To What Extent Do You Go to Accommodate Dietary Needs/preferences at a Party?

Hi M. You are trying to please too many people!!! Fix up something that most people eat( and it will get eaten up) or have a potluck. Having a meeting with and them write down what they will bring (so you people will not bring the same thing)And call it a day!!! Because you can't please everybody.

My family has food allergies. When we go to a party, we bring something that the allergic people can eat. It is especially difficult with my son, who is allergic to food coloring, preservatives, etc. So, when he's going to a birthday party there is a good chance he can't have the cake. I always talk to the host before and let him/her know that we will either bring a cupcake just for my child or a batch of cupcakes that everyone can have, their preference (because it would be rude to just show up with cupcakes for everyone without asking). That way the host doesn't have to figure out how to make a cake from scratch and use natural colorings to decorate (which I do for all our bdays and it's a pain).

My husband is allergic to soy. There is soy in everything now (vegetable oil, mayo, bread and lots more). So, either he eats before a party or we take something soy free.

Our basic assumption has always been that it's our responsibility to make sure we have our food options met -- not the host's. It is frustrating if a host says that they will meet all our needs and then doesn't, so maybe that was what happened with your brother.

So, my advice would be -- tell your brother to bring a dish next time.

I can't help but wondering if all the accommodations in the world would have made a difference. It sounds like something else, other than the food, has crawled up his butt.

Kudos to you for offering a variety of options for your guests. It sounds like you had quite the spread. If he can't find *something* to eat from that menu then perhaps he needs to bring his own fare everywhere he goes.

WOW! You had quite a spread! I really feel that it's your family members' responsibility to bring foods that they can eat or just shut up and deal with what's there. (Couldn't they have just picked the veggies off the sandwiches? I think he's trying to be difficult) You did your best to accommodate everyone as best you could. That all you can do. You did a fabulous job!

All the friends I have with food allergies bring their own food to group situations. It sounds like you did a great job trying to have options.

What I can't believe is that they "didn't like the pasta option". So you provided an option they could eat, they just chose not to. That's their problem, not yours.

I also know families with picky eaters who bring their own food. His family appears to be both.

I hope this email didn't taint your experience, it sounds like you worked hard and had a good party, I hope you enjoyed it.

I'm with everyone else - when I first read your question my response was, "Whoa whoa whoa! He is out of line!" You had a very diverse spread, and it was more than enough. In fact, it sounds delicious! If his family has such specific dietary needs, they should never go anywhere expecting to have foods that are appropriate for them. I was vegetarian for several years, and I never just assumed or expected there would be a non-meat option. If I was unsure of the menu, I either ate before I arrived, took something for myself to eat, or made do with what was available (or asked nicely if there were any alternatives). There have been many barbecues where I ate only cheese and condiments on a bun, and picked ham out of a salad. When you have the dietary restriction, you understand that it's your restriction, not your host's. And I found that the more gracious you are about it, the more likely people actually remember it next time! At this point, your brother is the one who needs to apologize.

Planning a party is difficult. I plan lots of family parties and also have severe allergies so I am both a guest and hostess. You did all the right things for your party. You gave multiple options for people. There are life threatening allergies like peanuts. I have that allergy and wish people would stop serving peanuts. That's not the case so when they are in the room, I leave. My son and brother are allergic to celery. That is a weird one. I don't expect hostesses to not serve that. As people with allergies we are ultimately responsible for ourselves. The raw vegetable allergy is a strange one. You can't expect a hostess to not have raw vegetables. I think your brother was out of line. If you have such a limited diet, eat before you attend the party or bring your own food. I am in a bunco group and we have lots of allergies. When Chinese is ordered, I bring my own food and eat with them.

The allergy craze and expectations of party goers have gone too extreme. I had an event and gave away goodie bags. People complained they were not good enough. Excuse me but they were free. You cannot be expected to have every type of food. As a guest, you must eat what the hostess is serving or eat at home.

My husband and I often host parties with large groups, it's simply impossible to satisfy EVERYONE. If there are folks that have to eat a special diet, they can not depend on you to always accommodate their need if there are 60 people. We often do sandwich bars for lunch or ball games, I would reserve deli meats and cheese aside for people who are picky eaters and would be non willing to eat a pre-made sandwich. Did your brother in law ever ask you if there was extra deli items for them to make their own sandwich? How passive aggressive to email you, instead of asking if there was anything you could have done to help him find something to eat.

Also when I'm hostessing such a large party I make it known how many people are to attend and ask that people who have diet needs try to bring something, just in case. It's never been a problem. simply because most people who do have dietary needs usually know they should bring something in the first place, if its a major concern.

I feel that you did everything you needed to supply a wonderful meal for your guests, you're right it is hard to keep things cold and warm when having various bars so everyone can make their own. With a crowd that large that's going above and beyond, due to the amount of work involved. You want to enjoy the party too! Right?

Your brother was out of line.

Your brother was completely out of line, no question there. In my small family, 3 out of 4 of us have special diets and the other one eats everything. So, when we go to a party, I feed both kids a snack ahead of time, bring lunchboxes for each with their special meals already packed/chilled; and I either eat ahead of time, or bring a dish that is vegetarian to share, like a lasagna or something that will be filling enough for me and hopefully enjoyable to others. I usually offer to make a dessert, too, one that my food allergic kid can eat with everyone else.

You certainly don't need to try harder with your brother. That would be crazy to have to research and prepare 5 speciality meals, and even then I suspect he will find something wrong with them. I'd suggest this comment to your brother, "You know your family's dietary needs better than I do, so next time you come over please bring food that you know if safe for you and your family, as I don't want to be responsible for someone getting sick eating what I prepare." And leave it at that!! Don't offer to cook special foods for them. I think it is awesome that you put out a vegetarian option and a wheat-free dish like fruit, salad or plain meat.

But, as a food allergic family, we NEVER expect hosts to cater to my son. If we are close to the family, like if we are going to my parents, in-laws or siblings' house for a family meal that is potluck, I sometimes send out an email to politely request that peanuts not be included in food, but I'd never ever expect hosts- even family- to cook a special meal just for him!

Girl, you did what you could. It was in poor taste for your brother to e-mail you that kind of note. When you go to their house, do they make dishes with raw veggies for the rest of you? Good for you for doing your best, and tell your brother to bring a dish for his family next time he comes. How much catering can one woman do??? (No pun intended)?

Your brother was waaaaaay out of line!

From what it sounds like, you did an excellent job trying to accomodate everyone. You went to a lot more effort than most people would. I would suggest you tell your brother-in-law what is on the menu before the party and explain that if he'd like to bring a dish that is more suitable for his family then he is welcome to. He was out of line and should be grateful to have such a wonderful sister-in-law.

It sounds like you did your best. I have been fortunate that most of my family eats most anything. But I do have a girlfriend who's daughter is allergic to Eggs. The only thing I do is make sure I know what has egg or doesn't. We are not mind readers and if anything was that challenging they should have brought their own food. Do not second guess what you did. You can not please everyone.

As a celiac I have to follow a stict gluten free diet. I never expect a host to have food specifically for me. I always prepare ahead of time and eat before I go or bring something with me and if there happens to be a few things I can safely eat I'll indulge. I think that was incredibly rude of your brother to write such an email. Sometimes a host who knows me well will talk to me ahead of time about what I can and can not eat and makes the effort to have food that is safe. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't but I would NEVER call them out on it if it didn't work out. The fact they made the effort is worth more to me than anything else they could do.

It sounds like you put on a great spread, with a good variety of things to eat and drink! Is your brother "that kind of person" that complains about everything? If he is, I would just blow it off and next time you have a party "happily" remind him to bring his own food!

Your brother was out of line. If his family is that picky then he should bring food for them to eat. You have nothing to apologize for and should not concern yourself with his issues.

I would not go to any extreme. I myself have a problem with many foods. I just make sure to eat something BEFORE I go to the event. By doing this I am assuring that I eat and am not putting the responsibility on the other person.

They could have picked off the veggies, I know I pick off what I can't eat.

I wouldn't feel obligated to make a special menu for them. When I have a party I make what I can eat and everyone seems to be OK with the menu.
That was rude.

It sounds like you had an amazing selection/variety. I am surprised by his response. You did accommodate them, the kids not liking a certain option is not your fault or responsibility. We have family members with Celiac and my husband is Diabetic, we try to be accommodating, but you can only do so much.
If I am hosting a small dinner party I will try to accommodate everyone, but it is impossible to do that with 60 people.
Most people that I know will bring something they can eat or eat ahead of time

Whatever happened to the days when you ate whatever you were served and were grateful or your mom made you finish everything whether you liked it or not. I understand allergies but if it is a preference or lifestyle choice then you better be prepared to bring your own dish and be gracious to the host for inviting you. Good of you to apologize to keep peace in the family, but I think your brother is out of line. Next time I would make one dish he suggests and politely ask him to bring one as well so he knows he will have 2 things to eat! Just like the others who posted you can't please everyone.

I think your brother is way out of line! Maybe he feels that since he is family that he can complain, but in my opinion he is rude! I think that you more than covered your bases, if he was so worried about his family eating he should have brought a dish he knew his family would like! I think it is always nice to have options at parties, but you can only go so far and you can't please everyone. I am a very picky eater, so when we go to other people's parties, I always take a favorite dish of my own that way I know I will like something. Never would I complain to host about what they served!

You did a great job at trying to make everyone enjoy their time. I do feel as if your brother-in- law was wring and if he wanted something specific he should have brought it or asked ahead of time. i do not think that you should be concern with that. You will never please everyone as long as the majority had a great time that is all that matters.

Your brother is RUDE!!! Who does that?? It sounds like you did a fantastic job with you food options. I wouldn't worry about it. Tell him to go to Mcdonald's if he doesn't like your food!! :)

Wow... it's a good thing we don't all know your brother's name and number! It seems that a lot of us would like to give him a piece of our minds!! Honestley though, it was very rude and condescending of him to say that to you. I would have been super offended in your shoes. I don't eat red meat, and for a few years did not eat any meat at all, including chicken. I NEVER went anywhere that I couldn't make due with what was served. If I was that worried about it, I would have eaten first. I get uncomfortable when people DO go out of their way for me... I feel like that is NOT their job. I think something else is up with your bro. Issues?!?!? Sounds like you were MORE than generous. Shame on him for trying to ruin your memory of the day.

Wow! Your brother was way rude to you. You put lots of thought and effort into your party, it sounds great to me! Apology not necessary!

I don't know why this was a question...HE was clearly out of line.

He was a GUEST at your home. This means he should be gracious and appreciative of the time and effort you put into hosting a 60 person event.

I would write him back and simply state that you apologize that his family could not eat, but suggest that if they have specific needs, then maybe they should bring thier own dish to share, or eat before hand since they know its hard for them to find things to eat.

In no way are you responsible for taking EVERY persons choice of food or preparation.

I think you had more than enough options. If your brother and his family have so many food restrictions, they should come prepared with their own food just in case. My brother is a vegetarian and my nephew is allergic to a multitude of things. I do always try to have at least one dish that both of them can eat. But even though they KNOW that I will have something available, they are accustomed to brining their own food just in case. Most times they don't need to dig in to the stash they brought, but my brother feels it's HIS responsbility to make sure there is something my nephew can eat, not the host/hostess's responsiblity. If I had a child with food restrictions or a super picky eater...I would bring my own also. You did nothing wrong. Your brother was out of line. I would simply ignore his e-mail. I mean, he didn't even have the guts to tell you in person, which to me indicates that he knows he's out of line.

You have done exactly the right thing. For a small gathering you should check with your guests and you do. For a larger gathering people with specific dietary requirements cannot expect you to provide items for them and should bring at least one item they can eat. I attended a party when I was avoiding dairy as my nursing daughter was allergic to it at the time. I made sure to bring something I could eat in case it was the only thing I could. It wasn't, but the only other thing I could eat was fruit. I was not angry, I understood as so should your brother and his family. Again, you have done the right thing by apologizing. Not because it's necessary (he was out of line for being mad), but because you took the high road and that makes you a better person.

Wow you are so nice! Your brother was way out of line!!! I am also celiac and I would never expect you to make dishes just for me. Plus my one daughter is vegan and my other daughter when she was younger was allergic to corn and milk. It would be a nightmare for you to try to cook for my family alone and then include everyone elses needs. He should have just brought a dish he knew was something he could eat or eat before he came. It is impossible to cook for 60 people and their dietary needs. You did a great job and I am sure many of your guest really appreciate it.

Sounds like you went over and above! How rude of your brother to even send you an email like that- if that was my own brother I would feel comfortable enough with him to tell him where to stick his email :)
If his family is that picky then he should have provided his own food or a fool-proof side that his family likes to be assured they have something to eat- and its not like they would have starved-they could have had some cheez-its and stopped some where on the way home!
I wouldn't even worry about that one squeaky wheel- sounds like you gave a fabulous party- I wouldn't have changed a thing!

I think your brother is out of line. I think that if they are that restricted in their dietary needs, they should always bring something with them! It sounds like you had a nice variety of offerings. He also could have contacted you in advance and asked what you were having..etc. It sounds like he was exaggerating the situation. Maybe just an excuse!

Hi M.,

It sounds like you did an amazing job. You had a bit of something for everyone. I think a 6 paragraph message from your brother was distasteful. If their kids are super picky then they should handle their kids diets. The kids could have picked off raw veg from sandwhiches. I highly doubt that anyone had any risk of starvation from one meal. Sorry about the angry emotion from me, but really, you are not a restaurant you are one person who put out a great spread and tried to think about everyone. Next time, don't do anything different and enjoy yourself at your party.
V

Good lord, your brother was way out of line! He couldn't take the lettuce off the sandwich? Please! If your brother, or anyone for that matter, has that many dietary restrictions they should bring something to eat or eat ahead of time or afterward. You did more than enough to accommodate people!

Your brother was out of line to send you an email like that. I assume that your brother and his family have attended parties before. And therefore know that not everything is about THEM and their food preferences. Your brother could have been pro-active and brought his own dish to pass or he could have alerted you ahead of time.

I think you handled it well, but it is the guest's responsibility to inform the host of food allergies and whatnot. You, as the host, can do your best to accommodate them, but if the request is unreasonable or undoable, you should say so.

Yes, your brother was very out of line. My brother and sister-in-law don't eat anything that contains mayo, sour cream or cream cheese so that omits most salads that everyone in our family enjoys. We always try to have something else for them but it is hard and they just bring something of their own to have as an extra a lot of times. It sounds like you had a very good variety of food that anyone could have found something to eat, even my sister-in-law who is very picky about her food.

Your brother was CLEARLY out of line to think that your party should cater specifically to him and his family. What you say is that he could not eat the uncooked fruits and veggies and he didn't like- not couldn't have!- the pasta salad. I think your spread was extremely diverse and could have accomodated anyone. Some people could not have everything that you had out, but they could have eaten other things.
I believe that if people have special needs of foods, they are more than welcome to bring a dish of their own. This is courteous to do anyhow and is seems like you did not object to others having done so. Had you told anyone not to bring anything, or been offended that people did, then you are probably required to make sure everyone has something that they can eat. But, you did put out a very diverse spread and should not have to cater to any one person. You did more than most people would have. Your brother, who was a guest, is way out of line in criticizing your choices.
To keep the peace, what you can do next time is: 1) inform guests that they are more than welcome to bring a dish if they would like. This allows them to cater to their own needs or wants without the worry of offending you in doing so. 2) Tell your brother ahead of time what you have on the menu and if none of those items work for him, then please be helpful and bring something that will. End of story.
Sounds to me like you did a fabulous job in planning the party and it angers me that your brother could be so selfish and not see that! You did fine though.

You did enough and had enough of a variety. Tell your brother next time he can bring his own food or dish to pass that his family can eat. That was out of line for him to send you that note and very rude. You should not apologize to him.

It sounds like you went out of your way to accomodate the guests at your party, so I am quite surprised you received that email from your brother.

We've recently found out that my daughter has Celiac's Disease and can not have any gluten. That being said, I do not expect anyone to have gluten free items just for us at a party. I know that as a M., it is my duty to bring something that is safe for my daughter to eat. Family and friends, of course, do make an effort to have something for her to eat, but I by no means expect it.

I am sorry your brother did not appreciate your efforts and all your hard work, it is very unfortunate. You were also very kind in your response to him. Maybe your brother (or his wife) is just the type to find issues with everything? Hope your day gets better!

WOW!!! I definately have to agree with the others here...your brother is the one that was out of line! You did not need to apologize to him...you did nothing wrong! It sounds like you went WAY out of your way to accomodate as many people as you could. If I or any of my kids had food preferences, or allergies, I would NEVER go to someone else's house expecting special food. You are not running a restaurant for pete's sake. This is a party. All of the food you mentioned sounded good to me! It sounds like you are too nice of a person, but if it was me, I would have told my brother to piss off! haha