The Guilt of Working Is Killing Me!

Hey there,
I'm a full time working mom with an extremely demanding career. I'm on the road a lot, and have been for the past decade. I went back to work 6 weeks after my oldest was born and 3 months after my youngest was born - so all they have ever known is a full-time working mom. For our family, this has been our only choice - I'm the breadwinner in our family. My husband works hard but he makes about a quarter of what I do, and has no interest in being a stay at home parent himself.

Here's where I sit with this. I've always paid for the very best child care I could afford. And honestly, the 2 nannies we've had have raised my kids with more enthusiasm and knowledge than I could ever have hoped to have myself. Like your little girl, my daughters were always happy as they could be when I dropped in unannounced, or called. Did it tug on my heartstrings that I couldn't be there full time? Sure. But my alternative was to go live under a bridge in a cardboard box and dig food out of the dumpster, and let's face it, having my kids catered to by a loving person is by FAR the lesser of those two evils!

Now that my kids are a little bit older, I try to bring them to a jobsite (I manage facilities and remodel projects for a restaurant chain) and show them what I do, and I take pictures whenever I go on a road trip so I can show them where I was. Just like SAHM's demonstrate to their children their skills and talents in the home, I am proud to show my girls my skills and talents in my workplace. Likewise I show them how math, writing and negotiation skills are required in my job, and it does make me proud when they gravitate to the little Home Depot tools when we go to the toy store!

Bottom line is, as a working mom you can have as much to offer your child as you do as a stay at home mom. You do not need to feel guilty. I promise you there isn't a man alive who would feel guilty for working - men are raised to feel pride in providing for their families, and women should feel the same way whether they stay at home or whether they work. It's interesting that in our society these days, if you work you're "selfish," and if you stay home you're "pampered." That's ridiculous - we all work hard and deserve not to feel guilty for our choices! Our mothers' generation fought hard so that we could have choices; give yourself permission to feel happy about making your choice.

I wish you the best of luck with your family and your career!

I work full time also. There I am not sure I have much advice, But I want to let you know you are a great Mom just to care enough to worry and want to be home. As a parent there are sacrifices that have to be made. Just make the time you do have with her special. I keep my boys up a little later at night just so I can have extra time with them. I dont get home until about 6 and we dont start the bedtime routine until 8:45. That is just a few hours but we seem to pack it full of fun: playground, toys, bathtime, reading, go for a walk, all sorts of things. Bed time routine takes a while so after brushing teeth, reading story and snuggle time, they usually arent sleeping until 9:30. I am so jealous that you were able to stay home for 14 months! That was a tremendous amount of time for her to bond with you. THe time she has away is just play time and probably naptime. I am sure the look on her face is priceless when you/Daddy pick her up at night. And really make the weekends count! With your new hours. Does that allow your child less time with your sister-in-law and more time with you or your husband? Try to focus on the blessings. YOu are a tremendous Mom working hard to provide for your wonderful family. Remember that. Make as many phone calls as time allows to hear your "Little Angels" Giggles and see if your sis-in-law can put you on speaker phone just so you can say hi. I do that a lot.
Hang in there!

S., I don't want to seem insensitive, but your daughter doesn't care whether you are renting or not. I don't think the feeling you have is meant to be "overcome," but rather it is the result of the violation of the natural impulse to protect and nurture your own child. I think you need to talk to your husband about your desire to be with your daughter and gain his support so you don't feel like you have to work "for the family." By the way, houses are so dirt cheap right now, I would think you could buy for whatever you are paying in rent if that is important to him. Again, I don't want to seem harsh or narrow-minded on this issue. I realize I don't know what your financial situation is, but it sounds like you were able to make it work for 14 months. Even if your daughter is happy while she is with the sitter, you are pretty unhappy, and your contentment should be worth something. I hope you aren't married to someone who would put financial goals before his wife and daughter's well being.

I have two sons, 14 and 9. I took 8 weeks off after they were each born and was back to full time work right after that.

I know how you feel about leaving her...it is so hard. I too am not in the financial situation to be able to stay home...that has never been an option for me. Sometimes I get bitter about it and feel very guilty, and I have to remind myself of the positive aspects of it.

Being a working mom does not mean that your relationship with your child has to suffer. Working moms have to accept that the quality of time spent with our children is way more important than the quantity of time. Take that guilt that you feel and turn it into positive, productive and loving time with her as often as you can. Know that she is safe and loved during the day (and by a family member...that is so awesome!) while you are at work.

As she gets older, she may wish that you could be with her more often, but she will also feel proud to have a mom who is out there in the working world and who can still come home and get down on the floor and play with her at the end of a long day.

Sit down and write a list of the positive aspects of working. Carry that list with you and read it often. All the things on that list may not outweigh the longing that you feel to be with her during the day, but it will remind you of your purpose and will help you to stay focused on the positive side of being a working mom.

Also, although balancing work and family is a HUGE challenge (and not one that I have always been successful at!), I have to admit that there is something gratifying about it. It just makes you feel so proud of yourself that you can go to work, do a great job there, and maintain a happy, healthy family life all at once. It can be done...it won't always be perfect, but you and your daughter will be better people for it.

Sorry to make this so long! As you can see, this is a subject near to my heart! (And I'm using a lot of this to continue inspiring myself as well!) Hang in there! And remember, you're a great mom!!!!

A house is nice and all but it can also enslave you! I have a house and I HAVE TO work to keep up the payments since my husband's income is not enough.. and I wish I would not have this stress. We want a second but because we have this expensive house, I would have to work right away... so I may not have a 2nd because of the house.

What is a house worth and what is your time with your precious child worth. Maybe the house can wait! Believe me it will only be worse once you buy it. It will be a much bigger responsibility than renting. There is a lot of freedom in renting. Something to think about and discuss with your husband.

Hi Sorrely...I know it's overwhelming to read all these responses, but I wanted to share with you because I am in the same boat. I have two boys - 4 and 15 months, and like you, I'm 31. I work full-time and really struggle with it. My mom watches my kids. In February, my husband and I bought a home that is currently under construx in a new development. We've always rented and wanted our own home desperately, so we jumped in even though we felt some misgivings about what it would mean for us financially.

About a month ago, things really started going downhill with my job. I have been really wanting to quit and stay home with my kids, but we knew that I would be stuck working forever once the house closed because we couldn't afford it on one income. My husband and I sat down one night and really had a heart to heart over what was more important - having the house or me having time with our kids. We even asked our 4-year-old if he wanted to live in the fancy new house of if he wanted to see mommy more. He picked mommy without a second thought. I will be quitting my job soon, and we decided to keep renting for now.

Hard as it was to give up our dream of owning a home, we know that there will be time for that later. The time we have with our kids when they are little is so short. Look ahead 20 years from now when your daughter is grown. Are you going to look back and regret making something material a bigger priority than spending that short, precious time with your baby?

What will really make you happy? A house or your daughter? I decided that I can live without the house for now, but I can't live without my kids anymore. The thing about earthly possessions is that you can't take them with you.

I understand your husband's desire for the house - it's one that my husband shares, but why not try getting out the calculator this weekend and see if there's a way you can make it work without your job so that you can be where your heart is. You'll have years to work once your daughter starts school.

Whatever you decide, take heart in knowing that you're doing what you think is best. I know what a tough situation you're in. Blessings to you and your family.

Hi S.-!

This is a decision every mom makes at one time or another - here are some of my thoughts on it:

Your children do not need a house or 'things' more than they need you. They don't need preschool, or lessons, or their own room - they don't need very many toys or a big wardrobe. They don't need convenience or preprocessed foods. What a bill of goods we've been sold that tells us unless we have a college education, house, private school, etc. all lined up for our kids, then maybe we shouldn't have them - our culture is really out of it in this way.
I knew I wanted to be the one to be with my kids when they were little - I knew it in my heart. I was willing to sacrifice whatever I needed to in order to make that happen. I decided to stay home when my husband was still in school. We had VERY little money. I have also usually worked at home as well - whether teaching piano or voice lessons, or doing a home daycare. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment when my first son was born. Later we lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with our three kids, age 5, 7, and 9.
Most people in the world - outside of our country - would consider a 2 bedroom apartment huge. An interesting thing to do is to talk to your parents about stories from their parents about raising children in modest circumstances.
Through a completely unforeseen bonus my husband received at work, we were able to buy a tiny 900 sq ft. 3 bedroom house. Again - it doesn't really matter. The time with your kids is what matters - what you teach them, etc. You don't get it back. We don't have our 4 kids' college education fund. We don't take fancy trips. We buy in bulk and cook a lot at home. Are all of those things of more worth than bringing these children into our lives? Of course not. My husband and I both put ourselves through college - it can be done. Once your child is an adult, the whole wide world is open to them - they can accomplish whatever they want to. You never know what is in your future - but you can choose who goes there with you and how much time you get to spend with them.

There are many single parents out there who simply do not have the option to stay home. If you have even a remote option - take it. It sounds like this is what you really want. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Do what is best for you. Even if it requires financial sacrifice. You will not regret it.

There are also many people who prefer to work. If this is what they truly want in their heart - then they follow that path. Decide what you truly want. Then follow your heart :)

I am a full time mom to 2 boys and had to go back very early on. I think It is probably harder for you becuase you stayed home so long. I have an exact routine with my boys and there has NEVER been a meltdown when I leave to go to work in the morning. I feel lucky my boys are good with it. I see them every morning and get home and have one on one time with them. It just takes time to get adjusted for them. I had to remind myself that my mom was also a 9 to 5er and I grew up very succeful and am thankful for it. I am in no way scarred or missed out on my child hood becuase my mom went to work. Good luck. Your being a good role model to your kid!

It is better to sacrifice financially than to sacrifice the needed time and attention for your daughter. These moments are precious and nothing can replace you as her mother. The extra materials items gained will be nothing compared to the missed time you could spend nurturing, teaching, and loving your little girl. However, there are some necessities to life, such as rent and food. These are responsibilities you, as parents, can't shirk. If you have to hold a job in order to pay rent or have food on the table, then you are doing the best thing by working. However, I suggest that you only get the minimum hours necessary to make it, and spend the rest of your precious time with your little one. It will be well worth it in the end.

S., I just went back to work after 5 months with my baby and am having the same feelings of guilt although I'm the main breadwinner in my family so I don't exactly have a choice. To satisfy my need to see and hear my baby, my hubby bought me a digital photoframe for my office that scrolls a bunch of digital pics of my daughter. I also got two webcameras (Logitech is a good brand), one for home and one for my office, and I use Skype (www.skype.com) which is a free download - to have live online videoconferences with my daughter twice a day. (Also helps my milk let down while I pump!) It is so easy even my very non-tech-savvy mom can "call" me with my daughter, so I'm sure your SIL could do the same as long as she has a computer. Good luck!

I have 3 kids and took off 3 1/2-4 months for each, but had to return to work as we could not afford anymore time off. The first few weeks were difficult, but I started to find that my time at work was my time to be alone and be social. I go into work very early and leave early and spend the evenings with my children. I have a flex time schedule meaning I work longer hours during the week to get every other Friday off - there are more and more companies adopting these schedules to create a work-family balance and improve morale. I have friends who have been able to negotiate working from home 1 day a week, as well. If this job is not giving you the time you feel you need with your children, you may want to spend some time looking for something that is more suitable for you and your family. I have found that my children love going to school and it is usually only me who feels guilty or sad. It is a blessing to have free child care too! Good luck.

It doesn't sound like guilt...it sounds like you're unhappy with the care your daughter is receiving and you're unhappy being apart from her. You're the mom, you know what's best for her. You will never get this time back, so make sure you and your daughter are spending it in a way you're comfortable.

I work, but my son's daycare provider is like family to us and I trust her implicitly. I considered quitting because I missed him so much, but he is truly thriving there and my time at work with adults helps me be a better balanced wife and mom. But I have a very supportive, family-oriented employer (7 out of 8 on my team have and kids). You have to weigh all of these things. We have another one on the way this October and I plan on going back to work when the baby is about four months old. It will be hard, but I want to work now so I can hopefully go part-time when they're in school.

Also, it is a terrible time to buy a house (the market is still dropping) and it is never a practical time to have a child. We're renting right now (thankfully, we sold our home right before the market crashed). You and your husband have to go with your hearts on this. Owning a home is no longer the security it is cracked up to be, but you'll always have your family!

There is a way to work this out, you just have to get creative. It is okay for you to look for another better job, another better childcare situation. You can do it!

I have been working since my daughter was 2 1/2 months old. It was so h*** o* me and still is, she is now 14-months old. I don't always agree with the sitter I have her with, but the sitter is a really good friend. I do pay her the going rate. I know my daughter is in a loving safe environment, so I have to let some of the little things go.
My professional career is struggling. I get reprimanded on a weekly basis for coming in late even though I make up my time. I don't really know what to do about that. I have to go to a conference in August, for three days and my stress level is through the roof about that. I never see myself being a professional working woman again. I cannot give my job 100% and I am not sure when that will come back. I envy all women who get to stay home with their babies.

Find a way to quit work and live with less things. At one point in life I had a nanny at $18 an hour, a gardener and housecleaner- while I worked to pay for all these things. I sold my dream home for 1.5 million, moved to a smaller home and quit my stressful job. I remind my kids that we don't go on fancy vacations, have a fancy home or carry designer handbags because we do not value money, we value our kids. While other kids go to after school daycare so Mom can have a career, I pick up my kids and we talk about their day, spend time on homework and play games. I am teaching them a value system different from American culture. Buying a house does not make you a better Mom or Dad, raising your own children is what makes you great, no matter the sacrifice. Maybe you can find something to do from home- check www.mamasource.com for ideas. I work at home in the morning before the kids are up, and on Saturday, making enough to supplement my husbands income. You must read YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE by Joe Dominquez, I will buy it for you and send you a copy. Do not talk to your husband about this until after you read the book, you'll be more informed.

Why on earth is buying a home so important? Is it really worth it? My heart is hurting for you just reading your post, you need to be with your daughter and she certainly needs you. Moms are supposed to raise their children. That's why we feel so terrible when we don't. Working full time with long hours to be able to have a little more money and buy rather than rent? Your daughter is more important.
I think its a bit different if you want to work, many women want to work. They don't have any trouble leaving their kids in daycare, and God bless loving daycare centers. There are also single parents who have to work. But it doesn't seem like that's the case with you. Too many people think that two incomes are required, that they have to work. I know I was one of them for a very long time.

Can you talk to your husband and rethink this situation. Perhaps he may be able to get a raise or find a higher paying job? Sometimes all you have to is look and a new better-paying job is there to be found. Or, if you have to, perhaps you can find part time work? At least you would be able to spend some time with your daughter and not miss out on being the one to teach and mold her into a young lady.

God bless you and your family.

Hi Sweetie~ I work full time also. It is difficult, but you have to remember what you are working for. For me, I know that my husband and I are providing everything we can for our kids and we are able to save for their college educations, etc. I have a little different situation because my husband and I are both teachers, so we are home earlier and have all summer/school breaks off with the kids. That eases the pain a bit. You just have to focus on why you are working. Also, make your time with her special and make the most of every minute. She knows that you love her and I can guarantee that she loves you. You are a great mom. We all have to make sacrifices in one way or another. Is there anything that you do at work that you could do at home? Maybe you could work a little longer on a couple of days to have another day off during the week. Just a thought! Hang in there. You will be ok, and so will your daughter.

Hi,
This sounds so difficult. I am a SAHM -- but have done various part-part-time mostly at-home jobs over the past 6 years to help w/ the finances. Oftentimes people look at me and say "Oh, you're so lucky you get to stay home with your daughter." I agree that I'm lucky, but also remind them that our family made our choices early on, including the material sacrifices that go with it. We are renters, and we only own one car -- but you know what: I wouldn't change a thing. It seems like so many of my friends are absolutely dragged down by their homes -- and so many folks my parents age too -- I'm not sure homeownership is all it's cracked up to be. Anyway, my best advice is just to try and find balance whenever and wherever you can. One of the biggest things I've learned (am still learning) as a mom is how to set and keep my boundaries -- with demanding bosses, disagreeing hubby, and sweet little babes. I say, go with your gut. I've yet to meet a mom who regretted staying home w/ their little ones -- there are a few who find it's not for them, but they can always go back to work!

I'm sorry S.,

I understand that guilt, as do all moms, whether it's because of working, being sick, other responsibilities...

What I did when I decided I just couldn't leave her with a sitter, I became a sitter. I did child care in my home, which was really difficult for both of us. She had to share me with 7 other kids and it was difficult for her, but I felt better than not being with me at all. What I did for the moms that felt just like you do - ALL of them - is I would periodically take out the video recorder and just make a "day in the life of "johnny". I'd just do a little following him around and talking to him, asking him what he was up to, having fun? I would always have family photos up of all the kids I took care of and would refer to "mom and dad" often. reassuring them that their kids did not forget them and do understand why they are not with them and they still love them. Daycare is good for kids if you find the right one. It was difficult but those videos meant the world to the moms. They could be like a fly on the wall and see that their child was ok, happy and flourishing. I taped those times when they were cranky, selfish, crying, and all the normal things kids go through in a day. If the child were to perform some act for the first time (like walking) I never told the parents. I did not put it on tape. I think it would be too painful. the child will walk again at home and what's the harm in the parents seeing it for the first time. It's not dishonest, just a little different than the real story, but for them it is the first time to see him take that step. Why take that away?

Anyway, you are not alone. Guilt comes with the placenta I'm convinced. Good luck and remember YOU need some time too.

Best to you S.. You are a good mom for even being aware of how your child feels and you are doing the very best you can do. What else can you ask of yourself?

good luck
V.

Hi S.!

It sounds like the decision you and your husband made about you working is backfiring. I think it's normal to feel guilty....even when everything goes well, we mom's STILL find a way to feel guilty about something!

I think that buying a house is NOT as important as raising children, but if you desperately need the money, then your temporary solution is to definitely work more, then quit when you've caught up.

Maybe try looking for a part-time job in the mornings until 1ish. Let your daughter "play" at your SIL's to give her that little social interaction that all little one's need. Then you could pick her up, put her down for a nap, and be with her the rest of the day.

If you need to work, then STAND YOUR GROUND with your boss now! Do not let him take advantage of you. If you loose the job, then it wasn't the right job for you. You need a job where your boss understands that you will put 110% into your job while you're there, and while you're there only. Just because you're working doesn't mean that your family isn't first in your heart.

Good Luck to you!

:o) N.

I feel for you I have many of the same emotions. My daughter's been in daycare for 2 mo now and it is still h*** o* me sometimes. I just remind myself that I'm doing what I need to for my family and my daughter is gaining great social skills and independence by being in day care.

I don't have much advice to offer I just wanted to encourage you. It does get easier but the guilt never goes away completely.

Stay strong,

A.

In this day and age, most families are needing the 2nd or extra income. This is definately a buyers marker for a home. If home buying is in your immediate future, then know that what your doing in the long run is the best. You will have your own home, and a secure place and future for your family. I know working from the home takes time away from your daughter, but you have a purpose and that is taking care of your family. Long hours stink, but maybe after you buy the house and are comfortable maybe you could work something out with the boss and work only 4 days aweek if you will be able to afford this. Times suck right now, do what you can to offer your family the best you can. Your doing the right thing for your future.

Don't feel ashamed to leave her with family, it's better than daycare. In respect to the fact that she is older now and would have a harder time going to some strangers house and not knowing them, than to leave her with family who she knows.

Appreciate what you have because coming across good day esp. with family is priceless. It is sooo expensive so the minor things, don't let them bother you. Maybe just ask her if she could not place her in front of the TV to eat becasue you would like to limit her TV time. Make suggestions to eat outside on a blanket(picnic).Just be thankful you were able to stay home as long as you did and you don't have daycare expenses. Look to the future and know your doing the right thing for the family. Maybe help buy some of the groceries that your daughter eats there everyday. Some of her snacks, milk, cereal, waffles, oatmeal or whatever she eats and this will help maybe offset that you don't pay for childcare. I watch my sistes 3 kids and they pay minimal for full time and they pitch in and buy stuff for the house since her kids eat it too. Then I don't feel so abused and taken for granted. Not that your sister in law does, but maybe just pitching in alittle with the food will help you feel like you a contributing in some way.

You could pretend your paying daycare and put that money away for that house, furniture, painting or something. All these come with extra expenses.

Good luck

S.,
I would think something is wrong if you didn't feel this way. You are missing out on some important and amazing times of her babyhood and toddlerhood. If you truly want to be at home with your daughter then keep renting and look at a house in the future. Which one do you think that your daughter would benefit from more having a house (remember that to her she doesn't know if you are renting or owning) or having you there with her? If you still can't afford even to rent then maybe you could look to moving into a cheaper place or an apartment knowing that it will not be forever. If you are feeling really guilty about this, this is probably your motherly instinct and you don't want to be kicking yourself forevermore about not being there for these years because as everyone says- "they go by fast".

A little about me: Stay at home mom with three little girls. Yes, we struggle financially, but it all works out.

I know it's hard to leave your little girl. I went through that with my first son and was so happy not to have to do it with my other two. Right now I'm on your SIL's end of it, taking care of my grandson while my daughter-in-love works. She has a hard time leaving him too.
Life just doesn't always let us do exactly what we want to do, and we have to make the best of it. It sounds to me like you are doing that pretty well.
Do be sure to talk with your hubby and be clear with him and yourself what your limits and priorities are. When the boss asks for extra or odd hours as he has this time, know how you can best deal with them. And don't be afraid to talk with your boss about your needs to be with your family. The best time to do that is probably after working this odd shift. Just go to him and ask how you can best work it out with him to not have to do those shifts that interrupt your family life so much. If he only wants that sort of shift once a month or so, you probably can get along with it, but if he may be gradually working you into that as a permanent shift, you either need to change his mind on it, or begin looking for another job.
You didn't indicate what kind of work you do, but just remember this... you were looking for a job when you found that one, and it's not the only job out there. What I have found helpful when I had problems on jobs was to be always on the lookout for what else might be available to me. That way I didn't feel trapped where I was, and it made getting through each work day much easier.
As for the missing out on your daugter's life feeling.. I can't say much more other than have your SIL take lots of pictures... if she has a video camera that's even better. And just enjoy your daughter as much as you can when you do have her, but keep a good balance. When you call, you may want to consider talking with your daughter as well... that depends on whether it would disrupt and cause her to be unhappy being away from you. If your SIL has a phone that works on speaker phone that's probably the best way, so your daughter could continue play while you talk to her. It would make it more of a natural way of talking without causing her distress.

I do hope some of this is helpful.

Hi, S.;
I am a stay at home mom who has worked before. I think folks really can make it work either way. The thing is to make it work well, and to the happiness of the whole family. So just because I was working when my kids were babies doesn't mean it was the best thing right then... I quit after a very short time when my oldest was 1 1/2. We are officially below the poverty line still...now my oldest is 17. But I am so glad we did it this way. We bought our first house when he was 9, it being a foreclosure we got through an auction. I have a friend who has 8 kids and they are still renting, but extremely happy with their family. She homeschools, etc. Try to figure out a different way of doing and getting what you need in your family. Try something new for awhile. Ask your husband about trying not working for one year. Then working part-time after that. I have gone back to work periodically over the years both as full and part time, but our family always gets upsidedown and messed up when I do, especially when I worked full time. It is just the way we are. I know so many people do it and LOVE it like crazy. Now I am starting my own business and my hours are flexible...plus it is part time. You know, either way you go there will be difficulties and blessings, so you just have to decide with your husband what fits you. You will make it. J.

I would seriously think about what is important. The first three years of a childs life are the most influential. Couldn't you go back to work part-time? It make me sad reading your post. These first years are so precious, and they are something you can never get back. I guess your husband says that he doesn't want to have another kid until you get a house, so maybe waiting another year or two is too much? But I wouls seriously live in the day and treasure what you have, because you never know what is coming around the corner. DO you need to have another child so soon? Do you need another at all? Is your wanting to buy a house and have another child hurting your family now? I don't have the answers, and I am not you. I am just trying to put some things out there for you to think about. I went to work 16-22 hours a week when my daughter was 14 months old, and I can tell you, it is plenty for me. I also usually leave before she wakes up, so that I have more awake time with her. I want to save full-time work for a few years. And no, we don't own a house, but there are many years for that and only a few that are this precious with my daughter.

Hi,
It seems so many Moms feel guilt one way or the other. The only advice I could offer is:
1. their need of you changes over time. When she begins to go to preschool, she may go a few hours or 3 days per week, and then that increases each year until she goes to first grade...so if you're feeling really awful and have trouble sleeping over this, maybe you could make a conscious decision to stay home another year.
2. The other option that others have brought up is working parttime or flexible hours. I find working at home really hard, because even though I'm physically at home, my mind is not quite there (i'm checking email or thinking of a project), and I don't think it's good for the child to have you physically there, but mentally absent.
3. Studies have shown that it's the QUALITY of time you spend with your child that really matters, not the # of hours.
So, no matter what you decide, she's already with a loving caretaker, and she gets quality time with you, and she already sounds like a happy child, that's what counts.

Hi. Have you considered maybe finding something you could do at home... if not full-time, maybe a few days a week and then you could spend time with your daughter. Maybe you could learn medical coding or something like that and do it at home full-time.

As far as buying a house before having another child, I have to agree that is the smartest way to go. Children are expensive, especially as they grow older so being in your own home is important now.

Hi S.,
I'm not sure what to tell you, but I just wanted to offer my support to you for whatever decision you make. I've read almost all of the responses because I'm in your same situation. It sounds like the majority of people think you should stay home. Only you know if that decision is right for you. My family tells me the same thing as well -- that I'm putting money before my son. I see it as providing him with a better future than what I grew up with.

I started my first real job when my son was 5 months old. I cried every day. I still HATE working. I wish I could be home with him. I like my job, but I feel torn between working and being with him. I envy those women who stay at home with their babies. I feel left out of his life because my in-laws take care of him every day all day, but they don't speak English and so I never really know what happens with him on a day to day basis. I don't like the way they raise him (cultural differences), but he seems happy overall.

I grew up in grinding poverty and when I decided to have a child, I also decided that he would have more than I had. We live with my in-laws and so obviously don't have our own home. I hate every minute of it and I am bound and determined to get out of there whether I have to rent or not (but I really want a house). Our two incomes are still not enough to make it even yet. We've decided that he will quit his job and go to university to get his degree (I have mine already and get paid more than he does)and I will support him with my job. After he graduates, hopefully he can get a higher paying job. With our two combined incomes maybe we can buy a home. It's looking doubtful, but if I didn't hope I'd have no reason to go on living. My 2 year old son might be 7 years old by then, but it's something I keep working toward -- a family and a home of my own.

I guess feeling guilty is just built into being a mother. It means you love your kids :-) I'll tell you what has helped me. I think you will always feel guilty to some extent and you will always miss your child, but this takes the edge off.

1) Make a routine in the morning so your child knows and will eventually accept that you go to work each morning. I do the same thing each morning to get ready for work. My son used to tragically bawl his lungs out as I walked out the door. Now he smiles, waves bye-bye, and kisses at me as I walk out the door.

2) Say good-bye and give hugs and kisses before you leave for work. Let them know you are going and don't "sneak out." Once you're out the door, stay out. Don't go back because you forgot something. It only gives them hope that you'll return after all and they keep waiting.

3) Know that as sad as they feel when you leave, in 5 minutes they are happy and playing if they've been diverted.

4) Try to come home at about the same time every day so they know when to expect you. That's a h*** o*e for me.

5) Phone calls during the day are great, but my family doesn't speak English so they say "Baby OK" and hang up on me without giving me a chance to talk to him. So....

6) I covered my cubicle in pictures of my son. I wall papered it in photos. When I'm really stressed, angry, or upset, I take a breath and look at all his adorable pics to calm down and to remind myself of why I'm working and not at home with him.

7) Believe in yourself. You know why you're working. If it's necessary, then you have to do it instead of worrying about not being with your child. You're being a responsible parent by providing for your child.

8) It sounds like you've got it handled when it comes to doing things in advance (like crock pot cooking) so you can spend more time with your daughter when you get home.

9) Is she taking long enough naps during the day? She might be less cranky when you get home if she's not so tired?

10) Self-explanatory -- spend time with your daughter when you are home. Play. Bask in each other's attention :-) Make what minutes you do have together count! Like people said, QUALITY, not quantity.

11) Breast feeding is something I strongly advocate. My son is nearly 2 years old and doesn't show any sign of wanting to stop breastfeeding, so I'm letting him. Of course, this is your personal choice. I'm just saying that, for us, it is the one time of day that is the most special. It's the only time we get alone time together and he totally relaxes, calms down, trusts me...it's a bonding time for both of us.

12) Again, this is up to your personal preference, but I also co-sleep with my son. Some days I come home from work so late that it's bedtime and the only time we have together is breastfeeding and sleeping. Even if we didn't get time to play or take a walk, it's wonderful to feel him snuggle up to me, to sing to him, and to feel his breathing change to sleep. When I wake up in the night he's right there. He also helps me get up in time for work because he's awake the minute there's light!! :-D It also gives us time to play in bed for a few minutes before his grandmother drags him away for breakfast and I have to get ready for work.

I don't know if any of this helps. I hope so. We're in the same boat and I'm sure millions of other women are, too. We can only do our best. Good luck!

I, much like you had a lot of guilt leaving my baby while I went back to work. I didn't like the idea that someone else (family or not) was raising my child. When you put a child in daycare they are there usually for 10+ hours a day. By the time you get home you see them for 3 or 4 hours before they are in bed and then you have to wake up and do it all over again the next day. I just couldn't stand being away from my kids so I opened up an in home daycare and it's worked out great! I get to be home with my children and raise them myself. I'm able to be a SAHM and still bring in some money by watching other children in my home. Not only am I able to be home with my kids but my kids still get the social interaction from being around other kids. I also rent (I do not own a home) and you CAN do daycare out of a rental, in fact your landlord legally can NOT say no to you operating a daycare out of a rental home. I'm not sure if this is something that could work for you or not, I just thought I'd throw the idea out there. (Of course you'd have to have a lot of patience and love children)
Good Luck to you!

Wow! You sound like you are in a lot of pain about leaving your baby. . . I can't imagine how that must feel. You sound like you are an awesome wife and mom with the heart to do what is right for your family.

Have you ever considered working from home? Arbonne offers an amazing opportunity for people just like you who don't want to be away from their family and children. In fact, here is a link if you think you might be the slightest interested. And, if you have any questions, I would love to answer them for you. http://www.arbonne.com/company/opportunity/sizzle.asp

I would love to hear what you think

R.

I dont think you will ever get over the feeling. Do you really have to work...maybe you can work part time...and I was told once save your money and dont worry there will always be a house to buy. Take this time and try to be with your baby as much as possible. Before you know it she will be in school full time and you will miss her. She will start her life as a small person and her world will get bigger than just you.

stay home and take care of your daughter.

Dear S.,
Take comfort in the fact that you are just a normal mom.
I think the most successful women in the world, even if they can afford nannies, etc, still have pangs of guilt over not being there for each milestone. You are very fortunate in that you have a family member to care for your child, for free......
If you don't agree with some of the things she does, you can always talk to her about it. The one thing that worked for me, as a single mother (no hubby to help) I told my kids that I was taking them with me in my heart and I promised I would think of them until I could get home. When they got a little older, sometimes they would give me their favorite toy to take with me or make me a picture to put in my purse. And, even with a son, I would let them have one of my necklaces or bracelets to wear until I got home. We actually went to the store and got bracelets. Even just dollar store bracelets will work. Each of my children picked one for me and I picked one for each of them. They wore mine everyday and I wore theirs. They liked the idea so much that we kept them in a special box and they would be the first to make sure we all had on our bracelets. And we had a ritual of kissing cheeks and bracelets before we went out the door every morning. It was just a way of sending that love and carrying it around all day even though we had to be apart. And then we would re-fuel our bracelets with kisses before we put them away at night. Being away from your kids can be so h*** o* a mom. Just be sure to make the most of your time while you have them. Know that if your daughter has been an angel all day long and she is cranky when you get her, it may be her way of just letting off steam. Days are long, even for adults. If you have no choice but to work the schedule you are working right now, try not to feel so much guilt. Just get into a routine that will work for your family for now. One thing I loved doing was taking a nice bath with my kids. (They were 10 years apart). For those who are against the nudity thing, put on a bathing suit. Make bubbles and relax and play a bit before bed time. Hold and cuddle in the warm water. I found that it was the perfect thing to help my kids wind down and sleep really well at night. It helped me sleep better too.
It sounds like you have a goal of buying a house which is a wonderful thing. Once you get the house, will you be able to work a little less, or have to work even more? I know you want another baby, and I don't blame you for that, but maybe you need to get your house and emotions in order first. If you feel guilty leaving one baby, you will feel perhaps doubly guilty leaving two. I would say make as much money as you can right now. Make sure your daughter knows that you love her. Get your house. You may be able at that point to have a daycare of your own, taking care of someone else's kids which will make you money and give you the opportunity to stay with your own children. There are options. Just take it day by day and know that you can work this all out. Be thankful you have a husband to help you.
Best of wishes!

Are you really comfortable with the care your daughter is getting with your SIL? The reason I ask:

I went back to work after my daughter was born (at 10 weeks) and having EXCELLENT child care near my office is worth every penny. I got a recommendation from co-workers, checked out the license, visited the family-home-daycare... and was still a little nervous leaving my little one at first. It's turned out great.

Now she's 1 year old, and she LOVES going to see Monique while I go to the office. It's like having an extra grandmother, and I feel secure that she's there. Some days, it seems that she gets a more stimulating and fun environment with Monique and the other children than she'd have if she were home with me, and I benefit from Monique's observations and long experience caring for children.

In trying to see your husband's point of view (based on things I've heard from my husband and other men) I think your husband wants to make sure things feel stable and the family is well-provided-for before having another child, and owning a house is one way people feel that. Also, the real estate market is more attractive to buyers now than it's been for a few years, so this could be a window of opportunity to get more house for your money.

I hope that your job is good for you in more ways than just the money, and I hope you find a resolution to your worries. Best wishes to you, hubby and daughter!

Thanks for your post. I have considered going back to work, just part time, to help buy a house. i hate living in a two bedroom apt with 4 of us, but I loved the comments. We don't get this time back, and although I am very goal oriented, how important is owning a home right now? I can wait two or three years. It is a very hard decision, but the idea of not being with my little ones really seems too hard!
Good luck!
PS, waiting for second, in my opinion is great idea, one is like none, two is like ten has really rang true for me! Enjoy the first for awhile! No regrets here, but very tired and guilty about not having all the time I did with my first!

Me? Stay home Mother of two girls, 3 1/2 and 22months, married to full time hard working dad!

I am a stay at home mom to 2 boys, 6 and 3. Originally I didn't stay home by my own choice -- my older son is disabled and the only other option was a full time nurse (MUCH more costly than a babysitter) so I quit work and started the SAHM thing, and it's worked out very well for us.

I know it's hard to let your munchkin go to daycare, even though it is your SIL doing the care. This is probably going to sound harsh, and I'm sorry to be so blunt but ... you are having major stress over leaving your baby so you can go back to work. You mention that it was a huge struggle financially and that you definitely need the extra income. But, you say you want another child soon ... which is more stress, and more expense, and more time you are not going to be able to work.

It just seems to me that your desires (another child) are at odds with your current situation (need to work as extra income is greatly needed). Have you thought of trying a work-from-home job? Or something that is part-time or flexible on the hours? --lexi

Hi S.,

"The grass is always greener." My husband and I bought a house and the month we closed I found out I was pregnant (a surprise). Now I feel trapped in a home we can not sell (the market crashed shortly after we bought it in 2006). I need to work and wish I would have sold the house when I found out I was pregnant and just rented a cheaper place so I could stay home (I am sure I would feel like you if this is what we ended up doing since owning a home does give you security). The house is 25 minutes from my work so the daycare is next to my work which allows me to pick up my son quickly (but then he is in his car seat for a long drive). Anyway, at least if you buy a house now you will get a better deal then 2 years ago and over time your new employer will be long term employer and you can find ways to take time off (like I do). They let me take my laptop home I can play with my 18 month old and do most of my work during his nap (not everyday) but it is an advantage.
-S.

Not judging -- it's your call, but for me it was more important to be at home, so we've never owned a home or had much disposable income. If you feel that bad about it, is it possible for you to work part-time or not work and do without? Sounds like the only solution to me.

Here are some things to try:

1. Ask for telecommute hours
I telecommute 1/2 my working hours, so that I get my entire morning with my son. Then I work 1-5 in the office. He sleeps half the time, so I only "count" myself as being away for 2 hours a day. Not bad!

2. Ask for part-time hours
If you can handle the cut in salary, see if you can reduce your work week to 60-80% time. Even one extra day with your child will help.

You should be professional when you ask for it - they don't need to know you want to be with your kid. Just tell them that you think it would benefit the office if you were able to work some of your time from home.

If you miss your child this much, working isn't worth it, regardless of how nice the extra money is. You can always buy a bigger house, better car, more clothes - when your child grows up, it's over and you can't get it back. And it really goes by fast.

I know this is cliche, but you don't need a house to raise kids. I have two and we live in a little 2-bedroom apartment. My husband is a student and we've been living on just my (telecommuted, part-time) income for three years, and I think we're much happier because we stayed where we are rather than attempting to have me go full-time to afford a bigger place.

Hi S.,

It looks like you are getting a lot of good advice and ideas, but I have a few thoughts too. It is never easy to go to work when you know in your heart you want to stay at home instead. My son is twelve and it still isn't easy, especially because he is our only one. I was with him for the first 12 weeks and then went back to work 4 days/week. It is so hard finding good childcare that you can trust. After a couple of childcare providers and a day care center I found a wonderful and loving woman to care for my son from 18 months until he started kindergarten. She was a blessing. I tried not to focus on what I was missing, but tried to enjoy all the other time I had with my son. The past 3-4 years I have been able to work 3 days/week, but I will most likely have to go back to 4 days/week to provide health insurance for my family. My son is 12 and I still feel bad about working more. Maybe part time work might be a possibility somewhere in the near future for you. Part time does help. May one day soon your hearts desire be fulfilled and you can stay home full time. In the mean time try not to worry about how the house looks, enjoy your daughter.

I was in the same boat as you! I felt bad for leaving my daughter after being w/ her for 16 months, then went to work. I eventually left that management job because I was working 12-14 hrs/day & 6 sometimes 7 days/week. That's not what I had in mind, so after 4 months I resigned. I stayed home w/ her again for a little over a year. I decided to put hre in pre-school @ 2 1/2 so that she can learn to socialize and not be so dependent on her father and me. It was the hardest thing I've done in my life! I could hear her cry and scream for me, but I had to suck it up and keep thinking that this is going to be good for her. She gets to have friends and can learn to play and share w/ others, and I was able to go back to work knowing that my child was learning independence. I called the school quite a bit in the beginning and as soon as the started telling me that she was doing much better. I was sad at work for a while, especially when I had to train for swing shift and didn't get to put her to bed! That made me cry some, but she was with her dad so it wasn't like she was being neglected. I was just feeling sorry for myself. Now she's on her way to Kindergarten, happy, independent, bright, playful! I'm glad I did that - she has a small group of close friends who we have standing playdates with, and the other moms and I get to hang out, catch up and look after one another. Try setting aside the weekend as mommy-and-me time so that you can get caught up with her. She's young so she may not understand that sacrifices that you're making to insure a great future for her and your family. Try not to beat yourself up over things that are necessary to survive. You seem to have a good support system that allows you to breathe a little easier knowing that she's being looked after. There will come a time when you won't have to make as many sacrifices, and you can be with your child more. She's lucky to have a caring and conscientious mom in you! :)