Stressed Mom

I really feel for you, it seems like you really have alot on your plate. I can relate to how you feel because i also work fulltime and i have two toddlers that are full of energy. I would suggest that you talk to your husband and let him know waht is bothering you, sometimes we women seem to think that men can read our mind, but tell him that he really needs to help you out with the kids, and the chores around the house. Your kids are old enough to understand that they need to take responsibility for themselves and their actons and that you can always be picking up after them. tell me how the talk with your husband went. And hang in there:)
M.

Well this may not be the best of advice but I'll try!! If your kids are old enough to be doing chores girl I would be making them. When you come home from work tell them that supper won't be ready until they are done....setting table....take out trash....rooms are clean....if they want it bad enough it'll be done. Just tell them that if it isn't done that you will have a plate waiting in the oven for when they finish. As far as your husband goes I'd do some serious praying for him!!! Does he know how stressed you are? Let him know. Tell him that if I'm gonna be the one bringing home the bacon, your gonna have to give me a reason to fry it for him.

Young lady,
First of all, you are partly to blame. I am saying only partly. The moment the man becomes laid off, he should do all the cleaning and cooking, PERIOD! Is he receiving unemployment? If not, he needs to be looking for a job. This is not the time for being sweetness and light with this man. This is the time for ultimatums.

Men are basically lazy selfish creatures. If you do it all, they will let you. I understand how easy it is to avoid the arguments and just do it. It's taken a LOT of years to get mine to appreciate me even a little bit. But he doesn't have to actually appreciate you for you to refuse to do one thing at home. I suggest you continue to pay the bills at home, but.. pack your bag and stay at a friends for awhile. Tell hubby you are not coming home to him or the kids until the house is clean and dinner is on the table.

Suzi

K.,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. You need to take control of your life. It sounds to me by your posting that your husband is controlling the situation--having his cake and eating it to. Have you heard of Robin McGraw (Dr. Phil's wife)? She has a new book out called, "Inside My Heart: Choosing to Live with Passion and Purpose." I think you should read it. Mrs. McGraw recommends all women do the following:

1. Act Upon Your Life (vs. reacting)
2. Take Care of Yourself (stop putting yourself last)
3. Don't Give Away Your Power (Stop caring what everyone else thinks)

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart chat with your husband. Just because he is married doesn't make you his maid, cook, or whatever other things you do around the house. He is an adult and has responsibilities to his family other than working. And when he isn't working (cause he is laid off), he is expected to do more around the house. If not, than there is the door...after all you are already doing it by yourself, and you don't need yet another child. And if he expects to stay married, then he needs to be a partner to you, not another child.

Good luck.
SOURCE: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/09/19/earlyshow/leisu...#

Thought I would mention this to you...My best friend had the same problems in her marriage due in parrt to her husbands seasonal work as a landscaper. One year she decided to "put him to work" doing Christmas decorations. He already had the contacts from homes he works on and signs and buisness cards can be distributed throughout neighborhoods he already works in. Her husband ended up being so busy hanging Christmas lights that he had to hire others to help him. Christmas decorating has employeed him full-time for the last 4 years. He actually made more money some months hanging lights than he did in a portion of his landscaping buisness. It may not even be too late to start for THIS year. This turned into a very lucrative buisness venture for him and hopefully can do the same for your husband. I had even saw a posting on this site looking for referrals. Maybe something to think about???? Best of luck to you.

My husband just recently got a job after being off of work for 8 months. At first he was a dream. I never had to do anything around the house. I'd come home from work and he'd have everything done. That lasted about 4 months. After that the stress and depression sat in on him (I know this because he told me, we talk about everything). He would tell me that with no means to support us and my little retail job wasn't doing it he had lost the feeling of being a man. "A real man is able to feed his family" was what I heard all the time. After relocting 100 miles from our home he has went back to work and things is great. My advice to you and point to this story is you have to just remind him that you are a TEAM. Having a family is very difficult and to make it work both of you have to give 100%. There is no half way and there is noway that one person can do it alone. Help him to find a job. When your reading the paper look through the want ads and point out possibilities to him. As long as he knows you will take care of everything the longer he will let you take care of everything and the worse you are going to feel. If this don't work put your foot down and stop doing everything. Tell your husband and children if they don't clean the house it will stay dirty. If there is no clean dishes then McDonalds it is. If there is no clean clothes then everyone stays home. I would almost place money on it within a week they are all helping. Also for the children make a chore list. If chores aren't complete NO ALLOWANCE. Good luck to you.

BOOTCAMP MOM! Lay down the law. there is no reason why anyone should be treated like this ESPECIALLY BY THEIR HUSBAND! I totally agree with Traci. I was in your shoes other than, I was also in school and my husband worked. I began cleaning, cooking and shopping only for me and my 2 yr old. But that's not all I told him that if he persisted to treat me that way he was out and he ended up being out, for 2 weeks. It was great! My house stayed clean I was less stressed and my daughter also seemed happier. When he saw this, he came running back pleading. And since then he's been a changed man. We also saw a family psychologist, who helped us work out the kinks. He is the one who actually told me to leave him. It worked. But it was very scary because it could have back-fired. If you threaten it you have to be able to deal with the aftermath.
And one last thing, THROW OUT THE GAME SYSTEM. It rots your brain and there are better and more challenging things to do. Like spending quality time together and enjoying it(I tell ya, it can difficult to say the least). Allow only regulated times when the computer is used. There is actually a device on the market that allows you to control exactly what time those electronics can be used....LOOK INTO IT! Don't allow depression to take over your life, whether it's yours or your husbands.

Time to lay down the law!!! Demand that he get a job, or at least pick up his part at the house. He should have supper ready for yo if he's not working!! COME ON, this is not fair to you OR your kids. You are not the best mom you can be when you're stressed like that.

The great thing for you is that you recognize that you are over stressed and know the cause of it. I would Lay down the law with the kids and your husband. The sad thing is that you just got married and if he's like this already LOOK OUT....unless you fix the problem now!!

You might seek FAMILY counseling so that you have a venue to address all your issues with someone else present to hold everyone accountable. Tell them what you told us!!!! ASk them if they want you to stop doing everything and have a nervous break-down.

God Bless and keep us posted

I know exactly what you are talking about. It is really hard. Make a schedule for everything. If you do this and teach your kids to live by it, it will help. Also, you need to sit down and have a family meeting. Let everyone know what is expected. If you do this regularly (ie. Once a month) then you can go over what's changed, upcoming events, and ways to improve things. Also make sure to praise for help and give extra privileges if things are being done properly. This will help the stress all around. It is really helping around here.

To be frank, I can't believe you've put up with that behavior at all, especially from an adult. You are a partnership and he needs reminded that if he can't fulfill his duties in your marriage, then you may as well do it alone without an extra mouth to feed.

If I were in your shoes, my husband would be hearing this..."you have one week to get your act together and start helping out with the kids and house like an adult or start looking for an apartment." End of story.

K.,
During the winter maybe he could be a mystry shopper. Lots of company's hire to make sure the quality is there and its another income and free stuff just have to evaluate and turn in reciepts. My friend did this and it was a blessing to them. I think she said she did a google search to get info.
My friend now goes out every so often but anytime they want to go out to eat the are mystry shopping and just have in a small generic-brief quality control letter to the company chairman and boom the money's refunded to their checking account. I mean how easy but they want men more so that women because we flood the stores but the outdoor stores prefer men and both are welcome to shop anywhere anytime. His take home pay is approximately 8,000 per month and says he will never go back to where he was before. He also if you do it long enough you get health insurance. He buys clothing for the kids, groceries, vitamins, shoes, electronice, beds, any household items ya want he even bought a washer and dryer 1 time and gave it to a friend who was desperate.

Good luck let us know,
Suan

Since everyone in that house is old enough to assume responsibility for most of their well-being, I would have a sit-down family meeting and lay down some rules. It seems you are wearing the pants, so make the rules too. TEll them you are not the live in maid. Let them go without clean laundry and maybe tell you can buy the groceries and set a simple menu, but give each person a day to make it--and if they don't , no supper for them that night. I would probably do something drastic like take the hard drive of the computer with me, or shut off the internet service and say since there is only one income, something had to go, and that was it. Don't make it easy for them to do whatever they want while you shoulder all of the responsibility. Maybe your husband and you could see a counselor to find out why he isn't working as a team with you on marriage and parenting? He should be handling the kids as well.

Your husband's behavior is unacceptable and insullting to you. If he is laid off you should have NOTHING to do when you get home. No laundry, no cleaning and no cooking. That should all be done while he is at home. I work part-time and take care off my daughter when I am not working. My husband works about 50 hours a week. When he comes home at night he puts our daughter to bed even when he has just got off work. He has stayed home sick one day in the past two years and all the laundry was done when I got home that day. No he is not perfect but he does what he likes to help out even though he works. He does not clean or cook but takes out trash, does maintenance around the house and takes care of our daughter when he is at home.
If I was you I would ask him to leave until he wanted to help out.

Me and my husband had the same problem and he just refused to do anything until I left. I came home a few days later and he started doing soooo much more to help reduce my stress and everything. My husband said his mom did it all and I should be able to do it all too, I told him well I am not your mother I am me, and I need you to help, it's our house, our kids, our bills, and you need to help out with everything, I can't do it all by myself. My husband was working at the time but he just refused to help with anything else. There are still things he won't do, like laundry, and give the kids a bath, but he will vaccuum, load the dishwasher, help cook super. We actually got into this habit at dinner time we would eat, and when everyone is done me and my daughter will get the dishes loaded into the dishwasher, my husband will put any leftovers into containers and in the fridge and will wipe off the table so the only thing I have left to do after the dishes is wipe down the counters and stove. We can have it completly done in 15 minutes instead of me taking 1/2 an hour to do it by myself. Try telling him he's got to change and I would seriously start with the meal time like we did.

HI Stressed Mom

I am sorry you have put your self in this situation. We all feel stressed out some times and I know it can just take your breath away. when I feel stressed I decide what is really important and what I can put to the side for when I have more time. When nothing can be put to the side I call in the troops for help (my kids, my husband, a cleaning company, whatever I need and can afford).

I don't want to sound mean or flip about your situation but I have to take out all the fluff on things like how to help get your kids involved and how to help hubby find a job.

Stress is self induced (not all, but yours is). We also teach people how to treat us. So my question to you is why are you allowing them to treat you as the maid and slave. Why is that ok w/ you. When are you going to say enough is enough. You are taking care of all of these people, who is taking care of you. If I where you I would just stop. I would not do another thing for any of them. On your way to work grab breakfast, on your way home grab dinner (for you and only you). I would take your trash out, and clean up your messes. If it where me I would go on strike! Yes they will let the house get to be a mess, they will only stay hungry for so long. Let them know it is time for you to take care of you, they don't seem to care about you. Let them know you will no longer be their made or slave. They only treat you that way because you allow it, stop. I am not saying it has to be the battle of the wills, and it may get that way. But stick to your guns. I don't know how long you have been doing this, so it may take some time to reverse. when you get home from work and they all ask what is for dinner I would say you don't know you have eaten and sit down and relax. wash your own clothes and clean up your own messes, don't tuch their stuff. We know they will give in and eat, but if they don't start to clean up I wold put their sh-- at the curb. And if hubby will not stop playing on the computer I would forget to pay the internet bill. There is no excuse for him to treat you, your house and the kids w/ that little respect. Kids have to be taught, but he should know better.

I wish you all the best w/ this and I hope you get to feel less stress soon. If all else fails, check into a spa for a long weekend. Keep us posted and take care of yourself.

T.

Me and my fiancee have been together for 8 years so it feels like we're married and he does almost the same thing. I don't work so I try to keep the house clean and ask him to help but most of the time he'll sit around playing video games or watching wrestling movies and he'll wait til close to the time he has to go to work and then say he doesn't have time and he'll do it later but later is like 12 midnight so we can't really do much housework that late. Basically I make him help me around the house. It shouldn't be all your responsibility to keep your house clean it should be your husband's and kid's as well so don't let them walk all over u.

Hi K.,

I'm sure the holiday season is not helping . . . You've got to take one thing at a time. Is peace and quiet essential? Then establish alone time each evening for everyone. The kids can go to their rooms, you can catch up on whatever, and it doesn't sound like you'll have to twist your husbands arm to agree . . . Maybe not worrying about dinner is important. Take turns cooking. Your 'helpful' husband can take a night, the kids can each take a night and you can do the weekends.

Baby steps, K.. You can't turn it all around by yourself. And you can't do it all yourself. Good luck.

R.

K.-
I have been in your shoes, only my children are not all old enough to be doing chores. My husband got laid off about 6 months ago, he is back to work now, but the first few weeks he was off work, he did not do anything. I was even having to take my kids to the sitters because he did not want to watch them. He said that it is hard to look for a job when you have 3 children with you. After 2 weeks of him doing noting, not even looking for a job, I sat down and had a talk with him.
I simply told him That if I had to do everything on my own, I may as well be on my own. I explained to him that with him off work, I could not afford to pay a sitter, so he was going to start taking care of the kids. And he needed to start helping with the house, because I could not do it all. After Our talk, I stopped cooking, if it got too late in the evening I fixed my kids something to eat, but I did n ot fix him anything. After a few days of going hungry, he got the point, and started helping out.

Two websites you need to check out are www.myrewardboard.com (for the kids) and www.flylady.net. I had a similar problem and found that when I started putting in more effort, rather than refusing to work until I saw effort from him, I got results. We did lots of talking about feelings, etc but I do agree with the other ladies, if he's staying home right now, he needs to be much more responsible. My husband does commercial construction and his home for a couple of weeks at a time between jobs. He does ALL of the cooking, a lot of the cleaning, and even makes homemade frozen dinners for me to use when he's out of town. Please check out the websites mentioned. Hopefully they will help. Good luck!

Hi K.,

I am a single mom of two. I am a single mom becouse of many of the reasons you listed. It has been a long lonely road, but as I think back, my husband was depressed, he could not find work or got laid off alot, and all I did was rub it in his face that I was working and supporting our family. He did nothing all day but sit on the computer. Thinking back, perhaps if I had told him what I expected him to do while I was gone, and noted that I was only asking him to do what I do after work each day, maybe it would have turned out different. I do miss him now, and now I know the way I talked to him was unacceptable. Im suggesting you step back and look at the way you are coming off to him. Maybe simply talking about it will help? Sound too simple to work, but now I wish I had tried it. As for the kids, leave a list and hand out no money until it is done. My friend pays he daughter per chore done to her satifaction, dished $2.00 vaccuum living room $1.00. Could this help? Good luck...and instead of crying, try reading a book or magazine.

first you need to take your husband out of the house and have a talk about what's going on at home. You need to communicate with him about your needs and the children don't need to hear it right now. Once you two have come up with a game plan then you come back to have a family meeting. Your agenda should go something like this:

Chores for the children. http://familyfirst.net/parenting/chorelist.asp
Everyone in the home has a daily chore. Doing your chore will earn a reward such as allowance or going out on weekends, even earning something back. Failure to do chores will result in losing privileges and items from their rooms until they can earn it back.

Division of Labor. For those things the kids can't do your husband should pitch in. The first parent home should start supper in time for it to be ready for the parent arriving later. The last parent home does the dishes.

Responsibility for the home while not working: The person home the most during the day maintains control of the children only until the returning parent gets home.

If your husband isn't willing to help out then he needs to go. He can find a temp job for the winter or find a new home to freeload in. Next year set aside a percentage of his paycheck to help with winter expenses.

Dear K.,
Your kids are definitely old enough to physically handle doing housework, but do they know what to do and how to do it? Does your husband know what needs to be done? The flylady (flylady.net) has some good lists you can print. Also, does your husband need a place to go? He might be depressed just from staying home and living in the circumstances you described. Maybe he can find a job search support group at a church. I think Asbury Methodist Church has one each week. If he is not interested in getting a job because he plans to get rehired for his old one, maybe a volunteer job a few hours a week would get him offline and out into some fresh air. The YMCA is letting guests visit for free until Christmas. Maybe the two of your could go get some exercise together and blow off some steam and stress. Good luck! Remember to take care of yourself!

K.,
First off, talk to your husband. The other women are right, he needs to pick up the slack. When I was married and living with my husband and two other guys it felt like I was a mom of 4. What I did was I made up a schedual for daily and weekly chores and who had to do what. Everytime that someone would skip a chore then they didn't get to eat whatever it was that I made for dinner...they had to make something themselves and clean up after the both of us. That worked for a while...but then it stopped working. If that doesn't work for you, because its not only your husband that is causing an issue here, then I would say for you to just disappear. Eat something at work or on the road for dinner, stop cooking for them. If the house gets dirty, stop yourself from cleaning it. Go out with a friend to a movie or something. Soon necessity will win out with them and someone will break down and have to clean something, and then they will see what all you put up with. Keep it going until you have "broken" each and every one of them. Every time that one tells you that they can't do it, just ask them why they think you can. Come up with an agreement with them as to what they need to do to help out, and then if the others don't follow suit with you, take whoever it is that is helping and start going out. I hope that this doesn't sound all that mean, but as you said, they are all old enough. They should all know better, and this is an extreme way of showing them that you are not a door mat.