Shyness or Antisocial

My son is the SAME EXACT WAY. he is 4 yrs old and doesnt speak to anyone that speaks to him. He was at his preschool for nearly a year and a half before he 'talked' to the staff. It also took him forever to even start to acknowledge his grandparents, now he cant get enough of them. Recently someone told me something about children being 'selectively mute'. Has something to do with anxiety and some other stuff. A neighbor of mine recently had her child treated for the condition because she too, would only speak to people she knew or felt comfortable around. I havent had my son evaluated for anything as of yet, but I am just going with the flow and trying yo let him come out of his shell on his own.

I can relate from your son's perspective. My mother use to ask me when I was a little girl why I wouldn't respond when someone spoke to me. I would say, "they are just trying to make me talk". This was my way of saying - I didn't feel like talking at that moment and felt like I was being forced to talk. Forcing a quiet person to engage in conversation is like forcing an extremely talkative person into solitary confinement - it's very uncomfortable.

Statistically speaking there are more extroverts in this world than introverts and thusly introverts are constantly bombarded with messages that say that something is wrong with them - they are broken - they don't work as well as extroverts. Speaking from experience, (no pun intended) these verbal and non-verbal messages that we receive can make us feel insecure and in turn we become even quieter. Introverted people are just that "turned inward" - we are reflective and are wonderful compliments to our extroverted counterparts.

I am still to this day on the quiet side; however, my husband would never know it - my friends at church would never know it - my folks probably wouldn't label me as "quiet" or "shy". Nonetheless, I am both.

Introverted people will speak when they feel like they have something to say or when they want to connect with someone. Some can even go for hours, no days, without having the need to talk to anyone. Please tell your son that he is just fine the way he is and learn to accept him the way he is - If possible, try to relate and sympathize with him. He will be able to sense your embarrassment.

If you are worried about what people think of your parenting skills, simply say "She just said hello to you. Aren't you going to say hi back to her? It's not polite to ignore her." Then they will see you have done your part so if he ignores then it's obvious he is shy and not ignoring them due to neglectful parenting.

Give it time! Most adults understand. My daughter's five now and, at her very loving school, everyone greets us. I answer, and she's just now starting to answer as well. Example and familiarity are the best tools--I think forcing it just makes everyone uncomfortable.

If an adult seems to expect more from her, I'll just turn to her and say, "Are you feeling quiet today?" or something like that. Most people have had or know shy kids, so they understand!

I don't think you should be concern, my daughter was and still the same way a point, but I think it is fine, she started to be more open when she went to the big school (kindergarden), but that is the way she is and I'm not concer at all about other people may think, as long he is not rude to anybody, don't worry about it.
Good luck!

I wouldn't worry about it either at this point. Forcing the issue will only make it worse I would think. If he doesn't respond you can always let the person know he's having a shy day. I don't think I would say that he is shy but just having a shy moment.

I wouldn't force him to say hi. Just let the other party know that he's shy. My daughter's shy too and doesn't talk much to strangers -- and sometimes people that she's familiar with. I think it's a good thing that they don't want to be friendly to everyone they come into contact. The way the world is today, I'd rather have my child be thought of as shy and quiet than to force her to say hi. Just let him be and he'll come around when he's ready.

Go with the flow, relax.

He is fine, he is shy.

How would you feel if someone made you talk to somebody you didn't want to?

He will grow out of it, someday.

Talking to others and making friends is something that needs to be learned, it does not always come natural for some people.

Take care and God Bless.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

My daughter was also quite shy and is just coming out of her shell a bit at 4 so I think this is pretty normal. My daughter sometimes will talk a family members ear off and hug and love on them and other times act like they are not even there, won't talk or hug, etc... she just doesn't want to that day. Its ok.
Preschool will help and being away from home and away from M. and dad is good for him too. My daughter would not talk to her teacher when we went in to meet the teacher together but talks to her now and plays well with other kids and responds well in class, etc. It may take time but you are doing the right thing.
As for strangers talking to him and him not responding I think that is FINE. You don't really want him talking to strangers anyway.(My middle child talked to everyone like they were M. or dad from a very young age, it worried me sometimes because noone was a strange, everyone was her friend, etc. so we didn't want her to learn her phone number and address for fear of her sharing it with the world!) Just respond for him and comment that he is quite shy. Do not force him to talk to someone he doesn't want to, you will just make him more uncomfortable.
Do you walk up to someone you don't know and start talking to them? Probably not if you are introverted (like me) so why would you expect your son to do something he has never seen you do?
Does he speak well for his age or is he even unknowingly not talking because he is selfconscience about how he talks? My young nephew was that way... he had some hearing problems so he also had speech problems (he still goes to speech therapy for it) and he didn't feel comfortable talking because he was afraid you couldn't understand him and he would have to repeat himself and he was embarressed... even before he really knew that is what he was feeling.
Don't worry too much about it. I don't think antisocial is something a child really is. They develope that at a much later age. He is just normally shy. Hope this helps;)

My daughter is a little on the shy side as well. I will sometimes (more often when she was younger - she is 8 now) respond "for" her so as not to seem impolite. Afterwards I might talk to her about the "conversation"... Your classmate said 'bye' to you. Why didn't you tell her 'bye' back? and then see what she says. Usually the answer would be on the order of "I don't know". Then I would tell her that that was alright. It is nice to reply when your friends talk to you, but you don't HAVE to. If it is an adult (the grocery store clerk, someone I know that she doesn't in a store somewhere, a "stranger" at church) telling her bye - then I may or may not say anything to her at all, after the fact. It can be very confusing to explain social cues and politeness to young kids in an age where we are constantly on alert for "stranger danger". So I try to let my daughter's "gut" instincts guide her. If she is uncomfortable talking to someone I don't force it. She must have some reason, even if, like she tells me, she doesn't understand what it is. I want to NURTURE that gut instinct in her.

She is perfectly capable, at other times, to want to roll down the window of the car and yell out across the parking lot 'goodbye' to a friend at school. A lot of things can influence their openness and comfort with talking to people. I would not make an issue of it for your son. He is still very young. No one will be offended if you prompt him by saying "tell Billy 'bye'" if he doesn't respond to one of his friend's farewells. But if it is an adult that is expecting an answer, I might respond myself on both of your behalf's ("we'll see you tomorrow" for instance) and not make any issue of it to your son. In time, when he is comfortable (with the person, the location, the audience, his mood, whatever) he will respond... Don't rush him before he is comfortable.

one other thing: be careful about telling people "he's shy". You don't want to talk about him in front of him, nor create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I like the M. who said ask your son "are you feeling quiet today?". That is a good way to approach it.