So Sick of My Girls Fighting! at the End of My Rope!

When my kids would fight, I would make them both sit on opposite ends of the couch.Hands at their sides, feet & eyes front, no talking or looking at each other. It didn't take long before they couldn't keep from giggling & trying not to get caught. It brought them a bit closer for a few minutes.
As to stopping it permanently, forget it. That's what most siblings do. Punishment might slow them down some, but that's as good as it gets.

In my house hold i use to may my kids hug until they got tired.... everytime they fought.... i did this for a long time ... now as grown teenagers they are so close that if you new them as kids you would never think of it.... and they used to ahve to do it quite often at the beginning but after a couple of months they learned that it was be nice or hug.... and refused to be hugging... now they love to hug eachother too....good luck and let us know how it works out for you....

For your sanity, start taking magnesium. It will help.

Get them on it too. Low magnesium causes increased adrenaline which irritates the nervous system. Irritability, and aggitation result.

Lower their milk products which have added vit D which TOTALLY causes magnesium deficiency. ( I use watered down cream, which has no vit D in it, for our milk) If you have them on any supplements that have vit D or calcium, stop them. Only do the magnesium. Increase daily water by two cups.
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Replentishing magnesium levels can take a month or more, but you should start seeing some result within the week. You'll see.

Try the book: Siblings Without Rivalry

Siblings are going to fight. What they need to learn is how to fight fair.

I don't allow loud fights in the house. If two kis are having problems with each other, they are sent outside. They are not allowed inside until they are both happy. They must stay in the designated area (our front porch). Nothing physical (hitting, punching, etc). And no name calling. When we started this I had to referee the first few altercations until they learned the rules.

Tattling is a different issue. This is my sister's genius idea. No tattling allowed until "Tattle Time", then they can tell you whatever they want. Anything. Everything. You promise to be available at a certain time each day to just listen to complaints. Our tattle time is at dinner. That seems just about the only time I can sit and give them my undivided attention. It is a real sanity saver.

Only separation until they can't take it anymore. My sisters and I fought constantly! We used to fight so much someone was always hurt. Never any broken bones, but my mom used to say one of us was going to end up killing the other. We are all still alive, but we really went at it. I kind of feel bad for my mother now, but we all survived.

can you maybe introduce them to a new activity that they can learn together? give them plenty of alone time when you can, like one parent takes the older one out for a mini date on the weekend while the other parent takes the younger one and switch kids every weekend.

this way they get some alone parent time as well as an introduction to something new and exciting for them to share together.

also, encourage them to help each other. make cookies and have one sister surprise the other with one when she gets home from school and the other can help make the little ones bed and vice versa, so they can learn to appreciate and serve each other.

any ways, just some ideas.

it;'s the age difference. my 5 years old don't get along most of the time. my only way is to make them go to separate rooms. then they miss each other, and go apologize and hug each other. on the other hand, my sister and i, 4 years apart, had a tough time getting along. we were in our twenties when we finally did. my mom's way, growing up, was to make us spend time with one another, even as teens, we were not allowed to go out with our friends without the other one in tow. i don't recommend that. just added to the frustration.

HI N.,

OK, so I'm worlds late in responding to your post; Get the book Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It puts things in perspective, and really helps us sort out how to help the kids solve their own problems with each other.

I also really like the Positive Discipline series by Jane Nelson. Again, it really helps us to empower our kids to solve their own problems, and teach them life skills.

Best of luck -- a constant state of war is no fun for anyone! :-)
C.

I actually taped a timeout and a fight and sent it to my husband in the Gulf year ago. We look back at it now and laugh, at the time the two trouble makers were 10 and 4.
I have a back porch and a front porch. Out they go. If it's all three at once one gets the garage, and the oldest at home is 14 now. They don't get as many minutes as age any more, they sit unitl they can be civil to each other. If they come in and have an attitude or start sniiping, out they go again. And I do put them out in the rain and snow. Attitudes change alot faster in inclement weather.

my mom had a timeout area in the whole house and if we got in trouble she would send us there. my sister in law has a timeout chair for her kids and it works and when they walk by the chair they freak out. i would pick a place in ur house and make ur timeout area so everytime they get in trouble just tell them to go there and make time limit to sit in there or take what they love the most way from them a week. thats what i would try to do take there stuff away and sometimes it work.

Oh dear. I've lived this one. The only thing that stopped me and my sister from fighting was growing up and moving to different states. I have Virginia. She has Connecticut

Love and Logic!!! www.loveandlogic.com Oh PLEASE look this up, it is amazing! I have been useing this for about a week, and already my step-son and son are getting along better, I haven't had to shout in a whole week! In fact my 6 y.o VACCUMED my living room 2 days ago (*angels singing*) It is the BEST solution we have come across, and the best part is that the kids learn to be accountable for thier own actions, think things through, and the talks you listen to by the founders of Love and Logic are FUNNY! It's not your boring parent handbook , or you don't feel inferior to british super nannies, it's not a dull speaker on a podium taht makes you fell like your a horrid parents or gives you impossible techiniques, this is easy to remember stuff, real life situations. It's enjoyable to learn and I really hope you give it a try!

I like what marggie m had to say. i would suggest you set ground roles of what is and isn't allowed. eg: Quiet arguing or discussion (in kind words) is ok but once there is yelling or screaming that is not allowed. Anytime ANY kind of fight breaks out they each go to their rooms. if they are fighting over an object that goes away and doesn't come back till tomorrow. doesn't matter whose fault it is. They can come out when they are calm and happy. (we use the term happy heart in our house). If a fight breaks out again back they go to their rooms. I think this teaches them how to learn to control their own emotions. You may see your children putting themselves in their rooms to calm down! I would tell them constantly that sisters are the greatest gift you can have and that we treat each other kindly in this house.

I haven't read the love and logic book other people have recommended but i have heard good things about the love and logic books.

I agree with the age difference, but I also believe it could be their individual ages causing such a rebellion. Your 6 yr old is close to what I refer to as "the perfect age". At around 7, kids can be reasoned with, they know right from wrong and they have a strong desire to please people. At age 3, your other child is trying to find boundaries by pushing against every one, including her sister. She's also testing you to see how far she can go until you flip your lid, and let me guess...you try to get older sister to "make nice" because she is more reasonable, right? Add on top of that the fact they are both probably a little tired and grouchy when you all get home in the afternoons and you have the perfect ingredients for a meltdown, completely 100% at nobodies fault.
You need to set clear rules for them, no hitting, biting, etc. And I would suggest a small amt of time (20 mins or so) when you first get home for them to each go to a separate room, have a snack, enjoy some decompressing doing whatever relaxes each one, then you can allow them to engage with each other. If the battles begin in the car you need to set strict rules there, such as, if you are screaming and grabbing and hitting in the car, I will pull over and we will not move until you can control yourselves. If your 3 yr old LOVES a certain cd or insists on something being turned on for entertainment and the 6 yr old absolutely cannot stand it one more time, invest in headphones or ipod shuffles or something to just break up however the spat begins, but do not allow them to put yourselves or other cars in danger because you are trying to break up an arguement.

The good news is this, they WILL grow out of it! I remember when mine were about this age and they would argue over music in the car, the minute they started bickering I would flip it to Dr. Laura!! They knew right away they were stuck listening to a talk show and it was all their fault, cured it pretty fast :)

Good luck, believe it or not, they will be best friends one day!

Just tell them to stay away from each other. That is what my mom did with us and it was fine.

Being the oldest she also told me I should know better and to ignore my sister, if she was trying to start something. My sister always wanted to hang out with me and that is what the problem was. I am 5 years older and I was doing my own thing most of the time.

Try to have a few hours a week where the entire family does something together. But for now, tell them to give each other a break till they can learn to get along.

A 3 year old and 6 year old do not usually have a lot in common even if they are sisters.

Love and Logic has a DVD on Sibling Rivalry. I was surprised that they were stating that the root cause of it is a question of who the authority in the home is. Sometimes the older sibling is given too much 'power' and this creates an environment where the children are 'positioning' themselves in the family. I was not sure about this but the more I look at the flow of our home, I think I did get too relaxed and allow that to be the case. Now that I have made a point to make sure even when they do fight that I am being the authority in the home (not in a drill sergeant way) and that the girls are allowed to just answer to me and not to one another. I am sure I am NOT answering this too well, but I do recommend the video. For one it reviews the BIG Love and Logic concepts as it goes through this topic.

Right now, I do have them go to their rooms if we do have an issue. I won't allow them to do anything to each other that I would not allow them to do to a neighbor friend....we do not have a lot of fighting right now and they are 4 and 5; not sure if that is due to me making sure I don't allow the 5 year old to be an authority over the 4 year old or what but it has definitely gotten better since watching the video---it started with ME.

My boys were 3 years apart and were just starting to get into the bickering/fighting stage when my older son unexpectedly passed away from a virus that settled in his liver, causing it to completely shut down. This was 4.5 years ago and he was only 8 years old. The full story is at www.jfcfoundation.org

So, no advice for what to do about the bickering, just a prayer that you would gather those little girls in your arms and count your blessings. Our house is entirely too quiet now. I would give anything to hear some sibling rivalry. Yes, it would drive me crazy but at the same time it would be music to my ears.

Actually, I do also have some advice for the bickering...check out www.loveandlogic.com. They have really good parenting advice presented in a humorous way.

Good luck to you!

M.