Teen Social Media and Discipline Help I Need Help with Teen Daughter

This is typical teen behavior.

What you do is, when she has a fit about her phone, just calmly take it away for a day or two. And if she has another fit, take it away again. But do it very calmly, with no talking or arguing about it. Once she learns that every time she has a fit she loses her phone, she will stop doing it.

If she says anything about invading her privacy, tell her sorry, until she's 18 you have a right to invade anything you want. The main thing is, you have to remain firm, yet very calm when you are telling her this. Don't engage in argument with her.

Don't worry or get offended by her comments to her friends about hating you and moving out; that's typical teen stuff too.

i'm all about giving teens freedom, privacy and enough rope to almost hang themselves and thereby learn important lessons.
but each teen is a distinct entity, and by the time a kid has reached the teens a parent ought to have sort of a handle on what sort of child they've raised to that point. yes, teens change radically and are dramatic and silly as yours is being, but she didn't just suddenly arrive at this.
there's no way i'd even let it be considered an option for a teen to have internet privacy. this isn't like walking into her room when she's changing.
yes, she needs to explore freedom and learn how to manage her privacy and freedoms appropriately as she moves into adulthood. but she also needs to be parented.
mom up.
khairete
S.

Did she actually tell you to shut up or was she just venting to a friend? You are the adult, you should know the difference. To get bent out of shape, call dad, over your child venting? You sound like you have issues with emotional maturity that perhaps you taught your child through your own actions.

My girls, like every other teen girl, went through emotional stages over things that I would consider silly or unimportant but not to this extreme and perhaps that is because I was never extreme in my reaction! I would never call their father at work to tell him one was mean to me, said they hated me, wahhh wahhh wahhh. I am, after all, a grown up with the ability to understand that my children are coming from a less mature place and lack the ability to articulate in an adult way what is bugging them.

Sorry but you crossed a line spying on her she was just a kid venting to a friend. You are putting up a wall where she will never come to you when she has real problems. Is that what you really want? So when she is failing a class but could pull it out of the crapper she is going to hide it from you and fail. When a boy is pressuring her to do things she doesn't want to she will not come to you for advice, how will that end? You may not see it but your reaction shows you want to be her friend, you want to be liked by her like a friend. You are not her friend you are her parent which means you have to react maturely to her. Not getting upset with what she says but listening and helping guide her to learn more mature reactions.

I think you have to remember not to react to her drama. You tell her to give up her IPad and she does, but she complains to her friends on her phone. You just gotta let her. When you get upset with her about that, you're feeding the drama.

It's like with little ones and timeout. When we send the kids to timeout my only expectation is that they go into their room (hopefully to calm down). My husband keeps yelling, "stop crying!" "no complaining!" "be quiet!" I think that only prolongs the situation. Give them space to calm down in their own way. That's how they learn. Keep dictating to them the way to act or calm down and they are just going to dig their heals in and stay mad and upset and truly belief they are justified.

My son is 14 and has a phone. He gets no privacy. I pay for the phone, he is my child, and I want to make sure that I know what is going on with him.
My children also know that there is a time and a place for the phone (my other son, 11, has a *phone* that doesn't work as a phone but as an ipad/game.). And if they don't put away their phone when I ask them to then the phone is mine for the rest of the day. If their grades are bad, if they misbehave, if they inappropriately use their phone...it's mine for however long I decide.
You see....YOU and your husband are the parents....not her. So, she can be sassy and rude all by herself in her room...without the phone that the adults in her life pay for.

I have teens this age. Boys mind you, but they are into phones and texting, etc. too.

I have to agree with the advice given below. I really try to not make it into a production. It's hand it over - if needs be.

If my kids have been disrespectful, then they lose their privileges immediately. I do the same thing I did when they were little. Go to your room. I don't follow them, or check on them. I need time to collect myself. If it's that bad, I probably want to tell one of them off, but if you do that - you're engaging.

Last night, I said "enough" and they got out an old (really outdated) trivial pursuit game. We all played. I didn't say "it's family time" (I'm sure they would groan). My eldest just doesn't like being bored, so if phone is removed, he will go find something for everyone to do.

If you make giving up the phone sound horrible like "you have to spend time with us or your younger sibling " it's torture for them. So I keep it to "Enough".

I didn't quite get if you were the actual mom, or stepmom. Sorry - just had trouble following it. I couldn't understand why you called Dad at work. My husband, I know, would say "Deal with it - I'm at work" if I ever did that. Not to mention, makes you look like you can't handle it (to your kid). If you're not the one disciplining her (if she's your step daughter) then I wouldn't be getting into all the fights over this. You'd have to enforce the house rules, but the talks, discussions, etc. I would leave to your husband.

My 16 yo daughter lives with me. We're in counseling together. What is important is to providentify immediate consequences. I give too many second chances. I explain too often. With my daughter, her mother, I got hooked into arguments. I suggest not arguing is the first thing to do. Ignore her angry comments. Do not ignore her anger. Remain calm and respectful. Treat her like the way you want her to treat her. Immediately, in as calm a voice as you're able, enact a consequence. It could be to hold out your hand for her electronic device. Tell her she can have it back when she completes whatever you asked her to do.

I connect behaviour to electronic devices without limiting time. She can have and use device when she cooperates in a respectful manner. This gives her motive to be cooperative and respectful. You are modeling how to do that.

If she refuses to hand over her device, say nothing and stand there until she does. If she goes to her room, let it go until she returns. Tell her again to give them to you. This gives both of you time to cool down. If she doesn't hand them over, she loses use of the device for a week instead of the hour or day it takes her to comply.

Explain all of this to her ahead of time. Describe the reason for this consequence. When she objects, tell her cooperation and respect are important traits for everyone. It is your responsibility as her mom to teach her how to develop those traits. Tell her that if she has suggestions for what would be more effective,m and presents them in a respectful way, that you will consider them.

The difficult part for me when I was parenting my daughter was to leave emotion out of the process, to be patient and consistent. I have learned how to take my role less seriously. To maintain a calm, this is the way it is.

Remember to praise her whenever possible.

I recommend the book by Jim Fay entitied Love and Logic for Teens.

Respectful, calm, consistent, patient with immediate consequences. Easy to write down. Not so easy to do.

All electronics are left on the kitchen counter at night. No electronics in the bedroom after bed time. My daughter and her husband leave them outside too.

Staying in her room is common for teens. You can have a rule that says she has to spend a certain amount of time with family. Dinner together helps. Watching a movie or TV program or playing board games together can be a way to fill time with her. Ask her what she'd like to do. If she has no ideas, the family will decide.

I would have expected both your daughter and son to go with you to get tree. it's a tradition.

Spending time together having fun builds a closer relationship.

I can't quite follow your story here. Not trying to be critical, I just can't follow what's going on. She has "other family" she spends half of her time with? What does that mean? Are you her step-mom, or is your husband (You referred to him as her dad) her step-dad?

I can't tell what is typical... drama? She spends time in her room on her phone? That's pretty normal. She doesn't prefer to be doing "family stuff" and would rather be with her friends? Pretty normal also. Emotional? That *can* be normal/typical. Hormones are going nuts for most kids who are teens. Some years are harder than others.
As for the phone/ipad... does she not understand/have you not made clear to her from the start that these things belong to YOU (her parents) and that she uses them at your discretion? That you can check on them at any time? That there is no "privacy" on those devices, except as you allow, and then it is subject to anything being hacked or on social media (nothing on social media is every truly private)?

I think most teens, at some point, ponder moving out in a moment of anger. Or running away. But in days/years past, it wasn't shared in writing where parents could see it. It was mutterings under their breath as they stomped into their rooms and shut the door.

I guess I just am not following what it is that has you so concerned... one moment you say she is a good student, with good grades, but just before you indicate she is struggling in school. Which is it?
You say you are trying to give her space to self-regulate (what does that even mean?) but "it's gotten worse." WHAT has gotten worse? You don't really say.

Can you give some background, and what has suddenly changed? I just can't tell fro reading your post, I'm sorry.
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I'm re-reading, and after reading the other response you have, are you saying the issue is that she won't unplug from her digital life to spend time with the family?
THAT is the whole thing at issue here? If I am understanding that correctly, then I think it's pretty extreme. I mean, on your part maybe. How old is this teen? I have 2. And we've never really had too many phone/device issues. A few growing pains and being dumb, but not really in terms of them being unable to turn off the phone. We never really expected or demanded that they put their phones out of reach when we do family stuff. Rides in the car? Sure, text your friends. They still are involved in conversations in the car at the same time. Need both hands (to help put the tree on top of the car)? Yes, put the phone in your purse/pocket and lend a hand. But LEAVE IT AT HOME? No. We never expected that.

Leave it in your room while at the dinner table eating? YES. But not just because we are all in the same room.
Remember what it was like being a teen? (I don't know how old you are.) When I was a teen, you got on the phone (with a loooooong cord) and stayed on it with your friends from the time you walked in the door from school. Except for dinner. Then you were back on it until some designated time that was "rude" to call people after (9:00 usually). It's really no different now, except that they aren't attached by a cord, and they don't talk, they text instead. And several of them can be in the same "conversation" at the same time.
Our kids phones are off during Sunday School and church services. As are mine. But they are back on once over. They are expected to behave politely (you don't pull out your phone and start texting when you are having a face to face conversation with someone), but you don't have to leave your phone at home to do that. Teach them how to be polite and use their manners.

If they are not involved in any extra-curricular activities, this can be more difficult for them to master. If they are, their adult supervision usually will require their compliance with no phone use. In Band? ZERO phone use policy during practice. In sports? Left in the locker room or your gym bag. Not on the field, the mat, etc.

It's not unlike teaching kids to have the patience to read versus allowing them to watch TV and video games and never helping them learn to do things at a slower pace. Kids need help to learn these skills. It isn't something you can just tell them and they know how to do it, or even have the ability to do it, without practice. Baby steps, holding the sofa and cruising before walking on their own.

Maybe engage her in physical activity that doesn't allow her to have her phone out. Don't make her put it up, just engage her so that SHE puts it up on her own. Let's go play some basket ball. Or to the beach and swim. Or play volleyball. Or running. Or help you paint something. Or move furniture around. Or .... whatever. Encourage her to do something specific for 20 minutes without her phone... it gets easier to disengage from the phone. It's a skill she'll need as an adult in the working world.

If I've misunderstood the issues involved, please provide more information. Good luck.

Is this particular teen your step-daughter or biological child?

If she's a step-daughter, what rules does her primary custodial parent have for phone use, and do you follow them? Or are you trying to step in ahead of her biological parents, maybe because there aren't rules that make sense? Is her dad clear about phone rules, establishing them, and then consistently and calmly following them? Or are you the only person concerned with her phone use?

It seems fairly normal for a teen not to want to hang out with a much younger half-sibling, if that's what this case is. Trying to force the issue won't help. There's a point where teens don't want to do the traditional things we do at holidays, even though they used to get such joy from those things. It's just part of growing up. And the traditions stay with them, and they often return to them when they have their own kids eventually. But sometimes the most un-cool thing a teen can think of is to do that family photo where everyone wears matching sweaters, or decorating the tree. Make sure your traditions are growing along with your kids, and don't hesitate to make small changes in your traditions.

As for calling her dad at work, and telling her what her dad thinks in the interim period before he gets home, well, I personally believe that was a mistake. The dad jumped to conclusions and grounded her before checking her texts, talking with her, and deciding on the consequential punishment, calmly. It would have been better, I think, to sit down calmly with her dad and relate what happened. Discipline and punishment work best when administered face-to-face, in person, with love and logic and calm strength. Sure, we all need the other parent sometimes, when he or she is deployed, or when it's an emergency, and we rely on phone connections for those times. But fairly predictable, normal (though not acceptable) teen behavior can wait until the parent in charge returns from work.

There needs to be some consistency here - the dad can't be arriving at conclusions at work, and you shouldn't be delivering his messages and telling her how upset he is, when he's not there to teach her himself. It all sounds very chaotic to me, and the girl felt tossed about as in a boat in a storm.

I'm not saying she shouldn't have clearly established rules, and consistent calm enforcement of the rules, and logical punishments. I'm all for that. It just doesn't sound like that's what's happening in your home right now.

If this is not your step-daughter and I have jumped to any incorrect assumptions, I apologize.

Hmm, the phone situation hasn't gotten any better since Sept and sounds like it's got worse.
When are you going to try pulling the plug for a few weeks?
You've given her enough rope to hang herself with - and she has.
Just suspend the devices except for school work purposes and when she's done getting over her withdrawal only give her very limited time online.
She'll be an adult before you know it and then she'll be on her own with all the privileges, responsibilities and bills that come with adulthood.

Just to echo a few of the thoughts expressed below:

You are the stepmother. I am a stepmother too and I understand the frustrations of shared custody and trying to parent a child who is not yours and forge a bond with a younger half-sibling. I also understand teen drama - 13 is tough. It's hard enough for kids to switch from one house to another, from one parenting style to another, from one set of rules to another. And now, with phones and iPads, the devices tend to provide the consistency from one place to another by being a lifeline to their friends.

You say that you take things more personally if someone else tells you they hate you, than you would if you own son said it - honestly, I would be the opposite. You're letting a 13 year old and her friends get to you! But you have to be the voice of calm, the reasonable one, the adult. You have to defer and be patient and wait for her father to get home to handle things. You have to understand that kids will play one set of parents against the other if they can, just as kids in a single family will play dad off against mom (and vice versa). You have to be the bigger person and see this as what it is - the start of teen rebellion, the desire to be on her own long before she is ready. And what another kid said about you is something you brush off.

Your husband needs to explain to her that she has no expectation of privacy when it comes to on line posts and texts. These are public forums and they are, by definition, public. Anything that she puts out there, or that is shared with her by other kids, has potential repercussions for her. So her parents are legally responsible. Period. She has a reasonable expectation of privacy in her room and in the bathroom, but that's for HER, not her devices. You pay for them, you are responsible, that's it. Her room is not private to the point of drugs or booze or sexual activity either. You (her father, that is, and you as his "surrogate") are responsible for her safety until she is out on her own. The way she earns the right to her devices is by proving she can handle them responsibly. The same will occur when she gets a learner's permit and a driver's license - she will practice and then have restrictions until she is clearly mature and skilled enough to manage them. She does not get to lock her phone out from you and her father, and there should be plenty of oversight by both her dad and mom of what's on that phone at any given time.

Don't let her blame you by saying you broke her trust - she is using devices that you pay for to say bad things about any of her parents (not just you - that's important to stress!) and then thinks she's the martyr. Typical teen behavior but don't buy into it. Frankly, it would have been MUCH more effective if you had read the texts and NOT reacted with fury! It would have given her a lot to think about if you had been calmer - not saying it's okay, but saying, "Looks like there's going to be a lot for you to talk to your father about tonight." Stop short of saying that she's in trouble - that's not for you to decide. The more irrational you are, the more you drive her to her friends for solace.

Learn to take screen shots of everything - so there's proof even if someone erases things. You need to do that quickly and you don't have to discuss it with her at the time, unless there is something of incredible severity or some indication of danger. Save those for her father, and her father can decide what needs to be shared with her mother.

When kids get to this age, they need a soft place to fall when they get over their heads. They need to know that they can call a parent who will not freak out if the kid is in a bad situation. Even if they are where they shouldn't be or with someone they shouldn't be, or with friends who are drinking or using drugs, the kid needs to know she can call and be rescued from a situation without anyone flying off the handle, taking it personally, or punishing her. We had a code word with our son so that he could alert us to a problem and then blame us (to the friends) for taking him out of there - we wanted him to save face and still be able to extricate himself from the situation. We were more than happy to be "the bad guy" and the "uncool parents" in order to keep him safe. Please find a way, with her father and her other set of parents, to have an agreement here. Google "teen contracts" and so forth for some ideas.

Sounds like you've let her be an adult too early. There isn't any way she shouldn't be monitored on her phone and online use.

That's on her dad and her mom. And you, I'm not leaving you out. BUT for something like this I'd say that dad needs to be the heavy, and her mom. If you guys have 50/50 then her mom MUST hold the same values that you do so that she isn't calling mom and saying "Stepmom took my phone, now I don't have ANY way to call you if I need you" wah, wah, wah, then mom gets her a new phone and says YOU can't have any control over it.

I think it's better to monitor instead of give freedom and hope they don't make a mistake.

Our girl is required to hand over her phone at any time asked. She has it locked with a numeric code PLUS a fingerprint. So when we request her phone we hold it and she has to open it. My husband can access it somehow as the admin/owner of the account but I don't know how. He can also change the password to the internet at any time where he devices won't be able to access online. Her data comes through our phone service and we can turn off her data any time we want.

She knows her phone is power to us and she will go do her chores and make better decisions of she knows we will access her stuff.

Google Katie Greer and check out her website. She is an internet safety expert who just did seminars at our middle school for students and parents. Lots of great info on setting ground rules about use of electronics and social media. Now is a great age for your, your husband and daughter to get on the same page.

Regarding privacy? It's a moot point when using devices because NOTHING that's typed, photographed, or recorded is ever really secure. You need to have complete and unfettered access to every one of her devices and accounts. It's not snooping when you set a baseline expectation that you and her dad can see every photo, tweet, snap and text because really, all it takes is one screenshot of something she thought was private to be captured and shared with an unintended recipient for real trouble to start. If she knows you're monitoring, she'll be more likely to self-edit, which is a great skill to learn. I stopped regularly checking on my kids' accounts when they were 16-17 and had displayed good restraint and judgment over the years. At 13, you absolutely have a right and need to see what she's putting out there. Emphasize that true privacy happens only in face to face or phone conversations.

Anyway, check out the Katie Greer stuff. I went to the parents presentation and my 7th grader went to the kid one and we were both impressed and learned a lot.

you will have to take it all away for a while till she can appreciate what she had then gradually let her use it again. its going to be tough and shes going to hate you for it.. but thats all part of it, she needs to learn that her parents know what is good and bad and are helping her with it. even if it means being grounded for a month. (which i was back when i was 16.. i was grounded from everything except work and school.. and dad drove me to and from work.. sucked and i hated it.. but i never did the thing that got me grounded again.)