Stealing Friend

Call the mom and ask if the items may have mistakingly came home with her child. My daughter took something from one of her friends. She had told me the friend gave it to her... the friends mom called me. Her friend had just received it as a gift from her parents and did not give it to my daughter. It's OK to call. I am glad I got the call. We can't teach right and wrong if we, the parents, are afraid of confrontation and consequences.
KL

I had this exact thing happen a few weeks ago- I called the mom and she looked in his room and there was the toy in question- she discussed it with her son, then had him bring the toy back to my son and apologize. He was mortified and will probably never do it again!

I think that talking to the mom would be wise. I have had the same problem with my nieces and nephews. I dislike having to watch them everytime they come over. Should try to stop it now before it gets worse. I learned the hard way when PS2's and games were taken. I had to go to the place where my nephew sold them to other kids. I do not allow even my family into my home unsupervised unfortunatly. Good luck.

I worked as a store detective many years ago and I could not tell you how many kids I caught stealing. For boys, the age range for the second "sticky-fingered stage" is between seven and ten. For girls, it's about eleven to twelve. (The first stage is when they are very young - before they really understand the concept of personal property.) The best thing that can happen to one of these kids is that they get caught immediately . . . otherwise the behavior usually continues. Unfortunately, most kids get away with it because store detectives prefer to focus on adults (they steal more expensive property).

In my interview with the shoplifting kids I would catch, I would always ask them what they planned to tell their parents about the new stuff. (My mother would have been VERY suspicious if my sister and I had come home with things that she hadn't bought for us. I wanted to know what these kids were telling THEIR parents about this stuff, so I could let the parents know what the deal was.) The kids told me that either their parents wouldn't even notice the new items OR that they intended to tell their parents that their friend (and fellow co-shoplifter) gave them the stuff. (Most kids don't steal solo. Shoplifting is a buddy activity - which is why I'm worried about your son.)

My STRONG advice to you is to confront this head on. This little boy needs a dose of embarrassment NOW . . . or he's going to be dealing with the criminal justice system within about two years. If his parents are reasonable, go to his house with your son and politely and calmly ask for them back. Do NOT ask him if he has them. (You never want to use a yes or no type of question with a kid - you're just inviting them to lie to you. Just tell him that you need him to go and get the Pokeman card right now, please, because your son only wanted the friend to play with them - NOT keep them forever.) 90% of the time, the kid will run and get them. Then perhaps you should lay down the expectation that he is not to take anything from your home or your son that he did not bring UNLESS an adult gives him permission.

If the other parents are NOT reasonable, wait until the boy comes over to play the next time and then sit down with both boys. Very calmly explain to the boy that you and your son are very disappointed by the fact that he took some of your son's Pokemon card. (Don't ask him ANY questions. Resist your impulse to ask him IF he did it - you already know he did. Don't help this kid turn into a liar as well as a thief. Most especially, resist your impulse to ask him WHY he did it. Kids have little to no impulse control at this age. He took it because he wanted it in the moment and wasn't thinking about any future consequences.) Let him know that you care about him, and he is your son's best friend. Explain to him that he needs to return the cards immediately before he will be welcome in your home again. THEN, very calmly and very sadly explain that you expect that he will never again take anything from your home or anywhere else that does not belong to him; otherwise he and your son will not be allowed to play together anymore.

I know this sounds harsh. Especially for an eight year old, but his parents are dropping the ball on this sticky fingered stage. If YOU don't step in, this boy will continue to do this . . . and he will start doing this in stores, and he'll probably do this in front of your son (and perhaps even WITH your son at some point).

Hi S.,

This can be sad and frustrating, but exciting too. It is a fantastic time to teach your son that you will watch out for him and teach him the right things to do. I would bring it up to your son and make sure he understands the situation. Asking him if he gave the cards to his friend or knew they were missing. Tell HIM that it is not the right thing to do and explain what you are going to do to get the itm back. Then, out of respect for the friend's momor dad, ask them. Give them the opportunity to teach him right and wrong. Let your son know exactly what is going on. That way if it doesn't work out, you have an additional opportunity to teach your son the value in picking your friends, and earning trust.
My son went through this. He was the one that took the items. It was quickly resolved, I was able to use the time to teach him why it was wrong, and they are good friends today. 5 years later...they were 8.

A.

P.S. I don't think Shirley (last responder) gets the idea at all. And my final advice would be...don't listen to her. If it ever comes up for anyone again...ok, good night.

I always want to give the kid a chance to learn from his mistakes before he gets into trouble. I would call him and say, "Please return my son's cards by tomorrow so that I don't have to call your mother" and see what happens. His mother should know what's happening though, if this is an on going practice of his, this can be a big problem if it continues. When my son was 9, he was peer pressured into taking a candy bar. My husband took him back to the store and had him confess to the store owner. It was something my son never forgot. Tell him if this happens again, you will call his mother. This gives him a chance to make the right choices.

I would suggest doing as you did with the coin, simply ask for it back. Upon receiving the cards, give him a short but firm talk about what it means to be a friend, a person of character, and the value of earning what he desires. Also mention that the friendship will have to come to an end if this happens again. You will get another friend for you son, that should be the least of your concerns. Use this to teach your son, have him think about how horrid it feels to have something stole from him and how he would never want anyone else to feel the same way.
An apology in front of you and his mother would be great too.
I know it's not easy but you'll feel much better if you handle the situation throughly and your son will learn he can come to you for your help.

i am not in this situation yet i only have a 7 month old but my advice would be to discuss the situation with his mother bc a similar situation happened b4 but not acuse her son of any thing just yet. also if this kid is stealing then u might want to watch the influence he has on your son.

Hi S., I would talk to the boys mom.. just approach it lightly. Tell her that you dont know if her son actually took the cards (or whatever else may come up missing), but that you and your son noticed them missing after the last visit and you would like it if she could find out if maybe he accidentally walked out with them. Explain to her that your son really enjoys playing with her son and that you like having him over, but he is really upset about his missing stuff.. I think that if you are honest about it, that she shouldn't get too upset about it... and if she does, then maybe she has something to hide as well as her son..

I advise you to talk to his mom. Let her know you have no actual proof, but you're concerned because of the previous incident with the coin. The best thing is to be honest!
I disagree with you talking to the boy. I like to know what my children are doing especially if it may be hurting someone else or if they're doing something wrong. I think what you did with the coin was right, but now you are starting to see there may be a pattern. That requires discipline and discipline is a parent's job. I don't think the price to pay for stealing a pokemon card is a high one, but just let his mother take care of it how she would like to.

Hi S.,

It's sad that sometimes children don't understand that stealing may get them what they want not but how it affects the people that care for them. I would try and sit down with both of the boys and talk about how bad it feels when you worry about being able to trust someone you care about. I would not make any accusations without proof. What if the card was just misplaced? If things continue to come up missing, I'm sorry to say, but you may need to do a set up. If the boy is caught again, maybe you can take him aside privately and let him know you really love to have him over, but if this continues you will have to talk to his mom about it and that would make you really sad because he might get in trouble and not be able to come over anymore. What if you give both the boys some type of chore or something and reward both of them with something like the Pokemon card his friend wants?

I hope this helps.
J.

S.,

When my son was a little boy (he is 17 now)he took the exact same two items from his closest friend. A coveted Pokemon card and some silver dollars. . . He was and is a good boy, but made a couple of very bad choices. He received punishment at home and we made him take the items back and give them to the boy. He is still friends with this boy today.
My point I guess is that I don't think you should close the book on your son's friend. If you don't have proof it is not worth confronting anyone. Maybe you could catalog the cards somehow and identify it to the boy so he realizes you have tracking methods and will be discouraged against taking more.
With my own son I don't think he thought the consequences through or even that he was taking something from his friend. He wanted that card and he didn't have all the skills necessary at the time to realize what he was doing in taking it. If the mother of my son's friend had found out about it and acted on it, a friendship that has spanned 14 years and hopefully will go on for a lifetime may have been quashed.

this would be a great opportunity for your son to learn. First I would ask my son what does be think happens to his cards? (I not suggest or ask of he thinks his friend took them) Also, if its your suspicion, then the next time the child is over, kindly ask if the kid has seen what may have happened to the cards because you are looking for them. If your son thinks the kid may have them, I would talk with him and ask him what he thinks he should do? (sometimes kids will surprise ya or make ya laugh with their logic.) I would basically guide him toward learning how to handle this kind of thing in a positive way. If this sitution passes and the kid does this again then you have another learning point for your son in helping him to let go of negative friendships.

Hope this helps,
B.
mom of mason 9 & athen 4

Hi S.
First I would ask the boy to give them back AGAIN and then go talk with his mom. If no good out come after that, than the boy would not be allowed to come in my home. The fact the boys are getting along and is your sons only friend, that is no reason to open your home to some one that is a thief. I would also ask around to the boys other friends to see if there is anything missing. If this is a pattern than others should know to watch out for this theif.

Hi S., My suggestion is to talk to the boys parents. And approach the conversation light-hearted. All of my sons friends are my friends kids. So again< I think your approach is going to be the key. Goodluck!

I have had this happen to me before. I simply called the parent and said that my daughter is missing her toy that she loves. Would you check with your daughter and see if it accidently ended up in her bag. The mom didn't get offended or anything. Things happen all the time with kids. I know if a mom called me up with this request, whether I read between the lines or not, I would check with my kid and look thru his stuff to see if he had it.

You would want to catch this behavior at a young age and put a stop to it.

Good luck

My son is 8 but we haven't had something like this happen. I can tell you that my son does misplace things, so I would be sure that you son didn't just loose them somewhere.

Secondly, at 8 years old, kids should be able to talk with their friends about problems. If this had happened to my son, I would tell him that he needs to talk to his friend (not me) and then he can sort it out. If your son feels like his friend took them, then his son needs to tell his friend how he feels and what the consequences are if they aren't returned ie- won't be friends, can't come over to play, etc.

I think that automatically blaming the child, and you getting involved and talking to his mother will create heartache - over a couple of cards..... And I don't agree that if some kids steals a couple of pokemon cards that he will be in the system within a couple of years (like one of the responses said). That just isn't true. That is like saying everybody who tries drugs/alcohol are going to be addicts. Well, studies show that most children try it, but the ones that become addicted are the ones that have trouble at home.

good luck

S., since this isn't the first incident where something has come up missing I would strongly encourage you to speak with the childs parents. Don't be confrontational or accusational when you approach the issue. This is what I would say:

"My son is very upset because we haven't been able to find some of his Pokemon cards since the last playdate. I was wondering if maybe your son picked them up by accident when they were putting away their cards. They may have gotten mixed up in your sons cards."

This approach will not make it look like you are accusing her child of being a thief. It will also give the child the opportunity to do the right thing and give them back without burning any bridges with the kids' friendship. I hope this helps. IF the child denies it, then maybe you should mention to the parent that you have caught him with a coin that didn't belong to him before. Good luck!

Hi S.,
Without solid proof there's not a lot you CAN do. You don't want to make accusations, or you will set both mom and son into defense mode and you will get no where. Besides, if it turns out that he does not have the cards, you will have done great damage to your son's one friendship for no reason.

First, help your son scour his room - under the bed, in the closet, in the sock drawer, in his backpack, everywhere. Then, I would talk to both the mom and son together, mention that your son is missing some cards and ask if they will look through the other boy's cards to see if perhaps your son's cards got mixed up with them the last time they played.
It would be best if you could do this at the other boy's home, then your son could offer to help look.

If it turns out that the boy DID steal the cards, and since this is at least a second event, I would think twice about unsupervised play for a while. I also suggest getting your son involved with activities where he can meet more kids and maybe develop one or two other friendships.

I am a homeschooling SAHM of six, ages 9 - almost 21, married for almost 22 yrs

I would call the mom and say that your son is having trouble finding an item that his friend was admiring when he was over. Could she please talk to her son and see if maybe he knows where it was put. This lets the mom draw her own conclusions without you having to accuse him. In the future, have your son keep a closer eye on his friend or play at his house.

S.,
That's a hard one! I would go to the mom, but since you just had to ask him for the coin he took back you might try that. But I think you still need to tell the mom in a sincere way that you think her son has taken something of your sons. I alao have an 8 year old son, and if he was taking things from another boy I sure would want to know about it. Good luck! J.

S.,

I would definetly talk to his mother. Don't be confrontational, just say, Hey, I know Jimmy took a coin from my son previously. My son is missing some Pokemon cards, and the last time we saw them was when Jimmy was over. I don't know if he took them, but my son would really like them back.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I would suggest you rethink the whole Pokemon card thing... from your responce, you think pokemon cards are worth... something... and so does your son and his friend... (and the rest of the world)

If they are so precious, perhaps your 8 year old shouldnt be responsible for them. Your son proably thinks he is cool for having something the other boy doesnt, but it doesnt always work out that way, does it?

IMNOSHO, friends are more precious that pokemon cards, so drop it.

Hi. Ask him directly about it. You could phrase it in a way that doesn't place blame, but would allow him to come clean. You could also ask his Mom if it came home with him by mistake.
My feeling is that you don't want to rock the boat between them unnecessarily - but if he IS stealing that can't go on, either.

S., I ahve dealt with this situation way back when my daughter was little and I can say that in my experience it is better to have your son ask his friend about the card then you step in! He doesn't need to accuse the boy, just have him ask if he has seen the card. You don't want to accuse a innacent child and sometimes it is better to leave it up to the kids to work things out without parents getting involed. If this doesn't solve it and the card is still missing then, I would aks the boy before I ever got his Mom involed. Hope this helps DD

You may want to prepare your son for the apology and how he will accept it but let the other boy know that he hurt his feelings. Encourage your son to be honest about his feelings with this boy so that he is not only accepting the apology, but setting a boundary and repairing the friendship. It sounds like this boy needs some extra love and attention and he needs to get it for doing the right thing.

I suggest calling the mom and tell her that your son can't find the card and have her ask her son if he knows where it is or if it possibly got mixed up with his stuff. This way you are not accusing him. If he does have it I would talk to the boy the next time he is over. If he does it again then I would talk to his mom about him taking your sons things.

This is the time to model good conflict resolution for both children. You and your son should ask to speak to the other boy with his Mom present. Use only the part of the story you know--and leave the conversation up to the boys. Have your son tell the story to his friend, "we were looking at the Pokemon cards together and later I realized some were missing." Have your son state this and he can tell his friend exactly which ones are missing. Then he can ask his friend if he remembers what happened to the cards after they were looking at them. You or your son could politely inquire if there is any way the other boy may have acidently taken them home--did they get mixed up with his things or put in a pocket by mistake? The sooner you ask these things, the easier it is for this to have been a "mistake" instead of a crime. Really, this other little boy is still trying out this behavior. He wants to know which people he can steal from and which he can't. If the boys intend to still be friends, then your son needs to make it clear that he notices and is upset when things turn up missing after they play together.

The other mom shouldn't be too offended by your son presenting just the facts and asking if a mistake was made. Hopefully, she'll have the tact to follow up at home later with son.

My son is a pretty good kid, but sometimes he accuses others of taking things only to have them turn up in his room later. So keep in mind that all you know is that the cards were there, they looked at them together,and now some are gone.