Sharing Holidays

I'm reading your post and thinking oh my god this could be me writing it. My oldest son has a girlfriend who is exactly like the one you describe. They live together in WI a couple hours away from us. We finally set out times and told them when they were and that we hoped to see them sometime through the holidays. And left it at that. The first few years I tried really hard to work "around" all of her demands on his time. it put all the rest of the family in an uproar. Added into that she was vegetarian so wouldn't eat most of what I cooked. So I started making a couple of dishes in both meat and meatless varieties so she would have food. she would pick at her plate and within an hour be asking my son can we go get something at panda I am starving. For Christmas one year I got her a beautiful vegetarian cookbook with photos of all the dishes and shopping lists etc. She looked at it and then pushed it back to me and said its really more vegan than vegetarian. WTH. I tried adjusting times, days and holidays to share. It finally got to the point where I said ok you tell me when you are doing yours and I will pick a different time /date. she said "my mom hasn't made the final plans yet" and again another great big WTH. I finally just stopped working around them. I told them we are doing "X" hope you can fit us in. and left it at that. I was hurt a lot that he would choose not only to miss things but a girl who didn't seem to care about his family at all. There are so many other red flags with the girl my son is with. We like you are afraid of alienating him so we just tiptoe around it. But will be glad when the day comes that he tells her to take a hike.

Ouch, I can completely understand why this hurts. I think there is a power struggle going on and I would try and let go and see what happens. It is concerning that this girlfriend and her family are not showing any consideration for you. Hopefully this is not indicative of their overall personalities. With that said, I would try and keep and open mind and give her the benefit of the doubt that this is just a lack of maturity and hopefully she will change as she gets older and understands how relationships work. I would tell them you want them to spend their holidays how they want to and the last thing you want is conflict to get in the way of everyone having a good time. I would let them know your plans and invite them but tell them no pressure because it is their holiday and their choice. I think that is your only hope at establishing a relationship with them as a couple. Pressure or guilt will just push them away. Mama, try and still enjoy your holidays!

Wow...it really sounds like you are fighting snotty with snotty. Do you have a problem with them living together? I sure sounds like it based on the emphasis at the start of the post.

You admit that you have glared at your son for not making the decision that you wanted him to... Did he do something for his Dad for Father's day? Was it just not how you wanted him to act? You also admit that you are pressuring him to make the decisions that you want him to... Have you ever thought that maybe she is getting the same pressure from her family?

It does sound like you have made an effort with this girl, but it also sounds like you really do not like her. This probably comes across to her and she is probably uncomfortable around you sensing how you really feel about her.

Your son has made a choice and this could very well be the woman he marries. They are a unit now and SHOULD put each other first. Traditions cannot be the same forever and usually must change to accomodate the changing dynamic of your family.

I suggest that you try to put your hurt feelings aside and be a little more accomodating. The snottier you get about this, the less they are going to want to spend time with you....

It hurts but it seems like your son and girlfriend are attached at the hip.
Just let him go.
He's figuring out how to form his own family.
This is all him.
He's letting her call the shots.
Maybe the sex will go away if he rocks the boat or shows he has a backbone.
Or maybe he likes her being in charge.
With guys sometimes it's hard to tell if the little head has taken over thinking for the big head.
Let him know he/she are always welcome but you are going to celebrate as you have always done.
He'll be missed but he's doing exactly what he wants to do.
Sons pull away from their Mom's sooner or later.
Be nice to the girlfriend but don't try too hard - it makes you look needy.

You need to keep this discussion with your son, not with his girlfriend. Perhaps remind your son that he is NOT married to this girl. If the two families will be celebrating at the same time, then he can spend the day with his family, and she can spend the day with her family. You are not a mother-in-law, and this girl is not your family. They are still very young, and it's quite likely that they won't ever be married. Family trumps dating relationships, including living together without a ring and a date set for impending marriage. If they get married, then both sets of families can try to compromise to accomodate the new family members. However, that is NOT the current situation. Your son is inappropriate in treating you in a condescending manner with the "when we're adults...." . He may be a "grown-up" (IF he's entirely financially independent of you), but you are still his mother and should be treated with respect. I'd also suggest nipping the snarky text messages from his girlfriend in the bud too. A 20year old girl has no business being snarky to her boyfriend's mother.

First and foremost. STOP TEXTING. Pick up the phone and have a conversation with your son.

I would approach the topic as "I love you and really like Susie. I understand that your and adult now and you need to develope your own holiday traditions, but I'd also like for you to consider continuing to participate in some of the traditions that were established during your childhood. What was your favorite holiday growing up? Would it be possible for you and Susie to spend that particular holiday exclusively with us?......."

And yes it is a "mother" thing. As my girls get older and the realization that they our lives are changing is very bittersweet.

Updated

This has been taken way too far. This began as a text argument over the holidays and has now blown up into a blog bashing of my girlfriend who, i will say, is not controlling me and not having me post this either. Many of the things in this "story" are incredibly one-sided and incorrect so i will now give you our side before you continue to call me "immature" and "stupid"

1. She does not just want to spend time with her family for the holidays and she is comfortable at my family's house. As a matter of fact, she goes over to the house every sunday, willingly i may add, and enjoys dinner and a ritual television show we've all been watching.

2. Fathers day is remembered very differently by my mother, because in fact when they invited US on a motorcycle ride, they made sure to include my father in the plans. This was a fathers day trip for all of us to be enjoyed riding our bikes. I was not dumbfounded and my father enjoyed that entire day.

3. Yes, i did spend the fourth of july with her family. But i actually stayed home on halloween while she went trick-or-treating with her mother and little sisters. This was also mentioned to my mother which for some reason was forgotten or left out again.

4. For christmas eve and thanksgiving i am yet again, not dumbfounded. This entire conversation about the holiday mash up was done through text as well, so misunderstandings happen a lot more often as you can now tell. It didn't have to be set in stone and we are all willing to work around something that works for the families. It was merely suggested we "share" the holidays, and go to my parent's house in the morning and afternoon and her parents that evening but my mother did not have any of that and now posted this.

5. I want to also make aware that my girlfriend is not controlling, ONE. LITTLE. BIT, and also as bad as this sounds i do love my mother a great deal. I am currently enrolled in the Police Academy and at the same time i am enrolled in college, attempting to get my bachelors degree in biology and forensic science so i am not "STUPID." Also, my girlfriend has been very supportive these past few months as money has gotten tighter (we all know being a police officer doesn't exactly give you millions)

6. When my mother posted this article here, she also sent the link to both me, and my girlfriends cell phones. My girlfriend is now very upset, especially now that she has had all of this said about her over the internet. She loves my mother as well, and we both did not want a fight and we still do not. I would just like our side to be out as well, so we do not continue to be slammed for something that could have been worked out by a simple MATURE face-to-face conversation instead of texting and putting hurtful blogs on the web.

I sincerely hope that this helps and that you all do not think that we are that immature, and unfortunately the maturity level has gotten to a blog battle instead of a calm conversation. So if you would rather listen to the internet, here is my treaty mom. I apologize for the misunderstanding, and i would really like to work things out as soon as things calm down.

Sincerely,

Your loving and really not that bad of a son - Alex

she sounds like a real piece of work.
but you can't 'win' this one, mama.
and you may be trying too hard.
it's got to hurt like the dickens, but the only long-term good way to handle this is to smile, be gracious, and find new traditions for yourself. i hope at some point your son becomes comfortable enough with this gal that he insists on a more equable solution.
ETA ..... I'M dumbfounded that you would text a link to that to the young people! your son's response changes everything. wow. what were you thinking? the 'whole story' is considerably different from what was posted, but even more, clearly you are trying to manipulate both your son and his young lady. you are indeed officially one of THOSE MILs.
khairete
S.

They sound very immature and they are young - who lives with someone at age 20? I can't wrap my head around that...they're like teenagers playing house and don't have the maturity to consider what real adults do to balance and honor both families during important times of the year. I wouldn't fret about this until they're married or at least engaged. Easier said than done, of course.

If I were in your shoes, I would have a sit down with my son and let him know that I am disappointed that his is letting his girlfriend make all of the holiday decisions with no consideration from him about what is important to our family and isn't handling family balance well at all. That as an adult, it's HIS job to manage these things with his girlfriend, and that real adults find ways to balance commitments and time with BOTH families. That I will attempt to make arrangements with him and then it is his job to talk to his girlfriend and figure out together where they will be and what they will do. And that my patience for being ignored on holidays is very limited.

Please don't cater to them (again, easier said than done). Do the Thanksgiving you want to do, when you want to do it. Let him know that you hope they can attend but you're not doing brunch instead of dinner, etc.

You don't mention whether or not you have other children - for me, this would be easier because I do have other children so the show would still go on if someone chose to not be there. If you don't have other children, plan with extended family as you normally would - if he's not there, it's his loss.

Hopefully they'll break up and he'll have learned from the experience and will be wiser with his next serious relationship.

You and your husband make some plans to go away for the holidays. If your other son wants to join great.....if not, do your holiday meals on a different day before you go away on your trip.

The next time you spend a holiday with your son and his girlfriend, let them be the ones to extend the invitation.

I know your feelings are hurt (been there), but trust me, the more you just back off, your son will come to you. If he doesn't, better to learn now. It's their turn to do the giving.

Idk really! Perhaps some books on how to handle and interact with other people. Or books on how to be a great mother inlaw? Not that your not trying already. But if you allow people to walk all over you they will. Being nice and giving her gift baskets, trying to accomodate them, adjusting to her picky eating. I am a picky eater if she cannot find anything to eat at Thanksgiving she just has no manners! I do low carb and find things, we have vegans and veggitarians all in the mix. No one has ever gone hungery. That being said I love Thanksgiving with our family. Since its truly one day we all meet at my aunts orchard and have the family dinner there. Everyone is welcome its my moms sister but my entire dads side of the family go, neighbors show up, my inlaws are welcome. We never truly know ecactly who is going to be there and sometimes I wonder who those ppl are and if they are second cousins or not?! Its a huge gathering 60 or more ppl. Isnt that really what Thanksgiving is about. If her family isnt up to it ...and i wouldnt commit to that until your son marries to a big gathering like that.

I think its more about you doing the best that you can do and if they dont want to get along with you thats there issue. But never give ppl a reason not to like you or get along with you. It will all be on her and your son will see that.

I think B may have it right. Yeah, she's spoiled, but they are both "young and stupid". Your son is trying to be his own person and that means you did something RIGHT. He's just doing it clumsily.You're not unimportant at all, but your positions in each other's lives are changing. You are the mom and will always be important BUT he is a young man, so another woman will become important in a different way - more important in some ways, but the love will always be there. It's normal, but it sucks emotionally.

Do your thing at the holidays - keep your traditions, keep the door open, do your best not to take it personally. If you're invited over there, go. And when you're there, invite them to your place for something. To me, the holidays are not just one day - that's marketing. They are a time of recognition - mothers day can cover the weekend, and not just that Sunday - maybe Saturday works better. Christmas is from the weekend before through New Years. Thanksgiving is 4 days long. Use what works best.

They are REALLY young. REALLY young.
21? That is REAL young.
And they both seem immature.
And she seems really not adult like. She is not. She is not.

Now, for whatever reason, your Son... likes girls like this? I mean, his girlfriend is controlling him and everything.... and is high maintenance etc. And he listens to her. Like a lap dog. But that is his choice, or... he does NOT see how she really is.
She is childish and immature and spoiled, and rude and more.

You have been gallant and gracious with them.
But it seems like, the girlfriend's family... ALSO is anti-your-family, too, and they are not very inclusive either.

Hopefully, this is not a serious relationship.
They are SO young.
At that age, life has so much more to offer.

I have a cousin, who consistently had the type of girlfriends that your son has. EVERYONE, could not stand the girlfriends he brought home. Ick! The girls, were just not very deep or mature and high maintenance etc. But fortunately, he was not the type to just settle down or marry anyone. He dated around a lot... even had some gold digger type girlfriends. But in the end, the WOMAN he married, was a nice normal woman and they have a family now.
You see, there comes a point in time, when a person grows up... and matures... and then they date "Women." Not "girls." And they know... the difference. And they have standards that they want in their partner.

...and there comes in point in time, where hopefully, the guy realizes that some girls are just for fun, and some are "women" who are the type that you actually marry or have realness with.

Just like men.... you date, but you don't just marry every single one.
You choose.
Some are just for fun. And some are marriage material.

Your son is SO young.
Hopefully, he has his own ideas... and is not just going to be his girlfriend's lap dog all the time.
Or maybe he likes girls who treat him that way.

Now, instead of being his Mom's son, he is being his Girlfriends guy.
Just be yourself.
Don't try to be the girlfriend's BFF.
Just be yourself.

Have dad talk to him.

Plan your holidays, let them know they are invited. Other than that, you just can't force it on them. Sometimes you can tell your son how much you miss him and someday it will sink in. Or not... but that's his loss. You can't force it on him. But dad is probably better to talk to him about growing up as a man. From experience, guys will run head over heels to make his GF/wife happy. Who of us didn't experience that? My brother does the same but a few years later and he's coming around again. Over time, things either balanced out or you break up because one person won't budge. After that, it's the worse learning experience of your life.

"We, as adults, don't always get what we want in life and we need to act mature".

Okay.

Do your own thing and quit trying to cater to them. I understand why you're doing it, but it's not worked so far.

Many girls, dare I say women, tend to forget that men have mothers and families too. Men can get tagged as being "mama's boys" or needing to cut the apron strings when it's perfectly acceptible for them to put their own families first.

To be honest, I will NOT be happy if my son gets tangled up with a girl or woman like that. I won't be happy because I know HE won't be truly happy.
His dad and I have been divorced basically his entire life, but he is very close to both of us. His whole life has been about compromise. He understands the concept. If a female tried basically telling him that holidays with his family are over, I doubt he'd put up with it for long. If he did, that would be his choice, and I'd have to let him make it.

I was very lucky in that my parents and in-laws adored each other. We either alternated holidays or everyone got together, which was the best of both worlds. Both family's traditions were certainly different, but it was never a matter of "it has to be our way or your way". We were all able to enjoy doing things a different way. And we had a great time.

Unfortunately, that's not always possible.

You haven't become unimportant now. His focus is somewhere else. He is extremely young and for all his talk about maturity, he has yet to achieve it.
Make your plans, leave the invitation open, and have a great day.

Just pull back a little. Do what you do.

That's the best advice I can give you.

Best wishes.

They may not be married, but they are playing house. Several people don't get married for many many years if ever anymore. They are starting they own things now. It may suck for you, but he has spread his wings and gone his own way. Best to get used to it now. When they have kids it probably won't change.

It did sound like they were going to come over before or after on Thanksgiving. Is that right? If so that is very generous. My husband and I used to go over to each parents house for holidays. After we had kids it stopped and they were all upset, but we wanted to do our own things. I wish we had gotten them used to not expecting us around before as it may have made things easier lol! Don't get mad about it. Maybe try again next year or celebrate on another day. When my husband has to work on holidays we celebrate on the following weekend. Maybe try that. Better late then never. Then you would still be celebrating with your son. They would also have no excuses then.

I am sorry that your, possible, soon to be daughter in law isn't into you. I can believe that hurts. You really have to walk on egg shells. There are alot of boundaries that are very helpful and hard to follow. Nagging is one that will get you only pushed further back. I know it may seem like she is the one who is doing this, but in many cases the sons don't want to deal with their pushy moms. He may be more into lets just skip it than you think. Even if he uses her as a scapgoat it isn't always the girlfriend....I have been used as a scapegoat many times. I am actually the one who pushes to have contact with husbands family. NEVER bad mouth her to ANYONE!! If it ever gets back YOU will be the bad guy. ESPECIALLY your son. I would lurk over on the Baby Center Dealing with the In Laws board. It may help you alot to see just how it looks from both sides.

Good Luck!

im sorry you probably wont like this, but the only thing you can do is acomadate them, if you push it she will only push harder and then you may lose your son, think of it this way, whats more important having it your way but without your son or acomidating them and maybe with time she may come around, or they will not be together, like you said they arent married and there are no kids.