Silly Husband Question

My husband doesn't have a short temper, but he can become irritable, especially if he is physically uncomfortable (hungry after work, too hot in the summer, etc.). We have both learned this over time, so he tries to eat more frequently, but we can't do anything about the heat. I would just ignore him. I generally ignore things that annoy me or seem childish, no matter who is doing them.

Therapy is unlikely to hurt. Marriage Counseling too.

I would suggest shaming him is NOT the best way to get him to listen to you. And I have learned that things just exacerbate if you get on the same negative wave length. Fight that urge no matter how frustrated you are. When he gets nasty just walk out of the room. If he follows calmly, without anger, look at him and say, "When you talk to me in a calm and respectful voice like I am talking to you right now then I will listen to what you have to say." Then walk away again or just ignore him.

Anger is a killer of relationships. I would say fight the urge to get on that wagon with him.

Another idea. Anger is often anxiety in my view. At least it often works that way in my family. Help him to recognize this. Maybe even consider anti-anxiety meds or herbal remedies. We take herbal stress tabs on occasion at my house.

I understand what you are going through. My husband has always had a short temper with my daughter (from before we were married). As she gets older, it has gotten worse. It was always a turn off for me, but I think in the last several months there has been a big turn around. Part of it may be my daughter realizing she needs to think before she talks, but I think a big part of it was me telling my husband that I had been looking at lawyers, and what the laws were in AZ for Legal Sepparation. Once I told him that, he took a day or two of just not talking to me (oh the silence :) ) But, then he really started just acting better in general. It may have helped my cause that we haven't had any "bedroom action" since last September, but who knows. I think that just drives home my point that his actions are a turn off. The difference is that my husband is never short tempered with me or the other kids. He is a fairly short tempered person in general, but knows better than to raise his voice to me (because then I just leave, I don't fight with him normally, and wont be yelled at). And he thinks the 3yo & 1yo are too young to yell at (he doesn't get that NO ONE should be yelled at the way he goes about it). I understand occassionally loosing your temper and yelling, but I do know that my husband has taken it too far in the past with my daughter and I think thats more what you are talking about. You never know, a counselor might help you as well. They may make the suggestion that your husband and maybe even the whole family come in as well. Then, maybe you can get the husband in that way. But, you might need that councelor for yourself more than you realize as well. I've done the therapy thing before, and it has helped me out. Even when I wasn't the cause of what was going on.

My husband was going to anger management when we met, so I learned early what made him tick. Anger management has helped him out, but what helped us out was therapy and a couples retreat. We learned that our personalities are more different than we thought. An example I can give you is: We were both read the same sentence at the same time. It's how we interpret it that changes everything! My husband might be offended by the sentence, and I am completely calm and "whatever" about it. A LOT of it comes from our childhood too. I hope that all made sense to you. The one thing that stuck with me the most is "You cannot change your partner, you can only change yourself" Make those positive changes and lead by example. They soon realize they are acting childish. Oh and sometimes men (and women) just need someone to talk to who they feel won't judge them for whatever they have to say. My husband and I did individual counseling as well. I had postpartum depression and he didn't understand a lot about it and got very frustrated. It all has helped us out tremendously and we grow stronger everyday. For the rest our marriage we will be learning... with that said, I just want to tell you that counseling and therapy give you tools to use to help your marriage. If you don't use them, then nothing gets fixed. There is nothing embarrassing about going to therapy, that just shows how much you love him :O) It's just another chapter that is added to your book of life, you will get through this. If you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to send me a message. Good Luck Sweetie

Thanks for sharing your dilemma. My husband and I have had to do a lot to overcome his anger issues. Anger is a hard line to walk. You never really know what you can or cannot say or do that will make the problem better. An angry person is a hurting person, whether it be emotionally, physically, or spiritually.

It is important that you set your husband up for success. Let him know that you love him (even if it doesn't feel like it, know it is true; for it was love that brought you two together). But, also let him know that it is not okay for him to treat you with anger. When he is not angry set up rules for "fair fighting". Give yourselves permission to walk away from a heated conversation and follow through with it. Know that anything that is a pressing issue cannot be resolved in the midst of anger. It is not leaving the conversation hanging, but saving emotional pain.

When your husband is angry, ask him "How can I help you?" This shows him compassion, yet gives him the responsibility of controlling his own anger. Also in the midst of anger, sometimes a simple "I love you." Works wonders. Your partner is not the enemy and sometimes when you know someone loves you even at your worst it is a huge relief.

The difference between a successful marriage and a divorce is the willingness to work through the most painful times. I wish you well as you walk the road you are on now. You will be in my prayers.

Man want respect, that's our way of showing we love them, Copying his behavior and nagging is not showing respect and so he does not feel loved and get's even more tempered. When we don't make them feel respected, we don't make them feel self worthy.Just like we women need to hear over and over that we are not fat or ugly or smell, just to name a few, they need to feel it too. The biggest way of showing them love and respect is engaging in a frequent sex life ( I had lo learn that and keep on working). So many annoying behavior have a root of cause in the bedroom (and the many other place for that matter). Seriously, answer that question for yourself. And it doesn't feel very motivating at first to initiate love making when you are annoyed with him, but he is the guy that woe'd you, so you wanted to marry him. Try to work to get that back and the fuse will get longer. I have seen it for myself.

Therapy can be a life saver, but make sure you see someone that has experiance and training working with couples. Check out aamft.org

Yes, I agree, BOTH of you need to go to therapy. I think it would be an EYE OPENER so to speak...( Make sure the therapist is a WOMAN)... Good luck with your angry husband...

I agree that therapy is a good idea. However, given his attitudes, you might want to find a male therapist because he may not respect a female therapist.

The techiques you describe are a way to guarantee that your husband with have less and less patience and respect for you. Try the approach used in Non-Violent Communication for a mutually-respectful way to start connecting with him heartfully again. It can be life-changing, and will reduce the negativity that's growing in your household. Google for lots of information, examples, books and classes (you don't have to attend classes to make it work, but the practice is helpful).

Counseling is helpful, too. Choose not to take it as an insult. Take him up on the offer. You'll be glad you did, whether it helps him or not.

Well I have a temper problem too, sometimes I can tell my anger gets to my husband and, bless him he takes the higher road and does something like, "you seem upset.....Why don't you take a hot shower" and sets one up. It's hard to remain angry, and then I want to tell him what is upsetting me, he kills the anger with love so to speak.

I wish I could offer sound advice but I am the one with the temper in my marriage so maybe something similar would work for your husband. Sometimes finding a nice way to remove the angry party from the situation is the best fix.