Hitting Me and My husband...HELP!!!

Hi,
Have you ever considered why he might be doing it? Attention? Getting out of something ? My son had a problem with it awhile back and it was for attention. (Even bad attention, negative reactions, getting in trouble, translates to attention). We were told to let him know it's not okay to hit, but other than that not give him a lot of attention for the behavior. Then give him tons of praise when he does something good. Hope this helps. If you need more help I can refer you to a great a behavioral therapist.

T. F.

My friends recently dealt with this with their (almost) 2-yr. old. It would happen when they would pick him up. At first they IMMEDIATELY set him down and said- "No." Then- they started putting him in his play-pen as a time-out. Eventually he started hitting himself in the face because it got a reaction. They started ignoring it and it immediately went away. They wouldn't even look... I am dreading this when my baby starts doing this. (he's 3 months now) At least we know it's pretty normal and common... Good luck! ;)

I am not being mean, so don't take it like this, but you say you don't believe in hitting, well obviously the verbal talking isn't working either. A baby that age is not necessarily hitting because of "hate" or being "bad", but from how you explain it that you are telling him not to hit, it sounds to me like he is taking this for a big joke and the "nice" way of doing it is not effective. Since you don't believe in spanking (which in this case isn't really necessary), I would try to be more firm. If it bothers you that much, Hold him firmly, look into his eyes and let him know that he should stop. Be consistent and reinforce. For some reason I could tell your baby is a boy. It seems like that's a constant with boys making fun of things you are serious about. Good luck.

He's immature and reacting like a 2 year old. He has no control over your changing body and soon to be new sibling.
It's normal, but frustrating to deal with.
Is he in a new bed? Is he off the bottle? Potty trained...so many new events in his life and he's simply acting out. Be patient.
Perhaps take out p ictures of him as a newborn and praise him for being a big brother.
I hope you have the support of family and friends to get you through this. Best wishes for a quick birth and a happy healthy new baby.

Our son has been doing that as well (he's 26 months). No doesn't work, but time outs seem to. I had read that 1 minute for each year is recommended, so we put him in his crib and set the timer for 2 minutes. He usually cries the entire time, but the minute we go back, he stops. He always knows what he did wrong. We ask, and he tells us, and then he says "sorry." I'd like to say we only have to do it once, but the threat of it often stops him now. Above all, whatever you decide to do, you must be consistent. If you say don't hit, and there are no consequences, he won't learn. Maybe take away a favorite toy or book for a period of time, whatever it is, there has to be something that makes him understand that his actions will have consequences.

YokaReeder.com will help- she is the best, and has helped us so much, best, k

Telling him it makes you sad may be backfiring, because he's thinking a-ha, I have a power over mom and Dad. I'm not big into thinking of children as manipulators, but my daughter learned at a young age that hitting got a rise out of me, and I realize in retrospect that I should have redirected her without there being an emotional element. And I did adjust my reaction and it helped. If you tell him, hands are not for hitting and then remind him that we use gentle touch, and model, stroking and talk about hugs and kisses, that's good. Also tell him if he is upset and angry he may hit his pillows or his bed, (because sometimes you just feel like hitting something, especially when you are his age and don't have words.)
I don't like to hit either, and verbal discipline is sometimes not quite enough. If he has time-out in his room, time out can be more than "punishment", it can be a time to calm himself and to be by himself til he feels better. When you introduce time-out as a time to gather yourself back together and to literally take time out, it's great. Solitude can really help an indivdual get grounded and centered again, no matter what the age. Remind him to take some deep breaths when upset (better to teach the concept when he is not upset). My daughter is now 4 and she knows that under most circumstances that when she is put in time-out, as soon as she calms down and starts acting nice, she can come out. Sometimes she's hysterical in there and calls out that she "needs some love" and if she is no longer being mean or nasty I'll go hug her or bring her out and hold her. I'm trying to teach her that she can have her emotions but that she needs to manage them in such a way that she is not hurting others.
Also, since your child is expecting a sibling, have you read him any of those little "I am expecting a brother" type books? Good luck!

It's normal for them to do that around that age. My daughter did the same thing too. Whenever she would hit me, I acted as if nothing happened. It's because of your reaction that they're doing this, not because they want to hurt you. If you just ignore it, he will soon stop. But in the meantime, just don't leave him alone with your second child until it's under control. And I never used corporal punishment either. My daughter doesn't hit anymore. Just be patient and this will pass. Good luck.

When he hits you grab the hand and walk him into his room briskly. Sit him down and walk away. Parents "overtalk" way too much. The child hears nothing but blah, blah, blah. Use much more non verbal communication with him. Tell him look at me and have a straight mouth (serious), but not scary look. This kind of "no emotion" look is exactly what toddlers need to figure out what they should or shouldn't be doing. Let him become an independent learner and stop talking so much and explaining. It is working against you. He has gotton a rise out of his parents and he will stop at nothing if you continue with the same technique. Also make sure he is where he needs to be as far as speech/language and communication.

Hi, D.. This doesn't have a simple answer, but some discipline options could help.

First, don't allow the child's hands to connect with you when he's hitting. Interrupt the swing, grab his hand firmly but without hurting him, look him in the eyes, and tell him, "No. You don't hit. We don't hit in our family." If he laughs, tell him it isn't funny. Then give him a time out.

Since he's not yet 2 years old, time outs should be no more than a minute at first. Any longer, and he won't understand why he's in time out. You have to explain to him that hitting is very, very bad, and you won't put up with it. The time out shows him that he can't get attention for hitting you -- that's why he's doing it. He doesn't understand, I don't think, about hurting you. He laughs because he got attention, and he got you to react to him. The time out shows him that the punishment for hitting is to TAKE AWAY the attention that he wants, and that should show him that hitting won't get him the warm fuzzies he's looking for.

Now -- you have to ask yourself some hard questions. Is he around other people or other kids who hit? Does anyone hit YOU? If he sees this going on, he's going to copy it because whatever adults do has to be right as far as he knows at 22 months.

Also, don't let anyone play punching or slapping games with him, and don't let anyone do this in front of him. If he sees this, you must correct the person in front of your child and make sure the child knows that person is being bad, very bad.

It's going to take a little time to get him out of this behavior, but if you start correcting him now, you will have more success than if you let it go and try to stop it later.

Peace,
Syl

hola daw es solo un niño de 22 meses que problema de disciplina puede tener que no se pueda controlar tienes que ver eso es un bebe, no se si empezo hacer eso cuando salistes embarazada o desde antes pero si es desde el embarazo eso es simplemente celos los niños son territoriales asi que tienes que habalr micho con el contarle que va a tener un hemanito y darle mucho amor cariño que el no se sienta desplazado el esta haciendo eso por que esta dolido con ustedes y el solo quiere hacerlos sentir de la misma manera pero es solo un niño no tiene otra manera de hacerlo. recuerda los niños son territoriales y celosos dale mucho amor y habla mucho con el acerca de su hermanito y lo importante que el va hacer en la vida de su hermanito ya que es el mayor hazlo que te qoque la barriga que sienta su hermanito y recuerda hazlo sentir seguro que nadie viene a quitarle su territorio que vienen hacerle compañia para que esten juntos etc etc

suerte y que todo salga bien bendiciones

Hi D.

I would start using time out. If he hits once, give him one warning in a stern voice. If he does it again, put him in time out for 2 mins. If he gets up, keep putting him back and re-setting the timer. He'll get the picture and he'll stop laughing soon enough.

Once the timer beeps, you get eye level with him and ask him why he is in time out. If he doesn't answer, you give your explanation in a no-nonsense manner-- "We don't hit in our family. Hitting hurts." Then he needs to apologize and give you a hug. If he is not speaking yet, you can teach him teh sign for "I'm sorry" (fist moves in a circle on the chest).

If you establish this now, it'll be much easier to implement once the baby comes and he will be used to sitting down and serving his time out. What is more, kids HATE time out, so it's a good incentive not to hit in the future. With mine, they don't even get a warning for hitting or hurting-- it's immediately to the chair.

He may seem young, but the truth is with the new baby on the way he is going to have to grow up a little more quickly. I had my second when my 1st was 23 months old and it was amazing how quickly she rose to the challenge. He'll do great.

Good luck and congrats on the new baby!

My advice isn't exactly what you're asking about, but I hope it will help you anyway because you mentioned a concern about him hurting the baby...

My son was 16 months old when his sister was born. He went through a brief biting stage at the end of my pregnancy and we were sooooooo concerned about him hurting the baby. We took the advise of a friend and I really seriously think it made a HUGE difference.... When we were ready to introduce him to the baby for the first time, I was not holding her. We did not want him to walk into the room and have his first impression of the baby be that she was taking his spot from mommy. She was laying in the basinet in the hospital room. My husband walked in with him and picked him up to see the baby. He looked at her with such loving eyes because he was able to take in the wonder of this new creature rather than seeing her in mommy's arms, which belong to him. He leaned down to get closer and we thought he might bite her, but he kissed her! I asked him if he wanted mommy to pick her up so he could see her better, so that made it HIS decision for mommy to hold her in his presence. You still have to always watch a toddler around a baby, of course, but he never acted out in aggression toward her and I always wonder if it may have been because of how she was eased into his life instead of thrust into it.

Welcome to the terrible twos! My son is a month or so ahead of yours. We keep telling him, "Not nice" (and now he says it when he does it... less frequently though now.) He went through the biting stage before this and scratches/grabs hold of skin, too. OUCH!
My 4 yr old daughter NEVER hit, bit or acted out this way, so it's a whole new world for us.
Set your discipline plan and stick with it... you'll have some regression after baby. Make sure you allocate time for your firstborn, hand off baby when possible and cuddle with older child as much as you can. Go on "mini Momma dates" to park or something. It will help after baby comes so that your older child is less jealous.

Best wishes!
T.
PS My kids are 2 years, 2 weeks apart

Wow. I can't believe how many people think you should hit a baby (he's not even 2 yet; he's still a baby in my eyes) especially when you said you don't do corporal punishment. Here's what I would suggest. Figure out what his hitting triggers are and redirect him.

If he's hitting because he's angry, tell him you can see he is mad, but we don't hit people. Tell him how to deal with his anger. Stomp his feet, hit a pillow, clap his hands, etc.

If he's hitting out of frustration, tell him how to ask (or sign if he's not too verbal) for help.

If he's hitting because he gets excited, I would redirect and ignore it as much as possible so you don't make a big deal about it.

If he's hitting for attention, you can approach it from several ways. If you can tell he's getting ready to hit, immediately distract him like suggesting you read a book or play with legos. Catch his hands and redirect him to a high five or a game of patty cake. Or firmly grab his hands before he can hit you and tell him, "I don't like to be hit. Hitting hurts. I like hugs." Or you can tell him, "I don't like to be hit. Hitting hurts." And then put him down and walk away for a minute. I used a lot of these approaches with my daughter when she went through a short hitting phase without resorting to spanking her, hitting her back, or even using time outs. And she wasn't what you'd call an easy going child. Since you said he's hitting you and then kissing you right afterwards, it sounds like he's really enjoying the cause (hitting you gets a response) and effect (if I kiss her right after I hit, then Mom's happy). I'd probably redirect and ignore as much as possible.

You might want to make a big deal of all the things hands are for like: clapping, high fives, turning pages in a book, feeding ourselves food, etc. There's even a book out there called "Hands Are Not For Hitting" which you might find useful to read with him.

I definitely wouldn't leave him alone with the baby. And you might to prepare him as much as you can for the baby. Tell him what having a baby around will be like (crying, nursing, getting diapers changed, needing mommy a lot, etc). There's going to be jealousy of some degree no matter what as he gets used to a new sibling. So you might want to point out all the things HE gets to do that the baby can't (drink from a cup, use a fork, jump up and down, ride a bike, etc.) I like this approach better than telling him he's a big boy over and over because he probably likes being the baby and it will make regressions to baby like behavior (like insisting you carry him) worse. Tell him what being a big brother means. When the baby comes, include him as much as possible with getting you diapers, picking out outfits or blankets for the baby (even now my daughter will pick out and bring me clothes for my 1 year old). Praise him for being a good big brother. I had people greet my daughter before meeting the baby too.

Congratulations on your new baby and try to enjoy the time you have left as a mom of one. Have compassion for him because if you think you might be a little sad having to be shared (and I know I did), imagine how hard it is for him.

i hate to tell you this-- but you may have to hit him back. it may be the only way to let him know this does not feel good and is not a thing to do. he will then know how it feels to get hit. and when you do and he cries say simply see how mommy feels when you hit her.

I think both posters have given you great advice. My son is 25 months now, and I KNOW for sure that being almost two or two is all about impulse control. They just do whatever comes up,they don't have the ability to think "I shouldn't do that."

I usually just say "No, no" calmly and redirect him to something else interesting when he hits, spits, throws his spoon or whatever. It does pass.

We also introduced my daughter to her brother with him not in my arms. I wanted to give her that first big no-baby-in-my-tummy hug!

Another lifesaver for all of us was babywearing. Being able to carry my son in a sling let me do more with my daughter (and around the house) while keeping him blissfully happy. We started with a wrap and graduated to a Hotsling, but there are tons of options out there. Try www.thebabywearer.com for more info!

Have a wonderful, happy birth and enjoy your little ones!