Sensitive Son

He is using crying as a means to get attention from you and escape discipline for his otherwise aggressive behavior. Don't let him get away with it!

When he cries you should not make a big deal about it. He probably does do it to get extra attention.

What i really wanted to do was tell you a quick story. There was a mother that picked her child up from a playdate here about 6 years ago. I remember her and her daughter...when it was time to leave the daughter hit her. I was embarrased for the mother. That is one thing that sticks in my head. Don't let them ever think it is ok to hit you.

L.:
I am pleasantly surprised to see that Amy J hasn't come on and told you to use corporal punishment (quel suprise!)
And to the other posters: There is a difference between discipline and punishment. "Discipline" comes from the latin word "disciplina" which means, "to teach". We can teach without resorting to violence.

I would HIGHLY recommend getting two books...I PROMISE they will solve your problem:
"How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber
"Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" by Jane Nelsen.

Try to get them used on Amazon.com or for FREE on www.paperbackswap.com

Honestly, I LOVE those books....good luck, sweetie! :)

As far as the "sensitivity" thing goes; I don't think there is anything to really worry about. My daughter will be 4 in June and does many of the same things you described, or at least in some cases tries them.
Hers is due to a stubborn temperment, and honestly, while I was pregnant with my son (born 10-16-08) I gave in a bit more than I should have. Since he has arrived it has gotten past our limits. So, ever since then I have stepped up and I am now holding firm.
I think your son is trying to push your limits, too.
My daughter cries when bedtime comes and asks if she can sleep in our room (on this issue the answer is always no, if she is really afraid I go and sit with her in her room till she falls alseep and then go back to my bed, but our new son sleeps in our room and I think she's feeling a little left out).
After watching Dora for over a year, she was suddenly "afraid" of Swiper. She was "afraid" of everything. (With her you can tell if it is actual fear or just trying to get attention, and more often than not it was for attention.) She fake "cries" whenever she falls more often then really crying. Whenever she's really hurt/afraid she always knows we will hold and comfort her, however, she fakes it most of the time.
She's rebellious as well. She tries to hit when she doesn't get her way, but that just causes her to get into alot more trouble (by the way, this is something we never gave in on, but she occasionally tries and then has to face the consequences of her actions).
She cries/screams when she doesn't get her way, she won't even let you finish your sentence if it doesn't start with "yes you can", or "of course", etc. Also causing her to get into more trouble. (This was my biggest goof up, I was too tired/sick to fight with her, although I know I should have, I'm just being honest and admiting I backslid ALOT on this issue...I didn't actually give her what she wanted, but I ignored the tantrums, without there being consequences).
We have worked h*** o* making sure she knows we love her just as much as we did before Matthew came, but this behavior has not been tolerated since we (actually I) started being firm again. (In all honesty my husband stayed firm all along, but I am a sahm and added to the problem, by not standing as firm as I should have.)
Most days Jordan cries more than she smiles too, but when she does smile it is genuine. I think you might be seeing signs of a control battle, I know for us it is. My daughter has gone as far as to say (only when she doesn't get her way) "I thought you loved me?", "I thought you liked me, why are you being mean to me?", etc. We've started telling her that we DO love her, we are not being "mean" to her...but she's NOT allowed to act in that manner. We also tell her that it is because we love her that we don't let her have everything she wants.
After things got so bad, I started thinking ahead, and her behavior is NOT fair to her. I'd really hate for her to not have friends, because she treated kids/people horribly and then they don't want to give her a chance. I want her to be her own person and to stand up for herself, however, I don't want her hurting people just to always get what she wants, either.
The best advice I would give (from experience of first giving in too much, and then needing to correct my error):
Set rules...don't be harsh, always make sure he knows that you love him, but STAY FIRM.
When they want what they want, they aren't going to like you at that moment, but they'll appreciate it later.
My momma was strict but we always knew she loved us...I didn't appreciate it at all, when I wanted what I wanted. However, I am SO grateful now that she was the kind of mom she was. She is my role model and I try to be as good a mom to my babies as she was to me...I only hope I can live up to it. Her and my husband are my best friends in the whole world.

Hey, Momma!
Sorry to say, your son isn't as sensitive as he seems, just smart and able to escape consequences through crying. he will learn to be truly overly sensitive if you let this continue long enough.

He has two sensitive parents analyzing his needs and trying to be gentle with him, and voila, he's picking up on it. Your husband's natural voice, even if loud, is not the source of your son's behavior, any more than he is "scared" at night. The jig is up!!! You know you're not short on the loving, warm and tender treatment you're giving him, so it's time to add the other necessary element in any child's life-DISCIPLINE. Let the boy have some testosterone! It won't take away form his intelligence.

You said yourself, you have "tried" to discipline him, and he laughs. Therefore your discipline method is not effective -if you've managed to get past trying. Kids don't laugh at serious consequences.

My uncle has 7 kids. He's 6' 4", built like a Mack truck with a voice like a grizzly bear. He implements firm discipline along with boisterous rough house playing with all 4 of his boys. All were professional tag team wrestlers by age 2. They are fearless happy "tough boys" with total respect for their parents and extremely well behaved. They wouldn't even know it was an option to throw tantrums, cry when asked to do something, or to wake up at night and disturb the household.

Step up the discipline! You want your son to be a man one day and to feel secure and strong.
Of course you need the attention and positive reinforcement most of the time, but you seem to already have that covered.

ps-Smacking a parent should have been dealt with the very first time in a way that would make it impossible for him to fathom to trying it again, not to mention, he should be trained to respond to "no" by now when you see his little hand go up. Whatever discipline you are trying, here are the two main signs it isn't working:
1) You have to implement it constantly or very often.
2) The child does not learn to stop the behavior.

My friend gives her kid time outs for everything, and at 5 years old, he is still hitting her and doing all the things he's been doing since he was 2. a.k.a. NOT WORKING.

I find one calm cool request, then one calm cool warning, then one good sting to the rear works wonders. Especially when the child is over two, has always been trained that way, and knows that everything you say will be enforced, so each new challenge is easy to handle. No yelling, no drama, no excessive attention or negotiation, no letting it escalate, no shirking or being inconsistent.

If you don't believe in spanking, find something else simple, quick, and unpleasant enough that he wants to avoid it as a consequence. Otherwise, he's got no reason to change.

Also, your husband is his male role model, make sure he's being a strong influence, and that he never contradicts you when you are the one disciplining. Let him set the rules as much as possible (even though we all know it's really momma in charge)

Dear L. ~
You can hear the frustration in your note. For this, I am sincerely sorry that your experience isn't anything but wonderful. I have a son who is 11, a daughter who is 8, and I am pregnant with my third. I am constantly getting compliments on my kids' behavior, in school and in public - even in a 2-hour-wait at Disney! Their behavior at home is no different. They're not perfect, they're kids, but they are sincerely a delight to have around. However, their behavior is not always so delightful! My advice to you would be to "stick to your guns". Discipline your son, when you know it requires it, no matter how upset he seems. A firm (not screaming) voice lets him know that you're serious. They need to be able to hear the difference. My kids spent a lot of time in time-out for unacceptable behavior. Hitting definitely warrants discipline. Now that they're older, when I'm serious I count to three. This works for me too. It gives me the opportunity to focus. When disciplining, I always saw it through, and didn't give in. I sincerely feel that it paid-off. I rarely have to discipline my kids now. Here's an example that comes to mind: When my daughter was about 3, she threw herself on the floor of the grocery store b/c I wouldn't give in to what she wanted. I simply watched her, said nothing, let her finish, and then the episode was over. It was hard and extremely embarrassing. She never did that again. So, as hard as it is, discipline with love, but stick to your guns. You can do it! Good luck!

To be totally honest, it sounds like your son is getting over on you! :) Happens to the best of us, I worked with kids for 6 years and they really know how to push all the right buttons!
When he falls and cries, do you run right over and pick him up? If you do, that's why he does it. Instead, after making sure he didn't get hurt, tell him something like "You're OK, get up and finish playing!" Then if he needs a hug still, give it to him but don't make a big deal of the fall. Attention seeking in any form, positive or negative, is what kids do! Tell him what a big boy he is!
As for the not getting his way, he is old enough to understand the meaning of "No", and he probably just doesn't like it. Who does? :) Re-direction and age appropriate time outs (4min in his case) are crucial in helping little ones realize that no means no and that's all there is to it! Obviously this one will take some work, but when he gets up immediately after being put in time out, warn him (I always used the 3 strike rule) that if he gets up time out starts over and then he will go to his room if he still won't listen. I would also use a timer, so he knows how much longer!
The hitting needs to stop NOW!! Tell him that this is NOT NICE, and make sure you are very consistent! Time out every time, and at the least he should lose a toy or game for a period of time until he accepts repsonsibility and doesn't hit. Don't forget to let him earn it back though!
As for the sleeping thing, fear is a natural thing. All kids will be afraid of something, but I really doubt it's the sound of hubby's voice!Again, in this instance he knows you will let him sleep with you, so he will! Use a sticker chart to encourage him to sleep in his own bed, each night he does it he gets a sticker and then maybe a little prize at the end of a week? If this is the least of your concerns, maybe you could bear with it a little longer until the rest is worked on. Sorry this is so long, but this kind of thing holds a special place in my heart! :)

Hi L.,

Robin has good advice. Please consider an evaluation for your child. This is not to frighten you but to help you get a clear assessment of what your child needs first before going any further. What may appear to be brattish to others may truly be extreme sensitivity or some other issue your son is having. I do not believe a child should be allowed to hit, but I stronly believe in getting at the root issue and not just treating the symptoms. Even if it is actually a discipline problem (and it may very well be), there are ways to deal with it that should bring out the best in your child. I know it's not always easy to balance firmness and compassion, but one is not exclusive of the other. They work togehter. You obviously love your son and want the best for him. I'd get some counseling from a good family therapist or child psychologist.

Blessings,
K.
www.joyfulconnections.net

i dont want to be rude or insensitive to you - but it sounds a bit like your son is doing two things:

1. acting jealous of his little sister
2. being a spoiled brat

kids learn really fast how to "work the system" and i am not going to be sittting here saying that my kids are perfect - because they arent and they work the system too - and i have made mistakes as well - but certain things are NEZVER tolerated - end of story:

1. hitting a parent - think about it this way - would you let him hit another adult? then why you? and on that same note - if he doesnt show you respect then you might be setting yourself up for bad things in school and future

2. child making decisions - ie "wont sleep alone" - you just gotta find out what works - my son (who is almost 5) has been trying to pull the "im scared" before bed - so we just worked around it - and found out why he was scared. My daughter was scared of monsters so we made "monster spray"

also -as far as being "drama" like - some of that is your reaction - if he falls and you can see he's fine - then dont make a big deal - just say "ok jump up brush it off" and keep on doing what yuo are doing - it sounds insenstive but trust me it works - we started doing this from birth - and we've got friends who never did and now 5+ years later they are wishing they had done what we did.

you have a long road ahead of you - i am not going to sugar coat it - but if you get a plan and stick to it and stick together you can make it through - but you need to be serious and you need to be ready to follow through with disciplines

good luck!
S. w.

I really liked the book "How to Behave so your Preschooler will too". It sounds like he has figured out BAD attnention is still attention. It may be helpful to ptu forth some extra effort for special time just for him playing or reading, so he doesn't seek out attnetion in a negative manner.
Just to be sure keep an eye on him, maybe he is having trouble adjusting to the baby or something. If it continues,or something else springs up - have him evaluated. This sounds exactly how my son started behaving at age 4. With the over sensitivity, I mean, and noises, and scared of everything. Eventually he developed issues with clothing too, and we had him evaluated and were told he had Sensory Processing Disorder. As we got on a waiting list for some occupational therapy, we continued with evaluations because he was getting worse. Turns out he was regressing onto the autism spectrum. Yes, it CAN happen after the age of two.

We did not have discipline issues, though - we have always been strict and he knows right from wrong. Just don't assume it is that he is misbehaving w/o figuring out WHY.

you need to watch an episode or two of super nanny. she is great and has great suggestions of what to do to get your kids to listen. every night put him in his bed and tell him he is a big boy and needs to sleep there. start off reading him a book in his bed. may be put some type of soothing music on for him. if het gets out of bed put him back in it. let him know you are in charge not the other way around. you do not need to raise your voice to let him know who is boss.be firm with him. when he acts up put him in time out. repetition is the key. put him back in time out if he gets out of his chair. make a chart for being good.every time he is good he gets a star and with so many stars he gets some special treat. make sure to play with him or take him out to do nice things. if there is some where special he likes to go to may be he can earn it on his chart. my son is 18 months old and if he hits me i out him in time out whether it is his crib or pack and play. i do not yell i just put him in there and tell him it is not nice to hit mommy.
time out is how many minutes old they are. if he is four he gets four minutes of time out. you better do something now or it is going to get worse. do you want the same thing to happen when your daughter is four?

I think there is a difference between "being sensitive" and being rebellious. My son tends to be quiet and shy around other kids. A follower rather than a leader, an observer and a watcher. There's nothing wrong with that, even though, as a parent, it is hard to watch sometimes.
The hitting is NEVER OK. He needs to be respectful to his parents. I understand that he may not like loud voices or arguing and I agree that you should try not to argue in front of your son. BUt that is no reason for him to hit you.
There is a difference between being willful and being sensitive. Decide which you think it really is and devise a plan of action that you and your husband can follow.
Do you think it may be a sensory issue? Is he sensitive to the feel of clothing? The texture of foods? Extremely loud public situations? If so maybe OT could help him if it is a sensory issue. If you think that's part of it., I would ask your pediatrician to rx an evaluation. Good luck! For what it's worth, 3 was O. of the hardest years for me with our son. :-)

i agree with melissa b it may break your heart and make you crazy sometimes but it is worth it..i have 2 boys and i am a single mom..i do not believe in physical discipline but the time out thing works but you have to be consistent...immediate response to the action...every time...im currently trying not to yell so much...i never thought i would be a yeller but sometimes the kids can work your last nerve...i talk to myself saying i'm not going to yell...i have not mastered it yet...good luck

WOW! He knows what he is doing you have to set rules and stick to them. There are alot of positive things you can do but i don't go for hitting the parent at 4 years old. You have to stick to your rules and he will quit.
T.

You have already been given excellant advice, but I wanted to add a few things. Is this new behaviour? If so, it may be a phase and he will out grow it if you don't reinforce it. Try the methods of discipline that have been suggested by the other moms. Praise good behaviour, but be firm and discipline him when is behaviour is inappropriate. And stick to your guns. Don't give in.

If this doesn't work, and you need to give it some time before deciding it doesn't, there might be something else going on here.

It may be that he has had some kind of emotional trauma lately. It may be something as simple as having a new sibling or it could be something else. You need to find out, if that is the case, he might need therapy.

If he has always been this way, then it is his temperament. He may just be an ultra sensitive kid that needs to be taught how to handle that sensitivity in appropriate ways. You might need to seek professional help.

Has your son been around kids or adults who hit each other or him? He may think it's normal behaviour. First you need to protect him and then you need to teach him that hitting is not okay. He might start hitting his sister or his friends.

It will certainly cause problems with other mom's and his school someday if he is a hitter.

Raising kids is not easy, but it is rewarding in the long run.

This sounds challenging. He's been learning behaviors that you don't like, and because of the behaviors, you're a little afraid to discipline him. (I could be off, but that's what I read between the lines).

You need to draw your line in the sand. Not your husband's, or your son's. Decide what behaviors you will discipline, and which ones you may not like all that much, but that aren't worth disciplining, because you don't want to be disciplining ALL the time.

You don't have to raise your voice, and he doesn't have to take it "like a man" -- he can laugh, laughing is a sign of nervousness, not just rebelliousness. He doesn't have to listen to you --- but he should figure out that if he doesn't, there are consequences. So tell him what he needs to do -- or stop doing -- and give him time to obey. YOu don't need to yell, you need to tell him you're going to count to 3. One, repeat the command. Wait a sec or two. Two, reapeat the command. Wait a sec or to. Three, and swoop in, take control of his body, and move it in such a way that he does what was required. (putting down a toy, picking up something he threw, whatever) Then PRAISE him for obeying you (even if it was forced) The act of being subdued into obeying will be discipline enough for his growing autonomy. And the praise for having done what he was supposed to do will help him to continue to feel loved. He won't feel that you've withdrawn your love like he might in a time-out thing.

I used to tell my kids that it was okay to feel angry, but it was never okay to take that out on other people -- so if they were angry and used that as an excuse to kick or hit, they were sent to a chair when they were younger, then to their own rooms, where they could remain until they felt that they could handle themselves in an appropriate manner.

Hopefully, that will help you gain the respect you may or may not feel is missing. . . . your spouse ? Well, he has to make his own relationship with his son. He can do the same thing, and see how it works or doesn't. One of our teens is very sensitive, and one time she told me Dad yelled at her for something. When I asked him about it, he said he'd only commented on something. I did tell him what she thought of the incident, and that he needed to be VERY VERY aware of how his words were being interpreted. I think part of it is the authoritative lower vocal tones men have, but it's also presentation to some extent. And men need to work on that from time to time. :-)

The crying thing when he falls, etc., may have something to do with getting attention with a new baby in the house -- she gets attention every time she cries. Treat it appropriately, and praise him to the skies when he falls and it isn't a big deal, so he doesn't cry. He'll work toward the praise end of things over time !! I don't think it's unusual for boys to cry when they fall down -- it may be frustration cuz it happened, as much as any pain involved. If he were a girl, you probably wouldn't notice it. So take it as it comes, just don't treat him like a sissy. He should be the one to decide if it hurts enough to cry over. But don't respond to the tears like they are trauma-related. Respond appropriately to the situation, whether he cries or not, and I think you'll find the crying won't continue unless he really is hurt. No matter how you respond, actually, he'll probably grow out of it, unless you work at reinforcing it regularly. :-)
And that's the good news !!

Have a wonderful time with your little ones. These days do end, and we all know that intellectually, but when they get to be 8 and 11, you'll look in their faces and wonder where the babies went. Even though you knew it would happen some day -- it's when it really does that we realize just how special those early years were !!!

Dear L.,
You've received some advice already, but I figured since you're open to anything I'll give my two cents worth as well. BTW, thanks for being open to ALL the options.
I'm going to address your concerns in the order you raised them. Your concern about his sensitivity level is a good thing (in my opinion). It means that you're paying attention & want your kid to be happy. At nearly four your son is old enough to talk, so now is the time to teach him to identify his feelings. Giving him an emotional vocabulary will help him & you. He'll be able to identify what he's feeling, and that will give you a starting point ~ if he's feeling angry, you can ask what happened to make him angry. (Don't bother asking him "why" he probably won't be able to ~ the most common response to "why" in young children is "because". You'll probably end up frustrating both of you even more.)
If he falls, don't rush over unless he seems SERIOUSLY injured. I KNOW this is hard, but it will help him learn that falling/getting hurt is not the end of the world. I don't know if this is the case in your situation or not, but I've observed with my kids that if something happens & I'm right there "mothering" them, the drama level escalates very quickly. On the other hand, if I stand back a bit & wait for their response, they realize that I'm not upset, so they don't get as upset. However, don't be afraid to empathize if/when he is hurt, but let him know that minor scrapes/cuts/bruises do not warrant a lot of noise or attention, and that you won't give him attention when he's exaggerating the situation.
Smacking anyone (except in defense) is wrong! Don't get me wrong, raising your voice isn't a good thing, but that certainly doesn't mean that he can "retaliate" with physical violence. Now is the time to nip this in the bud. Your not quite four year old is small, and you can handle him now, but if you don't put a stop to this, it will only get worse. You did not mention any preference with regards to corporal punishment, so that is up to you. I know there are some who claim that corporal punishment (physical consequences/discipline) "teaches" violence, but that is completely incorrect if it's administered properly. Spanking should be reserved for severe infractions, and should NEVER be administered in anger. While your son is young, he's not too young to understand right and wrong. Any time that my parents administered spanking, we read several Bible verses together first (Proverbs). This gives you time to collect yourself, and a Biblical basis for the spanking. Also, regardless of what method of discipline you use, be sure he knew what he did was wrong, and what you want him to change or do differently for next time. If he does something that you didn't necessarily tell him he couldn't do, then it's unfair to discipline/punish for something he wasn't warned about. You mentioned that he laughs when you try to discipline him. I've seen this happen on a number of occasions as a nanny & teacher. Usually, it is because the child knows the authority is inconsistent & won't follow through most of the time. Consistency is key. No matter what form of disicpline you choose to employ, be sure that you and your husband are on the same page before you put out the new rules to your son. You'll need to be united about it 100%, or your son will know, and will use the inconsistency at every opportunity. Also, inconsistency means that he has to constantly test the boundaries to see if you'll enforce them EVERY time. This is frustrating for him, b/c he doesn't understand why the same behavior/action can get varied responses depending on any number of things. Also, he can't explain "why" he tests the limits, which will frustrate you. Have a chat with your hubby about what rules are hard & fast, and which ones aren't. Then sit down with your son to talk to him. Let him know your expectations with regards to the rules. One thing that my husband & I struggled to agree on was how many times to give a direction. We finally agreed that we would give directions twice, to be sure that it was heard. The instruction was given, and the kids had about 1 minute to start showing progress. If that didn't begin to happen, we'd ask if they'd heard, and then ask what the instruction was. At that point, we tell them that they've been told & now they've been warned. Any further discussion needed will mean consequences.
Good luck with your husband and your son, and God bless you for caring enough to ask for help!