Tips for Improving My Children's Relationship with Each Other

You improve relations a lot by giving them as much time away from each other as possible.
With 5 years between them - they are at different stages of development and have their own friends.
Try really hard not to group them together all the time.
The 8 yr old can be a little more independent - he can read in his room to get away from sis for awhile - and sis should leave him alone when he's there.
The age gap will always be there - when she's 8, he'll be 13, when she's 13, he'll be 18, when she's 18, he'll be 23, etc.
They both need to be doing their own thing.
The more time they spend apart - they more should be able to stand each other the few times they have to be together.

Keeping them apart and interacting with kids their own age gives them time to be an individual. The less time they spend together the more time they have to develop "I miss my sibling" feelings.

My sister and I are 2.5 years apart and bickered for our entire childhoods. We get along well as adults, but it took growing up and having physical distance before we became 'reacquainted' as our adult selves.

The age gap is wider with my brothers. I rarely fought with them *so long as they didn't pester me*. I think that's the key here. Your son and daughter are in different places developmentally and the gap means they are incompatible as playmates at this time. Limit the time they spend together by keeping her occupied with other things. For example, just because he goes outside to play doesn't mean she always needs to follow. Distract her by reading a book or playing a game.

He needs a space that is entirely free from his sister, so empower him to be in charge of his room. Keep her out of it unless he issues an invitation. Having the ability to be alone in privacy will go a long way towards mitigating his irritation and resentment. If the little one has a fit about it, make sure you reinforce the rule. Your son will feel supported and your daughter will learn about boundaries. Your son will also need to respect the same rule in regards to his sister's space.

I have 4 kids so I know all about bickering. THEY WILL ALWAYS BICKER ABOUT SOMETHING. When it would start I'd give a warning and if it continued they'd be given a time out. I was the parent and I didn't need older siblings trying to parent the younger ones. Not their job not going to happen.Your son shouldn't be correcting his sister's swinging. If she flies off she flies off and won't do it again. When your son starts to parent squash it asap by saying 'I'm the mom and I've got this.'

Make sure your daughter isn't always up in her brother's business. A 5 yr age gap at this point is HUGE and they really have nothing in common. He needs to have time and space without an annoying sister around.She needs to know that she's not allowed to invite herself into his space whenever she wants.She needs to learn boundries and manners. While a 3 yr old has less impulse control she still needs to practice so when she goes off to school she'll know how to interact.

Why are you blaming this all on your son? It sounds like your daughter needs to be told to change her behavior too. 3 is a tough age but she needs to learn how to act nicely around her brother.

ETA: You asked a question exactly like this a year ago!! It really seems to be time to work on your daughter!!

Make sure your kids have plenty of time away from each other. Separate activities, play dates, outings etc. Have separate areas in the house for them to hag out in. I find that the more time my kids spend apart, the better they get along when they are together.

There's really no way that an 8 year old can appreciate a 3 year old. He doesn't have a mother's love for that toddler, he hasn't developed the maturity to understand the development of a toddler or pre-schooler, he's a young boy who is bugged by a little kid. That's normal.

I don't know if I'd term it "offended". More like "annoyed". And I can see where telling him to ignore it doesn't work. He needs to see you correcting the 3 year old's behavior, and not brushing it off as just 3 year old stuff.

Have you gotten him involved with things that are appropriate for him, like beginner martial arts, or sports? Expecting him to engage with her on the swingset at these ages probably isn't practical. Show the 3 year old that you respect her older brother's input, and get him into something that gives him some time away from her, like Little League or Tae Kwon Do.

Of course, this doesn't mean that you tolerate rude behavior between the two. Demonstrate kind words, politeness, respect for both your children, and get the 2 of them into age-appropriate activities. Don't push for no rivalry. If you start every day planning for the 2 of them to get along great, you'll lose sight of the big picture. Aim for the development of good character, respectful behavior, obedience, and the ability to become a good friend/teammate/classmate/family member within each child, separately and age-appropriately.

Lower your expectations.

Siblings bicker. That's just the way it goes. It's not reasonable to expect them to always get along or always play together or always be best friends. They are different people, at very different ages and stages. They aren't even at an age where they might play together or even watch a tv show together. They have nothing in common.

In a few years they will occasionally have something in common and even want to spend time together. During those rare times ... enjoy. In the meantime, accept the fact that they (and you) are all going to be happier if you just let them do their own thing and do not have an expectation of then always getting along.

Time. Young kids bicker, that is what they do. My kids are two sets of two with 9 years between the middles because apparently it took me 8 years to forget why I had 2 kids for 8 years. My kids bicker, fight, climb walls, and then they grow up.

My two oldest are best friends now, the younger two are friends, but it took time and maturity, it isn't something you can force.

Just wanted to add after reading your what happened and the offensive answers, my two daughters are 26 and 15. Because of the age gap they just started getting along like friends in the past year. Five years is a big gap and boy to girl. Time is all that will work.

Why does your daughter get to gab away at her brother? Where's her accountability for HER actions? Yes. She's 3. She has to learn sometime. Is she the queen of the house because she's the baby of the family and a girl? What gives?

Your son went 5 years as an only child. NOW he's got to share you with HER. And you don't seem to punish her for being smart with him. Why is it always HIS fault? Why wouldn't he take it personally? She gets to walk around like she owns the place.

I have 4 boys. Each roughly 2 years apart. There is NEVER a dull moment in our home. Do they bicker at each other? oh my! yes!! how did we handle it when the oldest had a problem with the youngest, who is 6 years younger? We told him to say something like, John I hear you. I appreciate your caring. Has they told him to bugger off? yep. We'll take bugger off instead of eff off. they need to learn to speak and stand up for themselves at some point.

with our middle two? I've had them sit on the floor, facing each other with their knees touching and they have to say at least 5 good or nice things about the other. They cannot get up until they have. It reminds them that the other person has qualities and is a person too.

I have no problems with sibling rivalry. It's helped my kids in sports and in school. Especially when one of them gets 100% on a test and the other got 85%.

Try to never take sides.

I used to tell my girls that fighting made my ears hurt and they both must stop. That I didn't care who started it, I only care that it stopped.

I used to say if you have time to fight then you have time to clean...believe me they didn't want to pick up toys or dust.

The only thing I can say would be to address each kid with what they are doing. So tell the 8 year old to ignore the 3 year old and tell the 3 year old to stop telling the 8 year old what to do. If you make them both feel like you're on their side, it will help.

Other than that, it will honestly take time. My older sister and I were best friends growing up. We aren't so close anymore. My younger sister is 6 years younger than me and we didn't start really getting along until she was 12 and I was 18. Now she is one of my best friends. It's all about maturity, growing up, what kids feel is fair, and how you react to it all.

Good luck!

Happy,

Your daughter needs to learn to keep her mouth shut. It's that simple. She seems to be the one causing the problems by talking out of turn and giving advice that was not requested.

Why does your daughter get to badger him and he can't push back? Why does she get special treatment? She's the one causing the problems. NOT your son.

Your son needs to learn how to move past unwanted advice. He can learn to say "thank you, Ana, I appreciate you watching out for my safety." and move on.

Siblings bicker. I've got 2 older ones. I'm the baby of the family. There's 7 years difference between my sister and I. It was not fun all the time.

Good luck!

I think you got some good responses already (and some wacky ones too LOL). I just wanted to chime in that my sons are 18, 12 and 10 and they still bicker, even the oldest one. The younger brothers know how to push the oldest one's buttons and get on his nerves and like a little kid, he goes for the bait every time and engages them. You'd think that as an actual adult he would be able to disengage, ignore and walk away but nope...they throw out the bait and reel him right in. You'll probably be dealing with some variation of this 10 years from now. Heck I'm in my early 40's and my siblings and I still know how to push each others' buttons. We don't do it often but every now and again something will come up at a holiday meal or whatever where we all retreat back to our little kid personas...my older sister and I competing with each other, my younger brother instigating, my younger sister getting defensive and over-reacting...those patterns are pretty ingrained.

One of my kids is touchy. Reacts poorly when the others give him a hard time. To me, that was something he had to learn to shrug off and not take personally - because he'll experience that in life too, with friends, kids at school or in sports, later co-workers etc.

Kids' personality traits don't always mesh in families. I guess I kind of accepted that and didn't expect them to be the best of pals. Some of mine are, but some really get on each other's nerves. I just make sure they have time apart, and tell them to separate if they bug each other or if someone is really upset. It's up to the upset person to leave (take a moment) and the annoying one has to sometimes be reminded that their thoughts are just provoking their sibling, so stop it.

It was the same in my family growing up. My brother was a know it all and drove me nuts. So my older siblings would tell him to smarten up (stood up for me). And I developed a back bone.

I think I would view it as a challenge they need to learn how to deal with on their own. So help your older child figure out ways to deal with his emotions (not to take it personally) and what can he do to handle it better. Similarly as your younger one gets older, help her realize when she's bothering someone.

Tell HER to stop, leave her brother alone, that her brother is fine doing 8 year old things. SHE needs to learn boundaries. Just cause they're "normal 3 year old things" doesn't mean they're OK to do.

Teaching HER to have better boundaries with your son will do a whole lot more to help the situation than telling him to ignore or not be offended.

If he sees you building boundaries, he'll learn by example how to do them, and he might be able to ignore it because he'll understand that you "get it". Right now, you're not getting it. She's being a pest, and your expecting him to just deal with it. That's really your job, and by modeling dealing with it in a REAL way, he'll learn how to deal with it in a real way.

I agree with cha-cha. I went back and read your questions from last October. And it's virtually the same thing: My son gets frustrated with my daughter's behavior; How do I change/fix my son?

Well, you don't. You stop expecting your son to just accept and tolerate annoying behavior from his sister. Just because he is older (and might be into reading books and capable of absorbing information about child development) does not mean that the way to approach their issues is to make him rise above and view things from a more mature perspective. He's 8. Even if he were 15, he shouldn't be expected to just "deal with" her annoying behavior.

SHE should be corrected about how to behave around other people. He should have the ability to remove himself from her presence when she is annoying (and let's face it, 3 year olds can be REALLY annoying, even if we love them) without any recriminations or guilt from you. He should have spaces he can *be* without her getting in his space and intruding into his 8-year-old-ness. That's the case even with kids closer in age. They should be able to have some expectation of privacy when they don't want to engage with others. Let him go read a book, without her interrupting his train of thought while he reads. Or ride his bike without her tagging along. Or play with friends without her under foot constantly and inserting herself into his play with friends. Or just sit on the grass outside and enjoy the sunlight without expecting him to listen to her endless questions and directions about how or what he should or shouldn't be doing.

(Now, I know that you haven't said she does all those things, but I'm using them as examples of the *types* of things that he should be able to do without constantly dealing with a 3 year old's intrusions. Every moment in life isn't a moment for siblings to bond.)

Yes, he should interact with her, regularly, and be kind, and include her in the things he can from time to time. But not always. Not every time. There are vast differences in their interests, abilities, and maturity. And when his patience is up, HE is not the parent who is obligated to watch her, or listen to her questions or whatever. That's your job. To listen, direct, correct, encourage, and so on. It's quite nice of an 8 year old to engage in those things with a 3 year old, but it is just that.. .being NICE. And it sounds like he has been expected to do this all of the time. You're all family, so I get that. But, he's 8 and not the parent.
I will add this, as well... if he happens to be an introvert, he may be even more frustrated than you imagine, and he might have been putting in far more effort than you are aware of (though it sounds like he's been quite patient with her)...

The way Post reads to me is ..,Your 3 year old is a bossy little sister and you think your 8 year old should just roll with it?

No your 3 year old needs to be put in her place. I know this is a normal stage for a 3 year old. It's also normal to tell her she is not the boss! She will have no friends in kinder of you don't teach her.

Maybe that's not your thought pattern and I'm sorry if I misread it. But it sounded like it was all being placed on the 8 year old to me.

I agree they need space from each other until she learns that she doesn't get to tell big brother what to do or not do. My sibs where 5 years apart and very close.

My kids are 5 years apart and we have dealt with this a lot. My son would just get so frustrated with his little sister. Then other times he would love everything about her. It was very hot and cold with lots of bickering. I think him just being super busy with his own stuff, his own friends, and now being in a different school (middle school) has given them time apart which has helped greatly. The other thing is maybe he has simply matured...perhaps being 12 brings with it a more mature way of dealing with his little sister because he seems to get frustrated less and he just chuckles at her more instead of getting mad. He could NOT handle it at ALL when he was 8 even though I was always telling him not to take things personally or to not take what she says so seriously. He finally gets that this year. I never tried that book. Good luck!

I didn't read where anyone chewed you up and spit you out or turned your question around for "fodder". Don't take things so personally. No one was attacking you or your family. You were given lots of ideas.

Anywho.... I am 6 years older than my brother. We have never been close. The age difference was so much that we never really interacted with each other as siblings and after my mom left my dad, I was the designated babysitter and my brother never liked that, nor did I.

Some siblings, even some close in age just aren't close. It's not the end of the world if they are not BFF's. I do think mutual respect for each other is needed.

In the real world, we don't get along with everyone we meet.

You are not a failure if your children are not closer. It does not reflect negatively on your parenting.

Yes, we had family game nights and some fun times but my brother and I just never had the connection.

I do think it's important for each child to socialize with children their age and in time, they might come around to each other but don't try to force the issue.

Good luck.

They both need to learn the key to relationships - stop fighting and move to separate corners. The fighting is never going to be "fair" given the age difference, and there has to be a balance: the 3 year old has to learn that she's not in charge, but she should be given a certain amount of leeway in not being able to express herself as well as an 8 year old. Your son needs to learn to be a little more compassionate about a 3 year old trying to hold her own, and he needs to see that he has the upper hand here. He can walk away, go to his room, and be unsupervised in a way that a 3 year old cannot. He can take the high road. He can also take away his personal things (toys, whatever) that are not hers to play with, and she can learn to hear the word "no".

An 8 year old should not be "bickering" with a 3 year old. The same way a parent should not be "bickering" with a child - it's unseemly and inappropriate. It's not a "fair fight" and your 8 year old should stop trying to win it. But he also should get some leeway to rise above the juvenile nonsense and walk away from it.

Every boxing match has a bell, and the 2 opponents go to their own corners. All the referee does is enforce the break in the action. I suggest you employ the same thing. They go to their rooms until they can get along. If they can't get along, fine. You can work a bit on getting your daughter to respect her older brother, and to get him to find her a bit amusing and yearning for his attention. If he can laugh at her silliness (not to her face) and if she can aspire to be a big kid like him someday, great.

I understand your dilemma, although my children are closer in age and older (11 and 12) we still have a huge issue with one saying things (sometimes mean, but mostly just stupid or silly things) to the other and the other getting overly upset over basically nothing, and of course the over the top reaction of taking it so personally just encourages kid one to keep it up. We talk to them both every time this happens, the instigator gets scolded for purposely doing things he knows will upset his brother, but because life will not walk on eggshells for someone being overly sensitive we do also talk to the other one about not overreacting to simple words or letting his brother bother him so greatly. But even though we nip it in the bud when we see it we know it will continue because they are siblings, and sibling relationships can be complicated and don't always work the way other types of relationships do. Hopefully in the end, even after years of driving each other insane, they will still be friends, and so far that is what we have seen with our boys. They fight, they pick on each other, but at the end of the day they still love each other.

Spend special one-on-one time with your son.

When the two of them are "fighting," blame them equally, even though your younger is probably not at fault. "I see the two of you can't get along right now, I think it's time for a break from each other."

Usually older sibs pick on younger ones because they are jealous, so extra attention for the older one plus not blaming him for things (even though given their ages, it's probably mostly him causing the problem) will usually go a long way toward improving relations.