Teens & Step-father....

Go buy the book "Yes your teen is crazy", it is a wonderful book and helps so much with understanding them at this age and understanding how you can best handle how you are or should be reacting.

With that said....don't take everything personal. Of course they want you to taxi them and do whatever they say--they're teenagers. I get SO frustrated with my 15 y.o. son too. I tell him all the time that he isn't entitled to everything that he deems necessary or appropriate to have to make him happy. It drives me crazy. But, if you are being reasonable in your requests of them and being consistent with what you expect and what you will offer in return, then just let their nastiness roll off of you and stick to whatever plan you have. I will do a lot for my kids as long as they hold up their part of things.

They know when they want to go somewhere or get something that they are going to have to clean up their rooms first, or do the dishes, or laundry, or whatever we have that needs done that day in the house. It's reasonable and I'm consistent about it. I don't scream and yell, I just tell them....here is what you have to do before I can run you here or get you this or that...

It works for us and when they do have an attitude...I just tell them to go have it in their rooms. I go in later and explain that I am nobody's maid or chauffeur and that we are a family and everyone has a part to carry in what has to be done here. Does it work smoothly and perfect all the time? No....but I remain consistent and try to be calm through most of it and I have DEFINATLY learned NOT to take things personal. They are teenagers with nasty attitudes---they all get that way, but you can't let it ruin your day!!!

As far as the husband goes....I would definatly talk to him. Differing of opinions is to be expected, but any siding that goes on should never be done in front of the kids---that is just a bomb waiting to explode. lol..Good luck.

They are taking total advantage of you right now, you need to lay down the law with them, and stop being their doormat, or things will never change. They need to realize you are not here to cater to them, and you do have a life of your own. If they throw a fit when you say no, walk away. Ignore them and dont even respond to their insults. Right now, they are playing you against your husband and getting their way. You need to tell him straight out that the two of you need to be a united front where the kids are concerned, not take sides against one another, that is counterproductive to having a peaceful household. If he's not willing to do this, then things will not improve. Not to mention, if your younger kids see the older ones getting away with this type of behavior, they will eventually treat you the same way. Could your husband feel that because the girls listen to him, they are accepting him more? I would (and have in the past) go on strike, do nothing for those that are demanding and rude, and see how fast they change their attitude. I actually put up a sign stating the maid quit, clean up after yourselves when the dirty dishes got out of hand and noone would help to keep them clean. Take care of the little ones, and let the older girls take care of themselves. They need a dose of reality here, and you are the one that needs to give it to them.

Stop taking them everywhere they want to go, that is not your resposiblity to do that. They tell them if they want to go somewhere there is walking, bikes or bus if it is available. When i was growing up we didn't get taken everywhere we wanted to go, whenever we wanted to. Kids expect it and we do it. As for doing everything around the house start with laundry have them help with theirs, if they don't they won't have clean clothes..a friend tried this and it worked. Good luck and hang in there.

Time to get tough. The 12, 10 and 7 yr. olds are still learning and going through phases, so try to keep that in mind. On the other hand, the 19 and 17 yr old need to learn respect and they seem to have a high level of self-esteem, so... dish it right back at them. If they throw an insult or criticism at you, throw it back with humor (ie, if they criticize the way you cook, tell them your cooking is just fine, you haven't killed them yet with the meals you have served them, and since they are Julia Child they can cook the next meal). Let them know you don't deserve to be treated or spoken to like that and keep repeating it as often as necessary if you have to. On the taxi service, next time you go to the store to get groceries, demand they get in the taxi and help you. If you don't have the time to taxi them around tell them the taxi service is closed for the night. Humor helps alot, so try to see humor in every situation. The 19 and 17 yr olds are manipulators and "dad" is falling into their trap which could end up being a disadvantage to him in the long run. Wishing the best for you and your family.
V.

Hi J.,

My oldest kids aren't as old as yours so I don't know first hand but I would suggest that you first of all get yourself out of the house alone more often. Don't be available at their beck and call to do what they want. You need to start using the word "no" more often. If they don't like it then they can do things for themselves. I had a big run in with my kids yesterday. I havbe back issues and I was unable to be on my feet yesterday. I asked my kids several times to clean up the house and take out the garbage for me. Fully knowing I was in pain and unable to do it they ignored my requests. Come about 8pm they all came in asking "what's for dinner" and I asked them if they had done what I asked. They all said "no" and I told them I won't make dinner until their work is done. My youngest threw a hissy fit and went tobed early. I got so upset I finally told them I wouldn't make dinner and the older two were forced to fend for themselves. Today they have done everything I have asked without question or delay. I would suggest that you set up some rules. If the kids want you to be their taxi then they need to do things for you in exchange or make some money to pay for the gas and your time. You need to get tough, be firm and consistent. It sounds like you are a lot like me and have a hard time saying "no". You also mentioned you are spiraling into a depression. You need to get professional help, even if it's temporary, to get you out of this funk. Therapy will help you in dealing with your kids and will get you ot of the house and away from their beck and call, too. Above all, find time for you and follow through. Don't change your plans because they need something, make them change their plans to accomodate you. As for dinners, the oldest kids are more than capeable to make dinner a few times a week. Especially the 19 yr old. She is an adult now. You can charge her rent in exchange for what you do and provide for her.

Keep strong, you will make it through this.

S.

First thing I'd do is to tell the girls that until they start to respect you you will no long be their mode of transportation! When they decide they aren't going to listen you, criticize you, and do their choirs tell them the taxi cab is now off duty until they do. My daughter earns everything she wants.
Second off, you might want to tell your husband that you feel hurt that he didn't side with you, as the parents you have to agree on how to handle the children.
I'm sorry, but my children WILL NOT speak to me like I'm the dirt under their feet, they WILL respect me as an elder like they were taught when they were little.
I refuse to argue with my children about anything, when they start I tell them that I'm the mom and it is the end of the conversation! In no means will it go on beyond that.
Tell them they have chores to do, after they are done with them you might conciter taking to wherever it is they need to go, but you WILL NOT take them anywhere unless they treat you with the diginity and respect you deserve.
If my children had treated me like yours treat you, my husband would have been over it and supported me.

Sorry for the way your husband is non supportive. Parents should be a team when dealing with kids, even when they are not their bio kids.

It seems like your husband needs to understand exactly how big a problem his behavior has created. Teenagers need to respect their parents. If you are truly out of line in your expectations for these girls it is something your husband needs to talk to you about in private, not in front of the girls. He needs to understand that you two are a team. Maybe the next time there is an issue, pull him into a different room and formulate a plan on how to deal with it BEFORE talking to the girls. That way you've worked through your opinions on your own first, and can present a united front.

When talking to him, don't dwell on too many past incidents. Just give him the bottom line of, we need to be a team and give the same message to the girls, how can we make that happen from now on? Attacking his behavior in the past will put him on the defensive and might get you no where, but approaching it from this angle might do the trick. Work to win him, not condemn/guilt him. And give this a fair shot before writing him off completely.

Divorce is devastating to children as I'm sure you know, and trying to work out the family issues is worth it. It seems like your younger kids are content and happy, so do what you can to make this relationship work.

Best wishes in this difficult situation. I hope that things will work out!

When you and your husband were married the two of you became one. If he does not support your decisions he need not show this in front of the two older ones because they know how to play you two against each other. He also needs to be reminded of your vows. He married you not them. You need to show your children (especially the older ones) tough love as well. You are a human being, not an animal to be trained to do what they want. We cannot allow our children to control our decisions. You have to put your foot down. I was just told today that if I don't get a handle on my children now when they're older they will blame me for all of their failures because they wouldn't have known how to handle life and others telling them no. Put your foot down sister. There are so many scriptures in the Bible that talk about rearing our children. We will have failed them if we don't teach them how to respect authority. Train your children in the way they should go; Even when she or he is old, They will not swerve from the way. Proverbs 22:6 I know what you're going through believe me, my children will say in a heart beat, "But Daddy said." Being that I am a woman of God I do have to be submissive but I also know that he and I have to be on one accord. So, I clear things with him (when I can). Although, at times if it's a matter of disrespect and them insisting on getting they're way I've done just as you have I fall into a state of depression because my children will and have definitely followed my husband's example, which breaks my heart. Hold your head up and pray to God for the ability to lean on Him and use His strength and wisdom because He knows a thing or two about parenting. Seeing as He is the ultimate Father and all.

At the ages that your girls are, I think the situation calls for them to grow up. Goal #1 should be to make them independent, by geting their driver's license,a job and out of the hosue. If they are in school, then redefine and chores. Sort of the while in my house, my rules, kind of thing. As far as the hubby goes, divorcing over 1 fight? Try to look at the situations with each of them individually, and not collectively, that is too overwhelming. Approach each with the problems with each of the individuals, and don't take them all on at once. I feel for you, step by step,youwill tackle these problems.

First of all why don't the girls drive yet? They would not be driven anyplace if they act like that, you are not there to be a taxi driver for them especially if they can't treat you with respect. You should talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Are they his girls biologically? Divorce seems a little over the top right now but they should not be talking and treating you that way. Do you have insurance that would allow you to go talk to someone. They can help you with the depression. I am sorry you are going through this. Also why is a 19 year old still at home and not doing anything around the house? If you want to vent more please don't hesitate to respond in private. Good Luck and hang in there I am sure you can get it all worked out.
K.

Stop taking the girls to whereever they want to go. Have your husband take them everywhere and see how he feels being the "taxi cab driver". Also, I am assuming he works during the day so that means that will not be driven anywhere by you. Try it for a week, see how it goes.

If they are still disrespectful, maybe the only place you will take them is a job. Yes J-O-B. They should learn that when they get a job, they have to be respectful to a boss and maybe they will see mom is THE BEST! Be strong and don't let this get you down. Being a teenager is a trying time for everyone. It sounds like your husband is trying to win them over.

If things don't improve, go to family counseling. That would include your husband. Getting a third party's insight and help is wonderful!

Hang in there and don't give up. What works for me is to pray and give it up to God.

Many blessings,

M.

Hello J., It sounds like you are the common denominator in this situation. And my guess is that you are clinically depressed. Before upsetting everybody elses lives by divorce, you should seek help from your doctor about the depression first. As that improves, you may be able to look at your situation with a different outlook. Life is not all about you, this involves many more people and their feelings and lives should be considered here also. Teens do need to have transpertation. It is part of being a parent to provide them with what they need. I went through it with 3 kids in highschool all at the same time, and they all had different activities that they needed to be at. I felt like I lived in my car, but that was the stage of development that my kids were in at the time. This is not being bad, so they don't deserve to be punished simply for growing up. I hope that you take my advise with a open mind, as depression can make all things seem negitive, but my intentions are coming from compassion and friendship. Good luck.

I seriously suggest you get some control. You are NOT a free taxi service and the sooner you make it clear, the better. The fee for playing chauffeur should be 1. they knock off the disrespect 100% or get dear ol dad to be the chauffeur, 2. you decide whether or not it's a good idea for them to taxi somewhere; i.e., to hang around with unsavory types and potentially getting into trouble; so you get some say in it, 3. they start pulling their weight around the house to earn taxi privileges.

Maybe your stepson sees some character flaws in your daughters that he feels are wrong. Right, just be thankful, and let him know it.

Hubby is possibly trying to be a compassionate part of the girls' lives and therefore standing up for them. I don't understand how siding with them 'gives you space'.

Sounds like you'd better set everyone down and have a family discussion. You've already been through the divorce courts enough, so bailing out might turn into a bad habit and it totally will be unsettling for everyone involved. The girls could be reacting to the inconsistency as a result of it. Time to decide once and for all if your behavior is affecting them. Because it doesn't sound like the best role model material and here you're contemplating it again.

For the teen girls, it is a stage, I think anyway. I haven't had to be in your position--but growing up, I was one of 6 in a blended family. My mom felt this way a lot. So based on that experience, I think that it is a stage that your girls are going through. And the way that it is being handled isn't benefiting you. Sounds to me like you are being a bit passive and allowing them to treat you with disrespect by allowing them to insult you and have the option of not listening to you. Obviously, any differences that you and your husband have where the girls are concerned, should be discussed without them there. Between you and your husband. Not being a team is allowing them to walk over you to get what they want and that is just wrong. So I'd try to work on the communication between you and your husband ( which depending on the personalities, I know can be hard if they aren't understanding you. also in my experience, the less talk about "feeling" and more about fact is better in these circumstances.) Having a sort of plan already in tact for dealing with your teens so that stuff like the blow up doesn't happen. One would be that decisions about things are made privately and worked out away from them.

Divorce isn't the answer for this. There is always going to be communication defects to work out...and with kids already in an equation, that is even harder. With this particular situation of the blow up to handle.... I think that is best that you understand what was done is done... and try to work on preventing it from happening again. With the girls, there is a lack of respect. And I'm not really sure on what I'd suggest there. Have you talked to them openly about what you expect from them?