Taking the Right Amount of Food

I would say make her plate. I do this with my family, not for any specific reason, it's just the way I have always done it. You can even let her help you load everyones plates. Just tell her how much of each everyone gets. my kids love to help.

She is starting go have food issues. No, she already has food issues.

Making her eat it all, and her throwing up, is just not good.
She is only 9.
It can escalate.

She does not know how, to portion size. She does not know how, to think ahead or use deductive reasoning, to make her plate of food.

Has anyone just asked her, 'why' she does that?

I actually think your grocery jar idea is the best one! Good thinking! It is the most logical of consequences and will really help to draw a line between what watseful really means. I absolutely agree with you about not wanting to make her sit at the table or give her the same plate at every meal, I'm not into that either. Does she get an allowance? I would maybe take money out of it for "groceries". Remind her again what your expectations are and tell her that if she doesn't take the correct portions then you will start using her allowance to go towards the groceries. Then I would ignore it again. When it comes time for allowance, get out all her money and then tell her I'm taking X amount back b/c you wasted food on Monday and Tuesday so here's what's left over. Leave it at that and see what happens. This is tough!

Can you just put the food on the plate for her to start? Tell her this is what she is starting with - if she finishes it, and wants more, then she can ask for more. And tell her, "Since you insist on taking too much and we've talked about this before, I guess you've decided that you need us to measure it out for you instead."

Otherwise I would wonder if there is a deeper issue here, and if you should talk to her pediatrician or other professional (therapist, etc.).

Well, you have definitely gotten yourself into a battle of wills with your little girl. That is certainly no fun for either of you.

I agree with other posters. Make her plate. Make everyone's plate so that you are not singling her out.

This scenario kind of reminds me of when my son was about a year and a half and used to love to throw his food on the floor. He certainly got a reaction out of me. I would say, "No, no, no." Then I would pick up the food and he would again throw it on the floor. It took me a few days to realize that I was going to have to stop reacting to this behavior and that I could not give my son a plate of food. I would give him a few pieces at a time. This ended that behavior.

You are not doing your nine year old daughter any favors by making her finish everything she has taken. Nor, is it helpful to actually charge her money every time she doesn't finish her food. I am quite surprised so many mom's thought that was a good idea.

Nine year olds are willful. You two are in a battle. The strategy you are thinking of using is sure to fail in the end. Be the bigger person, which you are, and just fix a plate fory your daughter and the rest of the family.

When you begin doing this try to refrain from any smarmy remarks like, "Since you can't handle serving yourself I am now going to do it.". This will only continue the battle. And who knows she might actually stop eating what you serve and you definitely don't want that.

If she questions this new strategy be gentle with her. Calmly say that you and the rest of the family are trying something new. Just be sweet and kind with her. If she has any sarcastic comments about the new arrangements just ignore them and interact with other members of your family.

I wish you luck. This too shall pass.

Peace.

Making her eat what she takes is definitely a setup for health issues, physical and mental. The baby plate she might reasonably see as demeaning and controllling, and what you want is a child who makes good choices because she wants to make good choices. Charging her for food she wastes is a not unreasonable consequence, and might work over time, depending on the size of her allowance and how important that is to her. Here's one more idea:

Would you consider attaching a "budget" with dollar cost to the foods you serve to give her a sense of the actual cost to your family? It wouldn't have to be precise, just a ballpark amount rounded to the nearest dollar, or even nearest quarter. You could give her coupons or monopoly money at the beginning of a meal (eventually make this for the whole week), with a value equal to just a bit more than she should be eating.

Have her pay for her portions as she serves herself, and if she has money left over, you could tally that toward a reward that she can 'earn' with enough savings in food not thrown away, maybe a trip to the ice cream shop, pizza parlor, or some special place like a movie or the zoo.

This comes close to bribery, which I don't believe in as a behavioral tool, but it would be strongly educational and may help break a habit based either in thoughtlessness or a power struggle. Once her habit changes, you could gradually phase it out.

I also strongly recommend the wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. This practical and accessible book is spilling over with real-life examples of how parents helped set the conditions for the child to address the problem herself. And though we don't usually think about children in these terms. they can be creative problem solvers. Plus, kids are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, and are more likely to work at making them a success.

How about these ideas?:

Make everyone's plate & place on the table.

or

When she is throwing away 50% of her food--no tv or computer for the next day.

We always say: Take what you want BUT want what you take!

Has she ever been to a food pantry or soup kitchen?
She might realize that many people have to live on the amount she throws away ALL day long.

If you set out your dinner family style, meaning everyone grab a portion for themselves, don't put out so much on the serving dishes. Put just enough for everyone to take. Then if she says she is still hungry tell her to wait 15 minutes and after 15 minutes if she is still hungry she can take some more. My son is sort of like this that he always wants more, then can't finish. This solution worked for us. Good luck.

Feed my starving Children is a great way to teach a child that not all kids in the world get to have a spoon, fork and plate and get to fill it with whatever they want everyday. I would also make only one serving per person and since she is wasteful, she is at the end of the line so she is still serving herself but can't take anymore than an appropriate serving. Also a nutrition lesson of what a serving is, what we need to fuel our bodies. Places to look for this are hospitals offering classes for kids, park districts and places like whole foods or other food markets. Also does she help prepare foods yet? Has she ever planned a menu? Learned about budget? Teach her to prepare a menu for a week with a set amount of money. She is to choose healthy foods that she likes to include in this menu. Then she also has to help cook the meal and clean up afterwards. I know it is alot of extra work for you but it may be positive attention she is needing or wanting and instead of turning this one into negative food association which can cause anorexia, bulemia or obesity.

Also make sure the family does a physical activity together at least once a week. As this will give attention but also show importance of being active.

As far as caring, make sure her ability to care about things, food, and others is there or there might be a borderline disorder and may need to be further examined by a doctor. Consult your ped doc without her present and then ask for an evaluation for her.

Updated

Feed my starving Children is a great way to teach a child that not all kids in the world get to have a spoon, fork and plate and get to fill it with whatever they want everyday. I would also make only one serving per person and since she is wasteful, she is at the end of the line so she is still serving herself but can't take anymore than an appropriate serving. Also a nutrition lesson of what a serving is, what we need to fuel our bodies. Places to look for this are hospitals offering classes for kids, park districts and places like whole foods or other food markets. Also does she help prepare foods yet? Has she ever planned a menu? Learned about budget? Teach her to prepare a menu for a week with a set amount of money. She is to choose healthy foods that she likes to include in this menu. Then she also has to help cook the meal and clean up afterwards. I know it is alot of extra work for you but it may be positive attention she is needing or wanting and instead of turning this one into negative food association which can cause anorexia, bulemia or obesity.

Also make sure the family does a physical activity together at least once a week. As this will give attention but also show importance of being active.

As far as caring, make sure her ability to care about things, food, and others is there or there might be a borderline disorder and may need to be further examined by a doctor. Consult your ped doc without her present and then ask for an evaluation for her.

I'd make it a dollar--she might not feel or be motivated by a quarter. You might also want to take her grocery shopping and go over the final bill with her to show her how it adds up.

I have a few tactics to offer.

1. If she willfully wastes food, make it cheap food that you don't put a lot of effort into. You can make her a casserole and tell her it is to last her the week. Don't let her at the "good food."

2. Sounds like she could benefit from some volunteer work. Do you have a local Food Bank she could volunteer at?

3. Tell her you can't stand to see the food thrown away, so have to excuse yourself and leave the cleanup to her.

4. Don't allow her to be so willful. If she has a certain amount of food on her plate (and it's not dangerous to eat as leftovers) tell her she will receive no other food until she finishes it. (Reminds me of a scene from Mommy Dearest, but actually a part where I sided with Joan Crawford.) :-)

Best of luck to you.

put less in the serving dish

Instead of making her finish what she takes then, put it in the fridge and reheat it for her when she is ready for the next meal. Don't make her stay at the table and don't make a big deal out of it.

I like your idea of a smaller plate, and also the grocery fund as well. But a quarter is nothing. Make it more!

Is there some sort of reward she can be given for cleaning her plate? She is putting the food there so perhaps a reward for eating it all would help her self regulate herself?

Maybe not a baby plate but a smaller plate. And, while she might be old enough to fill her own plate, if you fill her plate with the proper portions of food for the next 2 months or so without making a statement about what you are doing she might see and get a feel for what the right amounts of food are.
I def think you are right to not force her to clean her plate or to make her gag on things she doesn't like! And I totally would have waited it out to see if she was rebelling, too...
Also, you could try making a trip to your local food pantry so she can get a better understanding that there are people all around her struggling to put food their tables and that while she can't send her leftovers to them you may be able to buy a couple of things to stock those food pantry shelves if you can conserve enough money by not wasting the food you have.
Good Luck!

Sounds like me when I was younger! I think it was a comfort thing, thinking food made me feel better. I was always stick skinny so it didnt raise an eyebrow then. Looking back I see it...Perhaps you can serve her and if she wants seconds you can serve her that too. We didnt start serving seconds until late in high school. Dinner was always served to us as we ate as a family. Let her know that whats left on her plate is going in the fridge and she will have that the following night for dinner, if she doesnt want it she doesnt eat. She only threw it up because that would make you feel badly and it did. She wont starve by any means. Dont do the quarter thing. Rewards for eating may only lead to reinforments you are not seeking and her over eating. Are there other attention/affection issues? I had issues with longing for my dads approval.

I would be inclined to go with the "fine" approach. Taking too much and having it thrown away is wasteful and she needs to learn. I would say a quarter for each food that she throws away after taking too much. Good luck!

I would simply give her a smaller plate. I wouldn't go as far as giving her a baby plate with portions, but a simple salad plate. If she balks at the idea I would let her know that she will earn back the right to use a larger plate when she is not wasting so much food. I would also put smaller serving spoons out, so it's easier to catch her piling on the food and correct the behavior. I would also put out less on the table. I would put out just enough for everyone and leave the rest warm in the oven...you can go to the oven when and if people need or want seconds. I would do what I could not to make this a huge battle over food. You're right forcing her to eat too much is not a good idea. But neither is a screaming match over left overs. It's a frustrating situation, good luck.

Maybe some measuring scoops for the portions...and have everyone use them? This is a tough one, as you said you do not want to start food issues, but teach the lesson on waste (especially in this economy!). I think whatever you do, should be for everyone when doing the home meals, so she doesn't feel so singled out. That helped us. When eating out, we did alot of sharing meals, having waitstaff pre-halve the meals into a take home portion, etc. All in an effort to retrain her eye to a more normal portion size. It was a gradual process for us.

My teen daughter (who is a heavyset girl...has been since day one!), does this still..and ends up tossing it out. She used to do it ALL the time, but has finally come around. Mostly I think its cuz she has discovered the beauty of the leftovers for her school lunches (she has access to microwaves at her new smaller school this year..and the time to do that). But having things that she COULD have as much as she wanted (like veggies without sauces and such on them)...serving fruit with each meal, etc...making only enough rolls for each of us to get one or 2...and all of us doing the new things have helped her.

My heavyset dayghter will never be a skinny mini, but she is making healthier habits as a result of our efforts.

I think you should explain that every time she takes more than she needs, (within reason--an extra spoonful isn't bad, but a plateful is), she is charged $X. Explain it to her beforehand, and then enforce it EVERYWHERE. Don't be emotional/angry when she does it, just be matter of fact. And make her do the action of putting the money in the jar.

So, that part is "the stick." Here is "the carrot" (or an example of a "carrot"): For every plateful where she is mindful of her stomach and only leaves a little bit, she gets a star or a point (or whatever counting mechanism you want). If she gets X stars/points in 1 week, she gets A nice thing (ex: afternoon at the movies); if she gets Y stars/points, she get B nice thing (ex: rollerskating date with 2 friends), etc.

Another thought: before she gets second helpings, make her wait 10 to 15 minutes to see if her brain catches the message that she's full (it can take a bit for our brains to get and process that signal from our stomachs).

Does she have any brothers or sisters? When my stepdaughter was that age she would be the same way when she came here. She would always want to get the most of everything and always went for seconds without regard to whether anyone else would want any or not. She seemed to want to take larger amounts of food like the boys did, but she is a tiny little thing and could never finish it. I think it was some sort of jealousy phase, that she wanted to have what the boys did. It wasn't a huge issue for us, as she was not here all the time. She did eventually outgrow it though.