I was wondering if anyone has gone through something similar to this and how you handled it? My hubby came up with a really great idea and now I understand why I wasn't too sold on it. We had a lot of maintenance work to do around our house, that I should just drop our son off at an event he had to go to and pick him up when it was over. Tried it this weekend and it didn't work. He was told I would be there at 11:30AM. The event ended 15 min. early and I showed up on time. My son is so used to me showing up early for everything, but hubby and I really wanted to finish a small section of molding so I didn't leave early. Since my son didn't see me, he decided to try to walk home instead of waiting for me. I got there and waited a little thinking he'd come out of the building. Then I started to get a little anxious and searched the entire building for 20 min., asked everyone and they saw him but didn't know where he went, called his friends I knew the phone number to, called my mother-in-law, and drove to one of his friend's houses I didn't know the number to. By that time I was freaking out and in tears. I didn't know if someone took him, if he decided to walk to a local store, and worst yet....Hubby would be ferrious and not let him attend the event he has to or go to summer school.
Thnx everyone. This made me feel better to see It doesn't just happen to me. I fiigured out that since we can't afford a second cell phone. (We had the cell phone, because there was no phone where we were working.) I will get a waitress pad to write down what time I will pick him up and where. That way he'd have a note and I'd have a copy, so he can't say "I didn't tell him," which was his excuse. (It's always his excuse.) I did tell him no computer and my sister, hubby, and niece heard me, but he said I didn't say that. I even told my mother-in-law no computer. The mother-in-law's a story for another day. At the type of events he goes to, there is always a land line phone to call from. We will be checking into a pay as you go for Christmas. (Need to save up.)It's easy to say to be early, but sometimes things happen that you can't, so on time should be suffient.
We didn't have cell phones back in the day, but my mom had me carry 20 cents to make a payphone call if needed. Do they have payphones in the school?
I know you were scared and I would have been too, just seems like a lesson learned and move on. Now he knows to wait no matter what. Oh and you both learned that communication needs to increase.
I would have been LIVID!!! And what do you mean nothing was done becasue it was a first offense???? He would have been grounded or something taken away for that so he UNDERSTOOD the seriousness of that. You had NO idea where he was and something could have happened to him. No way, I would have been MUCH stricter about this and handled it way differently than you did. I'm just now starting to trust my kids with things like this (they are 12 and 9) and I keep telling them if I can't trust them to do the right thing when they are with me, then how can I trust them to do the right thing when they aren't with me. You didn't really ask a question but this is just how I would have handled it.
Your son didn't do anything terrible, he just didn't know what to do when you weren't there and, being a teenager, decided to take matters into his own hands. He made a decision and inconvenienced you. The worry part is your own choice. Sorry, but you are going to have to get used to it.
I'm on my 4th teenager. They all do these things because they are learning how to make decisions, be independent (not a bad thing), and they don't have alot of common sense yet. As a mom, I've found it's best to not think the worst has happened. Usually, there is a logical explanation for them being gone, late, not where you thought you were supposed to meet them, not answering their cell phone.... etc. You can try to plan ahead for every possibility and you will still be surprised that things get messed up.
Try to see this from your son's perspective. He was not out vandalizing or taking drugs. He just didn't know what to do and made the best decision he could at the time. And he might have guessed right, because for all he knew, something bad could have happened to make you late and he'd be standing outside by himself waiting for hours. I know it's upsetting from your perspective and I've been there and done that. But this is a chance to troubleshoot your communication, maybe get him a cell phone, and let your son make some innocent mistakes as he figures out how to manage his world.
I'm sorry... but I don't completely understand. Your teenage son went to an event and ended up walking home because you weren't there when the event ended - right? So are you saying that he's now in trouble with your husband and has to go to summer school? Did your son do something wrong by attempting to walk home? Meaning... did you specifically tell him he needed to stay at school and wait? It sounds like he was trying to be proactive and help out, not be a bad kid. Is your son ok? Did he mind walking home?
Sounds to me like you all learned that this isn't the best way to handle events. Maybe next time put a plan in place - like you'll arrive early, or he'll wait. And maybe it's time for him to have a cell phone he can use to call you if there's a change of plans?
It sounds like an honest mistake and I'd give him a break this first time. Just be sure to remind him when you drop him off the next time that he should wait for you if you are not there when he comes out. If it happens again, then punishment is in order. I can imagine how frightened you were. That happened with my granddaughter after school once. Her ride was just two minutes late and we couldn't find my granddaughter anywhere! It is very scarey. Turns out she had decided to start walking also! She was only six! I was so scared! But now she knows, she is to wait. And if she feels like she's been waiting a long time, then she is to go to the office and call or borrow someone's cell phone and call, but NEVER leave!
I would always tell my kids where to meet me. I expected them to be there if I was late or they were early. We only had a problem when one of my head strong teenagers decided to do something different and not wait for me or my wife.
We punished for disobedience and praised for obedience.
Good luck to you and yours,
How old is your son and what kind of event? My pre-teen son did something like this last year before he had a cell phone and we were frantic wondering where he was. he was supposed to take the bus home from school - I was at a conference and my husbnad was at work - instead he went to a friend's house and left a message on our home phone answering machine. From where we were we had no idea where he was, we sent his older teen sister all over town looking for him, my husband (a police sergeant) ended up calling the police to look for him - and he ended up walking up the driveway as the police pulled up.
Taht's when we set up very specific guidelines. This is the kind of stuff that happens once - then you figure out how to set up guidelines to avoid it in the future. You'll figure it out. These teen years are tough - they think they're capable of dealing with stuff on their own - but they haven't yet developed the "contingency mentality" - they haven't had enough life experiences yet...
Grr - you'll get through this - a cell phone will help - but it won't be a cure all - only age, experience and maturity will. ;o) ....and that's not going to happen soon!
A cell phone would solve this dilemma. That or tell him to NEVER leave until you arrive -even if you're uncharacteristically late. It sounds like a pretty honest mistake and a case of a kid just not really thinking (which is pretty common), so I'm not sure why your husband would be so furious -especially if it's some type of mandatory thing to keep him out of summer school.
This was your family's first time and there was a learning curve for all involved. A teen should be able to do somethings independently with friends. But just because you gave him a bit of freedom, doesn't mean he should 'run' with it! You also don't tell us if he is 13 or 17, makes a bit of difference in freedom allowances.
A prepaid cell phone would be a cheap and easy way to handle this in the future.
And it sounds like you did everything BUT drive the route home to see if he was walking.
Teens don't think with reason. According to studies, that center of their brain has not developed yet. You have to lay out every detail. "You will wait at this spot until I pick you up at this time."
I would punish for this event. Our kids' punishment was a 2 week grounding, no matter what the crime. That way, they knew ahead of time what their punishment would be and decide if they were willing to risk their freedom for whatever 'crime' they were considering doing.
Consider a pay as you go and he ONLY uses it when he's at events. If he uses up his minutes, he pays for it.
I call this a first time offense and now he knows he MUST wait or he MUST call the person who is supposed to be giving him a ride to confirm where you are. I'm also confused as to why he didn't wait til the pickup time - nevermind that you are often early, if you've arranged to pick him up at 11:30, you are not late til after that time. I think you and your son need to work on communicating. While I understand being worried, how old is he? I don't start to worry about a HS student til I've asked around a bit. Are you in a high crime area or something, or just a worrier?
If he's close enough to walk home, maybe he should just walk home after events vs you picking him up. HS is old enough to walk a mile or two. My SD will often wait for us at the mall, about a mile from her school. She and friends often walk there to wait for parents.
So where was he? What did he say? Does he not have a cell phone?
Need more details to help!
Not sure how old he is or how far away this event was. I agree with previous posters, get a pre-paid phone for emergencies. They are relatively inexpensive and you only get so many minutes.
When I was 14 I went everywhere by myself and even took the bus to get downtown. This was about 15 years ago. I probably would have done the same thing that he did and just started to walk home.
He should have a cellphone. If he wants the freedom to be on the move, then he can mow lawns, babysit, dog walk or whatever to pay for his own phone. You should not have to hunt him down. I'm a mom of a 12 and a 16 year old. If my child took off when I was supposed to pick them up, there would be a grounding. It was very irresponsible of him. Teens SHOULD be attending school and social events on their own! However, if this is a new situation for you, then you need to lay some rules down and make it quite clear that he is never to leave without calling you. The problem isn't that you were busy doing something and didn't arrive early. The problem seems to be that you didn't prepare your son for these situations, didn't tell him your expectations or give him a way for you to stay in contact with each other.
He should have a cell phone and learn to use it. How old is he he should know better,
So why didn't he have a cell phone with him? He could have asked othes to borrow their phone.. Your son is old enough to wait till you get there.
"The event ended 15 min. early and I showed up on time." So why did your son not wait till you got there? Is your son special needs?
I do not understand how he could not figure out if the event ended 15 minutes early and you were going to get there at the scheduled time it ends, to just wait.. or figure out a way to call you..
Your son is the problem not your husband.
This was the first time you've done this. Give yourself and him a break. It will take time to work out the bugs. Now you know you have to emphasize with him that he is to stay until you arrive. There will be a consequence if he doesn't.
Relax! I wouldn't discipline him because this was the first time and it takes time for the two of you to work this out. He most likely wasn't listening as well as he should. Next time, have him repeat what you say.
My mum flew off the handle like this at me once.
So the NEXT time it happened, when she ended up stuck on a ferry for 6 hours... there I waited. In the cold. Asked out on a "date" by 2 skeezy guys in cars rolling up on me in the empty parking lot. Passed by hundreds of people, a few of them offering me rides. For 4 and a half, bloody, hours.
After that she caved and bought herself a cellphone.
Back then, there were still payphones around. But she was stuck without one. So it didn't matter phoning collect.
HER parents lost it on her after that one. PRE cell phones, teens walked if they weren't picked up. Getting me in so much trouble that I was unable to problem solve (putting myself in danger to "stay put").
Oy.
Totally messed up situation.
All fixed with a handy dandy cellphone.
Just asking>>does your mother-in-law decide the punishments for your children?
You may not be able to afford a cell phone contract. BUT if you get an iphone 4 or 4S, new or used, or even some ereaders or an ipad http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=ereader+3g&o...
(That is a link for the ereader Kindle with free 3G network) you can still communicate via email or messaging. some devices can do calling like with the skype app for free. Worth looking into as an option.
If this is the first time I wouldnt get to angry although I do totally understand the fear of them not being where they are supposed to be. believe it or not this happens more often with my youngest he is "a runner" the kid literally dissapears all the time if he isnt told exactly where to be " stand by the flag pole- DO NOT MOVE until I get there" he could be anywhere.
