Son's Best Friend Around Too Much and Sabotaging My Son's Other Friendships!

Time to get your son into some other activities so he has not much time for this friend.
Sign him up for taekwondo or archery or anything.
Start cutting back on when Denny can come over (or your son goes to see him).
Anytime Denny mocks you and/or your rules - he can leave - immediately - and then he can stay away for a day or so.
I would have established that years ago.
It's too bad the kid doesn't have much structure in his life but that doesn't mean he can bring anarchy into your household.
If he wants to be at your place he needs to learn to have some respect.

"B" and "OnePerfectOne" gave great advice. As kids get older, you start to see the personalities come out. As toddlers everything pretty much fits. You hope it stays that way as they age, but that isn't always the case. A good ole fashioned distancing is in order here. If a friedship doesn't match your values then it's time to pull away. Be firm with Denny, and let him know that his behavior is not acceptable in your household. If he cannot abide by the rules then he does not need to be around - point blank. In the meantime, busy your child with productive things and positive people. Set up play dates at his friends houses and yours too. Don't let Denny rule your roost. He sounds like a bully. His parents are obviously not around, and he is upset, but at the same time you can't let that affect your household. When Denny is rude to your son's other friends send him home ASAP. No questions asked.

Sounds like your son isn't sticking up for his other friends when Denny is arguing with them or something
I think it's a good time to teach him to SPEAK up when the other kid causes trouble or calls your son names.
Keeping him busy might help, but it's just a band aid.
Good luck!

Yes, encourage your son, but if Denny is your son's bf, he might not take to the other kids the same way. One of my sons typically only had one bff.

But here's the thing -- When Denny makes comments like that, he is mocking YOU. If some bratty 12 year old made statements like that when I was talking to my son there would be hell to pay. You need to read Denny the riot act, the next time he's disrespectful.

If his parents are partying, someone needs to parent Denny. It's not his fault he has absentee parents. Step up to the plate, and stop letting Denny get away with this stuff.

I guess I don't understand. WHY do you put up with this? If this kid talked like that to mine, I'd be all over this kid's butt. "Why are you talking like this to me and my kid? Who do you think you are? Go home and don't come back until you can treat me and my son with respect!"

The kid is 12. Not 5. Why would you let him act this way?

Your son must be cursing in front of him to impress him. I'd be all over my son too if he had done that at 12. Time to give both of them a consequence for such crappy behavior. No more playing with this kid. And yes, get your son out of the house in afterschool activities that have nothing to do with the neighbor kid.

you don't have to permit rude behavior. if denny is mouthy to you, send him home. the lack of rules in his family doesn't have to affect yours.
i myself would not be micromanaging my kids' friendships. if your son wants other friends, you can help him by discussing coping techniques for denny, and for making new friends, but he should be seeking them out because he wants them, not because YOU want him to 'see that other kids have rules too.'
when denny's in your house HE has rules.
i think it's more important to get a handle on your relationship with denny than to try and craft other relationships for your son. sounds like you both are being way too passive.
khairete
S.

You are on the right track: Get your son into activities. Do it now. At the age of 12, kids usually have activities and schoolwork enough that the "hang out in the neighborhood" stuff is largely ending or just for weekends, at least around here. If your son has lots of after-school and weekend time that he's just hanging with Denny -- your son needs more to do, and not just because of Denny. Your son needs activities to meet other kids and develop his interests.

Boy Scouting can be terrific for this and if your son has not done it already, it's not too late -- in fact tween and teen Boy and Girl Scouts do a TON of very cool stuff. Be sure to shop around for troops because some are very active with a lot going on and others are less active. Find the right level of activity for your son. Sports can help, but be sure to involve your son in a choice and ask if it's really sports he wants to do or something else- is he artistic? Likes science so maybe a science club after school? If he's in middle school there is a LOT going on after school at most middle school re: clubs, classes, activities. Also check out offerings from your city or county parks and recreation department and YMCA and church groups (if that's your thing). Do not limit your offer to "Boy Scouts or basketball only" though both are fine -- give Adam the power to choose but ensure he does indeed choose.

And don't ever say, "This is to keep you busy and away from Denny." That makes his old buddy forbidden fruit and he might end up defending Denny to you. Denny will seem more attractive if you flat-out say you want Adam to stay away from him, but Adam may actually be grateful if you push the idea of activities.

Meanwhile, time to start (1) correcting Denny when he disses your rules (another mom posted about that- Denny is mouthing at you, not just at your son, so don't tolerate it and send him home when he does it) and (2) being Too Busy whenever Denny comes over. Being Too Busy will mean you don't have to do (1) very much.

Denny has done this for so long that he simply assumes your son is there to be his buddy on demand. Your son should have enough activities and homework that "come out and play" is no longer an option and you turn Denny away at the door even if Adam is at home.

If your son is just starting middle school you should find VERY quickly that he has enough homework and projects that he will soon not have much time for this boy. School helps these problems take care of themselves after a while. But meanwhile, be proactive and get your son some activities -- and not just because of Denny.

Also, don't think so much in terms of "he needs to meet new kids in the neighborhood." The neighborhood should not be your son's main focus for friendships. At his age, school friends and friends from activities should be the focus because kids need friends who share common interests - not just common addresses.

Time to STOP being a doormat.
Your son, and you.
Meaning, you don't HAVE to let Denny in your house.
You don't have to let Denny act like a brat.
I would have, told him off. In a VERY STERN "Mommy" tone of voice, in a very commanding tone of voice, by now.
And if he laughed in my face. I would have said "Oh goody, you gave me just the reason, that you will not be welcome here anymore." And shut the door.

Your son, needs to learn how not to be a door-mat.
Can't he speak up?
And you are wanting your son to have other friends in the neighborhood.
But, doesn't he have friends... from SCHOOL?
Why only rely on "neighborhood" friends to be his company?
Maybe there is no viable or good/nice kids in the neighborhood, then what? You still want your son to have neighbor kids as friends and to rekindle neighborhood friendships?

Doesn't your son have school friends...that he can invite over?????
And, your son can join other activities.
It does not have to be basketball or Boy Scouts.
What does HE, like?
What are HIS interests or talents?
Get your son involved in other things, besides the neighbor kids that are obviously not, his friend.
At all.

And, when Denny interferes in your son's life.... and anytime your son seems to make new friends... then DO NOT let Denny in your house. I mean, Denny can only "make sure they go away either by arguing with them..." if DENNY IS IN YOUR HOUSE, too.
So don't let him in. Say you are busy, that you have guests in the home, and that he has to go back home.

Why, is Denny allowed to interfere, in your and your son's life?
Denny treats you all like a doormat.

Denny, is controlling your son and you.
Everything revolves, around Denny.
Why?

It does not matter, that they knew each other since they were 4.
C'mon. That doesn't mean they HAVE to be friends and be joined at the hip.
Denny is obviously, NOT a friend.
NO one, has.to.be. friends, when the other is mistreating you.
And, a person needs to realize, when they have OUTgrown... a friend.
And just move on.

Be careful about how you push Denny out of your son's life. They are entering their teen years. They will run into each other at the skating rink, at rival school games, etc. If you make it bad, Denny will take it out on your son. Either, invite Denny in so that he can see how a really structured family operates or look really hurt when he knocks and say, "Ooh I am so sorry, my son is doing homework, asleep, grounded, etc.". Good luck

He sounds like a bully to you and your son. It's simple: if he doesn't like the rules your son has, which are laid down by you -his parents- then he is welcome to find some new friends whose parents are as laidback and permissive as his parents are. If he wants to play with Adam, he needs to understand Adam has rules to follow and if he doesn't like them, he is welcome to play alone or find new friends. Try the Y, a teen recreation club, or Big Brothers. They're all into keeping kids safe and not running with the wrong crowds, Adam and Denny could attend, meet new kids and learn to have fun without turning into disobedient, rebellious kids. This is a critical age in which kids can turn into your worst nightmare or be good kids. This is when they need to learn trust and respect towards their parents. The longer you allow Denny to mouth off, the more Adam will realize you're not worthy of respect, because Denny is disrespecting you and your household and you're not putting a stop to it.

So Denny's got jokes. Okay. You say Denny is "usually nice and polite"? Hmm, I'm going to disagree on that. No little boy should EVER speak in front of you or to you in the tone you describe. Denny sounds like bad news.

Definitely encourage your son to make other friends. Before Denny becomes the teen version of Denny...which might include, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, etc.

This is hard because your son seems to be choosing to spend time with this kid. Of course you can say no when he wants to invite him over but I assume your son goes out and plays with everyone, including him, right?
I guess all you can do is control what goes on in your own home and keep encouraging your son to think about what it means to be a good friend and to keep reaching out to others. When he calls your son "baby" I would talk to him (your son) about it, ask him how that makes him feel and if this is really the kind of person he wants to be around.