Stealing and Lying

At 3 years old, she probably is only just understanding the concept of "stealing." If she's lying, it's not necessarily that she's lying because she knows it's wrong, but because it's clear that she's about to get in trouble. This age, they don't necessarily even lie, per se... they tell you what they wish had happened or how they perceive it. It's apparently not enough to sit and explain to her what stealing is and that it's wrong, or giving her a time out. I would suggest being very firm with her and telling her "What you did is called stealing. You have to give those things back to their owners. When you give Susan her game boy back, you will apologize. When we get home, you will not be allowed to have [whatever the favorite toy is] for 3 days." I think you need to make an impression on her that it's not only wrong, but if someone takes somethign that belongs to her, it wouldn't feel very good.

Remember too that at 3 yrs old, she's still learning to control her compulsions. It's very very difficult to maintain self-control over strong impulses and compulsions, even for some adults, so you might want to approach it that way too. It also couldn't hurt to consult with a child psychiatrist. I'm wondering if she's doing it for attention or as a way of getting out stress or something.

I can't help noticing that your profile says you have a 3 year old daugfhter and a 1 year old son. I know you can't be talking about a 3 yearold-is this a misprint? Any way assuming your daughter is 13 or older, I have a very close friend who went though this. I know she disciplined her daughter but the stealing comes from some where deep inside this girl. It is about thrills and not about having the things she took. I strongly suggest that you get counseling for your daughter and at no point because things have been quiet for a while, should you ever expect that she's stopped. This might just mean that she hasn't been caught. Your daughter has to get this off her chest in a "safe" environment and she needs to understand why she is doing this. My friends daughter is older now but this aspect of her personality has affected every aspect of her life-employment-relationships-everything. You are in no way to blame for her behavior, understand this. Also understand that she truly needs help.
T.

Teaching Your Child Right From Wrong
Ways to help her learn to be honest and more, even when you're not around
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By Margaret Renkl
A few years ago, my husband went to pick up our eldest child from a playdate at a neighbor's house. At 4, absentminded Sam had already lost a number of other kids' toys, so when he asked his dad if he could bring home an action figure, Haywood reminded him of our new no-borrowing rule. As he and Sam were leaving, though, Haywood heard the other child whisper, "Quick, put it in your pocket — your dad's not looking!" Sam did.

On the way home, Haywood casually asked about the playdate, but Sam was quiet, both fists jammed in his coat pockets, his shoulders hunched in misery. By the time they'd walked the two blocks to our house, Sam had started to cry. At the back door, he finally held up the contraband Power Ranger, openly weeping. "I'm sorry, Daddy," he choked. "I did the wrong thing."

This tearful confession presented a complicated dilemma for Haywood: Should Sam be punished for breaking a rule? Or praised for coming clean? Neither, say experts.

Discipline strategies like time-outs don't address the deeper questions of right and wrong that lie beneath our expectations for truthfulness and cooperation. But praising a child who knows he's done wrong and feels terrible about it sends a mixed message. A better route: Recognize the situation as a chance to have the kind of conversation that helps kids develop a conscience — and the strength to do the right thing on their own. (It turns out that Haywood did the right thing himself when he sat down on the back steps with Sam and said, "I'm glad you told me the truth, buddy, but what do you think you can do next time so this doesn't happen again?")

Preschool is the ideal time to start having these talks. While it's never too early to begin teaching concepts like honesty and respect, when toddlers are "good" it's because they prefer rewards to punishment, not because they can grasp why a behavior is wrong. When kids start testing rules and boundaries, and can understand why a certain misdeed is unacceptable, teachable moments abound. Some typical preschool transgressions, and how to make the best of them:

Telling a Whopper

Tim Guerrero, 4, and his 3-year-old sister, Emma, were playing nicely until Emma asked to borrow Tim's toy. When he refused, Emma snatched it out of his hand. Outraged, Tim slapped her in the face. When their mom, Millie, came in to ask what the fuss was about, Emma screamed, "Tim hit me!" The boy emphatically denied the accusation: "No, I didn't! I did not hit Emma!" But Guerrero, of Bayville, New Jersey, could plainly see a flaming-red, Tim-size handprint on her daughter's cheek.

Reality check: A bald-faced lie about a misdeed may add insult to injury, but there's no need for parents to go ballistic. The same lack of impulse control that leads a child to break a rule can also lead him, in the heat of the moment, to try to cover his tracks.

What to say: Avoid directly questioning a child's truthfulness ("Can you look me right in the eye and tell me you didn't do this?"); you'll likely cause him to dig himself an even deeper hole, says Michael Riera, Ph.D., coauthor of Right From Wrong: Instilling a Sense of Integrity in Your Child. Guerrero might have done well to say something like "I can see that you and Emma are both very upset. Is there anything you want to tell me?" If Tim had stuck to his story, she could have tried pushing a bit: "Are you sure? You look a little uncomfortable when you say that you didn't hit Emma. I know people make mistakes sometimes, especially when they're mad about something, but it's still important to tell the truth, even when you make a mistake."

What to do: Once she made sure that no one was seriously hurt, Guerrero could have sat down with Tim and asked him why he hit his sister and what he could have done instead, offering suggestions if he was having trouble. If Tim was truly sorry, then Guerrero might have helped him brainstorm ways to make Emma feel better (offering her a damp cloth to hold against her cheek, for instance). Then she could have reminded them both (no reason not to let Emma in on the lesson) why they need to be honest.

Saying Hurtful Things

Jacob and Henry Ives's Morrison, Colorado, living room was the epitome of calm as the two brothers sat side by side, building wooden-block towers. Then disaster struck: Just when 6-year-old Jacob's tower was getting really tall, Henry, 4, bumped into it and the elaborate skyscraper tumbled to the floor. Jacob started to cry. Henry was devastated. "I'm sorry, Jacob," he said over and over. "I'm sorry I knocked down your tower!" But Jacob was furious. "I'll never forgive you!" he blurted. Henry ran sobbing to their mom, Christine.

Reality check: Little kids have strong feelings and a weak vocabulary — their ability to express complicated emotions like frustration and anger is limited, so they often resort to name-calling or unkind words.

What to say: Ives could have helped Jacob develop a "feelings vocabulary" by naming the emotion that motivated him: "When you're angry, it's okay to say, 'I'm mad at you' or 'I'm really upset that you knocked down my building,' but it's not okay to say mean things. That kind of language makes Henry feel sad. Wouldn't it hurt your feelings if you made a mistake and you were sorry, but I told you I wouldn't accept your apology anyway?"

What to do: In this case, a breather from each other might have been effective — in large part to give Jacob a chance to cool down so that he could really hear what his mom was saying. But it's not a good idea to force kids to make an insincere apology; that only fuels their anger. "Instead of creating a battle of wills to get the big 'I'm sorry,' it's more meaningful to show empathy toward the child who was hurt," says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., director of family support services at Nova Southeastern University, in Fort Lauderdale. Ives might have said to Henry, "I'm so sorry Jacob hurt your feelings. I know you must be feeling really sad about that."

Breaking a Rule

My three boys are allowed to play pretty much anywhere they like in our house, except for the living room. Nevertheless, one day Joe, 4, and Henry, 6, wound up in there, joyfully ambushing each other from behind the curtains. Joe slipped and crashed into a table holding family photos and other memorabilia. He wasn't hurt, but several items smashed onto the hardwood floor, including a small ceramic sculpture made from a model of Henry's hand. Joe took one look at those pieces of clay scattered all over the floor, understood immediately that he'd ruined something irreplaceable, and burst into tears. Henry, brokenhearted over the destruction of his sculpture, also started to sob.

Reality check: Although Henry and Joe didn't mean to break a cherished memento, they were certainly breaking a family rule by horsing around in the living room. So I acted on my first impulse, which was to say, "No TV for either of you for a week!" But it would have been more effective if I had used this incident as a chance for my kids to think about the real reason behind our rule.

What to say: To Henry: "You must be sad that your sculpture is broken." To Joe: "I can see that you feel bad about ruining Henry's artwork." To both: "Why do you think you aren't allowed to play in the living room?" They ought to conclude (perhaps with my help), "Because there are things in here that might get hurt if we play near them."

What to do: In this case, Henry and Joe already felt horrible, so following through on my no-TV threat would have been pointless. I realized that what they both needed was a chance to put things right — neatly setting the fallen items back on the table, helping me glue the fingers back on the ceramic hand, and so on. This would do more to help them develop a conscience—and reinforce the value of this particular rule — than a time-out or the loss of a privilege. After all, the real goal of discipline isn't to punish. It's to help kids really want to do the right thing.

Contributing editor Margaret Renkl wrote "Stop Those Germs!" in the November issue.

Being the best role model
You're desperately trying to get through a stack of bills before the baby wakes up. When the phone rings, you call to your husband (who's playing with your 4-year-old), "If it's my mother, just tell her I'm out." Bad plan: "Children learn by example, and they're not able to tell the difference between so-called little white lies and more clear-cut dishonesty," says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., of Nova Southeastern University, in Fort Lauderdale. The good news is that you can use kids' copycat tendencies to reinforce integrity. Let your children see you wrestling with a dilemma, as Susan Hoskyns of Phoenix did three years ago. She'd taken her four kids, ages 3 through 12, to lunch before a play. Rushing out so as not to be late, she forgot to pay the check. They were a half hour away from the restaurant when she realized it. She pulled the car over and told the kids what had happened. Their responses ranged from "Wow, a free lunch!" to "Are they going to arrest us?" Finally, they agreed it was right to turn back and settle the bill. "We missed the show, but nobody forgot the lesson," says Hoskyns. "Even now I'll hear one of my kids say, 'We need to do the right thing — just like that lunch.'"
Off to the right start
Although it'll be some time before he can learn rules or grasp why a behavior's not desirable, it's not too early to start teaching a toddler right from wrong, says Barbara Polland, Ph.D., author of No Directions on the Package: Questions and Answers for Parents With Children From Birth to Age 12. Between 1 and 2, kids begin to defy their parents: You say, "No, no, not for Owen," but Owen reaches for the sewing scissors anyway — with his eyes locked right on yours to see how you'll react. "The first time a baby deliberately disobeys, many parents are so surprised that they laugh out loud," says Polland. "But that's likely to encourage the very behavior you're trying to correct." Instead, repeat the rule and explain it simply in a firm voice ("Scissors are sharp; they can hurt little boys"). Then remove them. He won't get it, but you'll reinforce the idea that there are reasons for your expectations.

Parenting, February 2004

N.,
I don't have a lot of experience with this as a chronic problem, but my son did steal a few times when he was little. Your dd is 3- if you ask her if she stole something and she says no, she may not be lying- she may not realize what stealing actually is at all. Have you heard of "The Toddler's Creed"? It goes a bit like this- If I have it, it's mine. If I had it, it's mine. If I want to have it, it's mine. If you have it, it's mine. If it's near me, it's mine. etc, etc...I would go through her bag each day at pickup, and let her know if there's something that's not hers in it- "This isn't ours, it needs to stay here at school." Stay calm and matter-of-fact about it. Using time-out may not be working for a couple of reasons- she's still pretty young to be able to connect why she's there, and you aren't able to use it immediately after the infraction. You have to drive home from the sitter's, and by the time you get there, it's a while after the incident. By always going through her bag right there, taking out what's not hers, and then even having her return it to the sitter with an apology herself, or returning it to the shelf, teaches her to know the difference between what is hers and what is not, and that it's not ok to take it home.
Another thought- you're single. What about dad, and dad's house? I would wonder if there's a connection between time with dad, and a stealing episode after? This would concern me in that maybe there's some needs not being met at dad's.
But at 3, it's still fairly common to not understand truly what makes something your own and why you can't have it all!

OH MY...YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE...MY 7 YEAR OLD SON WENT THREW THE SAME THING HE STOLE THEN LIED ABOUT IT..HE NEVER STOLE FROM A STROE HE WAS GOING TO TAKE M&M'S ONCE AND I SEEN HIM FIRST AND TOLD HIM HE WOULD SET THE BEEPER AT THE DOOR OFF...BUT HE DID STEAL FROM SCHOOL HE TOOK A PORTABLE CD PLAYER FROM A FRIEND OF HIS THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW FOR ME...i WAITED FOR MY HUSBAND TO GET HOME(BTW THE WHOLE TIME WE ALWAYS TALKED TO HIM ABOUT GOING TO JAIL FOR STEALING OR BOOT CAMP)...WELL I CALLED OUR LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT AND ASK THEM THEIR ADVISE I TOLD THEM HE GETS EVERYTHING HE WANTS HE HAS NO REASON TO STEAL AND THE OFFICER TOLD ME THAT IT IS NOT ABOUT THE THING THEY STEAL IT IS THE THRILL...WELL HE ALSO TOLD ME OT BRING MY SON DOWN TO TH STATION AND THEY WOYULD TALK TO HIM SO WE LOADED HIM IN THE CAR IT WAS OS HARD HE CRIED AND CRIED ALL THE WAY THERE BUT I STAYED STRONG WE WALKED THEY WERE WAITING FOR US AND THEY TALKED STERN TO HIM AND EVEN SHOWED HIM THE CELL WELL IT WORKED HE HAS NEVER STOLE AGAIN ,..............MY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO CALL YOUR LOCAL PD AND SEE IF THEY WILL HELP YOU OUT....

GOOD LUCK
A.

I can understand your concern...it's one thing for a 3 y.o. to covet a game or toy and take it. Your child is doing something different -- she's taking objects almost for the sake of taking them regardless of their value to her.

I am a first-time mommy so my advice should be taken with a grain of salt, but I would probably run this one past my pediatrician. Even at her young age, I would think it might help to get out of her what the motive is for stealing. I did a quick google search on "kleptomania in children" and got a number of results that might interest you. Give it a shot.

I wouldn't worry SO much about the lying aspect...though if you do call your ped. you might want to mention it so you're giving the whole story. I think all kids lie initially because it's a way to get what they want...and preschoolers are still pretty self-serving before their conscience fully develops.

Good luck...it is most likely a phase but with proper advice you may be able to speed up your daughters exit from the phase :-)

You may want to have a policeman talk to her. I know it may sound a little harsh but it can be done in a way that is appropriate for a 3 year old. Do you have a family friend and a tour of that station may help.

Have you tried making her "embarassed" for what she did? I don't know if that's the right word to use but anyway.... Make her take the objects back, and hand them back to the person she took them from, and apologize. Don't have her just put them back where they belong, but give them back the person in their hands and say she's sorry. After that get down to her level, look her in the eyes and tell her "We don't steal. That's not nice. How would you like if someone took your favorite dolly/toy." You can even tell her that if this continues you will start taking those toys away as well.

You may try this: Each time she comes home with something that does not belong to her, find out where/who it came from. Then make your daughter return the item to the person, have her hand it to them and tell them that she took this, and will not do it again. The intention is not to humiliate her, only to teach that if she steals, it effects others and more importantly, to take responsibility for it. The lying is tough, becuase they just deny, deny, deny. I chose a concequence that meant as much to my son, as the lying did to me. I did not allow him to play outside with his friends for a week. Home, book reading, quiet games only. It killed him. Granted my son was 4 when all this took place, but having to return the stuff (to his teacher)made a heck of an impact on him. The teacher told him she was dissapointed and how sad it was that her classroom things were missing, and hearing that from his teacher did more than my reasoning or yelling could ever do! Good luck!!

Hello N.,

I personally have never gone through this with my kids, but I had a friend in H.S. who was a kleptomaniac (SP?). It was a very serious problem and one that you want to stop.
Your daughter is so young that she does not understand how this hurts people. She probably just sees what she wants and takes it.
Time out is probably not enough of a deterent. I think I would embarras her by making her return the items to the people herself and apologize for taking them. Then, I would take something special away from her for a day. I really do not have an answer, but good luck and I am sure she will grow out of this with your love and support.

Take Care,
A.

THIS SEEMS A LITTLE ODD FOR A CHILD SO YOUNG SO MAYBE YOU CAN TRY TAKING SOME THINGS SHE REALLY LIKES AND DEMONSTRATE TO HER THAT, THAT IS STEALING AND IF SHE DOES NOT LIKE IT OTHER PEOPL DO NOT EITHER, MY OTHER IDEA IS TO ARREST HER OR TAKE HER TO A JAIL AND TRY TO EXPRESS TO HER THAT THIS IS WHERE PEOPL GO WHO STEAL, N=BUT IM NOT SURE SHE ISVOLD ENOUGH TO THAT SERIOUS TYPE OF LESSON. GOOD LUCK

I have a 3-year old daughter, too. She used to take things that aren't hers from home and daycare, but I never considered her as having a stealing problem. She just likes to have lots of purses and put things in them, which drives me nuts when I can't find things later. But what I attributed it to was when we go to the grocery store and I just take things off the shelf and put them in the carriage. She knows I'm going to pay for them and understands that, but I always thought her behavior at home and school was her way of immitating me shopping. Just something to consider, I guess. Anyway, she outgrew it. I don't think I even had to do anything other than explain that she can't take things that aren't hers and she also saw me freak out when I couldn't find stuff at home. Just keep up what you're doing - hopefully it will sink in soon.

bring her back to wherever she got and apoligize...have her say sorry

Hi N.,
As a mother of seven I can tell you that I think I have been through alot if not most of these phases. Your daughter I suspect is acting out. Does she see her father? Is or was this a friendly breakup? You are not doing anything wrong. Niether is she in a sense. My now ( and a half year old daughter went through that phase. It took persistence and patience to get through it. Keep doing what you are doing and I'll bet in a short while she will stop. Also, try this. If it is attention that she is trying to get, then redirect her acting out. Help her find a hobby for her age. Spend more time, I know is not always easy, but it will help. Best of luck to you.

Time out is not an appropriate punishment for stealing. Time out should be used to difuse a situation that is getting out of control as it is happening, not after it has happened.

Your daughter is only 3 years old. She is not old enough to really understand the concept of what stealing is. I would recommend going to the library and looking for a book aimed at preschoolers that discusses what stealing/lying is and why it isn't a good thing. She is still really too young to discuss why she does it and how she thinks the other person may feel about it. At three years old they're all about "me" and learning how to take control of things around them.

When I was about 5 or 6 years old I stole a pack of gum from a store because my mother wouldn't buy it for me. My mother made me take it back into the store and apologize for stealing it. I don't remember if she made me pay for it or not. I do remember, however, how embarassing it was to have to take it back in and return it. I never stole another thing as a kid. Perhaps having *her* return the stuff she has taken will be all the punishment that is needed.

Good luck!