Teenage and Step Parent....

Hi I have a step dad and my brother and him butted heads all the time. me and him just recently started getting along but he's been in our lifes since I was 14 my brother was 12. My step dad has diabeties and artificial legs from the knees down and my brother was always telling him he was gonna take his legs and beet him with them. It got real bad. my brother would pull out knives on him and everything. This is what's going on. Your son is having to deal with his "life changes" with puberty right now. it's just a stressful time in his life. on top of all that his mom now has a man in her life and does not need him to comfert her anymore. Try giving some of the responsibility's of the "man " roll back to your son. Tell him you need his help checking the fluids in yor car. if he does'nt know how show him yourself. have the boyfriend stay at home one night while you and your son go to see one of his picks of a movie at the theaters once per week. it can be your date night with him and let him play his music in the car while on your outings with thim. give him a little bit of power when it comes to you because he feels like he's been replaced. If thins does'nt work right away don't blow up at him. teens are stubbern. Then have step dad take him on a father son type day to the races or to a shooting rage. he'll have a blast doing the things he can't do by himself with step dad and maybe he'll realize he's not such a bad guy after all. have him teach him to drive. have them go break some rules together. He's only acting like this becasue he needs more attention from you guys. maybe seperate because if there is 2 against one he'll feel like its a trap and he'll rebel. If money is tight then have them go thow a ball around at the park. to have some guy time and they can atlk about things. tell step dad to start the convo with stories about his teenage years and funny but embarrassing things. if they share more they'll bond better.

Teenage years are the most difficult. THey need us so much but don't want to need us as much as they do. Try to stay calm as much as possible. I know that is ieasier said then done. But it is important not to take the bait an start yelling too. You can always say that when he is tired of yelling and willing to talk you are willing to listen. Yelling at you is being most direspectful of you and your husband. Some one has to stay calm in the situation and that will have to be you and your husband. IF this doesn't work you might need to get out side help just to get the ground rules established. THey can give you the tools to cope with your son. Remember to always let him know how much you love him, don't assume that he knows. Hugs are great too. -W.

Just over two years ago I got married to a wonderful man....he has one child who is now 11 and I have 3 children, 17, 16, and 14....things have been a MESS at my house.... my 17 year old has been kicked out for physical violence and threatening his other siblings, me and his step dad...(he is living with his father now)...that was a hard hard situation...now my step son is acting out and telling me all the time how much he hates me and wishes that I never would of married his dad....
There is alot of yelling in my house and I wish I could tell you how to stop it....I just know that my husband and I have made a pack (and the kids know about it) that no matter how much they act out him and I will stick together no matter what...if you come up with any solutions I would be glad to hear them and if I come up with anything I will definately let you know....
Some days I feel like I am all alone and I have to fix everything but I am realizing that eventually they will work thru what they are going thru.
No one knows how long it takes to adjust but I can say that it isnt immediate...my husband and I have been together now for 5 years (married 2)...so time is definately the key....
GOOD LUCK TO ALL!!!!

Hi J.,
Well, I am the mother of a 23 year old girl and married when my daughter was 12. The two of us now laugh about the drama and I mean drama. There is a lot going on for a teenager. She would yell at me, she hit me, kicked me, drank, smoked ;), and stole from a department store. Often my husband allowed me to handle it, but there were time I needed his help. When she hit and kicked me and tried to walk out, I called my husband home from work and he took over. He is 6'2" and she tried to take him on too. They just go through some real stages in their lives that are all very confusing. Think back to your teen years - mine were pretty rough. However, my daughter is now a good normal tax paying law abiding citizen, just like yours will be. Just always be sure to let him know how much you love him and dicipline him even though you may now or understand what he is going through. Dicipline will be a normal part of his life - forever. Best of luck!
C.

I know how hard and frustrating this can be. I had been a single parent for 11 years so when I married my husband, it was a huge adjustment for all of us, especially my 11 year old son. He had never had to share me before. The past 7 years have really been a roller-coaster with my husband and my son. Sometimes it's good but when it isn't - watch out. I always felt like I had to make a choice between my wonderful son and my wonderful husband. In my case it was more of the husband yelling and the son being disresptectful or distance. We tried counseling - some were okay but we lucked out and had one really good counselor. He suggested the guys have little short guy time, doing stuff the other one liked. It has taken awhile, but things have gotten better. If your son is old enough to get a job, that is also helpful because it gets him out of the house doing something good and will boost his self-esteem so he feels good about himself.

Good luck. Please feel free to email me if you want to vent - I know that helped me, to have someone to vent to.

Sometimes it takes a little over 2 yrs. for the kids to get adjusted, it did for mine!

I have had the same problem.... sometimes it takes awhile for the adjustment to happen. I just had to sit my oldest down and tell him that he was not incharge, and not the man of the house.

Suggestion, they need some one on one time with the new stepdad. Have them go car shopping, fishing, hunting or something to get them to bond.

I suggest counseling if the problem does not improve. I have much older step daughters, and they are learning to come around.

Similar situation in the past. Ignore him completely when he is yelling. pretend you do not hear him. Let him know that from now on if you yell we will not respond we will not answer, this will be hard earplugs might be needed. Totally ignore him like he is even not talking walk out of the room, this will take patience, ask your husband the same. There will be no yelling, walk away and when they can speak calmly resume the conversation. It may take a few times, but keep up with. And if the yelling continues start taking privelages away. Including transportation to his friends or where ever. Just totally tune him out. Start another conversation with someone else. I had it with 14 year old stepdaughter. I just quit doing things for her or answering her if she was yelling or being rude. Eventually she got the point. I quit hauling her around, no phone privelages on the day she was rude. It took about a month. Try counseling, as a family. It is hard when a man comes into the picture when the son has has the role as "man of the house" but it works both ways. Respect, your husband needs to listen and respect what your son is saying. Listen to some of the issues, pick your battles. Maybe they are minor and deserve attention. One of the things that we fiqued out was, my step daughter had been doing everything for her day (she lived with him) I come into the picture and want to play the role of taking care of things. Once of the things she enjoyed doing was his laundry and making him a special breakfast on Sunday mornings. Was there something that your son and yourself did that was special to you, even if it was doing dishes together or having the few moments in the day where you played catch up on life. One of the things that I found helped was car trips, I am not talking long trips, just a drive to the park or just getting in the car and driving stopping a grabbing a bite through a fast food and take the lond way home. Kids seem to open up in the car, you might discover some things. Just ease into the conversation. My 12year old daughter, I find that in the car is the most I get from her, she just starts babbling.

Good luck