Step-Parenting

Have you and your husband discussed what the rules for your daughter need to be? I think a lot can be solved by coming to an agreement on the rules and then sticking with them 100%. Then you and he can confidently stay on the same side, letting your daughter know that she can't play both sides just so she can get what she wants.

I've been in the same situation. My husband is my daughter's step father and they do get into arguments at times that have nothing to do with anything. Sometimes I've just yelled and demanded that they both stop immediately. We camp and the close quarters we're in when it's crummy out has lead to what I just described.

Most often I find it best to juts walk away and let them duke it out. Arguing can be healthy and some people just enjoy it. My dad and I argued all of the time - we were at opposite ends of the political aisle from the time I was 5. It drove my mom nuts, but he and I enjoyed our arguments even when they became a bit tense. As a result, I feel comfortable standing up for what I believe. I feel comfortable disagreeing with my friends, my husband, my family and being my own person.

So long as no one is storming out of the room, your daughter is getting to see that she can push a bit and argue a bit and that no one is going to walk away from her because of it.

I am not sure where you live but if you live in Omaha then I would STRONGLY encourage you to take a Blended Families class by Gary Lehmar at Family Resource Therapy ###-###-####). It really helped my husband and I understand what our appropriate roles were in trying to blend the family. I can tell you that your husband should not be discipling your daughter - that is her biological parents job. Your job as his wife is to listen to his frustrations and if they are reasonable - address them with your daughter. His job is to back you up. Obviously, if you are not home and she is doing something dangerous or annoying (TV too loud, etc) then he should set some parameters as any adult would do if a child's parent was not around. Also - your husband and daughter do not need to love each other - they just need to respect one another. No one loves a child unconditionally like a parent does and it is unfair to expect a spouse to do so knowing that they do not have the same history with your child as you do (not that you expect this of your spouse...I'm just making a statement based on my knowledge in this area). I have taken graduate coursework in this area, attended the Blended fAmilies class and sought therapy for these issues so I am really passing along what professionals in this area teach. I have read and heard that it takes a family between 4-9 years to blend. Many in society think that Blended Families should act just like nuclear families which is a myth passed along by the Brady Bunch. I would encourage you to seek advice and support from those individuals who do not assume that the two family structures operate the same. I wish you good luck!

You didn't mention how old your child is ... but it sometimes doesn't matter. Have you had a "family" talk? I mean really poor your heart out to both of them at the same time and let them know that you love both of them and it deeply hurts to see the 2 people you love most of all in the world go at each other like that.

Then try having a long talk with your husband privetly a day or 2 later after he has had time to really think about what you had said. After that, ask him to include your child in an activity without her along - whether it be go to the grocery store, or raking the yard. Does he attend the child's sport activities ... this will make your child see that he is really interested in her. Have him talk to your child without you present - have HIM ask your child what HE could do to win the child's trust. Tell him to let the child know that he doesn't want to replace their father - he will just be happy being the child's friend.

I am married for the 2nd time to a wonderful caring man - who has no children of his own. We got married when my youngest daughter was 14 ... the other 2 children already grown and children of their own. My new husband made sure he did things just for her - went to all her soccer games and played in the snow with her. They are quite close now (9 yrs later) and know that neither have to jockey for my attention or love.

Good luck!
D.

I married a man with 3 children, we then had more. Let me tell you...love you husband above your children and watch what happens.

If you show your husband value, he wont be looking for his place in your family through rigid rules with your daughter. Is your daughter a teen? My step-child almost lead us to court. She was constantly pitting us against each other. YOur husband may not feel respected or valued in your home. That is a big problem considering men desire respect. YOur daughter needs nurturing from you but don't let her fall into the victim mentality either.

Could you find something everyone has in common to do once a week?

Just a note from experience...let the adult continue to be the adult(your husband) and let your daughter be the child. Both are trying to find they're place in your family. Your daughter may not want to give up her position , the position your husband wants and that is a place of authority. Just something to think about.

my daughter was 5 when i started dating and 6 when i married her stepdad. she was a spoiled only child and grandchild. with it just the 2 of us for so long we could do what we wanted and when and always together. she was jealous of losing some of that time with just me until she figured out there is now an extra person to spoil her! it got to the point you're at with me having to referee all the time and i finally set them down for a family meeting. i set the record straight for both of them. she needed to realize that this was our family now and he needed to find middle ground between spoiling her and showing his authority. i let them both see how they were acting and how it was hurting me and themselves and each other. i let them ask questions and come up with some of their own suggestions to fix it. we've had a couple other family meetings since then but that 1st one really helped! good luck!

I am a stepparent and former teacher of family communication, and have one suggestion that I think is applicable to any family: Don't argue. This is easier said than done, but arguing is only possible if two people participate. That said, as the adult, your husband has the responsibility to refuse to argue. For example, if he tells your daughter to take out the garbage, that's all he needs to say. She can argue all she wants, but he doesn't need to say anything more. You and he can decide on penalties for disobeying, but arguing won't get you anywhere.

Hope this helps!

Well, as a grown up step-daughter here's my two cents.
Give your daughter lots of love. She's having a hard time suddenly sharing you. Try to outweigh the arguments with displays of love and respect for both her and your new husband.

Growing up my parents divorced when i was in first or second grade.. I always felt this was an improvement because this ended the constant fighting. But once my dad actually left, i was super protective of my mom. My hate for my stepfather stemmed from that.. After my dad she dated for awhile, i dont know how long.. Then one guy moved in with us for maybe a year.. Then he left too.. By the time she finally found my stepdad i was dead set on not letting any other man into my heart..

I dont know your situation.. But if depending on your history, if this is the case, you need to talk to her, and maybe seek counseling for her.. I was scarred by all the men in my life that were supposed to be my support leaving me and and my mom and watching how hurt she was... It took a lot of years before i realized that was what my problem was for so long. Into adulthood i never learned to trust guys... I always was waiting for the other shoe to drop.. I would push and push at people because i wanted to make sure they were going to stay before i considered giving them my heart. I still fight that fear..

There is a lot that goes on in little girl's heads that adults overlook, in my opinion.. She could be pushing to make sure he will stay, she could be jaded by your past relationships, she could be trying to protect you if she sees things in your relationship that she doesnt like... There are a multitude of reasons she could be fightin him.. What she needs from him is consistency, and level headedness. If she's pushing and arguing, he needs to be a solid wall. You need to talk with them both and set down ground rules that come from you not him so that when he enforces them she knows he's only doing what you want. I agree that, at least at first, you need to be doing the dicipline, not him. And if these 'family meetings' dont help. Try counseling.. She oviously is angry, and needs to be able to get past that before it scars her and changes her perminently.. And the same goes for him. He may not understand where she's coming from at all and just see this kid attacking him at every turn. He needs to know its not him she's fighting. It's the idea of him, and the idea that everything around her is changing.

Anyway, I've probably rambled on long enough... Your post just kinda touched on a soft spot for me... :)

I wish the best for you all!

Without more information it is really hard to advise you. However, I do think you need to ask your partner why he would engage in arguing with a child...adults arguing with children doesn't help anyone. It helps if the child knows what is expected of her, and the consequences for not following through with directions--or the rewards for following through with certain requests.

There is always a chance too that your husband and your daughter just have totally incompatible personalities and they need to work harder on their relationship than most parents and their kids. Good luck!

Hi M.,

That sounds like a newly remarried parent's worst nightmare! I haven't been in that situation so I'm not sure how to help. I do know that when MY mother got remarried when I was in my late teens, I didn't get along with the new husband very well. We didn't fight, but I avoided him at all costs. At the time, nothing would have helped me because I wasn't interested in improving things. It took a long time for that to change.

The best advice I can think of is to try and find a book by a reputable author on the topic and see what he/she says. Each person and situation is so personal, I think it would be best to read about various suggestions, or talk with someone who is trained in these situations.

Good luck!

Hi M.,

I have been with my husband 10 years and we met when my daughter was 1. They use to get along until she was like 6 or so, then they argue about everything. I think it's because my husband use to work 60-80 hours a week and was never home so they weren't able to develop a relationship. (our marriage almost ended because of his hectic work schedule)She's now 11 and they talk once in awhile but mostly argue. It use to bother me but lately I excepted the fact they are very different people and don't see eye to eye. I make sure my daughter respects my husband and try to be civil to each other. I am not sure how old your daughter is but I think she may be having a problem that you are now married and she's not the only one. Make sure you spend time with her alone and encourage your husband to keep trying and spend time with her when he can to get to know her better - hopefully they will become closer. Good luck!

As a Step-Mother all I can tell you is to support your husband when he disciplines. Remember that you can not let your daughter come between your marriage. She may try and if she isn't happy with your husband she will keep trying. Our sons have tried to make my husband make choices at times that result in a - me or them? He finally figured out that it wasn't fair to anyone and he explained to them, I am his wife, I am here to stay. I never forget that they have a mother, but I do always treat them like they are my very own, I love them like my own, but I discipline like my own and when people ask about my children I never refer to them as my step children, they are to me as equal as my biological daughter. I think in some ways this has helped, because now when we disagree I feel we all know this is typical in a family. Your husband and daughter will work it out, but make them deal with some things on their own, as if he was her father! Good Luck - your in a hard postion but don't ever let the child ruin your marriage - your husband will be with you when you are old and gray and hopefully enjoying your grandchildren!

I am both a stepdaughter and a stepmother. But I can't really give you advise w/out knowing what the problems are for your family. There are too many variations to give any real advise.

What are the ages of your children? Is your daughter the oldest or the youngest child? Is your husband being too harsh w/ your daughter? Is he being too lenient and not w/ the other child? Is she being mouthy and giving your husband a hard time? Or is she manipulating situations for him to come out on the bad side? Is she just plain defiant and refusing to do anything w/ the family at all?

I am more than glad to help but I need a better idea so I can help in an appropriate way. If you don't wish to say what's wrong on here, than my advise is find a counselor that specializes in blended families.

To the posting below from Jane, I believe it's impossible to love any spouse more than your children-and if you could, is that safe? While I'm madly in love with my husband, he and I both have a superior, unconditional love towards our daughter. But a step-father may not have that same intense love for your daughter as you do - although it may very well come with time. I think your love of your child should be the most important. A child needs that kind of nuturing,love to grow into independent adulthood. Look to why they argue and if your husband is provoking it. Remember, he's the adult and should be the bigger person, he's not the child still developing and in need of guidance.
Best of luck to you.

M., I am a mom, a step mom and a wife..(and no job comes above the other) I have 2 beautiful step daughters and it took me a while but I love them as much as my own...I have 2 kids and they have argued with my husband...((My son more then my daughter) Just play both sides of the fence listen to WHO is being fair and EXPLAIN why...It takes time...(ALOT of time) I have been with my husband for 6 1/2 years we have been married..(It took the kids the first 4 years to realize I'm not going any where and NEITHER is my husband) We have seen it played by my husbands daughters as well...(They think if they are cruel enough they can upset the spouce and get them to leave and get their parent back to themselves) Just assure them no one is going any where...(and they will warm up with time) Just try and get threw the challenging days

I need to know how old is your daughter.

I have dealt with a situation like yours. I had a daughter before I got married. I will share with you what I had to do when I hear from you.

Gosh M. ~ can we have more information? How old is your daughter? It's impossible to know how to help because girls are so different at different ages. I have been through this all the way through the teen years. Email me back if you want help - but I do need more information.