have different perception in the US. However, since you don't want your child in your bed, then this book will help you to find several different methods to try to get your little one comfortable and securely sleeping on their own.

You have to out her in her own room and as hard as it is. LET HER CRY. It will not tramatize her and she wont even remember it. It will be a worse experience for you than the child. At age 1 1/2 we had to let our oldest cry it out. THe first night was about 45 min off and on and it got less with every night, By the 4th night she cried 10 min and that was it.

I'm not saying this because I think her in your room or sleeping with you is wrong but it sounds like you are ready for a change and unfortunately this might be your only option.

Both of our sons slept in our bed until they were about 5 years old. Now, they dont want to sleep in there, EVER!!!
So, your daughter will grow out of it. If it is causing problems between you and your husband with intimate times, you can always move them into their room when they are asleep. We did that for years and at some point during the night they would wake up and want to come back in there, but it usually wasnt until around 3:00 or 4:00 am. Sometimes, they wont wake up and come in there and thats when you can start slowly start weining them off and out of your bed.

Hey L., We kind of had this same problem with our daughter. We use to live in a one bedroom apt and her crib was in our room. I never let it become a habit of letting her sleep in our bed. But when she got her own room and was ready to be moved to a toddler bed I didnt know if it was going to be a night mare or not. The advice I can give to you is to stop having her sleep in your room or bed. She cries because she knows that if she does it your going to take her out and put her into bed with you and she knows thats how i can get mommy to give me what i want. If she has her own room, Make her apart of the transition. When we moved my daughter when she was 2 at the time to her own room we let her pick out her toddler bed and let her pick our night lights ect what ever you have to do to make it comfortable. Im not going to lie to you and say that its not going to be rough the 1st couple of times, it might even take a couple of weeks for her to get use to. But the crying is not hurting her at all. After a little while she sees that you dont take her out of her own bed or room to sleep into mommy and daddies bed she will see that trying to cry isnt going to work any more and once you get through the hard part its going to be alot better. My daughter is 4 now and she stays in her bed and doesnt get out at 1st she was scared when she got her new room all by her self but she got use to it and we made it welcoming. So i hope that you take my advice and just try to stick with it and not give in and youll see every thing will turn out for the better. I hope this helps. good luck.

This sounds exactly what I'm going through,my little girl will be 2 in July and still sleeps in our bed. She slept in her own room in her crib until about 10 months then would wake up crying and you would be unable to get her back to sleep and then the minute her head hit the pillow in my bed she would fall right asleep. We have tried the cry it out method and she would cry so hard she would make herself sick. We have turned her crib into a toddler bed thinking she would sleep in that and that doesnt work. Let me know if you come up with any ideas I would like to know what works for you.

It's actually a very healthy method for a bonded family but can become unhealthy IF it's affecting you and your husbands love life. I am guilty of letting my children sleep in the bed. I have 3 and with my first she was with us from day one in the bed and it continued off and on for years until baby number 2 came and she knew her time was up (she was 4 at the time!!) SO when baby # 2 came I started him out in his crib and luckily he was a very good crib baby....he's now 3 and occasionally will want to sleep with us but he's a big boy so we don't let him very much. However, baby # 3 is here now and has been in the bed with me from day 1 as well. He's been a nursed baby and I'm sure you know if you nurse a baby it's much easier for mom and baby to be close at night time. I honestly have no clue how I'm going to go about getting him "out" of the bed. I hope when he gets around 2 or 3 he'll get excited about a big boy bed and that might make the transition easier for him. Well, sorry I don't have any advice about how to get her out of the room because I'm in your same boat! : ) I just know once you start them in your bed it's harder to get them out but be patient and with time she will be older and more understanding of her "own" room. Oh, BTW my 1st child is now 7 and has been sleeping peacefully in her room since she was 4 so hang in there and God bless!

One more response - our daughter slept in our room until about that age but when we transitioned her to her own room, we put her in a full size bed, not a crib. So that's something you might try. Ever since we moved her she has not slept in our bed, bc if she ever has a nightmare or teething problems or what have you that keeps her up at night, we go to HER room. Sometimes we end up falling asleep in there and with the big bed there is room to do that, but usually she is just in there with all the space by herself, which is good bc she wiggles around in her sleep a lot.

You will probably have to deal with the not staying in bed thing at some point, but we just put up a babygate and she is fine with it. HTH

Make it cheerful, and when it is bed time, make it sound exciting, and mention that mommy (or daddy) is now going to read a story and sing a lulaby. Tuck her in with a special doll or teddy bear, they have little glow worms that play music and turn theirself off, and light up like a night light if they push them in the right spot. What ever works, and a night light may be good to have after she is asleep, you may want to leave the light on until she falls asleep. All kids are different, so these are just suggestions of what may work. Tell her it is night night time, and if she crys, she may wake up the doll or teddy bear (if she does wake up and cry) pat her lay her back down, say nite , nite, maybe sing one little song, and go back to bed.

it's not a matter of healthy or unhealthy, but a matter of what you choose. when you are ready for her to be in her own bedroom, then it's time. for me, i took too long for the first one and it was a very painful process. start with a toddler bed next to your bed. move it a bit away from you a bit at a time. next thing you know, it's out of your room and in her room. that's the hard step. it requires strength to say "no you have your own room. mommy and daddy have their own room. we love you. goodnight." and then walk away. they do survive and live, even with a few tears. we broke the second child of the habit by a year and are very thankful to have our privacy back. nobody was sleeping good and privacy is necessary for a healthy marriage.

Start with either you sleeping on the floor next to her in the toddler bed. You could also have the toddler bed in your room for a few nights then transition the bed into her own room. She will be comforted knowing you are there. It probably will be scary for her at first since she doesn't know anything else. Once she is comfortable with you sleeping on the floor next to her then move out into the hallway with your back to her until she falls asleep. Do that until she is comfortable. Then voila!!! I definetly wouldn't let her cry it out.

She should definately be in her own room. When she's 'crying it out', she just trying to get her way. I promise you, she's not hurt. It may take some time for her to understand that crying won't always get her what she wants, but in the end, everybody will be much better off. Best of luck to you!!

I need help with this very thing...hopefully someone can offer help!!

It's not unhealthy for your toddler to sleep with you. If you talk about it....You will find a lot of little ones sleep with their parents! My young ones still sleeps with us (2)...My oldest 4 started sleeping in his bed 6 months ago....We just started talking to him about it. How big boys sleep in their own beds...printed out a reward chart....And once he decided he was going to sleep in his own bed - He did! He had all that overnight comfort and trust in us that every night since we read 2 books - tuck him in and he goes to sleep...No crying, no being scared, no nothing....We tell him we'll be back to check on him. Then in the morning praise him for his success. He wouldn't have understood at 2 (He was still my baby) So I waited. Good Luck...You'll do what's best for you - Don't feel pressure. Do what your heart tells you

my daughter slept with us til she was 4. it sucked but i have had sooo many other moms tell me the same thing. although no one talks about it unless you ask, everyone feels like a "failure"-kwim? we would always start her out in her bed....tried every method know to man and nothing worked. until she hit about 3. than the reward system worked. it wasn't immediatly but slowly she would sleep in her room all night and than we would get her a small inexpensive gift. on nights that she didn't sleep in her room all night she would still want the gift and we wouldn't give it to her. once that clicked in her head she started sleeping in her bed all night. we didn't always buy her something...sometimes it was icecream or candy or we would rent her a movie. once she did it consitantly, we stopped the rewards. now, she is 5 and she hasn't come in our room at all. i am soo glad i can snuggle with my hubby and get sleep without being smooshed! good luck

Just went thru this! Son is almost 2. He has never slept with us, but I was letting him for about a week because he would crawl out of the crib and cry for me. After about a week of utter exhaustion, I tried a new method. I completely safeguarded the nursery. Removing all furniture that could be climbed on or tumped over. Locked the door and let him cry. He had a new Pixar cars toddler bed and was perfectly safe, but cried for an hour and 45 min before going to sleep the first time. It is important to have special, wind down time with him in his room before leaving. Now, a week and a half later, he still cries, but only for about 3-5 minutes. I had no choice but to do this - we were both exhausted all the time from sleeping together with little success. He is an active sleeper - plus I did not want to share my couple time with my son.
Hang in there and it will be worth it. You have no choice but to lay down who is boss when they are young, so when they are older they have a healthy respect and fear of you.

My daughter slept with us also. When we felt it was time to slowly transition her to sleeping by herself, I bought a rollaway bed. She slept in it right beside my bed. Slowly we began to move the rollaway towards her room. We had setbacks but this way I felt like I wasn't just tossing her out all of a sudden. They grow up sooooo fast, cherish all the snuggle time you can!

Hey L.,

When our daughter was born she slept in our room for several months, but as she out grew the bassinet we knew it was time to move her to her crib. We started out just having her sleep in her crib during naps throughout the day and she did just fine. Then after a couple of days we moved her to the crib during the evening. She did even better than we could have hoped. Then after a couple of months passed she started screaming when we would go to lay her down at bedtime. So we would hold her until she fell asleep, but that sometimes took hours. We didn't want to hear her scream, but knew something had to change, especially since number two was on the way. We talked to my parents and they had the best advice, and it was what their doctor had told them when I did the same thing as a baby. He's also the one that told them to have me sleep on my back (long before other doctors were).

He said to go ahead and lay me down tell me they love me, and then close the door (I was also about 11 months). He said to make sure that they could hear me but that they needed to leave me alone. It took two weeks but after that I would lay down without any fuss at all. The main thing to remember is that once you walk out of the door you can't go back in (unless it's an emergency obviously), otherwise they learn that crying will bring someone back. We did this with our daughter and while it took about 4 weeks (for consistent results), now she goes to bed without fussing, gives us kisses, and waves.

You have to remember that they aren't hurt or afraid, they simply want mommy and daddy. We purchased a video monitor with night vision so that we could see her and know for certain that she was all right. That way if she started crying we could make sure it was just an angry cry, not a hurt one. It's hard because no one wants to hear their child cry, but it's worth it in the end. She sleeps better and has time to herself, which is actually very important for development. Besides, you don't want them sleeping in your room several years from now.

The "cry it out" method is not something that works with infants since they need frequent attention, but toddlers are a different story all together. It's just like when they want something they can't have. They cry until they realize you aren't going to give it to them, and then they just go on to something else, perfectly fine and happy.

Just be strong, read stories before bed time as a way to down shift, and spend lots of time cuddling before bed. Then tell her you love her and will see her in the morning. Again I would really recommend the monitor.

I apologize for the length of this, but didn't want to seem like I found it an easy thing to do. It was really really hard. But after all is said and done it was well worth it. Regardless of how you manage it, good luck, and remember that each child is different. You will all get better sleep and it will be healthier for all of you.

Try reading "the no cry sleep solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. It has several good suggestions, although we did end up doing our own modified version of CIO (and although I hated doing that- it was nice having our child-then 12 months- sleeping through the night within 2 days). Our situation was completely different from yours, but I do think the book had ideas for moving child from your bed to their own.

I didn't take the time to read all the other posts, but I can share my personal experience. We had both our boys in bed with us until they were 2 and 4. It got so crowded and the boys slept so wildly that we HAD to get them out. I put them in their rooms and we (my husband and I) would sit next to them in a chair until they fell asleep. Slowly we decreased the amount of time we sat with them reassuring them that we were still in the house, just not in the room until they could fall asleep on their own. It was difficult and it took about 3 weeks to a month to get them to finally sleep in their own rooms, but it happened.

L.,

My daughter will be two in May. We had a similar experience with her that you are having with your daughter. I was at the same point of desperation. She hadn't tried to get our of her crib yet, but she did not want to be in it. So, we moved her crib mattress to the floor. It took about two weeks for it to completely "stick".

At first, when she got up, we would just go to her and tell her that she needed to lay down in her big girl bed. We talked about the importance of sleep and rest. We would then take turns sitting (or sleeping) next to her on the floor. Although we were with her off and on through the night, we did not budge when it came to her sleeping on her mattress. We have now moved the mattress to her bedroom and put a pass-through gate at the door. So, now she can see down the hallway if we are still up and will come to the gate in the mornings when she is ready for us to come get her. Sometimes she gets up and plays in her room for 30 - 45 minutes before she calls for us. At the beginning, it was a little bit like having a newborn, but we made it through with very little crying. Sometimes, if she is up before 7 a.m., we will still take her to our room and we have a little nap/cuddle time until we are ready to be up at 8. We all really enjoy this hour of cuddlebug time to start our day. :)

My son is almost 4 and my daughter will be 1 in May and they both have their own beds but always wind up in ours by morning....and I wouldnt have it any other way!! I cherish the times that we are all piled in our bed cuddled up together. We recently got a king size bed just because of it. You will know when they are ready. I personally was never able to let them cry it out. You just have to make time for you and hubby elsewhere if she does stay in the bed with ya'll. Good Luck with whatever you choose!!!

It's not unhealthy or a bad habit, and I don't recommend the CIO method at all. But if you are unhappy w/ her in your bed, read Dr. Sears "The Sleep Book". He addresses this issue of transitioning in a comforting, calming manner which should not be a terrible experience for your daughter. I found my copy at Half Price Books.

All three of our children have been cosleepers. Currently, our six month old is in bed with us & our three year old is (mostly) in her own bed. What got her excited to sleep in her own bed was going to IKEA (she loves that place) to choose a bed of her own & help put it together in her room. She also got to choose her own sheets. She still comes into our bed sometimes & that's fine with us. Cosleeping isn't unhealthy & it's not a bad habit that needs to be broken, in my opinion. Ofcourse, all family members have to be comfortable with it & if you're not, you should certainly change it. Good luck!

L.,
Are you saying it's not healthy behavior from what YOU believe or from what the books say? Just personally, I slept in my parents' bed until I was 6. Then, we moved and the new place was not big enough for the four of us in bed. That transition was not big deal. Just FYI, I was born in Taiwan and moved to the US when I was 6. In Taiwan, it's acceptable to sleep in your parents' bed.
M.