Seeking Step Parents Advice

I have two boys and am married to there father, and the only thing I can say is that there is an age difference so when you are saying he talks to the younger and yells at the older about the same things might be that the older should already know better. I would feel bad for my older boy (6) when he gets in trouble and the younger (4) could do the same thing and not get in trouble at the same time, but reason is he (6) did not get in trouble when he was 4 for doing it he was talked to and explained the reason why. Just alittle input,I don't know if it is helpful, but sometimes a different perspective works.

When you were talking to him about it, it was after the fact, I'm assuming? Perhaps when you hear him yelling at your older son and then talking to your younger one, you could pull him aside immediately and point out what he is doing. And I do agree with what one mom said, maybe it is b/c he's older and should know better. It could also be that perhaps as your son gets older and more defiant, maybe your husband is afriad he will pull the "your not my real dad, I don't have to listen to you" act, and is trying to instill in your son that he is the boss and what he says goes, before your son even thinks about trying it.

I was sure hoping someone was going to give you 'real' advice from a step-parent household. I have that same problem. My son is 13, and anything that goes wrong, my husband (not his bio dad) blames my son. When our son (6) messes up the room, the oldest has to clean it- my husband yells. This has really started to affect our marriage, because I feel like I don't like him as a person anymore. You know? Now my son isn't an angel, but he shouldn't be the scape-goat either. For instanct,when my oldest was 4, and we had gone to the beach one day. I put suncreen (tons of it) on both my kids but my son still got burned, really bad. Everytime I would try to comfort him I was told I was 'moddy-coddling' (misspelled) him. My husband would say how he would get burned like that all the time as a kid and he was fine. My son doesn't need me. Then I had my mom tell me how bad of a mom I was for allowing him to get burned. Years later, we go to the beach with all the kids. Again tons of suncreen, and the baby gets alittle red. I get yelled at because I should have been putting the suncreen on him everytime he got out of the water- even if the suncreen was next to him and so was our youngest. Talking to my husband doesn't help, either. He even gets mad if I take my oldest to the doctor when he is sick- its that bad. He starts to complain that I don't do that for our boys. If any of our 4 kids get sick, and needs to go to the doctor- they go. My husband just loves to complain- I have learned this, it has just taken me 9 years. I hope you find an answer.

Hi A.,
I don't know about step parenting but we have three kids (Our kids .. 7,4,4) and my husband is way h*** o* my older one. His expectations are very high for the older one .. and somehow the younger ones (specially one of them) gets away with everything. Anyway, my advice is you talk to your husband and ask to put the rules in writing somewhere so everyone can see -- notice 5 to 7 things that he is getting in trouble and then talk to both of them seperately. for Ex. -- if my son came back from soccer and did not take a shower right away, then he is dirty and getting dirt inside but if the younger ones come, they can hop around and even sit on the couch or bed -- my husband says that the older one should know that he is sweaty and dirty so he should just go to shower right away. If we fly anywhere or on a long car ride, and if my older one (even when he was 5 )gets tired and sleeping, he has to wake up and go to shower -- no exception -- even on his B'day -- he had to wake up .. and take a shower. Now, my younger ones will be 5 soon and they can still get away -- as "little ones", when they are not little.
Yes, I am also guilty of taking sides of my older one -- sometime obvious and other times not so obvious -- for Ex .. if my older one wants to go to a restaurant OR a place -- I will say that let us go there .. and I will influence the decision of going (I know it is horrible -- but I feel awful at times for my older one -- so I know how you feel).
My advice since he is step father -- talk to both of them and make clear rules. If you do want to favor your older one -- do it so others do not catch it. Also tell him more often that how proud you are and how much you love him.
Take care

I know this is a little late to respond to but I haven't had time until now to do it. So here goes. I know what situation you are in, kind of. I do not have biracial kids so that is the only aspect of what I do not know. I have a 13 yr old daughter and a 4 yr old daughter. The 13 yr old is from my first marriage. My husband has 2 other children with his 1st and 2nd wife. The child with the 2nd wife he has only seen pictures of and not had contact with at all but his 1st child he has. She is going to be 15 this year. He treats her like she is the world but he only sees her like 2 weeks out of the year. My 13 yr old he is so h*** o* like she is the demon span that just got thrown into his life and he is going to correct so she doesn't end up like so many of these kids that get into trouble or turn into a kid like the one that just shot up VA Tech College. My 13 yr old is an honor roll student and watches very little tv, by choice. She likes to play games on the internet and only goes to kid friendly sites. But my husband is constantly thinking she is up to something and won't give her a little trust. I try talking to him about it but that just causes fights. He is constantly stating things like "when I was her age I had to do this or that". I try to explain to him that first of all he is a boy and she is a girl and that she is not him.

I am sorry I turned this around to me and it is not being very helpful but I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one going through things like this. I do not believe that it is the age difference at all. I do believe that know matter how hard they try to treat the kids the same he will also say, that she/he is not my kid and she/he will learn to act like me and not her/his dad. My only suggestion would be for you to find a calm moment and sit down and talk to him and ask him how he wants their future to be, as far as whether he comes to him about problems or just to confide in aobut things and if so then he has to turn the relationship around while he can or he will lose him forever. Maybe suggest some family counseling where you have a mediator present to do the suggesting cause they always seem to listen to outsiders. Good luck and if you find an answer please let those of us out here that are going through the same thing in on the secret.

Like most of the responses I read it may be the age difference but when it comes down to it your boys are not that far in age. A 7 yr old can do the same that an 11 yr old can do. You may expect a little more form the 11yr old but I don't think that you can base it upon the age. I don't want to put any false implications in your head but I grew up without my bio father in the house and my mother has 4 kids none of them was the man she was with. He showed favortism to my oldest brother and my younger sister bcause they were darker than me and my other brother. Me and my brother looked a whole lot like my father and I think that bothered him a lot,so we use to catch hell growing up. So maybe it's because he doesn't see him in your son especially since he is mixed. He may very well be trying to let him know that he is dad and he is boss, but if he is too hard all the time it may back fire on him. I remember when I got of age I lost all respect for "that man" that's the name I had gave him. I use to cure him and everything because he was constantly riding me and my brother.
You just need to talk to your husband and let him know how you feel because I can gaurantee if it doesn't change you are going to be fighting with your husband constantly. It may even get to the point were you start to argue in front of your son and then he will start disrespting him. So you have to be careful that it doesn't get that far. This is your son and you will protect him no matter what.