Tired of Being the Responsible One ALL the Time.

Read below on measuring how much you make vs how much you pay in childcare and other working expenses...are you working to pay the bills of working? after our second child we crunched the numbers and my job would have only covered the expenses of me working...so I stopped working and stayed home to handle all the day to day things that happen in life.

My husband hit the curb in his car just the right angle that he cracked his oil pan. He barely made it to work about 2 miles. Then it drained in a big mess in the parking garage. he knew if he tried to start it with no oil it would ruin the engine. He called and got it towed to the dealership. He arranged for a rental car through our insurance. I picked him up after work and took him to get the rental car.

I have recently gone back to working full time and I know how hard it is to book the plumber, car servicing, buy groceries, fix meals, etc etc etc....however, I don't know how it would all get done without my husband doing something to aid in the mix.

I cook and he does dishes....I book appointments for his car and he takes it...I call the air guy to fix the air conditioner and we look at our work schedules and decide who can be home to meet him.

I still do all the clothes shopping for the kids, all the medical stuff, all the after school activities, etc etc....but when I ask nicely he will step in to help me...but I have to be very specific (pick up son on your way home from martial arts at 7pm). Be at children's school at 6pm for activity. Here is the number for the plumber, could you call him today and explain the problem and book him (he will take you more seriously, you know the right vocabulary to use).

I really don't understand the he pays for this and I pay for that....you guys are married...WE pay for everything. WE have a checking account, WE have a savings account, WE have retirement accounts....it is a WE not YOU and ME. He is CEO and I am CFO. Together we run this marriage.

I am really not sure how to fix things at this point. Maybe if you try not doing so much...eat on paper plates, live with a dirty tub for a while, let him get his own car fixed or have it die...what can you do to change you? You can only change yourself and your expectations. You are not going to change him...try and find the things about him you fell in love with and concentrate on those for a while...watch tv with him and let the dishes sit...go out on the weekends he is not target shooting and do your own hobby or hey, ask him to teach you to target shoot and go together (get a sitter)...try and rekindle the spark/romance then slowly ask him to take on one thing at a time...

Big hugs and sorry for the novel!!

If you have such a bad job that you are working 66 hours a week, which is 16 hours of overtime and you are still making less than half of what he makes why are you working at all? The added expenses of child care, taxes, transportation have to eat up all your wages and then some. In other words you are paying others to allow you to work, why do it?

I also don't quite understand how you can make appointments and get things fixed when you are working past normal business hours.

By the way, what oil do you use in your car? Just for an added buffer I would love to use oil in my car that can allow an engine to drive for hundreds of miles without any oil and not destroy the engine after 20 miles.

It's time to stop rescuing him. When you're not there, you're at work, what does he do to feed himself? What does he do with his time?

If it were me I'd eat out on the way home, come home, go change into relaxing clothes then go lay down for bed. I'd have no need for anything at home. If he makes a whole sink of dirty dishes then he'll be the one cooking around them. Maybe he'll start to see that he's the one making the messes.

I'd just let everything go and tell him you're tired and not the main. That if he wants to live like that then he can hire someone to come in twice per week and clean the kitchen and do his laundry.

I do my laundry and throw a few things in for the grand kids but my hubby does his own laundry if he can't figure out where the hamper is. If it's not in the hamper then it's not laundry to me.

I am not a door mat, I'm a person with a mind. I stand up for myself and don't let anyone treat me as less than I am.

Lots of mom's feel this way. I suggest that as long as you take care of everything he will continue to let you do it. I suggest that some of this issue is caused by not having firm boundaries. Have you tried to discuss together who will be responsible for what tasks? Make a list and divy up the responsibilities. Then, be careful to accept responsibility for the tasks you agreed to take care of.

Your relationship will still be difficult but difficult in a different way. He will.still not be responsible and he will be angry with you. However, I suggest you will eventually be less angry because you aren't taking care of everything. You are putting the responsibility back on him where it belongs.

Be as neutral as possible when saying, "geez, you forgot to make an appointment to get the car serviced. That's too bad" with a calm slight smile. If no car service means you take alternative transportation, tell yourself "so sad, the comes out of his check."

This will not be easy. It will help if you can learn to focus on yourself and what you're willing to do. Only do what you want to do. Allow him to carry the full weight of his responsibility. Never argue. Say, "I can do that. I can't do that. I'm sorry you're inconvenienced." Or you can say, I have this and this to do. I can do this if you'll do that." Stay calm. Know that when you argue/fight he and his family see it as a tantrum. Arguing shows you feel powerless and have no control. You've given your power to your husband. Take back your control. Anger is an attempt to show power. It gives the opposite message.

Anger is the first step in taking back power. It will take time for you to actually feel powerful. Fake it til you make it.

I suggest reading a Love and Logic parenting book to learn ways to have control and feel successful. Chronologically, your husband is an adult but he's acting as a child to your parent.

I also suggest reading about co-depency. Sounds like you're waiting for him to take responsibility so you can be happy.

I'm suggesting you learn a new way of thinking and reacting. Most of us don't realize we can have control of how we feel. We cannot change anyone but ourselves.

He will only become responsible when he realizes being irresponsible hurts him. Yes, you nagging, yelling, etc hurts him but because of his strong emotions it doesn't teach him how to be responsible. He just reacts to your strong emotion with his strong emotion.

I suggest that when you choose what you are willing to do, you will feel more in control and eventually feel less angry. At least that's worked for me.

I did have to let go of needing things a certain way. It really isn't a crisis when car service isn't done in a timely manner. I don't get mine serviced as often as recommended. As to fixing things in the house, if getting it fixed is important to you, hire someone. You know he won't get around to doing it. My parents fought all the time about that. Hurts the kids. Hurts you. Do what takes care of you and them. The more you complain the longer it will take to get it done.

Of course, life shouldn't be this way. He should be doing these things. You can't change him. You have a choice. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

I suggest finding a way to spend regular time together doing something you both enjoy could improve the way you feel about each other. Counseling could also help. It's very difficult to step back and look at life and our expectations differently.

First, if possible you should find a job that does not require you to work 11 hours a day for minimal pay. No one should work 11 hours a day. It actually COSTS money to work, in transportation, clothing, food, etc., so unless you are making a half-way decent wage you might find that you can save enough money by staying home that it might not be worth the few hundred extra dollars you actually make after expenses.

However, if you refuse to combine incomes with your husband this won't work. I agree with the poster below that you should not have separate expenses. After my first marriage, I vowed I wouldn't do that again.

I agree with the others to stop picking up his slack. And you have to listen to what he is telling you: he feels criticized, which often causes men to shut down, which he has. (Our therapist, a male, talks about this a lot.) So do not micromanage him. Accept what he does as good enough, even if his effort is marginal. He will probably never do things as well as you do.

Also, talk to him in "I" terms, not "you" terms. "It hurts my feelings when I feel that I'm not cared about." Not, "YOU didn't do X."

Good luck.

When we were first married, my husband and I lived in an apartment with a tiny kitchen.
He had this habit of putting his dirty dishes in the sink - never rinsing, never putting them into the dishwasher.
It seemed like every time I turned around there was something in the sink for me to take care of.
So, one day I stopped.
After about 3 days, my husband walks into the kitchen, opens the cupboard to get a bowl - and the cupboard is EMPTY.
He's like "Honey? Where did all the dishes go?".
I come in, gently turn him around, point to the sink - now piled high with every dish we owned - and he says "Oh".
So he and I both got things into the dish washer, it took a few loads but we got it all cleaned up TOGETHER.
And after that he's always made it a point to get things into the dishwasher so a load could be done soon as we had a full load.
If you're good enough to EAT off the plates, then you're good enough to help GET THEM WASHED.

If Hubby gets himself into a mess - it's up to him to get it fixed.
You need to resist the urge to rescue him.
If he wants you to do it - you're too busy with other things to get around to it anytime soon.

Sounds to me like your a single mom. Your frustrated because you are married! Look at it this way and ask your self what if he never changes? Now you know the answer!
You need to see things now as a single mom your mortgage is paid, car payment, etc.. Most of the major expenses! Lots of single moms out there don't have that! Stop taking care of his stuff he is a grown man. If he wrecks his car let him deal with it. Assess your life from single mode and disengage. Make your self happy find some outside fun for your self. Concentrate on yourself and your son! You are wearing yourself out judging him expecting things to be different. If he can't clean up after himself hire someone to do it! Many single moms out there living fun lives! Then see if he notices you have disengaged if not move on to plan B getting rid of him!

Why are you working so much to earn so little?
Can you afford to quit? Work part time?
Look, I've been married nearly 20 years to. WONDERFUL guy who can and does do everything from cook to lawn care to repairing things to vacuuming to cleaning bathrooms.
I'll tell you this:
•give him HIS RESPONSIBILITES then let him do it and don't do it yourself.
Also, don't RE-DO IT.
•open your mouth and tell him EXACTLY what you want him to do. This sounds like "please empty the dishwasher when you get home and launder a load of towels" not like this "you need to help more, I'm exhausted, you never do anything..."
Men are not mind readers. Be specific. Often.
Make a list or a note.
Good luck!

I'm sorry you're so frustrated. One thing stands out to me. I've never understood why married couples don't pool their income into one account any pay all the bills together. Wouldn't it feel more like you are a unified team and family if their are no his bills, my bills, but only our bills? Neither my husband nor I like paying bills (go figure) but we take turns each month, or at least every so often, so both of us are owners in the process and we are on the same page about where our money is going.

I also agree with Gamma. What if you tried to stop any nagging and criticizing, but also stop rescuing him. He goes target shooting every other weekend. Find a hobby or activity just for yourself. Let him spend a fair amount of parenting time. Take good care of yourself and your things. Set your boundaries. Don't touch his. If something around the house needs attention, take care of it if it is important to you. If it's not, don't do it. See what happens. If after awhile he isn't stepping up, tell him how you feel. "I feel stressed out and uncomfortable being around your sink full of dishes, dirty laundry piles, etc. Maybe he doesn't care about many of the things you care about, but you'll at least find out how much he cares about you. Then you have to decide how much you can accept and if you're willing to stay in the same situation.

Sorry but it doesn't seem he will change.

I have found in many relationships of my friends, once they had a child together, their relationship changes. The man felt less important/less cared for becase the wife took on the role of complete caretaker for their
child. It sounds like he may not do much around the house. I would ask him nicely to help take care of the
outside things (the lawn, the cars, fixing sprinklers etc.). Then I'd take care of the inside (laundry,
cooking and dishes). And here's why....because I know I do a better job of those things and I want it done.
My husband on the other hand can take care of the occasional M.. It's best to have a partnership. I
don't have that in my household but I hold him accountable to things like he makes the major money, I take care of
our kids......because I do it better and I'm more loving to our kids. I would not expect much from him nor
would I talke to his parents about it.

Okay, so this is attempt no 3 to posting a few answers on questions.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and answer. I value every one!

Here goes: I work 7am to 6pm without lunch break between because I a smoker and trade my time. I've worked myself up in the company which is a franchised automotive workshop, I however work for the head office so we don't work on cars were I am. I earn a decent salary and my son is in full time day-care which he loves. I realized said a few hundred miles instead of meters, sorry for that. It was 600meters.

So I would like to add additional context as well. I feel like I'm running 2jobs at once, one at my paying job, the other at my home. I asked him to help me clean on a Saturday before his parents arrived for a sleep over, and he told me not that's my job. So I told him it's not my job my job is to be a marketing manager and not his maid and I never sighed up for this Bs. So, he stated clearly that if I don't want to do it I can move back to my mother's. Ok same day, my son and I went to a birthday party and had to leave him and his parents behind. I decided to enjoy myself and not rush home, but when I did arrive home they had their dinner. Arriving in the kitchen, what a mess, kitchen counters dirty, dirty plates everywhere. They left it for me to clean, even though I was cleaning when they arrived.

So after writing the same thing 3 times, I would like to share one last thought. Like I said after the birth of our son it's as if he became more messy. He likes to ne the center of attention, he loves our son no doubt. But I think he's making this mess to keep me busy so I can't spend time with my son. I likes it when my son prefer to go to him instead of me. I don't resent all the work, I resent him for not giving me the space and time to also be able to bond with our son.

I think the fact that he is being blantently messy is the part that bothers me the most. It sounds like he is jealous of your attention to your son, but can't handle it. I agree with your update, you need to really put your foot down and not clean up after him. His parents sound like dbags, maybe that why their son is one too. No one who was that disrespectful to me would be welcome in my house.
Anyway, good luck! Just be direct and calm with him. For sure don't do his laundry or anything that helps him out until you get it resolved. I would just be cleaning up things that my son and I need. Somehow, you need to get across to him that the only way he is going to get time or attention from you is if he treats you well.

Don't allow him to treat you this way. It sounds simple, but stop doing all these things you don't want to do.

You cannot change him. His behavior may change (he could step up) but only if you make room for him to. So stop booking the car repair. If he's busy because of a hobby (rifles) then be busy with your own hobby.

I have friends and a sister who've fallen into this trap. They did it all. I don't know if it's because they like control or just felt that because their husbands made more, they should manage everything... I don't know what prompted them to do everything in the beginning, but they grew resentful and their marriages suffered. They kept blaming the husband. But they didn't see they had gotten into this pattern, and instead of changing it, they were just complaining. That's not action. That's just words.

We all have done this about something in our marriage. So it's common. But when you're not happy, you have to make the change. He's not unhappy - he's probably just growing resentful of all the nagging.

I like Marda's advice. She lists the steps to make change. If you find it too hard, if the pattern is too ingrained, or your husband is resisting your changes, then a marital therapist can be helpful too. If he won't go, you could always go and get tools and support to make your life what you want it to be. But change starts from within. You can definitely do it. I have friends who've been successful.

good luck and keep us posted :)