Toddler Is Obsessed with death.....HELP!!

N.,
I've dealt with this with both my kids for the last 2 yrs now. First my parents were in a car accident and my dad died, then, last week, my boyfriend's dad died of emphysema. I had them in counseling and she told us that preschool aged kids often obsess over death - just answer her questions truthfully but don't overwhelm her with information. Eventually she'll move on to something else.
Try not to let her know if it bothers you, as that makes them reluctant to ask or talk about it. Good luck...just remember - like every other stage, this too shall pass!!
Happy Thanksgiving!

Hi N.,

Here's a response I gave to another mother on mamasource the 2nd of November when she wanted to know how to "explain death" to her little one in light of her grandfather's soon passing away. Hope it's some helpful or ask me all you want.

"I'm a Christian, a pastor's wife and mother of ten children myself...they are now 10 down to 4. Our children lost their Grandfather on my hubby's side 4 years ago and my Dad ten years ago. So we definitely had little ones in the home both times.

I always instruct our children as they grow up that Jesus said in John 3:3, "Except a man be born again he cannot see the kingdom of God." Then they, of course, need to know what it means to be "born again". For which I go through Romans 3:23 (all have sinned), Romans 6:23 (our sin earns us death=eternal separation from God), Romans 5:8 "But God commendeth His love toward us in that while we were yet sinners (wicked), Christ died for us." Romans 10:9,10 and finally Romans 10:13 "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (or born again)."

Then the Apostle Paul gives great encouragement to those who've been born again and experienced such spiritual life within them that they've desired to be with and love believers (I John 3:14) and they love to gather with believers and other evidences seen through I John...the evidences don't save them; but show they have spiritual life and have been saved. Just like you should know a veterinarian by the work he does...not by his diploma on the wall. Oh, Paul's promise upon the point of death for those who are born again was II Cor. 5:8 "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord."

I'm always so thankful God gives us 70 or 80 years on this earth to come to know Him...He actually draws us to Himself...but so many waste that time in other pursuits.

Hope that Biblically helps to explain eternal things to your daughter. Let me know how it goes if you don't mind...

B. in Eau Claire, WI

N.,
Rest at ease that this is normal, normal, normal!!! Kids will even play "funeral" which is SO weird but, again, normal!

At 4 years old, children are unable developmentally to understand that death is permanent (they start to "get it" at around age 7) so her definition of "dying" is different than yours. In her world, cartoon characters can fall off a cliff and it's funny. You asked where she is getting it from but, there again, it probably is from a different source - and probably a really benign one- than we as adults would think. For example, a young child that asks about sex - we as adults think the "act" where maybe they are thinking about whether they are a "M" (male) or "F" (female)on a registration form or something.

You are right in asking how "YOU" can deal with this because she is right on developmentally and you really can't control what your husband does in his house. You just need to work on providing an environment where your child can tell you everything - even the deepest and darkest things - without worrying about how you are going to feel or respond. Darling little ones as they are, if she sees you get creeped out by something she says, she may just use that in the future. Or, the reverse is also true. If she sees a reaction from you other than support and acceptance, she may keep things from you in the future. It's all about giving them a safe place to be themselves.

AND, write it down to remember it for the future (and potentially torment her with on prom night :) )!

I can't say my child went through the same thing because he is only 6months right now. But, my husband says he use to be preoccupied with the same thoughts when he was really young and he too was NOT exposed to violence either on television or in the home. Believe it or not at the same age he even thought of ways of killing himself. My husband currently is battling depression issues at age 35 but, we believe it is something he's struggled with all his life. I've read several articles which states depression can manifest itself early in life. This is a real issue families are having to deal with in todays society. Fortunately, because it can be detected children can get help. I don't want to cause you alarm but, since depression in children is something that can be diagnoised it may be something worth checking into. Hope other moms are able to help you out and things improve in your family.

Hi N.,

I must say that reading your email has comforted my husband and I as our almost 4yr old speaks of death often as well. He told me that she said, just the other day that if she died he would not have a daughter. We too try to keep the violent TV to a minimumn, but it is a fact of life and appears to be everywhere whether we actually, as adults, see it or not. So I'd like to think (without having done any research) that this is just a developmental stage that children go through as they gain independence from us. I hope this eases your mind a bit.

Talk to her about what she says in a proactive way. I find that trying to explain (as best I can to a 4 yr old) is key to helping them to try and understand what it is they are wondering/talking about.

Take care.
A.

i have 3 kids all under 3. one day my brother-in -law got arrested in front of my kids because the police wouldn't let me get them inside. after that my oldest one started talking about the same type of things. i talked to her head start teacher about it and she said it's like they are trying to let you how much they know about things that happen in life. kinda like if you have an infant and you are sick and not feeling good, they can sense something is wrong. well now they are able to say what they mean. just try and not get freaked out too bad it will pass on to something new.

I'm not really versed in dealing with this much, but here's my 2 cents. My first instinct is that it's perfectly innocent that she's asking these questions. Maybe a friend told her a story of someone dying, or a puppy getting hit by a car and dying, etc. Who knows what set it off, but she's probably curious as to what causes death. She might even be a little worried about it because it's such a mystery to her. Some of my mom friends tell me that their little boys start to obsess about where baby's come from. That doesn't mean that they're absessed about sex, they just want some answers. They don't have the same equipment as we do, so they just can't fathum how the baby comes out...does the hole just appear? Seeing it would solve alot of their questions...but that isn't appropriate so there's always that nagging question on their minds. I think your daughter thinking about the death issue is similar to that. Something happend that got her thinking about it and now, there are some questions about it she just doesn't get, and she's trying to put it all together. Maybe it would be a good idea to just have a quick talk about getting old and dying, and funerals and burying and all that stuff. It might put some of her questions at bay. I hope this works.

My son did this same thing, almost word for word. I just explained to him that yes, if there was a car accident, we'd get hurt and dying was a possibility, but that's why we wear our seat belts, etc. I then explained that we don't usually talk about dying because it bothers some people.

At first he didn't understand what I meant, so I asked him why he was talking about it. Was he worried something would happen to him? He didn't really have an answer for me, so I just reassured him that I loved him and would take good care of him. After a few weeks, he stopped. I think it's just an age thing.

Preschoolers can be very dramatic and get obsessed with certain subjects, characters, or themes. Just be honest and upfront with her and don't make a big deal out of it.

I agree...i think she is probably hearing it from other kids and maybe taking it out of context. 4year olds are just curious and by nature ask a lot of questions. I think keeping answers simple seem to do the trick.