Small Issue That Is Bugging Me About My Step-kids Mom.

I am a child of divorce. I mean this to be funny so please don't read this with anything other than a laugh, but, if THAT is the ONLY problem you have with the mom you are so lucky. ;) I had this happen with my mom and my dad's girlfriend. I was 5 and I could tell my mom was super jealous that I liked the girlfriend. Please don't make it an issue. Blow it off, no matter what anybody says about their ex, they once were in love with them and will always have issues with their new mate. She probably feels a bit jealous that the kids like you. So, take it as a backwards compliment.
What is the nickname????

it's a silly thing for her to make an issue out of, but on the other hand, it could be so very much worse. take the high road on this one. if the kids ask you, you can always tell them to call you whatever they prefer, but i think you are wise not to escalate this.
khairete
S.

I'd be bugged too, but with the mom not the kids. Please blow it off. Gripe to us at mampedia or your friends, but don't let the kids get wind of this. It certainly isn't worth addressing with them or their Mom. They are stuck in the middle and doing the best they can. If a gap has been created over this then it is up to you to close it up by getting past this. Don't put those kids in the middle.

R. is a very pretty name!

What's the "nickname"?

In addition, you met your boyfriend at 21, his son was 9 his daughter 3. Was he still married, going through a divorce or custody issues? Since his former wife has never been rude to you, I would let this one work itself out in time. Should you marry and become the children's step-mother, being called by your first name would not be a tragedy.

Bottom line, pick you battles....bigger ones could be down the lane.

Blessings.....

if you want to come out as the bigger person in all this, i'd say to the kids,

"you know what, that's your mom and you should always respect your mother. When you are old enough to earn your own keep and make your own decisions, I hope you'll call me <nickname> again because I feel that the people I am most closest to are the ones I let call me that. And I love you both very much, and I hope you guys will always feel the same way."

And just leave it at that. At least the kids know that you love them. Don't let what the mom said and what name your step-kids call you, prevent you from feeling close to them. I think by just putting it out there for the kids to know..they will call you by that name again when they are adults.

Also, i'd like to say that i understand why the name is important to you...sometimes a nickname isn't just a name but it has a special connection/history to it. So, my guess is that only those who call you by that name..hold a special place in your heart.

take care.

I would bet they feel no differently towards you at all. If you feel like you have a good relationship with them, I'm sure you do! They are just trying to do what their mom asks and not get in the middle, which I'm sure they already feel like they are. I would probably feel hurt, as you do, but rationally, you have to realize that it's probably really hard for them and move past it. Keep being a positive influence and making them feel special and things will keep on keepin' on!

i guess i think, how you treat them is more important than what they call you. Just my opinion and it's probably not going ot be popular, but their bio mom is First, even if she isn't perfect, and you are not, you can be a great -daddy's girl friend, but you don't need to be their buddy or their mom. So just go with the flow and let them call you by your given name until they are adults and can call you what ever They would like, Truly bio mom just might be jealous but making an issue out of it will probably make things worse.
I"m curious about the nickname too.

Have you considered that she may be trying to help you and has the kids best interests in mind? She's not the type to be rude for no reason, right? SHe has a problem with the age and with the name. Why? She said the problem with the name was because it was a childish name. It's a beloved childhood nickname that people from your childhood still call you. But, you wouldn't ask your new office mates at work to call you Re-Re if you wanted respect and to move up in the company. The age differance mixed with the nickname may weaken your authority with the kids. The tendancy may be toward seeing you as a peer, not an authority figure. She didn't ask them not to call you that in the beginning, but you have become a more permanent fixture in thier lives. She probably doesn't want them to see you as a buddy, but as a grown up, since you claim them as step kids. If the special bond you miss is being cool with them, you need to let that go. You can't be dads cool girlfriend anymore. You're the step mom. That has it's own joys and pitfalls.

lol, what is your nickname? that might make a difference in the answers you receive.

I don't think it is a big deal. How does it matter which name they are calling you as long as it is your name.

Tell your kids that you are comfortable with them calling whatever THEY choose, and leave it at that. I am in the same situation with my step-daughter. Her mom is very threatened by me, for whatever reason, and she told my step-daughter that she DID NOT want her calling me Mom. I told her that she could call me whatever she wanted, and sometimes she does call me mom. I told her that this would be just between us. This makes me so mad that parents burden their children with issues that are bothering THEM. My son also has a step-mom of sorts. His dad and I are divorced, and he's been with a woman for a few years. My son asked me what he could call her. I told him that he could call her whatever made him comfortable, as long as she was comfortable with it also. I know my place is firmly established as Mom with him, so this does not bother me. I like the idea that there's another mother figure present in my son's life....She is a bit older than me, and she has different views on all kinds of things, and I think it's good for my son to get that exposure. Anyway, I understand the frustration of your kids mom trying to drive a wedge in your relationship. Just love those little ones and live as if the things she (probably) says about you are not true! Your kids will be able to appreciate this as adults.

K.

Don't confuse a name with a bond and feelings of love. Ignore this!

As a fellow step mom I feel your pain. However, as the other ladies have said if this is your biggest problem so far you are a lucky duck. I understand why you are upset about it but, please don't be. Our actions are what is important. Your step children will love you for you not because their mom wants them to or not and certainly not because of what they call you. My step son calls me by my first name and has since he was 3 1/2. I let him choose what he was comfortable with. I know that I am not his mother and I am not trying to be his mother. I am a mother figure in his life. Our relationship has grown over the years. There have been many bumps and many blessings. Being a step parent is a big job. Just keeping loving them and being there for them. Good for you for not letting the kids know that it bothered you. We have to be the bigger person. You don't want to confuse them by telling them it is ok to call you by your nickname etc. I wouldn't bring it up, they will call you what they want. Don't rock the boat. Good luck to you!

I agree with you its not right for the mom to tell the kids what they can and can not call you, on the other hand im not sure its worth arguing over seems how the kids will HAVE to call you by your first nam when they are at her house...it can be confusing for them to be calling you one name at one huse and another at the other house....The mom will always have something against you just because...its unfortunate I deal with it myself and its frusterating!

The kids won't like you better or worse because of what they call you. You really think the kids are more bonded to you because of your name? That makes no sense. They love you because you are you.

Some of the things the kids I work with call me: "teacher, I hate you, you smell like a fish, you're racist, your hair is funny." I tell them, "yeah but I love you." Names mean nothing.

Let it go. Making a big deal over this will make things worse needlessly.

(p.s. - I don't smell like a fish.)

I have to say good for you for being the bigger person and not telling the kids to call you that anyways, or consipiring to have them call you that when they are around you. That would be tough, I imagine. I agree with you that the mom is threatened by you, and the whole situation is a sticky one. It isn't fair to you, but also keep in mind that it is hard for bio mom to have this competition for her children's affection.

Ultimately, the kids are what is important. And not putting them in a difficult position is what will win you this battle in the end, even if they never call you Re-Re again. I think you are probably right in feeling like there is a little bit of distance that wasn't there before. But I think it is probably because they are nervous that you will get angry with them for following mom's instructions. Because of course you are going to notice that they call you something different, and they are waiting for the inevitable question of why. By not making an issue of it, you are showing them that they are what is most important, and that you love them, and you are not going to make them pick sides. I think the bond will come back when they relax a little and realize you aren't mad at them and that you care for them as much as you ever did. IF it comes up again, I would just say that they should call you whatever they are comfortable calling you, that your name doesn't change your love for each other. You could make a joke and say something like "as long as you dont start calling me fish-face, that would be a deal breaker" or something else that would make them laugh. Lighten the mood, and let them know it isn't an issue.

Hopefully this is as bad as it gets, and you will all be just as strongly bonded as ever. It isn't a completely bad thing to have a little bit of maturity and authority in their eyes. Maybe she did you a favor as you head into the teen years and she doesn't even realize it. Good luck to you all!

Sometime when you're ALL cozy and feeling close, ask them how THEY feel about it. Maybe they feel the 'gap' also, and might not like it. Maybe they don't. They're just trying to keep everyone happy. Be easy and light about it.

They can always call you by your first name around her and when they're at her house, and call you by your "family" name at home.

It's not a big deal, and there isn't much difference between your ages. But she probably has to focus on something...!

I hear what you are saying. It does sound like a put down to say your nickname is childish.

I like R. too. It does make you seem more mature for the kids to introduce you to their friend and friends parents, especially if you look really young.

It is your name and if this is the worst thing that bothers you, maybe you could let it slide?

I'm going to side with you on this one, there is comfort in the name that everyone calls you on a daily basis. The fact that suddenly the kids are forced to call you your given name because their mother is making them is not right. Its none of her business what name you go by. She's just trying to drive a wedge between you and the kids and cause a little stir. Even if she truly doesn't like your nickname, why does she care? I think you should try to casually bring it up with her, just mention that you go by the name "Re-re" and would like to continue being called that by the kids, they must have been using it for a while, like 4 years?? And it would still be confusing if they called you R. in your own house while your boyfriend called you Re-re, so the posters that suggested it would be easier are not considering everything. I would dare her to call my name childish to my face, instead of just to her kids. Its your decision what you would like to be called, not hers. I would be offended and hurt.

i would tell the kids that your nickname isn't childish.. but it's one you really like and if they want they can call you it.. or they can call you by your first name.. but you really prefer the nickname.. Then I would let the mom know how you feel too.. tell her your nickname means a lot to you and that you like it for everyone to call you by that... you don't want to upset her.. but the kids can call you that too.. because you really llike it... good luck

My instinct is that the mother doesn't like the childish way her children sound when they say it and/or feels it is not respectful or appropriate for a child to call an adult. I say, no big deal.

I met my step-father before my mother did. (I actually introduced them.) I was 9, he was 19, she was 31. He introduced himself by his nickname, and that's what I called him when he was just a friend of ours. When they became a couple, I started calling him by his given name. Eventually, I felt he earned the title of Dad. It's an evolution.

The mother is a part of their growth and development and social training. When it comes down to it, her feelings of appropriateness outweigh yours. You differing to her wishes shows maturity and an interest in a pleasant relationship between all parties. Perhaps someday, the kids will come upon a nickname for you that reflects the special nature of your relationship while maintaining the level of appropriateness the mother wishes.

I am reminded of the old television show Webster, where the child called the adoptive mother Ma'am and explained once that he liked to because it sounds like Mom. Let it happen and you may have a special moment like that in your future.

Best wishes.

its the mother that is being rude. in my day, a child would never dream of calling an adult by their first name. ask her, is she always this rude, or does she work at it.?there is a quick way to cure them of it, refuse to do anything for them or with them if they insist on being rude.
K. h.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Their mom may truly feel it is more respectful. It about how she's trying to raise her kids, not you. If this is the biggest problem you have with her, you are a lucky woman.