Teenager with a Bad Temper

I have two children and love to spend time with them, like friends would. But when I was a teen my mom was someone I had a GREAT relationship with and she was very cool, according to all my friends. She loved thinking we were like friends and it drove me NUTS!! We had an exceptional relationship but I had friends and didn't need her to be one .. only one mom and dad that I needed and preferred for them to act that way. I loved that they were fun and enjoyed my friends, but I rebelled from 16-17 and was awful before coming back to normal. I had a friend a few years ago who was my neighbor growing up and she said she always loved the relationship my mom had with us. She was trying to do the same thing with her teen daughter but was having a tough time with her behavior as a teen. I told her how it made me feel and she said it had a huge impact on her. She decided to start acting like a mom (still kind, fun and always there for her daughter) but more of an adult/mom role. I love my children with all my heart and we do tons of fun things together (boating, swim parks, etc.), I have always told them we are so blessed that we enjoy spending time together but I am not their friend - I'm mom who can give them advice and discipline and they can not disrespect me by fussing with me like they might do a friend. So far, so good with them and they are good kids. One is in college and the other middle school. Good luck!

You might find this article helpful:

http://www.empoweringparents.com/Child-Outbursts-Why-Kids...

There is tons of good advice on that site.

I'm "old school" so i think a parent should be seen as as a parent, not as a friend. The main reason is that being parent involves being "friends" anyways, and when I say "friends" i don't mean the friend your child can find in a peer but rather that kind of friendhip that we have when we are older and that involves trusting that special person for comfort, advice and guidance. If our kids start to see us as friends-peer, we are doomed. Our word loses its power, our image loses that authority that our kids critique, often, but that they need to see in us because they need to know that, in a way, we parents have more than they (and their peers) have: wisdom, confidence, know-how for life's day to day obstacles. They need to see us as a lighthouse in the dark and it will be their choice to keep clear of our light if they need, but they must know that it's our light that is brighter than any other light and it's only our light that will guide them home. Having said that, it may be that your daughter is bipolar (I know the kind unfortunately and she looks like it) and so you did GREAT by providing help for her. As for the relationship that you two have, if it's not satisfactory to you anymore, try to rebuild it on newer fundaments. I am not sure it can be done since your child is grown, but you can try. I wish you the best of luck. It's NOT easy being a parent.

I am just 19 years old and although I was never rebellious I understand how she feels and how you feel. I think you should try to understand her if you already asked for proffesional help then you know it might be because she is having a hard time to control herself. So, put yourself in her shoes she probably doesn't want to hurt you but she doesn't realize she did until after she said something or did something. I do not know but it seems she is putting a barrier to defend herself. Why? teenagers are like that and it could be hard for her because she is not a child but she is not an adult yet.Or she could probably have a problem in school and is just embarrased to tell you. It could be a million reason. If you have a good relationship with her don't think that could be a problem. Of course not thats good not every teenager has who to go to or the correct person to go to. Just let her know your her friend and mother and that any question she might have which ever it is she can count on you because you will give her the best answer in benfit for her Also no matter what the question is dont get mad at her and be ready for any question. Besides it is better for her to get a right answer from you than a bad one from somewhere else. Well, good luck and I hope everything gets better.

Hello C.,
I completely understand what you are going through. At times, my daughter will say things and speak in a tone that is all too grown for her. I will ask in a soft voice if she is alright and then address whatever she is mad about. If I quiet my voice she will follow because it is a natural thing to do. She will notice that she is being loud and try to match her tone to yours. At that point explain to her that she is still a child, regardless of age and needs to respect you as her mother. It is alright to be friends with your children, my daughter and I are close, but there is always that line that should not be crossed by your child and they know it. I am not telling you to be timid with her, just remain calm and if possible see if there is a counselor at her school that has counseling sessions. It may help to be in a group of kids that are having the same issues and it won't cost you anything. It should not interfere with her main classess in anyway. I know this is available in some schools. I hope this helps.

All I can offer is that when my daughter was going through her crazy rebellious stage (at 12!!!), I took her to see a counselor AND a psychiatrist. They both told me to quit being her friend (something I thought was 'cool' and the right thing to do). It was a horribly transition for both of us. She didn't get WHY, if I was her friend, was I putting restrictions on her or correcting her. Needless to say, she's 16 now and she's still very much a teenager. But with counseling and lots of reinforcement, I was able to make that distiction between mother / daughter. It has been the best thing I could do for us. Yes, we're still 'friends' I guess? I mean, she comes to me with everything (and there are some things I wish she wouldn't come to me with - ha!ha!). But - I know she trusts me and is willing to hear me out on things.
Good luck...I hear we survive these years. I mean - it must be true b/c there are grandparents out there!!! LOL!

I have to agree with silvia, I am about to be a mommy myself for the first time in a few weeks, but I have always been a big believer to be a parent not a friend. If your kids get to comfy with knowing you are more a friend then a parent they think they can walk all over you. I don't want you to think I don't know what I am talking about seeing I am only 22 and having my first kid, but I have a 17 year old sister with ADHD who had a bad temper at that age too. She got so bad in fact we had to send her to what's called a Therapeutic Foster Home. Which is a place for troubled kids (like a foster home where other experienced moms take that kid and teach them right from wrong.) The good thing about this program is that the family always stays in the loop of things and is included in decisions. It took my sister a year and a half to get better and learn that she can't do the things she does without consequence.
I have the same relationship with my grandpa because I lived with him for 5 years all through high school because of my parents not being what they should. I have a very open relationship with him and talk to him about any and everything. But he was always my parent first, not my friend. He was tough on me because he knew he had to be. (Btw I was the good kid :) no one ever had to worry about me. Made straight A's in school always and graduated with honors) But my point being is being a "friend" to your daughter has made her think she can talk to you like one of her friends. I am glad you two have such a good relationship and I wish I could have had that with my mom at that age. Explain to her you are her mother not her girlfriend and if she continues on this track there will be consequences. Have a firm hand and iron foot lol. Good luck I hope the best for you and her. :)

I've raised two teenagers and I can tell you for sure, that anger in a teen is very normal. Rebellious? How rebellious? Most kids test the limits at this age a bit. What they want more than anything is to be all grown up. They are fighting to be their own person. Secretly they want mom and dad to protect them and set limits......maybe even subconsciously. So when we tell them what to do they become angry. They want to know what is best for them NOW by making their own choices, yet they don't have the life skills. It is a hard age to be.

You are the parent, not a friend. However, it is great to have a fun and loving relationship. You can laugh at the same things, watch a t.v. show together, etc....Avoid arguments and go with the flow.....when possible. Avoid criticism when possible! But when it comes to what time your daughter should be home.......you get the last word. But instead of just throwing out a time making it sound final and that she has no control......... Ask her..."What time do you think would be reasonable for you to be home tonight? 10pm, or midnight?" You are still the parent, but you have also given her a choice. Just be sure you choose 2 times you can live with. If she says 2am.......you say. "I'm not comfortable with that. 10 or 12?" If she throws a fit. You say, "If you don't want to decide that is okay. I will decide for you." If she still throws a fit just pick the 10pm time. After this happens a couple of times she will jump to choose that midnight time.

The idea is to offer freedom, but you still have to be the parent. If she is spending the night out or going to a party........call the parents to be sure there will be no alcohol or that there will be supervision that you are comfortable with, etc... If she doesn't like it........well, that's too bad. Don't get in a fight. Just tell her, "I love you very much, and as the parent of a teen it is my responsibility to be sure you are safe." End of conversation. If she get's all hysterial, quietly tell her you love her and leave the room. Don't fight! Another option would be to tell her "If you don't want me to call the parents that is okay, but then I would be more comfortable if you just stayed home."

don't be mad, or raise your voice.

Be mother and daughter. Have fun together. But remain the parent.....at least for a few more years. Soon your daughter will be of "adult" age. Now is the time to let her do a little guides exploring to learn how to make good decisions.

Hope that helped!
P.