Seeking Help with Un"rule"y MIL

M.,
You have gotten a lot of good advice. I don't have this problem with my MIL, but we did have it with my Mom. I had some rules about no candy and wanting her to be careful about the words and language that she use, etc... Anyway we did try the talking route; and, finally I came right out and told her (It was my mom.) that if she couldn't respect how I wanted to raise my children, then she wouldn't be around the children. She reacted quite defensively and laid the guilt trip, but you know what, she began to respect the rules even if she didn't like it because the the kids are important to her. I don't necessarily recommend that approach if you don't have to take it but I needed to have some "tough love" with my mom. Good luck.
b

I was at the zoo yesterday :) was it my daughter crying in the store when she didnt get what she wanted? :)

Well, I've tried saying things like "Aww, that's very nice of Grandma, but you know Johnny that in our home we must follow the rules, or we have to sit in time out. No matter how much we might like to break them." Also, try discussing chain-of-command with your child. Sadly, we've had to have this discussion many times with our children when they said "GRANDMA SAID I COULD!" I tell them it goes like this: Mom & Dad - what we say goes period. THEN Grandma/Grandpa and Aunts/Uncles depending on whose care they are in. THEN Adult-in-Charge (babysitter, school official, etc). I have had to explain often that their privelages begin and end with us, and that if I hear of them breaking rules are non-negotialbe anywhere else whether or not thier caretaker said it was ok, then they are done visiting there for awhile. If Grandma tries to override me at my house, then I say something like "That might be ok when you and Grandma are at her house spending special time together, but it is not ok in this home." I've also had to have talks with grandparents and remind them that allowing excessive rule breaking (or an excessive lack of rules to break) in the end is just hurting the child, as they will get timed out/spanked/grounded for doing the thing she just told them it is ok to do. And it is not fair for the child to be told it's ok one minute and not ok the next, especially at a young age when they are too young to really "get" that there are different rules for different places. I'd remind her that for the child's sake, he may not be able to visit her as often if she doesn't require some semblance of good behavior while he is in her care (and NOT ensuring this with candy, money or toys either -my oldest 4s great grandma is notorious for bribing them to be good, and all it really does is up the ante, because the worse they are, the bigger her bribes get so it works in thier favor to then be extra bad and get the extra big treat) Good luck. I know this can be a tricky situation. You might try having hubby talk to her directly, or at least be present so she will understand that you two are sticking together on the importance of rule following. Grandmas *ARE* allowed a certain share of bending when it comes to the rules, but utter disregard, and encouraging bad behavior are quite different than some simple well-intentioned rule "bending". I hope everything works out!

Hi M.,

Let me start off by saying that I am a mother-in-law. That said, I think this is a really important situation that would probably work out better if you and your husband have an honest discussion with one another. Does he completely agree with what you're saying or is he a little more on the fence about this? Remember, this woman raised him, so he could potentially totally agree with what she's saying. That's neither right, nor wrong. It's just different. Once you're clear about how you feel as a couple it's time to talk to the grandparents. I'd suggest very few 'rules' that they (and therefor your children) need to follow to start. Remember you don't want to come across as the police or judge. A really important part in this is having your husband talk with them. Let him be the bridge. If he says something that really ticks them off, they'll forgive him quicker. (They remember him as the adorable toddler he was -just as you'll remember your little one :) ).
Now here comes the harder part. You might want to work on building a better relationship with your in-laws. Butter them up a bit. Remind you MIL that you think she did a terrific job as a parent. Heck, you even married her child. Spend some good, quality time with them, all the while, gently reinforcing the rules. Maybe it would go better if instead of fighting it with your MIL, you just pick your toddler up and say, 'remember, we don't do that'. Say it sweetly, and with a smile on your face.
Your MILs comments about wanting to come over and fix it, because she knows how to do it better, are VERY undermining. You need to tell her that, and how it makes you feel. Remember, and remind her gently, no one knows your child as well as you do.
I am a grandmother, in addition to being a MIL. Early on, I've always insisted that my son and his wife know their little one better than me. I'm always complimenting them and reinforcing their parenting instinct. I always support their rules. Why? Because I SO remember how you're feeling now. Maybe with some conversation your MIL will remember how she felt when someone undermined her.
No matter what, don't let this get in the way of your marital relationship. If all else fails, let it go her way in her home, if it isn't dangerous, and remember you're laying the groundwork at home. Best of luck, S.

IMO you should talk with your DH about this and since i is his mother have him talk to her about it.

I do have to say however that Grandmothers do have a wealth of experience that sometimes as mothers we do not tap into. that being said she also needs to respect some boundries. My MIL brings stuff all the time ( junk) and spoils the kids but actually she is WAY more patient then i am a lot of times with the kids

Sounds like it's time for your husband to stand up and say something if you are not being heard or respected.

I think your husband needs to have a talk with him mother. She will listen to him more and respect what he is saying. I would talk to your husband, discuss what you want him to communicate to the MIL and then let him do the talking.

Good luck!

M.,

I totally feel your pain. What is with MIL's thinking THEY run the show. GEEZ... That is why we only see my MIL only once a month or longer... She is ALWAYS right and NEVER wrong... I see how her kids turned out, NO THANK-YOU..Please stop trying to tell me what to do... KIDS NEED RULES, KIDS NEED DISAPLIN...Her kids never had that... UGH. I can go on and on... I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Try and put some distance between yourselves... I hope things work out...

A.

What you don't want is for this to get worse, which will happen if you get into a long, hard battle with Grandma. As a Grandma to 17, I believe she loves your son and this is how she wants to show it. I also believe she has an incredible need to be in control and put you in your place as a woman lower on the pecking order of your family than she sees herself to be. I don't know if she's from a traditional, ethnic background but I do think she believes herself to be the matriarch in this scenario. You won't be able to change that. In fact, if you can be sweet to her and pamper her as the matriarch in ways outside the realm of child guidance/care, it might help to show her you see her importance and value. Make a big deal out of Mothers Day, her birthday etc. You'll have to carefully check up on the toys and just pitch them or put them aside where they can be used only with supervision. She isn't likely to change. I'd be gentle and sweet but you need to be sure your son is safe and knows who the real bosses are. Try to use humor. Kids are pretty good at figuring out that diffent people have different rules. What she says and does won't undo the system you've set up for your son. I'd keep her time with him mostly when one of you is around until he's a bit older, but don't tell her why. One thing I know, because my daughter has a foreign-born MIL like this and I have friends like this, you cannot change her or make her see that you're right and she's wrong! Give up on that. Best you can do is get her to see that you're very picky about your son and that modern ways are different than what she's used to. She wants to feel she's the expert in this situation. Let her believe that, but quietly do what's best for your family. Good luck!

Hey,

Heres my opinion. I think your husband needs to step up and be man and approach his parents in a serious manner and let them know they can not be that way towards your son. They are only hurting him. Make sure you dont approach them because they may hold a grudge and with their son...well..they may get upset but eventually they will get over it.

Hope this helped. Tc and good luck!

Hi,

I understand your frustration. In fact my In-laws were quite similar. They spoiled their grandchildren in every annoying way possible (my 2 boys were their only ones). But now that the boys are older and my inlaws have passed away. I miss them, my boys miss them, and I miss having that type of unconditional love around. Keep trying to enforcce yor beliefs, but know that grandparents have a different role in our children's lives than parents. And it is an important one. Although it is frustrating try to decide what you can tolerate and let it go. In the big picture it probably isnt that important or vital to your child's growth. It would be more detrimental if they werent around at all. I know this now...

Hi M.,
As some of the other moms have asked, is she around him a lot? and what kind of role does she play? An example, for awile my nephew was living with us and I couldn't be the fun Aunt because my role was more of a parent figure. I wasn't his mother but he was living with us and had to follow our rules and when they were broken I had to punish him like my kids. Now that he doesn't live with us I get to be that fun Aunt. If he doesn't eat all his food, it isn't my problem anymore. If she isn't around him that much it really isn't her job to displine him. When we go over to my parents house their motto is "if they aren't doing anything that is going to harm them then it is okay". Meaning they pretty much get to do what they want and think is fun. I am happy that they get to have fun with them and my parents are thrilled to be able to let them have fun. My kids do know that rules are different at our house and my husband and I are the bosses. I would try and talk to your MIL if it is stresses you out that much but also realize that grandparents spoil their grandkids. Good luck.
Chris

M.

I can so relate to this. My step son stays at his grandma's every time we have him, and he knows when he goes over there. he won't eat at our house and then goes there and just eats whatever he wants, and she doesn't care. he won't his his dinner there, but then he gets to eat ice cream, pudding, jello, candy, cheetos, chips, whatever he tells his grandma he wants. plus he gets to do whatever he wants. there are no rules at all over there, and that i don't like. I told my husband that his son should stop being over there so much, and soon he will, when school starts, but my husband's response is, well, it's always been that way, so i don't want to change. Even when she comes over, his son, doens't think he needs to listen to anyone. And then grandma stands up for him. When he got in trouble, she said " oh he was showing me the toys" and he was told not to play with the toys at least 3 times that day. they weren't his to play with.

Grandma even told me that she will do the same things with my daughter. i told my husband, that our daughter won't be over there very much, because i don't like the lack of rules. She lets them play on the stairs, and to me that's a huge hazard, and something that I can't knowingly let me daughter there.

My husband won't talk to her about it, because he says, she won't change. So to me that's fine, i just won't have any of our children over there very much at all. Plus I feel she is playing favorites. My daughter is only 6 months, but has only stayed at her grandma's for a few hours twice, but his son used to stay over all the time when he was a baby. and now, she buys gifts for his son all the time, and nothing for my daughter. Not that I am keeping tabs on everything, but I had grandparents that favored us, and it really did a lot of damage to my family growing up, and won't let that happen to my family.

I think if she isn't going to follow the rules, and do things as they should be done, then she shouldn't get to see the kids that much. If your husband won't say anything to her, then tell him that your son can't be with her.

Tell her that unless she starts abiding by the rules you have set for your son, she can't watch him. You can still go and visit her with him while your their but don't allow her to watch him while your gone. That would be my answer.

First, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you have to deal with a MIL who doesn't listen to you when it comes to your son. That is SO frustrating!!

I would suggest that you and your husband sit down and have a talk with her about it. You can politely say that you understand that she has raised three boys, and there are times when you will probably want her advice, but other than those times she needs to let you and your husband handle the parenting of your son. You may make mistakes (you can say that just to make her happy) but that's how we all learn! I think it would also be helpful if your DH did a lot of the talking so that she realizes that you are united front on this.

You could also say that the rules can be more flexible at her house, such as letting him have candy after only a couple of bites of dinner, but at your house, your rules have to apply. We go to my MIL's house every other Sunday, and while I still have veto power, I let my MIL spoil my kids a little bit.

Your husband needs to lay the rules down with her!

Hi M., You've gotten quite a bit of good advice already! I can relate a little bit because my mother does not hold back on her thoughts and definitely believes in the grandparents have different rights/rules. Although in our household we are able to poke fun at it and i am comfortable speaking up if it really bothers me. Being that this is your mother-in-law, i see several issues. One, i'm guessing that you were raised in a more consistent, rule abiding environment while i'm guessing your husband was raised with a little more laxity, along the lines of how she 'parent's your son. That different philosophy on top of the normal 'difficulty-in-communicating-honestly with your mother-in-law' issue, I think you are rightfully frustrated and you do need to do something before you reach a point in which people are going to be very hurt. I would start by remembering that your MIL does love you and your son--and she is most likely coming from a place of good intention. You're biggest challenge is in effectively communicating to your MIL how you feel--in a true heart to heart. It is important to do so without criticizing her or getting her defenses up because that accomplishes nothing. Perhaps start by acknowledging that she did raise a great man and she is well experienced and you value her relationship with your son--However, remind her that you are now a mother and humbly admit that while you may have much to experience or learn, you believe that parents make the rules and set necessary limits,-- and you really need her to respect the rules when in your home. Acknowledge that you may have different philosophies and while hers worked for her, you are different and there are some things that are different now in this generation (this is always a touchy area but we have different information--for good or for bad). Be honest about your concerns with the toys and the issues that are of most concern to you. Food and sweets are tough because we are fighting junk food and obesity issues as a culture in a way our parents didn't have to. Tell her that you feel undermined to the point where you want to limit her involvement--that's how frustrated you are. Be as honest as you can --really get honest with yourself and figure out what upsets you the most and why. Share that with her and she will realize that her little comments are hurtful to you. No mother wants to be judged and criticized-we all can relate to that no matter what our parenting style is!

Lastly, I think it is helpful to realize that grandparents do have a unique relationship with our kids and thats what makes that relationship so special. I do think that kids learn very quickly what may work with grandma/grandpa will NOT work at home and unless there is a health or safety compromise, you may have to allow it, i don't think it will undermine your role at all. Grandparents are the spoilers and i think it is by genetic design or something. You just have a very strong, opinionated MIL who is very confident in herself--i don't think she is aware of the way her comments/actions make you feel, or she is just trying to get you to loosen up a bit. An approach that does NOT work! All in all, i bet you both have something to learn from each other! My mom still gives my daughter a cookie before lunch and as much as i hate it, I guess it isn't the end of the world. After all, who doesn't love a mid-morning cookie?!

Talk to your husband about it. It's his mom! If he isn't on the same page as you, then you'd better just take control and avoid being around her. 1. this is out of control already and making you angry. 2. it's not good, being pregnant and getting stressed out because of someone who's inconsiderate to the max.

Don't invite her to go places or come over or to baby sit unless she starts clamming up. Giving in is giving the child control. Keep it up and they'll use it well into their teens and adulthood. You'll be shelling out for stuff they don't need and M., there go the boundaries. You're right; your home, your child, your rules. Times have changed since MIL brought up her kids. She's way overstepping her boundaries.

M.,
I would have your husband talk to his mom. Maybe you could be there with him. But have him make it clear to her that "this is your house, and even though you appreciate what she does for you when it comes to you son you are the PARENTS and your RULES are just that YOUR RULES. She needs to respect that and then just tell her "you raised your children and that it is your turn to raise your children." But M. have your husband do the talking. If there is going to be a problem with her you don't want it to come back to you. Good Luck

Well, I would be one of the first to advise that to get too carried away with making grandparents enforce rules is...well, useless. You'll only drive yourself crazy. However...in this case, it sounds like the rules you'd like enforced are valid. I'd ask how often she is around? Is it often? Perhaps it needs to be lessened...if she asks why, tell her. Be honest, she is dismissing your feelings so why should you spare hers? If she is only there once in a while, maybe you could bend a little on something if she would agree to bend, as well. Such as, he can have sweets after his meal (which you decide when 'done' is done) but in exchange, she cannot bring toys over unless they are made in USA. That way you are not denying her, just restricting possible harmful toys. Tell her the ped. said no toys from China...LOL!

Either way, one thing I've learned is that you have to find a common ground...yes these are YOUR children, but they are also HER grandchildren, whom she loves dearly.

~L.

Hey,
I know what you mean. I love my in laws to death. Grandma seems to think that one bite of food is enough also. If they eat that one bite then they can have all the sweets in the world. Mom's rules don't apply when she is around. I'm told that being the PARENT is one thing, but being the GRANDPARENT is totally different. That she doesn't have to follow my rules. I have gotten to my wits end. I have dealt with this for the last 7 years. I know exactly how frustrated you are. I have been praying about what to do about the situation. The only thing I can do is to not allow them around until they can respect me and my rules. I know that sounds mean and harsh. I have put a lot of thought into it though. I feel that she has turned my girls against me (4 and 5 years old). I try to tell her that certain things should not be given because it messes up their digestive tract and that doesn't matter to them because they don't have to deal with it I DO. I don't know what else to say except, have you tried to talk to them about the problem? Your husband and you? It would be really nice if he backed you up on the situation. I have come to my conclusion for the simple fact that my husband doesn't really back me with his parents. It really isn't my father in law as much as my mother in law. I have talked to her about it and she has said that it is just ridiculous. That burned me real bad.

I don't know if this helped. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this same issue. I feel for you. Hope it helped a little.
N.

M.,

It sounds to me like you MIL is jealous of the time your little boy gets to spend with your mother (since she keeps him while you're both at work). Grandmothers want to cement their relationship with the grandkids by spoiling them (so the child will remember them in a good light and want to spend more time with them). Is this her first/only grandchild? If so, the problem could get even worse.

I suggest having your husband discuss this with her in a calm and loving manner i.e. "Mom, we know you want to show your love and affection to __________ but we want to raise our child with the values you instilled in me all of those years ago. We don't mind that you want to spoil him a little now and then but please don't undermine our authority by disregarding the rules that we have already determined will be followed.", etc.

What ever you do don't be confrontational as that will only anger her, not appeal to her softer side. Be sure to add plenty of compliments on what she does correctly and keep repeating it, then slide in the hard stuff when she's ready to hear it.

If at all possible you stay out of the discussion (preferably not even present) and let your husband express the rules you have made together.

As far as toys...let her maintain control over something. But, you may be able to suggest she purchase books or something that can be passed on to the 2nd child.

Good luck and hang in there. :)

she's older, and she has raised 3 boys, so she makes a valid point. why not just be open to the possibility that you could learn a thing or two...considering that you are the new mom. you're kind of having a bratty teenage know it all attitude about this.

you'll have a lightbulb moment when you're her age, watching your own children parent.

your husband needs to let Grandma know that if she can not follow the rules that he and you have set in place for "your children", then Grandma time will no longer be an option. This may sound harsh to some, but I had to do it with my mom and after being mad for about a week or two it worked just fine.

simply don't allow her alone with your son if she can't follow the rules. my mom thankfully had a MIL like that, so my mom is the oppisite, and won't do anything without asking me first.

I feel you pain. Let me start off by saying that first. I have already made my mind up to just stay away from my MIL. She wont listen, she's already set in her ways and no matter what anyone else says she just wont hear it. SO that's why i've reached this decision. My husband totally understands and agrees. The only time i'll see her is for a special occasion of some sort and thats it. It's way to frusterating to deal with something that will never change. If you've tried everything and nothing is working then i say wash your hands of her. Not saying to keep your child away from her just make sure your around when she's around and dont leave your child alone with her. Let her come to you to see the child, dont go outta your way to go over there. Explain to your husband your feelings and doing it this way will reduce alot of your stress i'm telling ya! Hope everything goes ok for you, i know what your going thru!

M., I will not bore you with the details, but I have been through YEARS of issues with my MIL. My husband has a difficult emotional situation with her because she will be very vindictive and he will be shut out of any contact with his family if he crosses her. That said, we have spent thousands on marriage counseling because of her interference. I think that it is important for my children to see their grandparents and not to create a family feud, but also to maintain control of a frequently ugly situation. The turning point for our relationship was actually the third party involvement. Prior to seeing a counselor, he was able to resist confronting his mother because he rationalized it as a power struggle between me and his mom. The counselor (actually 2 different ones) told him that he MUST be the one to enforce the rules with his mother. It is very unhealthy for your own relationship to carry that stress and argue with him when the issue is with your MIL.
That said, I will also warn you that not all counselors are created equal and that you MUST get a good one or you could end up divorced! The very first "counselor" we saw was randomly assigned by the insurance company and we received advice that included, "Tell her to get off your porch and never come back!" Direct confrontation between you and the MIL will not be the most productive.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this! I had the same problem- except it is my mom! I explained to her that she had her chance to be a parent, and now it was my/our turn. and that she needed to respect my/our choices as a parent, or she would not have the opportunity to see her grandchildren as much. I also told her that it is very confusing for small children and that they need consistancy in rules and boundries. By her disrespecting your rules and youteaches your children to disrespect them and you too- and that is NOT ok to teach children to disrespect their parents. Since it is your MIL- I would put it on your husband's shoulders to talk to his mom. There is a huge difference between a grandparent "spoiling" a child and completely disrespecting the child's parent.

My MIL buys my kids candy at big lots, its usually out of date and has characters on it from some past movie.
As soon as she walks in the door she gives them candy. They are 14, 9 & 9. They know to ask if they can have it then, or she is usually coming for dinner so they know they need to wait until after dinner. It geta easier as the kids get older.
They know mom's rules. If you don't like how she watches your child, don't have her babysit. When she is over for a visit just bite your tounge, the visits are usually only for a few hours.